When is it enough?
When is misfortune enough? When will I have the self-discipline to realized that I am failing.
I got a letter in the mail a couple of days ago. My mother was kind enough to inform me that I was a failure. That she didn't have enough faith in me to graduate and finish out the year. What? Like you don't know what English AP is like. Ask Proggie. You end up busting your ass to get a decent grade on your essay...and boo. Mrs. Hampton surprises you with a score that you didn't expect after you've worked so hard. It's as if none of us are good enough. Only the elite few. You thought I didn't know huh mama? You thought I would be stupid enough to tell you that I was proud to finish four years of high school and be failing English. Hell, even I didn't know until I got the letter. Thanks Mr. Nelson for informing me so late. The question is...Is it too late?
I'm not a whiz okay?! I can't be Mike Escosia or my world famous cousin, Kellie, who infamously finished her doctorate and is now studying to become a lawyer. I can't be a robot, mom. I'm sorry.
They say a boyfriend is supposed to make everything better. Someone to talk to. Your other half. Remind me to send Cosmo Girl a complaint letter. Don't get me wrong. He's wonderful, but he doesn't make everything go away. I wish he would.
I feel like I didn't try hard enough. Like I COULD have done Better. Despite everything that went on...I let it phase me. I let all my problems of home and bettering myself get to me. Maybe I spent too much time trying to have the body like Steffany Becker's or the mind of some braniac in Anatomy. I wanted to look like a superstar. So I pushed my food and thought I would be okay. WEll, years pass, and I'm still purging, and.. I bet you all didn't know. Help me! I hate myself.
I fixated on eating healthy and when that wasn't enough, I let it free...in the toilet. And then I worried about dressing like Hollister or having Abercrombie motifs. Could I afford it? Hell no. But I would travel the distance to the mall and try on clothing that never would have fit.
Look at my self-pity. Isn't it DISGUSTING? I'm disgusting. It's almost the end of the year and I still can't help to fantasize about chocolate donuts or
Starbux with double scoops of whip cream. A heart attack waiting to happen. And then I convince myuself that I can still buy medium shirts and look good in them. What's wrong with me? I became to caught up in the judgemental aspect of society. The materialism is nauseating. So now, I sit here and pretend not to care in front of thousands of classmates daily. I don't care about how I look now, but I do care whether or not I'm going to graduate. That's my main thing. I can care about prom and how I'll get a dress last minute and look phenomenal in it at a later time.
I tried for four years to be a brainy know-it-all. I couldn't crack it so I slid by with C's and D's. But this year I actually worked, and now people have to tell me that I won't make it. Thanx everyone.
So I will grit my teeth and try, yet again, to get through my AP exam for tommorow. Pray for me. I need this more than anyone.
HEll, just pray for me. Pray that I'll graduate, that I'll get to CCSN even. The cheapest school on the planet. Not even a standard to some people. But it's all I can afford. Yes, just me. My parents won't help me get through even a community college. Or even the rest of my life. I'm not asking for handouts...just help.
Just pray. Please?!
I will. for myself.
I got a letter in the mail a couple of days ago. My mother was kind enough to inform me that I was a failure. That she didn't have enough faith in me to graduate and finish out the year. What? Like you don't know what English AP is like. Ask Proggie. You end up busting your ass to get a decent grade on your essay...and boo. Mrs. Hampton surprises you with a score that you didn't expect after you've worked so hard. It's as if none of us are good enough. Only the elite few. You thought I didn't know huh mama? You thought I would be stupid enough to tell you that I was proud to finish four years of high school and be failing English. Hell, even I didn't know until I got the letter. Thanks Mr. Nelson for informing me so late. The question is...Is it too late?
I'm not a whiz okay?! I can't be Mike Escosia or my world famous cousin, Kellie, who infamously finished her doctorate and is now studying to become a lawyer. I can't be a robot, mom. I'm sorry.
They say a boyfriend is supposed to make everything better. Someone to talk to. Your other half. Remind me to send Cosmo Girl a complaint letter. Don't get me wrong. He's wonderful, but he doesn't make everything go away. I wish he would.
I feel like I didn't try hard enough. Like I COULD have done Better. Despite everything that went on...I let it phase me. I let all my problems of home and bettering myself get to me. Maybe I spent too much time trying to have the body like Steffany Becker's or the mind of some braniac in Anatomy. I wanted to look like a superstar. So I pushed my food and thought I would be okay. WEll, years pass, and I'm still purging, and.. I bet you all didn't know. Help me! I hate myself.
I fixated on eating healthy and when that wasn't enough, I let it free...in the toilet. And then I worried about dressing like Hollister or having Abercrombie motifs. Could I afford it? Hell no. But I would travel the distance to the mall and try on clothing that never would have fit.
Look at my self-pity. Isn't it DISGUSTING? I'm disgusting. It's almost the end of the year and I still can't help to fantasize about chocolate donuts or
Starbux with double scoops of whip cream. A heart attack waiting to happen. And then I convince myuself that I can still buy medium shirts and look good in them. What's wrong with me? I became to caught up in the judgemental aspect of society. The materialism is nauseating. So now, I sit here and pretend not to care in front of thousands of classmates daily. I don't care about how I look now, but I do care whether or not I'm going to graduate. That's my main thing. I can care about prom and how I'll get a dress last minute and look phenomenal in it at a later time.
I tried for four years to be a brainy know-it-all. I couldn't crack it so I slid by with C's and D's. But this year I actually worked, and now people have to tell me that I won't make it. Thanx everyone.
So I will grit my teeth and try, yet again, to get through my AP exam for tommorow. Pray for me. I need this more than anyone.
HEll, just pray for me. Pray that I'll graduate, that I'll get to CCSN even. The cheapest school on the planet. Not even a standard to some people. But it's all I can afford. Yes, just me. My parents won't help me get through even a community college. Or even the rest of my life. I'm not asking for handouts...just help.
Just pray. Please?!
I will. for myself.