*Taps the mic* Is this thing still on?
I don't even know where to start. For the past year my life has felt like a badly written country music song. I suppose I could just do an "end of the year" review things and try to catch everything up to speed. Problem is, it's been such a blur that I'm sure I'll leave something out. Oh well.. here goes.
December 2008. It's fucking cold, I've thrown out or donated just about everything I own and stood by as strangers sifted through my stuff for things they wanted. We'd finally lost the farmhouse. Feeling like a weight had been lifted, and yet feeling no joy in it, we packed what we could, shoved it in a U-Haul while we bit our tongues and tried not to fight with each other, and headed North.
Even as we tried to keep out tempers from getting the better of us, my last memory in that house is Jen and I screaming at each other when we had just gotten too overwhelmed. Twenty-six years ended by a slamming door and shouts. I still don't know what to make of that. Christmas was spent with all of us pretty much sleeping on the floor of the new house, and too broke/dispirited to want to celebrate anything.
January 2009. Still cold, and the snow is deeper in the North. It was nice to have a clean house, free of drafts, and in a subdivision that still had trees. I had nightmares of having to move back to the old house, not that I didn't miss it, but the process of moving had been so awful that the idea of doing so again made me want to cry. The first month of 2009 was spent adjusting to a new town and a new house.
February 2009. Again, cold. Deep snow. However I wasn't in Michigan to deal with it, having flown to Boston to spend time with Matt. We had a triple event for February and early March, in which we celebrated Valentine's Day, Wicked Faire, and our three year anniversary. Valentine's Day was celebrated at the Paddock restaurant for the second year in a row and thoroughly enjoyed. Wicked Faire, and adult themed Ren Faire, turned out to be loads of fun despite a little drama and I still have fantastic ideas for the next. Our three year anniversary was spent in Pittsburgh, where Matt attended a conference and was finally able to say "I love you". The very next day I boarded a Greyhound bus and went home.
March 2009. On returning home from a month away, I had to have my yearly exam. Usually not something I make public, this one is an exception although I wouldn't know it for a couple of weeks. Readjusting to the new home wasn't difficult and I even looked forward to my birthday a little. That would change when a week and a half after my exam I got a phone call. I was in the pre-stages of cancer. Cancerous cells were present and if I did not handle it soon, I would have cervical cancer. That's just not a phone call you want.
April 2009. Still reeling from the news, I applied for state aide for my medical bills so I could schedule the procedures I needed. My birthday came and went with little notice and I began to consider all that I worried I would not be able to do. I reviewed my life and sought out the things I regretted, tried to stay positive and wept by myself in the wee hours of the morning when the powers of positive thought failed me and I faced my own mortality.
May 2009. As the weather warmed, I dealt with more paperwork and more waiting games. I did more research on my condition, came to understand the treatments and tried not to think of my losses if they decided chemo-therapy was in my best interest. My hair would be gone if that happened and I found myself constantly feeling my head. Would it be lumpy and weird? Would I smell like death?
June 2009. I went in for a biopsy and spent a week bleeding profusely. Questions plagued my mind, taking me to strange places. I thought of odd moments in my life, thought of missing the strangest things like certain intersections, the sound of a specific DJ, or the sound of the waves on the beach at Higgins Lake in the morning. Around this time my Aunt Becky passed away. I can remember going to her funeral with dread. Would mine be coming? Was this my ultimate future before the age of 35? They continued to talk about chemo, and about the more aggressive forms I might have to endure to spare myself that fate.
July 2009. After feeling like I could have my hair taken from me, I buzzed it short. The less to lose, I told myself, the less to weep for should the worst happen. They scheduled surgery for August, and I decided it was time to see Matt again. Two days before I boarded the bus for Boston I was informed that I would not need chemotherapy treatments and a single procedure would most likely solve the problem. Feeling like a million dollars I spent July with Matt, celebrating the fact that my outlook was suddenly much better.
August 2009. My procedure was ultimately postponed so I spent two weeks at the family cabin trying to rest and relax, distract myself from having to go under the knife. July with Matt had been wonderful, but on returning home we fell into our usual pattern of barely talking on the internet, never talking on the phone, and generally just drifting along. Any talking of the future always made it a big question mark, and it seemed as if there would be no more progress.
September 2009. After months of worry, panic and fear, I had the surgery. I can remember the nurse looming over me with the intubation tube in her hand waiting for the anesthesia to kick in. Then all goes black. I eventually woke up in the hospital room with my parents, groggy, disoriented and trying to force myself awake. The rest of the time I was in a groggy blur of recovery, sleeping a lot and resting in copious amounts.
October 2009. More drifting with Matt and more time recovering. I don't remember much of October as it was spent moping a bit in a little depression. Did nothing for Halloween which in turn only depressed me more. By the end of it, I was beginning to think that I was wasting this chance I'd been given. I had been given a new perspective on my life, and was beginning to understand that I needed great changes or I would be squandering it.
November 2009. After three and a half years I considered a hiatus with Matt. It seemed to go no where, no future, no direction, no plans to do anything but continue on in the same droning fashion. It wasn't what I wanted, and not what I felt I deserved. I did the hardest thing in telling him so and had largely expected him to just accept that, say he was sorry and we'd go our own ways. Instead he flew out for Thanksgiving and threw himself into convincing me we belong together. He gave me a golden, inscripted locket, and an evening in a beautiful B&B with champagne, chocolate covered strawberries and mixed cds filled with songs containing messages he wanted me to hear. I heard them, and we vowed to work on things. Still, by the time he left in early December there were no plans for our future, no changes to suggest that I wouldn't be spending the next five years waiting on him to decide if I was marriagble.
December 2009. Again as time passed, I gave up hope despite his fantastic attempts to keep us together. There was no talk of marriage other than to say it might happen at some time in the future although that depended on other things. It left me conflicted, even angry for feeling lead on once again and finally gave voice to three years of frustration at waiting for him to say what I needed to hear. After putting everything out, including what I wanted and needed, he drove across Canada for Christmas, spent it with my family where he helped to bring back the holiday spirit long missing and proposed with my grandmother's solitaire in a brand new white gold setting.
I said yes, and we began packing up the few things I had left, packed them in his car and Avalon and I set out to a new life in Boston as Matt's fiance, living with him and planning our future in solid terms. I can't even begin to describe what that level of security has done for me alone, and how it's made what I feel for Matt so much deeper. We spent Christmas Day and New Years with is family in Pittsburgh and even Jen was able to join us while we gathered our wedding party and began planning our epic event.
January 2010. It's cold as hell again and this time I couldn't care less. Tux and Avalon get along fairly well and while Avalon didn't do well on the car ride itself, she's adjusting well to life in a new state. I joined a gym where I work out daily, and chipped away at pieces of the wedding. It's set for June 11, 2011.
In sad news, after telling Matt's friend Terri our good news, I asked her to be a bridesmaid and was rather disappointed with her rejection that subsequently resulted in the end of the friendship to my knowledge. I have not heard from her since Matt wrote back explaining our side and our severe disappointment, but that's another topic for another day. For now I have a blank spot open in the wedding party and so much time to plan my future.
February 2010. As the year has brought me back to the month of love, I return to Wicked Faire in a couple of weeks as Queen of Hearts for the Alice in Wonderland theme. I can't think of a more apt title considering my upcoming wedded bliss. 2010 is looking better already!
December 2008. It's fucking cold, I've thrown out or donated just about everything I own and stood by as strangers sifted through my stuff for things they wanted. We'd finally lost the farmhouse. Feeling like a weight had been lifted, and yet feeling no joy in it, we packed what we could, shoved it in a U-Haul while we bit our tongues and tried not to fight with each other, and headed North.
Even as we tried to keep out tempers from getting the better of us, my last memory in that house is Jen and I screaming at each other when we had just gotten too overwhelmed. Twenty-six years ended by a slamming door and shouts. I still don't know what to make of that. Christmas was spent with all of us pretty much sleeping on the floor of the new house, and too broke/dispirited to want to celebrate anything.
January 2009. Still cold, and the snow is deeper in the North. It was nice to have a clean house, free of drafts, and in a subdivision that still had trees. I had nightmares of having to move back to the old house, not that I didn't miss it, but the process of moving had been so awful that the idea of doing so again made me want to cry. The first month of 2009 was spent adjusting to a new town and a new house.
February 2009. Again, cold. Deep snow. However I wasn't in Michigan to deal with it, having flown to Boston to spend time with Matt. We had a triple event for February and early March, in which we celebrated Valentine's Day, Wicked Faire, and our three year anniversary. Valentine's Day was celebrated at the Paddock restaurant for the second year in a row and thoroughly enjoyed. Wicked Faire, and adult themed Ren Faire, turned out to be loads of fun despite a little drama and I still have fantastic ideas for the next. Our three year anniversary was spent in Pittsburgh, where Matt attended a conference and was finally able to say "I love you". The very next day I boarded a Greyhound bus and went home.
March 2009. On returning home from a month away, I had to have my yearly exam. Usually not something I make public, this one is an exception although I wouldn't know it for a couple of weeks. Readjusting to the new home wasn't difficult and I even looked forward to my birthday a little. That would change when a week and a half after my exam I got a phone call. I was in the pre-stages of cancer. Cancerous cells were present and if I did not handle it soon, I would have cervical cancer. That's just not a phone call you want.
April 2009. Still reeling from the news, I applied for state aide for my medical bills so I could schedule the procedures I needed. My birthday came and went with little notice and I began to consider all that I worried I would not be able to do. I reviewed my life and sought out the things I regretted, tried to stay positive and wept by myself in the wee hours of the morning when the powers of positive thought failed me and I faced my own mortality.
May 2009. As the weather warmed, I dealt with more paperwork and more waiting games. I did more research on my condition, came to understand the treatments and tried not to think of my losses if they decided chemo-therapy was in my best interest. My hair would be gone if that happened and I found myself constantly feeling my head. Would it be lumpy and weird? Would I smell like death?
June 2009. I went in for a biopsy and spent a week bleeding profusely. Questions plagued my mind, taking me to strange places. I thought of odd moments in my life, thought of missing the strangest things like certain intersections, the sound of a specific DJ, or the sound of the waves on the beach at Higgins Lake in the morning. Around this time my Aunt Becky passed away. I can remember going to her funeral with dread. Would mine be coming? Was this my ultimate future before the age of 35? They continued to talk about chemo, and about the more aggressive forms I might have to endure to spare myself that fate.
July 2009. After feeling like I could have my hair taken from me, I buzzed it short. The less to lose, I told myself, the less to weep for should the worst happen. They scheduled surgery for August, and I decided it was time to see Matt again. Two days before I boarded the bus for Boston I was informed that I would not need chemotherapy treatments and a single procedure would most likely solve the problem. Feeling like a million dollars I spent July with Matt, celebrating the fact that my outlook was suddenly much better.
August 2009. My procedure was ultimately postponed so I spent two weeks at the family cabin trying to rest and relax, distract myself from having to go under the knife. July with Matt had been wonderful, but on returning home we fell into our usual pattern of barely talking on the internet, never talking on the phone, and generally just drifting along. Any talking of the future always made it a big question mark, and it seemed as if there would be no more progress.
September 2009. After months of worry, panic and fear, I had the surgery. I can remember the nurse looming over me with the intubation tube in her hand waiting for the anesthesia to kick in. Then all goes black. I eventually woke up in the hospital room with my parents, groggy, disoriented and trying to force myself awake. The rest of the time I was in a groggy blur of recovery, sleeping a lot and resting in copious amounts.
October 2009. More drifting with Matt and more time recovering. I don't remember much of October as it was spent moping a bit in a little depression. Did nothing for Halloween which in turn only depressed me more. By the end of it, I was beginning to think that I was wasting this chance I'd been given. I had been given a new perspective on my life, and was beginning to understand that I needed great changes or I would be squandering it.
November 2009. After three and a half years I considered a hiatus with Matt. It seemed to go no where, no future, no direction, no plans to do anything but continue on in the same droning fashion. It wasn't what I wanted, and not what I felt I deserved. I did the hardest thing in telling him so and had largely expected him to just accept that, say he was sorry and we'd go our own ways. Instead he flew out for Thanksgiving and threw himself into convincing me we belong together. He gave me a golden, inscripted locket, and an evening in a beautiful B&B with champagne, chocolate covered strawberries and mixed cds filled with songs containing messages he wanted me to hear. I heard them, and we vowed to work on things. Still, by the time he left in early December there were no plans for our future, no changes to suggest that I wouldn't be spending the next five years waiting on him to decide if I was marriagble.
December 2009. Again as time passed, I gave up hope despite his fantastic attempts to keep us together. There was no talk of marriage other than to say it might happen at some time in the future although that depended on other things. It left me conflicted, even angry for feeling lead on once again and finally gave voice to three years of frustration at waiting for him to say what I needed to hear. After putting everything out, including what I wanted and needed, he drove across Canada for Christmas, spent it with my family where he helped to bring back the holiday spirit long missing and proposed with my grandmother's solitaire in a brand new white gold setting.
I said yes, and we began packing up the few things I had left, packed them in his car and Avalon and I set out to a new life in Boston as Matt's fiance, living with him and planning our future in solid terms. I can't even begin to describe what that level of security has done for me alone, and how it's made what I feel for Matt so much deeper. We spent Christmas Day and New Years with is family in Pittsburgh and even Jen was able to join us while we gathered our wedding party and began planning our epic event.
January 2010. It's cold as hell again and this time I couldn't care less. Tux and Avalon get along fairly well and while Avalon didn't do well on the car ride itself, she's adjusting well to life in a new state. I joined a gym where I work out daily, and chipped away at pieces of the wedding. It's set for June 11, 2011.
In sad news, after telling Matt's friend Terri our good news, I asked her to be a bridesmaid and was rather disappointed with her rejection that subsequently resulted in the end of the friendship to my knowledge. I have not heard from her since Matt wrote back explaining our side and our severe disappointment, but that's another topic for another day. For now I have a blank spot open in the wedding party and so much time to plan my future.
February 2010. As the year has brought me back to the month of love, I return to Wicked Faire in a couple of weeks as Queen of Hearts for the Alice in Wonderland theme. I can't think of a more apt title considering my upcoming wedded bliss. 2010 is looking better already!