killswitch engaged... it killed me.
heartbreak set in.
all of the sudden it's real. and i'm feeling more and more stupid. like a stupid little girl.
he has until i finish this entry. trying to find some words for how my body feels right now.
like i'm melting and there's this crazy fever that is setting my insides on fire.
when do you learn? how do you learn? and can friends really work? i need these questions asked. and answered. not with time. but now. i'm dying right now.
i didn't know something like this could kill you. so slowly.
my cousin can make things brighter. and make me feel more capable. only to be torn down again. with the fear of how things actually might end up...
maybe i am just making this more dramatic than it actually is. maybe i relied on it too much. maybe i got too involved. maybe i shouldn't have called last night to hear about his day. maybe we shouldn't get along. maybe i should have lost my best friend with my boyfriend. maybe all the secrets he has should just be spilt like milk across a table known as high school. and why can't he just simply answer?
maybe he didn't mean that he loved me. and just said it because it sounded appropriate. and maybe falling in love is only meant for the experienced. this sucks.
i just want to say nevermind don't answer. i'm so afraid of him actually answering that question. but i also want to know if i have any reason to be upset. any reason to be feeling like this. or if i was played. or is... is it all just another thing that i'm going to have to avoid. i miss us horribly. and it's killing me. and he's only missing it. getting on with his life. i'm happy for him though. but it's all feeling incredibly one-sided. as almost every relationship i go through. and i was foolish enough to think i might have found the right one.
fool for you. still. and always.
7.16PM
it all doesn't make sense. it all changed in 4 days. but everything he said before then he meant. how does everything change in four days? how can you decide you don't actually love someone happen that quickly? did i screw up earlier? was i making it deteriarate earlier? how do you jsut get over it. i wish i were that... i don't know. i'm so... frustrated out of confusion. was it going downhill before? do i really want him to keep talking to me? do i really want to sit and torture myself in trying to be friends with him while i'm sitting here miserable. while i'm sitting here and i can't think of a possible person i want to see right now or a single person that i know whill make a difference. i'm tired of crying. my eyes sting. i even took a shower. they are heavy. and i jsut watn to hear his voice. i just want everything to be better. to be oaky again. i want him to tell me that he doesn't care anymore. that it didn't matter. that he's just going to forget about. make me hate him. do soemthing that will just crush me so i'll never want him to talk to me again. never want to make eye contact. i just want to hate him. and as crazy as it is and as hard as it is i still love everything about him. even all the times i felt that i screwed everything up and all the times i would say something and i never knew if he felt okay with too. i just want him to tell me it's all over. that he doesn't want to hear from me again. that there's no hope for even a friendship. that i shouldn't consider him ever because he just doesn't care anymore. For him to tell me that he hates me. For him to say all the things I want him to be feeling and I want to be feeling so I can tell myself it's over and I have no reason to look back. So I have to find some other people. So I'm alone in the world. I feel so alone in the world right now. The one person I want to talk to, I want to tell me it's all going to be better, want to just hold me as I die crying, isn't there. Because it changed over the coarse of 4 days. And I can't understand that.
Apparently life goes on. Because everyone's okay around me. But it feels like everything stopped spinning. That everything stopped. And that I'm a lost cause in this world of causes. Because I'm lost. And every secret he has of mine... I don't know how to share with others. There are some things... I'm done. I quit. I have no motivation once again. And I'll openly admit to a broken heart.
all of the sudden it's real. and i'm feeling more and more stupid. like a stupid little girl.
he has until i finish this entry. trying to find some words for how my body feels right now.
like i'm melting and there's this crazy fever that is setting my insides on fire.
when do you learn? how do you learn? and can friends really work? i need these questions asked. and answered. not with time. but now. i'm dying right now.
i didn't know something like this could kill you. so slowly.
my cousin can make things brighter. and make me feel more capable. only to be torn down again. with the fear of how things actually might end up...
maybe i am just making this more dramatic than it actually is. maybe i relied on it too much. maybe i got too involved. maybe i shouldn't have called last night to hear about his day. maybe we shouldn't get along. maybe i should have lost my best friend with my boyfriend. maybe all the secrets he has should just be spilt like milk across a table known as high school. and why can't he just simply answer?
maybe he didn't mean that he loved me. and just said it because it sounded appropriate. and maybe falling in love is only meant for the experienced. this sucks.
i just want to say nevermind don't answer. i'm so afraid of him actually answering that question. but i also want to know if i have any reason to be upset. any reason to be feeling like this. or if i was played. or is... is it all just another thing that i'm going to have to avoid. i miss us horribly. and it's killing me. and he's only missing it. getting on with his life. i'm happy for him though. but it's all feeling incredibly one-sided. as almost every relationship i go through. and i was foolish enough to think i might have found the right one.
fool for you. still. and always.
7.16PM
it all doesn't make sense. it all changed in 4 days. but everything he said before then he meant. how does everything change in four days? how can you decide you don't actually love someone happen that quickly? did i screw up earlier? was i making it deteriarate earlier? how do you jsut get over it. i wish i were that... i don't know. i'm so... frustrated out of confusion. was it going downhill before? do i really want him to keep talking to me? do i really want to sit and torture myself in trying to be friends with him while i'm sitting here miserable. while i'm sitting here and i can't think of a possible person i want to see right now or a single person that i know whill make a difference. i'm tired of crying. my eyes sting. i even took a shower. they are heavy. and i jsut watn to hear his voice. i just want everything to be better. to be oaky again. i want him to tell me that he doesn't care anymore. that it didn't matter. that he's just going to forget about. make me hate him. do soemthing that will just crush me so i'll never want him to talk to me again. never want to make eye contact. i just want to hate him. and as crazy as it is and as hard as it is i still love everything about him. even all the times i felt that i screwed everything up and all the times i would say something and i never knew if he felt okay with too. i just want him to tell me it's all over. that he doesn't want to hear from me again. that there's no hope for even a friendship. that i shouldn't consider him ever because he just doesn't care anymore. For him to tell me that he hates me. For him to say all the things I want him to be feeling and I want to be feeling so I can tell myself it's over and I have no reason to look back. So I have to find some other people. So I'm alone in the world. I feel so alone in the world right now. The one person I want to talk to, I want to tell me it's all going to be better, want to just hold me as I die crying, isn't there. Because it changed over the coarse of 4 days. And I can't understand that.
Apparently life goes on. Because everyone's okay around me. But it feels like everything stopped spinning. That everything stopped. And that I'm a lost cause in this world of causes. Because I'm lost. And every secret he has of mine... I don't know how to share with others. There are some things... I'm done. I quit. I have no motivation once again. And I'll openly admit to a broken heart.