Gender Change
My anthropology professor assigned a "Gender Change Essay" in which we have to discuss what life would be like as a member of the opposite sex.
Disclaimers are at the bottom.
"Hi. My name is Mark. I’m a twenty-year-old guy with the most arrogant attitude you’ve ever seen. It doesn’t matter that I’m only twenty; I’ve had a fake ID since I was sixteen and it’s gotten me into countless clubs. It’s also helped me buy all the cigarettes and alcohol I want. I’m a guy so it’s okay if I smoke and drink; my dad isn’t mad about it. Actually, he encourages me to have some vodka with my dinner every time he makes a toast. And after dinner we go outside and have a smoke while my mom and sisters clean up the table and wash the dishes. I have two sisters. One is older and the other is younger. I’m very protective over both of them. I’m allowed to be protective of my older sister because she’s a girl, so she needs to be watched over. This one time, there was a guy who was bugging her, so she told me about it and my cousin and I went to meet with him. We told him if he didn’t back off, he’d regret it. He didn’t even put up a fight, probably because he saw how ripped my body is and knew I wouldn’t be afraid to kick his ass. That’s how most guys are around me. They’re just intimidated because I’m so muscular that they wish they could look as good as I do.
Girls just flock to me. Still, I have to do some wining-and-dining when it comes to dating. After all, I am the guy and making a girl pay for dinner would just be flat-out embarrassing. Occasionally I buy the girl flowers. I mean, come on, how else would I get laid? See, that’s the thing about dating. The girls call all the shots. If a girl wants to get laid, she’s going to get laid. Period. All she has to do is make a call or go out and act easy. But when a guy wants to get laid, he has to work for it. Of course I do less work than most guys, because I look so good that girls are already halfway ready to give it up. I also make sure to convince girls to be on birth control pills, because I hate using condoms; it just doesn’t feel the same. And I don’t want to deal with any pregnancy scares. Even though, if the girl got pregnant then she’s the one who has to deal with getting the abortion. I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with that kind of pressure. I could just have sex without consequence. But the tough part is telling girls afterward that it’s over. I mean tough for them, not tough for me. It’s especially hard if the girl is a virgin before I sleep with her. The second they have sex they just get so attached. I’m like, ‘stop being so clingy it’s just sex.’ See, that’s why I like being a guy. Sex is just physical, not emotional. I have the ability to separate emotions from physical acts, unlike many girls I know. Maybe they’re just PMSing. Girls who are emotional are probably having those hormones and stuff going on. Then they get even clingier. What’s up with that? One time a girl was clinging to me so much that I tricked her into dumping me by pretending I have an insatiable appetite for receiving oral sex. As if we were even in a relationship. Relationships are for pansies. And who the hell would even want to be with the same girl twenty-four-seven? Girls are just an accessory anyway.
I like to spend most of my time working out. That way I can look in the mirror and think ‘yeah, I’d do me.’ I spend a lot of time getting ready to go out, too. My looks are my most prized possession (second is my World of Warcraft computer game). Sometimes I pluck between my eyebrows but I don’t pluck too much. I want to look masculine, not metrosexual. Don’t even get me started on guys like that. How do they even call themselves guys? They’re just a disgrace.
I don’t go to school because there’s really no point. I’m probably going to end up taking over my dad’s business one day like most guys do. For now I just work at GNC because I need money and I use their vitamins and muscle-builders. I have a female co-worker, but male customers don’t pay any attention to her. They ask me all the questions because not only am I a guy, but I’m built. I’m a credible source for product information. That job keeps my head above water. After all the money I spend on alcohol, cigarettes, partying, and girls, it’s a miracle I still have money left to make my car and cell-phone payments. My dad doesn’t help me out with those bills, but he pays for my sisters’.
Wow, girls have it so easy. They never have to pay for anything and they can get laid whenever they want! If only I was a girl…"*
*This essay is not about my friend Mark.
*My dad is not an alcoholic.
*Any reference to a guy who may have bugged my sister is a coincidence.
*I do not have a vast knowledge of how condoms feel.
*I know if a girl gets pregnant, the guy still faces some consequence.
*Crude humor about break-ups is added for merely that: crude humor.
*I'm not making fun of guys with unibrows.
*I have no disrespect toward metro guys. On the contrary...
*Guys who take over their dad's business are not stupid for not going to school.
*The reference to GNC just made sense for the purpose of the cockiness angle in relation to the female co-worker. I don't think all guys who work at GNC are cocky.
*Girls are not constantly showered with money and sex.
*This entire essay is based on stereotypes. I did not write this essay about any specific guy I know (I hope). I've taken bits and pieces of stories from guys I know, girls I know, and information I'm fed as a female consumer, as well as information I see male consumers being fed. If some or even all of this essay matches up with a guy you know or a guy you are, then my mission in writing this has been accomplished.
Feedback is encouraged.