Translation
Well, I was expecting to come on here today to write about my unbelievably awesome birthday, but I must let you know that isn't going to happen. Not today. I'm happy to tell you that my birthday was phenomenal and I had the best day.
However, I have decided that I don't fancy writing about my incredibly awesome birthday in the same entry that has my groaning and complaining.
So, on to the groaning and complaining, shall we?
Today is the day where someone could come up to me, and all I want to say is, "bugger off!" And not care about it. The day started good. Dwindled down at lunch... well, towards the end of lunch. Because at the beginning of lunch, Zoie begged me to come into the kindergarten class and have lunch with her. So I sat with her while she babble on and on about her orange and while she spelled "Zoie" and "know" and "row" and "soap" for me. It was really cute. Highlight of my day. Declining rest of the day. Bloody hell.
Oh wait, I must say this. Because it's special. And sad. Tomorrow is out last day of real classes. And my 4th hour English class will be the last class Mr. Branson ever teaches at Concord Academy. The last class he ever teaches in the USA. I'm going to miss the Bransons so much....
This is a question about the whole mass population of them: do guys have hearts? Honestly! Are they always complete assholes? And do they realize they're complete assholes? The only guys I can tolerate right now are my dad, Andrew, Josh, and Dan. Yep. That's about it. I've been venting to Josh lately. I usually load everything onto Dan, but he's been with Christina for a great portion of the time, and since he's leaving in about two months I'm not going to vent everything out to him when all he wants is to spend time with her. Not cool! Wouldnt do that. So I'm glad there's Josh. He's a good listener, thank goodness. Or else I don't know what I'd do. I needed to vent to someone! And he's a sweetheart. So it works. And he said when he finds out the answer to my question, he'll tell me.
Right, so. You're probably wondering why I'm feeling this way. Well, Megan took everyone to Big Apple Bagels today for lunch. Came back very pissed off. And I don't blame her one damn bit. Everyone pretty much assumed she would give them rides. And that's what I agreed is the thing I hate most about having a car. The feeling of being so fucking used it hurts your head. Because honestly, that's all it is anymore. Someone asking me for a ride. I say yes, give it to them, and that's the end of it. No talking until the next ride is fucking needed. We're not damn taxi services! I mean, if the place someone needs to go is on my way, then of course I'll give them a ride. I have to go there anyway. Or if it's downtown. Because I live so close to downtown, why not? But if it's somewhere far, it's truly a waste of my gas. Because gas is so expensive and I'm not working at the moment. If they give me a few bucks for gas, then that's excellent. If not, I feel so fucking used. And then there are those people who only talk to you if they want something. Well, fuck them.
Which brings me to the next point. Kyle was nice yesterday. Talked to me and everything. Today? Not more than a few fucking words. And what do you think those were? "Could we have a ride to Harbor and then to Andrew's?" FUCK YOU. I mean, I wasn't doing anything after school, but that's not the point. Andrew said he'd give me $5.00 for gas, but that's not the point either. The point is that the asshole hasn't said much to me today, doesn't really look at me much, and then talks to me to get a bloody ride. FUCK OFF. I swear, I'm done. And guess what! THAT'S A LIE! Because I'm not done! But get this! I'm in love with an asshole! Fucking go me! I win!
Of course Ms. J. was being her normal bitchy self in theatre today, which made my mood decline even more. So by the time everyone gets in my car to go, I'm in such a bad mood. And even better. Silas was with us. No one fucking told me he was coming. And I'm done with that kid. He has not said sorry to me. Oh no. Definitely hasn't. Hasn't even fucking tried. And he thinks I'll give him a fucking ride? No way. Not anymore. I have decided that if he's going to start coming places where he needs a ride in my car or comes to my house, it's not happening. Everyone can do something else. He just makes me so mad. And then the racial comments he makes. Yeah, he's joking, but they hurt sometimes. He makes Jewish jokes. Jokingly. But my mother is Jewish. A whole side of my family is. And it just pisses me the fuck off. And other things he says like that. I want to fucking hit him.
Alright. So, we get to my house to drop off my brother and meet Megan. She got shotgun. We go to Kyle's mom's office to pick up a computer because they're recording today. We start to drive to Harbor Springs. I turn up My Chemical Romance as loud as I possibly can to drown out everyone else and to just calm down and lose myself in some of my favorite music. We're about halfway to Harbor when Kyle started doing who the fuck knows what and bugs Megan, so she reached around to do something or such and he grabbed her arms or whatever, and she's trying to get them back or something, and he starts kicking, and the next thing I know, my car isn't working right. I pressed the gas, and nothing would happen. The car behind me came up fast, and the car in front of me slowed down. I swore I was going to get in an accident. Luckily I noticed what was wrong in time. He kicked my fucking gears into neutral. Giving me no power for the gas pedal. And that's when I broke. I screamed. "What the fuck are you doing!? What the fuck is your problem!? God! You kicked my fucking car into neutral!" Megan calmed me down, made me feel better. Everyone was quiet. I was ready to hit him so fucking hard. Same with fucking Silas. I don't know what I'd do if Megan hadn't have been in the car...
After that neutral gear scare, my vision was getting funny. From getting so angry? From being tired? I have no idea. But I got so damn lightheaded, and things were getting all spinny... I had no fucking clue what was going on.
We got to Kyle's. They went inside to get the cables and all of their other shit. I turned my car off. Leaned my seat back. Laid with my eyes shut. My hands were still shaking, my heart was still pounding, and my knees were shaking. I couldn't feel my legs. I don't know. But Megan told me she'd drive home, bless her. I didn't think I could drive.
They finally fucking got back into the car. Megan drove home. I kept switching CD's. Music-bloody-ADD.
Oh wait. Here comes the best part. On the way to Andrew's, Megan asked if I wanted to be dropped off at home. I said yes immediately. I don't know if she noticed the gratitude in my eyes, but damnit, it was there. We got to my house and transferred all of their shit from my trunk into Megan's trunk. Megan gives me a hug, says goodbye. Andrew says, "Thanks for the ride Nina, bye, see you tomorrow." And what the fuck do Silas and Kyle do? Get in the fucking car without a word to me.
And that was the last straw.
Half of the people that were in my car are those I cherish in my life. Megan and Andrew. The other two? Right now I just want to hit them. For being assholes. I just wish they would fucking grow the fuck up. Why are guys like that? Some of them? All of them? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. All I know is that I'm sick of feeling like shit and the scum of the earth. That's they way Kyle has been making me feel. Intentionally, I don't think so. But has he? He sure as hell has. I don't know if he knows it. But he has been. And it makes me so upset...
I wrote this in theatre.
You look past me,
as if I don't exist.
You use
me;
make
me
feel
so
USELESS
and
UGLY
to
this
unforgiving world
that we are trapped in. . . .
Whispers escape your lips, and I hear them from afar
You tease me with your lies,
Which translate into you
dislike for me
I can't open my mouth to speak to you.
Your damned invisible gaze leaves me speechless,
but you don't care.
Maybe you never have.
Did you ever?
Fuck him. FUCK him. It makes me so very mad. Megan and I agreed that it fucking sucks to be treated like dirt by the guy you love. Yes, yes, yes. It sure as hell does.
Every time we lie awake, after every hit we take
Every feeling that I get, but I haven't missed you yet
Every roommate kept awake, by every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get, but I still don't miss you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you; why do I love you?
I hate everything about you; why do I love you?
Every time we lie awake, after every hit we take
Every feeling that I get. but I haven't missed you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you; why do I love you?
I hate everything about you; why do I love you?
Only when I stop to think about you, I know
Only when you stop to think about me, do you know
I hate everything about you; why do I love you
You hate everything about me; why do you love me
I hate, you hate, I hate, you love me
I hate everything about you, why do I love you?
~ Three Days Grace; I Hate Everything About You
I love you, but please, bugger off.
.: Julie :.