(no subject)
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i guess basically i thought that i had escaped a lot of the stereotypical highschool drama. and i guess i was just not very conscious of how happy ive been these past few years. i mean. granted. there have been those days or weeks when nothing goes right and you just cant get rid of that hollow feeling, but on the whole, ive been lucky. or maybe it wasnt luck. maybe i worked for that happiness. or have good karma. or something. i dont know. but tonight made me realize that i havent been through a lot of really hard things. and tonight. well. it was really hard. and i know it was justified. and that in the end, the stuff i said had to be put out there. but that stupid cliche about how doing the right thing is never easy. well. people say it for a reason. it just sucks knowing how much people get hurt along the way.
tonight i went swinging. after all that shit. it was cold. and the stars have this way of shining brighter when its cold. and the world has a way of holding its breath when you are swinging as high as you can. and for that split second youre floating and things are calm and all there is is the stars. and honestly. its just calming. i also saw the longest shooting star ive ever seen. it started in the middleof the sky and streaked across to the horizon. it glowed green and blue and yellow. and i couldnt really tell if my world was ending, or if it was just the most beautiufl thing i had ever seen.
theres a block and my words are going to stop making sense. and theres just too much and i feel a little bit like im going to explode. i just feel worn out a i think. stretched too thin. like maybe im tired of everyone coming to me when there is a problem. i mean. thats not really true. because i love my friends more than anything. more than raw mushrooms. more than painting. more than swinging. and i know im constantly unloading my problems on other people but sometimes its just hard knowing you dont have an answer for anyone. or knowing that no matter what you say nothing will change. and when six people are trying to talk to you and their worlds are all crumbling a little bit, its hard to know what to do. and its hard to know how you get where you are. especially tonight. i dont know why it happened. i dont know how i started it. i dont even know if i shouldve done it. but it happened. and things have changed. and i may not realize it now. but maybe three days from now. maybe thirty years from now. something about my life will be a little bit differnetly. i guess its that way with everything you do. today you dont go for a walk . maybe if you had, you wouldve gotten hit by a bus. or maybe you wouldve seen an amazing sunset. or tripped and broke your nose. or said hello to someone you havent seen in awhile. but instead you stayed home. maybe at home someone called you and you got angry and something changed. or maybe you fell down the stairs and broke your hip. or maybe someone called and youre reuinited with someone new. theres just no way of every knowing. and you shouldnt think about that stuff. i mean. what would life be like if you just thought about the consequences all the fucking time. and said "Well if i go out , this could happen. so ill just stay home." youd never progress. or change. or do anything at all. and i mean. that badstuff might not happen. but neither would the goodstuff. because seriously, a lot of times, the good comes from the bad. and it just feels fucking spectacular in comparison.
"
i guess basically i thought that i had escaped a lot of the stereotypical highschool drama. and i guess i was just not very conscious of how happy ive been these past few years. i mean. granted. there have been those days or weeks when nothing goes right and you just cant get rid of that hollow feeling, but on the whole, ive been lucky. or maybe it wasnt luck. maybe i worked for that happiness. or have good karma. or something. i dont know. but tonight made me realize that i havent been through a lot of really hard things. and tonight. well. it was really hard. and i know it was justified. and that in the end, the stuff i said had to be put out there. but that stupid cliche about how doing the right thing is never easy. well. people say it for a reason. it just sucks knowing how much people get hurt along the way.
tonight i went swinging. after all that shit. it was cold. and the stars have this way of shining brighter when its cold. and the world has a way of holding its breath when you are swinging as high as you can. and for that split second youre floating and things are calm and all there is is the stars. and honestly. its just calming. i also saw the longest shooting star ive ever seen. it started in the middleof the sky and streaked across to the horizon. it glowed green and blue and yellow. and i couldnt really tell if my world was ending, or if it was just the most beautiufl thing i had ever seen.
theres a block and my words are going to stop making sense. and theres just too much and i feel a little bit like im going to explode. i just feel worn out a i think. stretched too thin. like maybe im tired of everyone coming to me when there is a problem. i mean. thats not really true. because i love my friends more than anything. more than raw mushrooms. more than painting. more than swinging. and i know im constantly unloading my problems on other people but sometimes its just hard knowing you dont have an answer for anyone. or knowing that no matter what you say nothing will change. and when six people are trying to talk to you and their worlds are all crumbling a little bit, its hard to know what to do. and its hard to know how you get where you are. especially tonight. i dont know why it happened. i dont know how i started it. i dont even know if i shouldve done it. but it happened. and things have changed. and i may not realize it now. but maybe three days from now. maybe thirty years from now. something about my life will be a little bit differnetly. i guess its that way with everything you do. today you dont go for a walk . maybe if you had, you wouldve gotten hit by a bus. or maybe you wouldve seen an amazing sunset. or tripped and broke your nose. or said hello to someone you havent seen in awhile. but instead you stayed home. maybe at home someone called you and you got angry and something changed. or maybe you fell down the stairs and broke your hip. or maybe someone called and youre reuinited with someone new. theres just no way of every knowing. and you shouldnt think about that stuff. i mean. what would life be like if you just thought about the consequences all the fucking time. and said "Well if i go out , this could happen. so ill just stay home." youd never progress. or change. or do anything at all. and i mean. that badstuff might not happen. but neither would the goodstuff. because seriously, a lot of times, the good comes from the bad. and it just feels fucking spectacular in comparison.
"