(no subject)
its late and im exhausted and after finally feeling better, my cold hit me full force again this morning. but despite all that, id rather write than go to bed. not about anything particular. but just because there are too many words colliding around in my head and if i dont get some of them out, they will probably start to spout out of my ears and nose.
for the last three weeks, everyone (or at least, almost everyone) has been in a slump. it wasnt your general "im tired and overworked" slump, but more just a need for something new. maybe it wasnt even that. but it was something and it had us all acting a little strange. on my part, i just always had the feeling of wishing i was somewhere else. i didnt know where i wanted to be, but i could never feel perfectly content with exactly where i was at that moment. there also seemed to be a sort of restlessness. after so many months of swimming, to have those free weekends was like a blessing. yet we did nothing with them. and its not that we didnt try. it all just fell to pieces. and we were all acting rather strange and nothing that used to be fun was fun anymore. i dont really know how to describe it. i feel like im still in that same mindset, but at this point im so tired i dont care much anymore. because there are constants that still make me very happy. although then again, it isnt really a case of being happy or not. i was in a slump, but i was not unhappy. i dont know.
last week i cleaned my room. and i dont mean the usual of throwing all my clothes in random drawers and pretending my bed is made. i sorted through boxes of photographs and letters and ticket stubs and yearbooks and books and song lyrics and everything i ever kept that was of some tiny importance. basically it all served to make me realize that im older than i thought i was. im not sure how, or even if thats true, but i felt it at the time. just looking at those pictures and seeing how i have changed and seeing that im happy. i dont know. it was an important thing to realize.
uguh. what a strange weekend it was. friday night the snow began bombarding kennebunk. i felt like we were in some sort of bubble. no connections to the outside world. i could just stand in the middle of the street for ten minutes and listen to the absolute silence. no cars would come. no people to walk by and wonder what the crazy girl was doing in the road. i could just stand and exist and feel quiet. which was a good break from the way i feel half the time. it was a productive weekend. not at all academically, but just in terms of the things i needed to get done. i did one thing that ive been meaning to do for months, but somehow i always talked myself out of it. now that its said and done, im not quite sure if it should have happened like it did. but that could just be this terrible in-between-waiting-period that is doing the talking.
today was an equally off day. i didnt want to be at school today. i was tired and antsty and all day long and by three o clock i thought i was going to throw up/pass out. and i did my fair share of complaining, but i feel like when i go home whenever im sick, i just let myself break down. i know that i wont have to explain to my parents and i can just curl up and make it all sound worse than it really is. which isnt really a good thing to do, but at this point its 12:14 am so who's to say if thats what i really mean or not. but the moral of this story, is that no matter how terrible or horrendous my day has been (and really, this day wasnt too bad) the beach will always make me feel better. tonight, like every night in the past five months, it was too cold to swing. so tonight, driving home from airband, kaylie and i drove around the beach with the sunroof open, music turned up, screaming at the top of our lungs. it just felt comfortable and reminded me of how strange it will be to be away from the ocean next year. that will be one of my biggest adjustments. to not have that huge body of water to ground me and those swings to calm me.
this is all rambling. i feel like im avoiding something. i dont quite no what it is. i wish i did so i could just stand up and confront it and stomp my feet and go to sleep.
for the last three weeks, everyone (or at least, almost everyone) has been in a slump. it wasnt your general "im tired and overworked" slump, but more just a need for something new. maybe it wasnt even that. but it was something and it had us all acting a little strange. on my part, i just always had the feeling of wishing i was somewhere else. i didnt know where i wanted to be, but i could never feel perfectly content with exactly where i was at that moment. there also seemed to be a sort of restlessness. after so many months of swimming, to have those free weekends was like a blessing. yet we did nothing with them. and its not that we didnt try. it all just fell to pieces. and we were all acting rather strange and nothing that used to be fun was fun anymore. i dont really know how to describe it. i feel like im still in that same mindset, but at this point im so tired i dont care much anymore. because there are constants that still make me very happy. although then again, it isnt really a case of being happy or not. i was in a slump, but i was not unhappy. i dont know.
last week i cleaned my room. and i dont mean the usual of throwing all my clothes in random drawers and pretending my bed is made. i sorted through boxes of photographs and letters and ticket stubs and yearbooks and books and song lyrics and everything i ever kept that was of some tiny importance. basically it all served to make me realize that im older than i thought i was. im not sure how, or even if thats true, but i felt it at the time. just looking at those pictures and seeing how i have changed and seeing that im happy. i dont know. it was an important thing to realize.
uguh. what a strange weekend it was. friday night the snow began bombarding kennebunk. i felt like we were in some sort of bubble. no connections to the outside world. i could just stand in the middle of the street for ten minutes and listen to the absolute silence. no cars would come. no people to walk by and wonder what the crazy girl was doing in the road. i could just stand and exist and feel quiet. which was a good break from the way i feel half the time. it was a productive weekend. not at all academically, but just in terms of the things i needed to get done. i did one thing that ive been meaning to do for months, but somehow i always talked myself out of it. now that its said and done, im not quite sure if it should have happened like it did. but that could just be this terrible in-between-waiting-period that is doing the talking.
today was an equally off day. i didnt want to be at school today. i was tired and antsty and all day long and by three o clock i thought i was going to throw up/pass out. and i did my fair share of complaining, but i feel like when i go home whenever im sick, i just let myself break down. i know that i wont have to explain to my parents and i can just curl up and make it all sound worse than it really is. which isnt really a good thing to do, but at this point its 12:14 am so who's to say if thats what i really mean or not. but the moral of this story, is that no matter how terrible or horrendous my day has been (and really, this day wasnt too bad) the beach will always make me feel better. tonight, like every night in the past five months, it was too cold to swing. so tonight, driving home from airband, kaylie and i drove around the beach with the sunroof open, music turned up, screaming at the top of our lungs. it just felt comfortable and reminded me of how strange it will be to be away from the ocean next year. that will be one of my biggest adjustments. to not have that huge body of water to ground me and those swings to calm me.
this is all rambling. i feel like im avoiding something. i dont quite no what it is. i wish i did so i could just stand up and confront it and stomp my feet and go to sleep.