i was so ready to be done loving you
the peepers are out. spring really is here.
when something bad happens to you, (and i dont mean bad as in, tripping over something or getting a paper cut or failing a test. i mean something that shakes you up and turns your world upside down.) your brain has this way of allowing you to forget about it. it does this thing where for the next couple of days, weeks even, it patches up the hollow spot inside of you, and lets you move on and get the things done that you need to do. essentially, it buries the memory as quickly as possible, allowing you to ignore it.
or at least, this is what happens for me. after the first few days of hollowness, incomprehension, and the constant replaying of events in my head, it quickly fades and recedes to the back of my head. thankfully. because i mean, you cant go on for days and days and days moping about whatever it was that happened to you. youve got to return to some state of normalcy at some point.
but, i have learned, this is all only temporary. i have this habit of covering things up, and then stumbling upon them again totally unexpectedly. its like i've come full circle, and i am back at the beginning again. a place that i absolutely do not want to be. and i returned to it far sooner than i ever expected i might. its like i had this in-between phase, when my brain knew that i was tired of constantly thinking about it, so it let me think about other things and i paraded around as if nothing had happened. and then suddenly, as in, within the last few hours, it all has come back to me. (cue the gloriously horendous nineties song "its all coming back to me now." oh celine, we really never can escape you...) except this time, it has returned with a lot less anger, and a lot more sadness. this time, i just miss the way things were (this time, cue terrible barbara streisand music. curses barbara!) maybe its that routine, sunday-night-hollowness. i used to have ways to fill it up. to mask it. but i dont seem to have that anymore. so instead, its filled with these returning thoughts. and fuck it, i want them to go away. so so so bad. i thought i was finally doing something right. finding some way to leave it behind. but i guess not. so i will say this, and please, take notice: GO AWAY STUPID FEELINGS! I DONT WANT YOU! because i dont want to be in this place again. not this soon.
"my mother always said you shouldn't dwell on unpleasant things and i generally agree with that, i mean, dwelling on them doesnt make them go away. though not dwelling on them doesnt make them go away either, when you come to think of it."
but what does it matter. its spring.
when something bad happens to you, (and i dont mean bad as in, tripping over something or getting a paper cut or failing a test. i mean something that shakes you up and turns your world upside down.) your brain has this way of allowing you to forget about it. it does this thing where for the next couple of days, weeks even, it patches up the hollow spot inside of you, and lets you move on and get the things done that you need to do. essentially, it buries the memory as quickly as possible, allowing you to ignore it.
or at least, this is what happens for me. after the first few days of hollowness, incomprehension, and the constant replaying of events in my head, it quickly fades and recedes to the back of my head. thankfully. because i mean, you cant go on for days and days and days moping about whatever it was that happened to you. youve got to return to some state of normalcy at some point.
but, i have learned, this is all only temporary. i have this habit of covering things up, and then stumbling upon them again totally unexpectedly. its like i've come full circle, and i am back at the beginning again. a place that i absolutely do not want to be. and i returned to it far sooner than i ever expected i might. its like i had this in-between phase, when my brain knew that i was tired of constantly thinking about it, so it let me think about other things and i paraded around as if nothing had happened. and then suddenly, as in, within the last few hours, it all has come back to me. (cue the gloriously horendous nineties song "its all coming back to me now." oh celine, we really never can escape you...) except this time, it has returned with a lot less anger, and a lot more sadness. this time, i just miss the way things were (this time, cue terrible barbara streisand music. curses barbara!) maybe its that routine, sunday-night-hollowness. i used to have ways to fill it up. to mask it. but i dont seem to have that anymore. so instead, its filled with these returning thoughts. and fuck it, i want them to go away. so so so bad. i thought i was finally doing something right. finding some way to leave it behind. but i guess not. so i will say this, and please, take notice: GO AWAY STUPID FEELINGS! I DONT WANT YOU! because i dont want to be in this place again. not this soon.
"my mother always said you shouldn't dwell on unpleasant things and i generally agree with that, i mean, dwelling on them doesnt make them go away. though not dwelling on them doesnt make them go away either, when you come to think of it."
but what does it matter. its spring.