Searching for a Heart of Gold
I've been feeling like I wanted to speel for a long time and couldn't find the appropriate avenue.. then I realized my blog-olopolis is relatively private and only people I love hang out there AND it's been a long long while.
so... avenue found.
I thought about how lovely and nice New York was to me, and Montreal was to me, and Treeplanting, and oh-so-sweet Halifax.
How is it I am so blessed?
For knowing my blessing, I haven't happy-cried in a long while... but I feel like its always coming.
What should I do to repay the beauty in my life?
Can I ever do enough? I must do something right... because I'm sun-shiney and warm feeling all the time and am perpetually surronded by the most lovely company, I'm never hungry, I rarely am in need of anything at all...
But do you ever want to need something?
I think I have gone unchallenged for too long... I must retake the reigns and get back to some of that righeousness i used to feel inclined to.
I just don't think cuddly, lovely people should be alone either... is that so wrong? Like in Marie daSalle on High Fidelity, why do we feel like we have to annex ourselves from intimacy because our hearts are all funked up?
I wouldn't say my heart is straight fucked, but it definately is romantically malfunctioning.
Lots of brief flutterings and duddles of mon coeur but methinks I'm waiting for the climax still, you know?
Should n't I be made or broken of this main life event that I have just undergone?
Shouldn't I be going through lapses of total insanity and anger and sadness and really fucked up feelings?
I feel like God has dealt me a great card in my disposition, I do not question that.... but I want to get it all out and over with, you know?
Shouldn't I either free falling into true love and riding into the sunset or
The great thing about climax or loosin' it , either positively or negatively, is that you're clean afterwards, right?
You go through a Pile of mess and then wake up to birds chirping and sunshine...
I hear the birds chirping and I feel the sunshine, but where was the big wipe? Where was the crisis of a lifetime?
Where is the broken, shattered, bleeding heart?
I feel like my breakup was a dud.
Like I'm waiting for some explosion or the other shoe to drop... but I think (??) this is it?
I know I'm not heartless... so where is the Climax? And I'm not even self distructive or a total douchebag either.. the only thing I've been bad about is school, but school is only a blip on my personal acomplishments and values.
I just now feel like I'm this conduit of love just waiting to explode... I feel a bit sad is because I can't just totally love someone, show every weird facet to, someone to warm to or count on and play with, someone to be beautiful to & to show my best and worst to.
I feel, because of how much I invested my heart, to give my heart away I'd need to be really really swept off my feet...
Full of loveliness, trust, touches of goodness and care, but with lots to teach me and to learn, someone that unquestionably makes me a better person when they're around, you know?
...I want to find a big 'ol fuzzy jiggpuzzle peice of beautiful to fit around and compliment my own beauty.
Luckily, I've had the joy of cuddling with different people all week, and I feel all warm and wholesome ... people are meant to touch and hold each other
I hate thinking that anyone lovely is sleeping lonesome in a bed while I am doing the same.
Where is the sense in that?
Also, I'm entirely full of sass.
I don't know if I should turn it off or what (or if I even can).. but I feel like magnets are all on or something.
It's nice, and I think I'm enough of an adult not to get myself in trouble with the sassiness. (haha, I hope I never have to retract that statement)
So I see love and intimacy everywhere, but I don't know how to reach for it or whether I should... So I'm purely going with the flow.
Thus far it has been sweet.
I just wish I didn't feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop... It's like I'm some paranoid dam worker or something "It;s gonna blow!" even though all the gauges are fine,the walls are reinforced and newly renovated, and the sun is shining and there was just a company picnic and I'm wearing favorite clothes and I can see that the water level is low.
But I just want something big. I expect something big... I thougt I just wouldn't be me anymore, and here I stand.
So this is it? The stuff of shakespeare and murderplots and suicides? Why am I fine?
Who knew this would be a complaint.
I just can't feel accomplished because I feel like I don't work for anything, don't try adequately hard because there aren't enough challenges or they aren't the right kind...
I know its not a bad thing to have it easy, but goodnes gracious! Gimme something productive and satisfying..
Most of my closest friends are such keeper's. I'm such a keeper too.
So Sweep me, dangit! Methinks I feel that way sometimes... but then I realise
Methinks I need to sweep myself off of my own feet.
I'm not really one to wait for things to happen to make me happy
Soon methinks I'll be doing enough things that make me feel useful and purposeful.
for now I'll just keep writing songs and smiling when I feel smiles.
Oh sweet smiles and intimacy... they make me feel so whole and honest
Thanks for your smiles and your beautiful touches!
Love,
Julia
so... avenue found.
I thought about how lovely and nice New York was to me, and Montreal was to me, and Treeplanting, and oh-so-sweet Halifax.
How is it I am so blessed?
For knowing my blessing, I haven't happy-cried in a long while... but I feel like its always coming.
What should I do to repay the beauty in my life?
Can I ever do enough? I must do something right... because I'm sun-shiney and warm feeling all the time and am perpetually surronded by the most lovely company, I'm never hungry, I rarely am in need of anything at all...
But do you ever want to need something?
I think I have gone unchallenged for too long... I must retake the reigns and get back to some of that righeousness i used to feel inclined to.
I just don't think cuddly, lovely people should be alone either... is that so wrong? Like in Marie daSalle on High Fidelity, why do we feel like we have to annex ourselves from intimacy because our hearts are all funked up?
I wouldn't say my heart is straight fucked, but it definately is romantically malfunctioning.
Lots of brief flutterings and duddles of mon coeur but methinks I'm waiting for the climax still, you know?
Should n't I be made or broken of this main life event that I have just undergone?
Shouldn't I be going through lapses of total insanity and anger and sadness and really fucked up feelings?
I feel like God has dealt me a great card in my disposition, I do not question that.... but I want to get it all out and over with, you know?
Shouldn't I either free falling into true love and riding into the sunset or
The great thing about climax or loosin' it , either positively or negatively, is that you're clean afterwards, right?
You go through a Pile of mess and then wake up to birds chirping and sunshine...
I hear the birds chirping and I feel the sunshine, but where was the big wipe? Where was the crisis of a lifetime?
Where is the broken, shattered, bleeding heart?
I feel like my breakup was a dud.
Like I'm waiting for some explosion or the other shoe to drop... but I think (??) this is it?
I know I'm not heartless... so where is the Climax? And I'm not even self distructive or a total douchebag either.. the only thing I've been bad about is school, but school is only a blip on my personal acomplishments and values.
I just now feel like I'm this conduit of love just waiting to explode... I feel a bit sad is because I can't just totally love someone, show every weird facet to, someone to warm to or count on and play with, someone to be beautiful to & to show my best and worst to.
I feel, because of how much I invested my heart, to give my heart away I'd need to be really really swept off my feet...
Full of loveliness, trust, touches of goodness and care, but with lots to teach me and to learn, someone that unquestionably makes me a better person when they're around, you know?
...I want to find a big 'ol fuzzy jiggpuzzle peice of beautiful to fit around and compliment my own beauty.
Luckily, I've had the joy of cuddling with different people all week, and I feel all warm and wholesome ... people are meant to touch and hold each other
I hate thinking that anyone lovely is sleeping lonesome in a bed while I am doing the same.
Where is the sense in that?
Also, I'm entirely full of sass.
I don't know if I should turn it off or what (or if I even can).. but I feel like magnets are all on or something.
It's nice, and I think I'm enough of an adult not to get myself in trouble with the sassiness. (haha, I hope I never have to retract that statement)
So I see love and intimacy everywhere, but I don't know how to reach for it or whether I should... So I'm purely going with the flow.
Thus far it has been sweet.
I just wish I didn't feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop... It's like I'm some paranoid dam worker or something "It;s gonna blow!" even though all the gauges are fine,the walls are reinforced and newly renovated, and the sun is shining and there was just a company picnic and I'm wearing favorite clothes and I can see that the water level is low.
But I just want something big. I expect something big... I thougt I just wouldn't be me anymore, and here I stand.
So this is it? The stuff of shakespeare and murderplots and suicides? Why am I fine?
Who knew this would be a complaint.
I just can't feel accomplished because I feel like I don't work for anything, don't try adequately hard because there aren't enough challenges or they aren't the right kind...
I know its not a bad thing to have it easy, but goodnes gracious! Gimme something productive and satisfying..
Most of my closest friends are such keeper's. I'm such a keeper too.
So Sweep me, dangit! Methinks I feel that way sometimes... but then I realise
Methinks I need to sweep myself off of my own feet.
I'm not really one to wait for things to happen to make me happy
Soon methinks I'll be doing enough things that make me feel useful and purposeful.
for now I'll just keep writing songs and smiling when I feel smiles.
Oh sweet smiles and intimacy... they make me feel so whole and honest
Thanks for your smiles and your beautiful touches!
Love,
Julia