(no subject)
despite the overwhelming amazingness of this weekend, i dont feel good. and this time, its not because of anyone else. its just these things i keep thinking that only i can change and that only effect me. christ that sentence had a lot of "i"s and "me"s. i do think about other things. i promise. but the only time i ever post, im too angry or upset to think of other things. but im not angry. no no. or upset really .just...sad. plain old sad. i cant explain why, because i dont really know. this weekend was phenomenal, and i shouldnt feel sad.
friday night was the fiesta, as you might know. it was incredible. mexcellent even. especially because we all dressed up and there were sombreros and tacos galore. it was one of those nights that just makes you realize how amazing things are. and how simple it is to be happy about everything.
saturday was my lifedrawing class. except our model didnt show up. so we had to draw our hands and feet which normally i would hate, but i didnt. i loved it. our teacher is amazing. she has perfected the balance beetween positive and negative criticism. the way she says thinks just makes everything very clear. plus shes russian. which is pretty rad. it just made me excited about life, and glad that i loved art. and im all fired up and ready to be an artist. sort of.
we watched saved! at caseys on sat. night. it was ....hilariously odd. mcauley caulkin is a dancing genius in a wheel chair. then i slept at kaylies. for the first time in a billion years. literally. a billion. thats a long time. which reminds me. nick and i had an argument with kaylies mom friday about bush vs. kerry. it made me so so so frustrated. people are just so stuck in their ways that they cannot realize what they are saying does not even make sense. (although i guess conservatives would probably say the same about liberals.) but i just overheard my dad say "[kerry] is a product of the media, and he just doesn't sell well." which is quite a way to look at it. and its making me think and making me even more frustrated. but thats for another post when im less angry and more thoughtful.
fuck. this became an overview. my point was is that despite all those very very very very happy things, i dont feel right right now. i feel worried, like something is about to spring upon me that i didnt expect, and that would throw off everything i had hoped for. i think it also has to do with the fact that i keep thinking about you. and knowing that it cant happen. or cant work out. or just cant have a good outcome even if its happy in between the beginning and the end. im sorry.
im sorry about the inarticulateness. and the repetativeness. and the cliches. and everything. and i just hate how this has all been said and all been done and nothing is new. im sorry. i am. i just needed to write instead of having destructive thoughts. i guess ill just go draw. i just wish there was more life to draw from around here. man. im just...sorry.
friday night was the fiesta, as you might know. it was incredible. mexcellent even. especially because we all dressed up and there were sombreros and tacos galore. it was one of those nights that just makes you realize how amazing things are. and how simple it is to be happy about everything.
saturday was my lifedrawing class. except our model didnt show up. so we had to draw our hands and feet which normally i would hate, but i didnt. i loved it. our teacher is amazing. she has perfected the balance beetween positive and negative criticism. the way she says thinks just makes everything very clear. plus shes russian. which is pretty rad. it just made me excited about life, and glad that i loved art. and im all fired up and ready to be an artist. sort of.
we watched saved! at caseys on sat. night. it was ....hilariously odd. mcauley caulkin is a dancing genius in a wheel chair. then i slept at kaylies. for the first time in a billion years. literally. a billion. thats a long time. which reminds me. nick and i had an argument with kaylies mom friday about bush vs. kerry. it made me so so so frustrated. people are just so stuck in their ways that they cannot realize what they are saying does not even make sense. (although i guess conservatives would probably say the same about liberals.) but i just overheard my dad say "[kerry] is a product of the media, and he just doesn't sell well." which is quite a way to look at it. and its making me think and making me even more frustrated. but thats for another post when im less angry and more thoughtful.
fuck. this became an overview. my point was is that despite all those very very very very happy things, i dont feel right right now. i feel worried, like something is about to spring upon me that i didnt expect, and that would throw off everything i had hoped for. i think it also has to do with the fact that i keep thinking about you. and knowing that it cant happen. or cant work out. or just cant have a good outcome even if its happy in between the beginning and the end. im sorry.
im sorry about the inarticulateness. and the repetativeness. and the cliches. and everything. and i just hate how this has all been said and all been done and nothing is new. im sorry. i am. i just needed to write instead of having destructive thoughts. i guess ill just go draw. i just wish there was more life to draw from around here. man. im just...sorry.