And the collision of your kiss....
Yesterday was sure fun.
English was great. The phone rang while we were in the middle of presenting our songs, and Mr. Branson got pissed off so he threw he pen at the phone :-)
Lunch. Blah. Boring.
Dance. Don't remember what we did.
Had theatre. It sucked. Andrew restrung my guitar though, which was nice.
After school I went with Kyle, Andrew and Dan to the Salvation Army. It was hilarious. Andrew kept putting on the helmets. Even the little girl ones. Very funny.
Then we went back to my house. Played lots of basketball. Kendall and his friend Sam came over for a bit. We looked at Kendal's new band website (www.alloddsagainst.tk, it's awesome!) After awhile they left and we took Andrew downtown to drop him off at the park, and then Kyle, Dan and I went over to Jordan's. Jordan, Wil, Nate, and their friend Joe were all in Sith lord costumes for the movie premiere. It was funny. And Jordan's mom had this awesome costume on.
The movie theatre was packed. We went at around 10:30. There was a bunch of free pizza and popcorn and such. Ben, Claire, Shawn, Jin, and Jim were there. So that was awesome. And then Eeva, Arielle, Eric, Rene, Becky and Emily showed up. Pastor Matt was there too! With Luke and a few other Harbor Light kids. He hasn't heard from Melissa yet.
Jenna Bragenzer was there with her dad. I didn't talk to them though. And I would because...? They're awful. Nicole wasn't there. Emily talked to Jenna, asked where Nicole was and Jenna said, "She doesn't like Star Wars." Bull-fucking-shit! I happen to know for a fact that Nicole loves it. And still does. It was probably too far past her bedtime to go. *Rolls eyes* I know that's such a horrible thing to say, but honestly. Nicole is a terrible person.
Kristi was there with Will... and her Yoda cup! Hehe.
We were in theatre five, row 15. There were almost two rows back to back full of Concord kids. It was awesome! We were all talking and everything. So much fun. Oh man.
It was great, when the lights went out for the previews to come on, everyone in the whole theatre cheered. It was hilarious. And they also cheered again when the rolling beginning credit thingy started. It was great. I had a lot of fun. It was great seeing all of these people in their Star Wars costumes and everything.
The movie was pretty good. I got very tired about a half an hour into it. But I stayed awake. About a half an hour left in the movie, I finally built up the courage to ask Kyle if I could rest my head on his shoulder. Since the theatre was so packed, there was really no room to relax and everything, and there was no place for me to rest my head... he said it was alright. I could've fallen asleep right then and there with my head on his shoulder, and woken up completely happy. Honestly.
I got home around 2:45. Fell asleep around 3:30. Yesterday Mr. Branson told us we could come in at 3rd hour if we were going to the premiere, and Mrs. Thompson would mark it as an excused tardy. Isn't that awesome? So I got to school today at around 10:10, and when I went to the front desk to sign in, there were many names down with the reason for being tardy as "slept in" or "Star Wars". It was pretty funny.
Today was alright. Slow. Boring. The same. Branson's class was hilarious as always. Dannon and Evan both didn't have their "This I believe" essays done, and Branson told them they shouldn't have let him know, because if he didn't call their name to read the essay by the end of class, they could've written it tonight and then done it tomorrow, and Travis said, "it's okay, you can still do it!" and Branson looked at him and said, "Travis. Why the.. would they do that? ... Please say you noted my explicit in there... do you need me to repeat it?" It was so funny. We were all laughing. I'm going to miss that class so much next year. Going from Branson back to having Case!? It's impossible!
NHS sucked after school today. As the executive council, Arielle, Brittany, Hannah and I all sat up in front. All of the stupid little freshmen were talking and talking. Arielle, Brittany, Hannah and I were getting so annoyed. Just wanted to hit them all. We asked them so many times to please be quiet so we could keep going with the meeting. But nooooo. They had to keep on talking. We decided we're now going to have everyone sit in a large square of tables so we can glare at whomever decides to talk when we're trying to get things done. *Rolls eyes* See? We knew 23 people would be waaaay too many! Sheesh.
Now I'm getting to the important things. This is something I read in Maggie's diary on here yesterday. Something I wanted to share with all of you.
You all know how I feel about Kyle again. And you all know the situation. Well, Maggie and Jay just broke up this week (STUPID JAY.) And she put this on her diary (she got it from someone):
If he's not proud of you, then he's not worth it.
Kyle was always proud of me. No matter what. I could do the tiniest little thing, and it would make him feel happy... now that says something to you right then and there, right?
If you're sad more often that you're happy, it's probably time to break it off.
Honest to goodness. I was never happier than when I was with him. He always made me smile... still always makes me smile... always made me feel special... still always makes me feel special... I was never happier than with him. I miss it. I miss it so fucking much....
Why are you with him if he doesn't push you to be the best person you can be?
Another thing. Kyle is the one who always told me to do things. He's the one who was there when I performed at Toast & Jam with Melissa for the first time and I was scared out of my wits. He's the one who told me I was doing so wonderfully in the musical last year despite all of the things that were going on with me and Nicole and such... he always wished for nothing more than things that would make me happy...
If you can't talk to him, then re-evaluate your feelings for him.
You have no idea how many conversations we had on anorexia and cutting. On getting help. On not wanting to be helped. And everything like that. He never told me what I should do. He just said he was there to help me in any way possible.
Sometimes people just don't like you anymore. It's okay. It's nothing you did, it just happens.
I could kick myself at this one. Even after I broke everything off... he still loved me. Always talked to me. Always asked if I needed anything... For so long... And now everything I felt is back... Did my feelings for him ever really leave??? I don't think so. I've always loved him. Deep inside of my heart. My feelings just went on vacation for a little while....
Never make someone your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
This one hurts a lot. I was always his priority... he was always my option. And I could hit myself for all of that. I never did enough for him. I never loved him enough... And now, when it's all gone, I love him even more... Fuck.
Trust him.
I told him everything. Still do. He knows everything about me. Every sad and pathetic detail. And has he told anyone my most confided secrets? No. He has not. Everything is locked away. Because he's wonderful like that. I can trust him with everything.
There will always be another guy after him.
Yes, but I have just one question. What if the other guy after him is him? What then? What the fuck do you do then? What am I supposed to do????
I know you all are looking out for me. I know you all just want the best for me. And that's why you're telling me I should move on... that's why you're telling me that anyone who doesn't want me is just not worth it... you tell me I don't really love him, I just think I do.
But that's what you don't understand. I fucking know my feelings. Okay? I know, it's me, and I am always so confused. But his has been for a long time now. It's been since spring break. The beginning of April. Two fucking months. And it's still going strong. I always wait to say things until I'm sure... I'm fucking sure. I'm so sure....
And if anything, I don't deserve him. Please. You must understand, this is the guy who said, "I would rather spend one bad day with you, than 10 days without you."
This is the guy who I sat against my locker with. Tears streaming down my face. This is the guy who I told at that moment that I had cut myself for the first time the night before. This is the guy who looked me deeply in the eyes after I told him that. This is the guy who still gazing into my eyes silently after I told him that, listening to me say, "You probably think I'm crazy now, don't you... eating disorder, cutting and all." This is the guy who responded to that whole situation when I told him as I cried at my locker, "I don't think you're crazy. I think you're beautiful. You're you. And I love you."
This is the guy who hugged me tightly after I was "dismissed" by my so-called-best-friend. This is the guy who took me over to Melissa after that so I could get some of her support. This is the guy who always made sure I was alright. This is the guy who did everything for me. This is the guy who would sit with me in silence as I cried. This is the guy who went out with me to the breakwall and kept his arm around me when I missed Melissa most. This is the guy who understands how much I miss my best friend. This is the guy who listens to me no matter what... This is the guy who would, when we were holding hands, randomly squeeze my hand three times, asking "I love you." I'd respond back with two squeezes meaning, "how much?" And he would squeeze my hand back hard and long. Meaning a lot....
This is the guy I am in love with.... I hope you understand that.
How could I let him go? I have no idea. You have my full permission to hit me for it. Because I know it was that stupid.
This night, walk the dead in a solitary style
And crash the cemetery gates in the dress your husband hates
Way down mark the grave where the searchlights find us
Drinking by the mausoleum door and they found you on the bathroom floor
I miss you, I miss you so far
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard
Back home, off the run, singing songs that make you slit your wrist
It isn't that much fun staring down a loaded gun
So I won't stop dying, won't stop lying
If you want I'll keep on crying
Did you get what you deserve?
Is this what you always want me for?
I miss you, I miss you so far
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard
Way down, way down, way down, way down,
Way down, way down, way down, way down
I miss you, I miss you so far
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard
I miss you, I miss you so far
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard
Way down, way down, way down
Way down, way down, way down
Way down, way down, way down
~ My Chemical Romance; Cemetery Drive
Oh, if I could turn back time....
.: Jules :.