Another year older
Last year my birthday fell on one of the worst times in my life. Looking back on it now I had no idea how deep my depression went and the lengths I went to just to get by. I don't even know how I did it.
But this year was different. This year was the triumphant return of the Happy Birthday. This year I did not regret the life in my body. It was the first year in eight long years that was not a struggle to smile when I didn't feel like it and woke excited.
Matt had come over the night before and spent the night with me, talking while my mind drifted over the thought of 28 long years on this earth and very little to show for it. Everything I had ever owned or done up to a year ago had vanished as if it had never happened and I had struck out to find a completely new path.
I awoke early on my birthday and looked at the wall trying to figure out what I was feeling when it dawned on me. I was excited. For the first time in a very long time I was actually excited for my birthday. There were no heavy clouds, no worries of insults, no fear of trouble or pain. I turned to Matt and pestered him awake, unable to let him sleep with my excitment.
We got up and showered around eight o'clock in the morning, something that would otherwise never happen, and dressed nicely. I knew we were heading out to breakfast, and I was excited just for that, to have my birthday breakfast with this reawakened giddyness in my heart.
Before we left though, Matt asked me to call us a cab. "We're going to the airport." I called the cab and looked at him, puzzled. He wouldn't say why we were going and I began to wonder just what he had up his sleeve. As the cab neared the airport, Matt instructed him to veer away from the terminals and to the harbor. My mind snapped to the ferry, were we going to Salem on a boat? It's was pretty cold for that..
But no, he steered the cab driver instead to the car rental place. It didn't take me long to put together a conversation a while ago about my old, beloved car and this new trip to the car rental place. It only took a few minutes and we were driving away in a brand new, shiny, cherry red Mustang. Matt apologized profusely for it being a v6, but I didn't care. It was as perfect a car as I could even hope to dream of cruising in on my big day and with him behind the wheel, we fired it up and drove.
We had breakfast at IHOP, my plate of chocolate chip pancakes topped with syrup almost completely devoured while I grinned, unable to contain my happiness. His plan to publicly humiliate me failed when he learned IHOP doesn't give a damn if it's your birthday or not and I was spared the whole place singing.
After breakfast we hopped on the interstate and he let me drive as far north as I wanted to, which meant I got to cruise along while he took a nap, me smiling the whole damn time. We reached Rockport and I found a decent parking spot where we climbed out and walked down to the beach, the strolled the sidewalks and little shops in the warming afternoon sun.
After a little while we headed over to Salem, again enjoying the ride and just watching the world spin outside my Mustang for the day. In Salem we visited museums, walked the memorials, and chatted with a Catholic about my religion. He was open and kind and non-judgemental. We scoped out lunch then headed back into town where Matt made a diversion into the parking lot of a very nice hotel, grinning as he explained we would be staying there overnight.
We checked in and took a small nap, all too happy to lay curled in his arms on the huge bed and drift into relaxed sleep. We woke a little later and I was happy to find out I had even been smiling in my sleep, or most of it anyway and we headed out to dinner with Larissa, Brandon, and Nirav. I was out of it, but this time it was for good reasons. I tried sticking to the more grounded conversation of the table, but I was elated. I wanted people to be light and happy and let me soak this up, just this one incredibly perfect day and for the most part they complied.
They scored a hit when the waitstaff came to sing Happy Birthday with a giant stuffed moose head and would not end my embarassing ordeal until I kissed the moose's nose. I leaned over and hoped they'd be quick to remove themselves afterwards and I was happy to see that when I straightened, they'd already dispersed.
I got a very pretty circlet from Larissa for my costume and I have to say that when I tried it on later the next day, I was rather taken with the way it made me look.
After dinner Matt offeed to let me drive north again as far as I wanted to and we did, my face in a permanent grin as I gunned it from time to time, just opening it up. After a while, I noticed a car pacing me to the right and looking over I saw a red Mustang, maybe a 1997 model. It was of course a v8, but I decided to play anyway. I couldn't keep up, even with my skill my car was missing two vital cylinders, but I gave them a run for their money.
We raced at over 100 mph, then one of us would slow, perhaps fall in line with the other for a while, then line up all over again. A few times I got them off the go and even managed to pull ahead which told me they were either really unskilled or they were just being nice.
After a while of this, Matt and I pulled off to turn around and the other car kept going. It's also of note that in a darkened parking lot, Matt got his first taste of a brodie, clutching the passenger door and grinning himself as I whirled the car in a tight circle while rubber screamed on pavement.
After that it was back to the hotel where we collapsed on the bed and slept until the alarm woke us far too early the next day.
***
Life has been a little sucky for me, I haven't had internet for a while now and it's been helping to feed my feeling of isolation. Thankfully everyday issues with life hadn't affected my birthday, but there is enough going on to significantly burden me every other day.
The business with the game has me all but tearing my hair out with people betraying us, personal attacks on myself and people willfully ignorant of lawful definitions. Hacking one time is a crime. There's enough to prosecute simply on the intent to hack a database if you say it to enough people.
Most importanly I am sick to my stomach with what people have done to me. The sites have been hacked through my accounts. People I have fought for, people I have born no hatred for have knifed me so cruelly that I am beyond myself. And what's worse are the people who turn a blind eye to it!
It will end, one way or another. I was nice and I offered everything from reconcilliation to a clean break. I will not be spat on this way and I will not let hours, weeks and months of hard work go to shit because someone can't swallow their fucking pride.
On the small scale it's a game, yes. On the bigger it's about being a decent human being and it's also about being a law abiding citizen. I was harassed and my security was violated. After a chat with a party partially aware of what was going on, I realzed some people are just not going to listen.
She was adament that the charges won't stick in a court and a lawyer will have them thrown out. Ok. I'm not going for the suits, I'm going for the guys with the guns. You may be aquitted, but you'll sweat it out in an interrogation and interview first.
And hiding behind "It's all on the internet, it isn't real" is bullshit. There are entire law enforcement divisions -devoted- to dealing with this sort of thing. Every day there's a new breaking story about how what happens on the internet is just as subject to laws as what happens face to face. So take that and eat it.
You can dance around and try to throw definitions. "It wasn't recurring so it won't hold". Ok, so shall I punch you one time? It isn't assault if I just hit you once really really hard, right? Oh wait, that happened to me not that long ago. He's sweating out federal charges and that guy barely had a parking ticket on his record. The shit you do whether it's on the internet or in real life has very real repercussions and you are going to taste that first hand. So buckle up. I've been down this road before and I know it's much better on this side of things.
I've drawn the line. This is not how friends behave and in doing this and condoning it, you all but say in so many words our friendship means nothing to you. What is the saying? Actions speak louder than words? Im willing to say that's the case here.
So yeah, I'm another year older, and this year I'm not taking it anymore. You want to pull some shit with me, then you can figure out right quick I am in no mood for it.
For the rest of you who have remained as ever loyal friends, I hope to chat with you soon.
But this year was different. This year was the triumphant return of the Happy Birthday. This year I did not regret the life in my body. It was the first year in eight long years that was not a struggle to smile when I didn't feel like it and woke excited.
Matt had come over the night before and spent the night with me, talking while my mind drifted over the thought of 28 long years on this earth and very little to show for it. Everything I had ever owned or done up to a year ago had vanished as if it had never happened and I had struck out to find a completely new path.
I awoke early on my birthday and looked at the wall trying to figure out what I was feeling when it dawned on me. I was excited. For the first time in a very long time I was actually excited for my birthday. There were no heavy clouds, no worries of insults, no fear of trouble or pain. I turned to Matt and pestered him awake, unable to let him sleep with my excitment.
We got up and showered around eight o'clock in the morning, something that would otherwise never happen, and dressed nicely. I knew we were heading out to breakfast, and I was excited just for that, to have my birthday breakfast with this reawakened giddyness in my heart.
Before we left though, Matt asked me to call us a cab. "We're going to the airport." I called the cab and looked at him, puzzled. He wouldn't say why we were going and I began to wonder just what he had up his sleeve. As the cab neared the airport, Matt instructed him to veer away from the terminals and to the harbor. My mind snapped to the ferry, were we going to Salem on a boat? It's was pretty cold for that..
But no, he steered the cab driver instead to the car rental place. It didn't take me long to put together a conversation a while ago about my old, beloved car and this new trip to the car rental place. It only took a few minutes and we were driving away in a brand new, shiny, cherry red Mustang. Matt apologized profusely for it being a v6, but I didn't care. It was as perfect a car as I could even hope to dream of cruising in on my big day and with him behind the wheel, we fired it up and drove.
We had breakfast at IHOP, my plate of chocolate chip pancakes topped with syrup almost completely devoured while I grinned, unable to contain my happiness. His plan to publicly humiliate me failed when he learned IHOP doesn't give a damn if it's your birthday or not and I was spared the whole place singing.
After breakfast we hopped on the interstate and he let me drive as far north as I wanted to, which meant I got to cruise along while he took a nap, me smiling the whole damn time. We reached Rockport and I found a decent parking spot where we climbed out and walked down to the beach, the strolled the sidewalks and little shops in the warming afternoon sun.
After a little while we headed over to Salem, again enjoying the ride and just watching the world spin outside my Mustang for the day. In Salem we visited museums, walked the memorials, and chatted with a Catholic about my religion. He was open and kind and non-judgemental. We scoped out lunch then headed back into town where Matt made a diversion into the parking lot of a very nice hotel, grinning as he explained we would be staying there overnight.
We checked in and took a small nap, all too happy to lay curled in his arms on the huge bed and drift into relaxed sleep. We woke a little later and I was happy to find out I had even been smiling in my sleep, or most of it anyway and we headed out to dinner with Larissa, Brandon, and Nirav. I was out of it, but this time it was for good reasons. I tried sticking to the more grounded conversation of the table, but I was elated. I wanted people to be light and happy and let me soak this up, just this one incredibly perfect day and for the most part they complied.
They scored a hit when the waitstaff came to sing Happy Birthday with a giant stuffed moose head and would not end my embarassing ordeal until I kissed the moose's nose. I leaned over and hoped they'd be quick to remove themselves afterwards and I was happy to see that when I straightened, they'd already dispersed.
I got a very pretty circlet from Larissa for my costume and I have to say that when I tried it on later the next day, I was rather taken with the way it made me look.
After dinner Matt offeed to let me drive north again as far as I wanted to and we did, my face in a permanent grin as I gunned it from time to time, just opening it up. After a while, I noticed a car pacing me to the right and looking over I saw a red Mustang, maybe a 1997 model. It was of course a v8, but I decided to play anyway. I couldn't keep up, even with my skill my car was missing two vital cylinders, but I gave them a run for their money.
We raced at over 100 mph, then one of us would slow, perhaps fall in line with the other for a while, then line up all over again. A few times I got them off the go and even managed to pull ahead which told me they were either really unskilled or they were just being nice.
After a while of this, Matt and I pulled off to turn around and the other car kept going. It's also of note that in a darkened parking lot, Matt got his first taste of a brodie, clutching the passenger door and grinning himself as I whirled the car in a tight circle while rubber screamed on pavement.
After that it was back to the hotel where we collapsed on the bed and slept until the alarm woke us far too early the next day.
***
Life has been a little sucky for me, I haven't had internet for a while now and it's been helping to feed my feeling of isolation. Thankfully everyday issues with life hadn't affected my birthday, but there is enough going on to significantly burden me every other day.
The business with the game has me all but tearing my hair out with people betraying us, personal attacks on myself and people willfully ignorant of lawful definitions. Hacking one time is a crime. There's enough to prosecute simply on the intent to hack a database if you say it to enough people.
Most importanly I am sick to my stomach with what people have done to me. The sites have been hacked through my accounts. People I have fought for, people I have born no hatred for have knifed me so cruelly that I am beyond myself. And what's worse are the people who turn a blind eye to it!
It will end, one way or another. I was nice and I offered everything from reconcilliation to a clean break. I will not be spat on this way and I will not let hours, weeks and months of hard work go to shit because someone can't swallow their fucking pride.
On the small scale it's a game, yes. On the bigger it's about being a decent human being and it's also about being a law abiding citizen. I was harassed and my security was violated. After a chat with a party partially aware of what was going on, I realzed some people are just not going to listen.
She was adament that the charges won't stick in a court and a lawyer will have them thrown out. Ok. I'm not going for the suits, I'm going for the guys with the guns. You may be aquitted, but you'll sweat it out in an interrogation and interview first.
And hiding behind "It's all on the internet, it isn't real" is bullshit. There are entire law enforcement divisions -devoted- to dealing with this sort of thing. Every day there's a new breaking story about how what happens on the internet is just as subject to laws as what happens face to face. So take that and eat it.
You can dance around and try to throw definitions. "It wasn't recurring so it won't hold". Ok, so shall I punch you one time? It isn't assault if I just hit you once really really hard, right? Oh wait, that happened to me not that long ago. He's sweating out federal charges and that guy barely had a parking ticket on his record. The shit you do whether it's on the internet or in real life has very real repercussions and you are going to taste that first hand. So buckle up. I've been down this road before and I know it's much better on this side of things.
I've drawn the line. This is not how friends behave and in doing this and condoning it, you all but say in so many words our friendship means nothing to you. What is the saying? Actions speak louder than words? Im willing to say that's the case here.
So yeah, I'm another year older, and this year I'm not taking it anymore. You want to pull some shit with me, then you can figure out right quick I am in no mood for it.
For the rest of you who have remained as ever loyal friends, I hope to chat with you soon.