A lot of building stress
I know it's been a while since I last posted an entry here. I should honestly do it more often. I always have soo much going on in this head of mine... and things can build up. And stress can definitely build up pretty fast. I'd like to think I'm a calm and collected person, and I am... most of the time. Lately I've been, well, I've been sort of crazy. A lot has happened, ironic as it sounds to me now because I am still jobless, bored most of my day each day and feel utterly helpless, etc, but let's not dwell on that right now. Emotions can certainly dwell though. I've been keeping things sort of pent up without even realizing it. Of course I realize it now, especially after I've, ahem... freaked out a couple times. But things will get better. I've just got to work on it.
And surely we want everything to get better, we always do. Who doesn't? Better is always the way to go!
But back to the matter at hand. Yes, time to dump some thoughts on paper.. or rather, computer.
>>I am not self confident. This has always been a problem of mine. Sure I can pretend, but what's pretending going to do? Nothing. Nothing at all. I need to gain confidence. How do I attain it? Look in the mirror every day and say "I am awesome. I am beautiful. I am talented." Eh, no thanks. I have a wonderful boyfriend to tell me those things. lol. And it's fine for others to tell me the nice things they think of me. It can temporarily boost my confidence.
>>I've never been too passionate about any one thing, EVER. Not music, not video games, not dancing, not sports, not writing, not animals, not anything. Art is the closest thing I've got to a passion. So sure, I like all these things... but it seems I've never gone the extra mile in any one particular area. So I suppose it's safe to say I am not a natural born leader. I've always sort of been blending into the background. Not to say I'm like other people, but to say, I just never really stood out in a crowd, and was content with that. I am still somewhat content with that. The only difference now is that I want to be recognized for something in my life. I want to accomplish something notable. So blendy blendy isn't going to cut it much longer.
>>Growing up, I moved a lot. My family and I weren't moving every week or anything, but enough so that it was hard both making and keeping friends. So I've had a best friend, yes, but not a best friend forever. Nope. It wasn't until high school that any such thing was even possible. When I was 10, I stayed put. My family didn't move anymore. The only problem was, it seemed like everyone else had friends, and best friends, and no one was looking for new friends. No one was looking for me. Oh, but I found someone. Everyone does, even if it's not the first day of school. Can you guess who I became friends with? Yep, other new kids. Oh, but most of those other new kids became no one remembers them kids because they moved a lot and ended up moving away. I felt like the sole surviver of the species of "new kid." But luckily, new kids are only new kids for so long. I finally got a best friend in high school., and eventually I came to recognize the town I was living in as "Home." But the plot thickens! She moved away. BUT!-we kept in touch!
So my current friend situation: my best friend Skiba is away at college states away and I only get to see her around the holidays (xmas), but we don't talk regularly. We don't really talk at all. I think all her more close at hand friends are the ones that really matter to her. It makes me wonder if she even knows I exist anymore. I'm sure she does, but maybe doesn't miss me enough to actually text, IM, email, FB message or call. My other friends in college have time to do those things...
All of my friends are nowhere near me and don't have any way to get to me. There is public transportation, but poor college students usually don't have the funds to visit friends in different towns, or states, on a regular basis. This leaves not only me, but my friends lonely and missing each other.
The friends I feel the closest to (not in latitude/longitude, but on a personal level) are the ones I get the most interaction with and enjoy being around the most. Needless to say my true best friend is my boyfriend DJ. And he is more than a boyfriend or a best friend to me. He is everything to me. (But you can save the "awww's" because this isn't meant to go all mushy or lovey). Aside from the obvious whom I have just mentioned, my friend Holly is to me, a close friend who I try to keep in contact with and miss terribly, but will hopefully finally see after almost 2 years, this Saturday for her birthday! For a time, she was my only real friend. But I am glad to have her. She is 1 of 3 surviving friendships I made my 1 year of college. My other 2 friends from college are Ama and Amber, and although they are very different individuals, they both make great friends of mine.
I only keep in touch with a few friends from High school, and mostly, they are on and off friends (not that we stop being friends, just that we go a very long time sometimes without seeing or hearing from one another). These friends are Josie, Ashley, Rob, and yes, Skiba.
So, if my friends were closer, I'd probably be happier and more active, and more self confident and more.. myself :)
>>My sister is pregnant. My sister has anger issues. My sister's bf Anthony is a lying cheating, smoking, drinking, criminal with a record, no brains, and no life ahead of him except being a dead-beat father. My sister is hit by a car. Sister goes to hospital with clothes cut off of her, a broken arm, her head split open, and a concussion. Everyone starts playing the blame game. Dad's gf blames Mom, Dad blames weather, Mom blames everyone but herself because if she did, she wouldn't be able to handle it, Guy who hit her blames himself, I blame Karma, but everyone mutually blames Anthony for everything, always. Michelle is okay. She gets stiches and a sling, stays at the hospital a few days. We visit, Michelle goes home and her baby is fine. She's gonna have a boy. By the gods, don't name it Anthony..
>> I've been stressing about not being in college. I want to go to MassArt to major in Illustration, get a degree, and a career doing the thing I do best-Illustrate. (Bet you didn't see that one coming...) But there is soo much I don't know about how to get into school. This is where I start feeling the pressure, and thinking "I can't do this. I don't know how to get into school because I have no idea what I need to do to get there!" And yeah, I shut down a little bit, but if someone helps me figure out what I need to do, it can happen. If I don't feel so alone, maybe it won't be so scary.
Currently, this is all I know to do:
Call Admissions/Financial Aid at chosen school
Build Portfolio for school
Get proper paperwork for school
Get Financial Aid/Grants/Scholarships/loans for school
Apply to school
Go to school if I receive the funds for my education
Looks easy, right? It doesn't? Weird. Oh, that's because there are a hundred "Idk how's" in between all those steps. I see. So I can put them in a neat and organized list, but inside my head, it's still all jumbled and confusing and utterly terrifying.
>>Money. Money is always on my mind. It's always a concern. So whether or not my boyfriend tells me "we have money for ___" I do not know what he means. I hate having no money suddenly bite me in the fucking ass. I need to KNOW the DETAILS. I can't just say "okay" when I'm feeling "AHHHHHHHHHHH" <- obviously not okay. I hate stressing out about money all the time, but I can't help it, and unless I know where both my and his money are going, coming, etc at regular intervals, I will go nuts. It is one stress I would appreciate going away now and again.
>>Unorganized, visually chaotic, messy, dirty, unkempt, urgh-EVERYTHING! I cannot stand to live in filth, but I am also stubborn and do not wish to clean up after others. It was true living with my family my whole life, and it remains true now living with my boyfriend. Do I mind cleaning the counters every night? No. Do I mind taking out a bag of trash? No. Do I mind doing dishes? No. What's the problem then, you ask? Me having to do it everyday, all the time, over and over and over again. I expect a certain degree of cleanliness from people, such as: if you drop something or knock something over, pick it up. No, not later, Now. That way things don't pile up to stress me out later. Basically, if you make a mess, clean it up. Sounds simple right? And it should be. But sometimes it just isn't. And I hate asking, no, I LOATHE it. I don't want to feel like someone's mother telling them to do chores. It doesn't matter how nice I try to ask either, because somehow my tone is taken the wrong way, or I instantly stressed the person or put unwanted pressure on them and made them unhappy. What usually happens then, you ask? Oh, I stay stressed out and do it myself. I only seem to try to bring things up or talk every once in a while, and a whole quarrel breaks out over it. But I have talked with my boyfriend a few times about this sort of thing, and I will continue to ask for his help in cleaning when I would appreciate his help in doing so. I have come to learn that what is common sense to me, may not be common sense to someone else. We all learn differently, we all hold different knowledges. Cooperation and Communication are very important. And also, misunderstandings can be trying on mood and patience, seriously.
>>This is the slot where I would reiterate how I've been depressed, hate myself, my body, gained weight, etc, but I think I'll skip it and just get off my ass and exercise.
>>I need to find an outlet for my anger other than self harm or violence. I cannot be infuriated and be trapped with nothing to do about what's bothering me. Let's hope I find it before I explode. LJ may have just helped me with that, even if only a little
Thanks LJ, I'm glad I've got some of those things in my head that were driving me crazy out.
-JML
p.s. I will post happier things next time.
And surely we want everything to get better, we always do. Who doesn't? Better is always the way to go!
But back to the matter at hand. Yes, time to dump some thoughts on paper.. or rather, computer.
>>I am not self confident. This has always been a problem of mine. Sure I can pretend, but what's pretending going to do? Nothing. Nothing at all. I need to gain confidence. How do I attain it? Look in the mirror every day and say "I am awesome. I am beautiful. I am talented." Eh, no thanks. I have a wonderful boyfriend to tell me those things. lol. And it's fine for others to tell me the nice things they think of me. It can temporarily boost my confidence.
>>I've never been too passionate about any one thing, EVER. Not music, not video games, not dancing, not sports, not writing, not animals, not anything. Art is the closest thing I've got to a passion. So sure, I like all these things... but it seems I've never gone the extra mile in any one particular area. So I suppose it's safe to say I am not a natural born leader. I've always sort of been blending into the background. Not to say I'm like other people, but to say, I just never really stood out in a crowd, and was content with that. I am still somewhat content with that. The only difference now is that I want to be recognized for something in my life. I want to accomplish something notable. So blendy blendy isn't going to cut it much longer.
>>Growing up, I moved a lot. My family and I weren't moving every week or anything, but enough so that it was hard both making and keeping friends. So I've had a best friend, yes, but not a best friend forever. Nope. It wasn't until high school that any such thing was even possible. When I was 10, I stayed put. My family didn't move anymore. The only problem was, it seemed like everyone else had friends, and best friends, and no one was looking for new friends. No one was looking for me. Oh, but I found someone. Everyone does, even if it's not the first day of school. Can you guess who I became friends with? Yep, other new kids. Oh, but most of those other new kids became no one remembers them kids because they moved a lot and ended up moving away. I felt like the sole surviver of the species of "new kid." But luckily, new kids are only new kids for so long. I finally got a best friend in high school., and eventually I came to recognize the town I was living in as "Home." But the plot thickens! She moved away. BUT!-we kept in touch!
So my current friend situation: my best friend Skiba is away at college states away and I only get to see her around the holidays (xmas), but we don't talk regularly. We don't really talk at all. I think all her more close at hand friends are the ones that really matter to her. It makes me wonder if she even knows I exist anymore. I'm sure she does, but maybe doesn't miss me enough to actually text, IM, email, FB message or call. My other friends in college have time to do those things...
All of my friends are nowhere near me and don't have any way to get to me. There is public transportation, but poor college students usually don't have the funds to visit friends in different towns, or states, on a regular basis. This leaves not only me, but my friends lonely and missing each other.
The friends I feel the closest to (not in latitude/longitude, but on a personal level) are the ones I get the most interaction with and enjoy being around the most. Needless to say my true best friend is my boyfriend DJ. And he is more than a boyfriend or a best friend to me. He is everything to me. (But you can save the "awww's" because this isn't meant to go all mushy or lovey). Aside from the obvious whom I have just mentioned, my friend Holly is to me, a close friend who I try to keep in contact with and miss terribly, but will hopefully finally see after almost 2 years, this Saturday for her birthday! For a time, she was my only real friend. But I am glad to have her. She is 1 of 3 surviving friendships I made my 1 year of college. My other 2 friends from college are Ama and Amber, and although they are very different individuals, they both make great friends of mine.
I only keep in touch with a few friends from High school, and mostly, they are on and off friends (not that we stop being friends, just that we go a very long time sometimes without seeing or hearing from one another). These friends are Josie, Ashley, Rob, and yes, Skiba.
So, if my friends were closer, I'd probably be happier and more active, and more self confident and more.. myself :)
>>My sister is pregnant. My sister has anger issues. My sister's bf Anthony is a lying cheating, smoking, drinking, criminal with a record, no brains, and no life ahead of him except being a dead-beat father. My sister is hit by a car. Sister goes to hospital with clothes cut off of her, a broken arm, her head split open, and a concussion. Everyone starts playing the blame game. Dad's gf blames Mom, Dad blames weather, Mom blames everyone but herself because if she did, she wouldn't be able to handle it, Guy who hit her blames himself, I blame Karma, but everyone mutually blames Anthony for everything, always. Michelle is okay. She gets stiches and a sling, stays at the hospital a few days. We visit, Michelle goes home and her baby is fine. She's gonna have a boy. By the gods, don't name it Anthony..
>> I've been stressing about not being in college. I want to go to MassArt to major in Illustration, get a degree, and a career doing the thing I do best-Illustrate. (Bet you didn't see that one coming...) But there is soo much I don't know about how to get into school. This is where I start feeling the pressure, and thinking "I can't do this. I don't know how to get into school because I have no idea what I need to do to get there!" And yeah, I shut down a little bit, but if someone helps me figure out what I need to do, it can happen. If I don't feel so alone, maybe it won't be so scary.
Currently, this is all I know to do:
Call Admissions/Financial Aid at chosen school
Build Portfolio for school
Get proper paperwork for school
Get Financial Aid/Grants/Scholarships/loans for school
Apply to school
Go to school if I receive the funds for my education
Looks easy, right? It doesn't? Weird. Oh, that's because there are a hundred "Idk how's" in between all those steps. I see. So I can put them in a neat and organized list, but inside my head, it's still all jumbled and confusing and utterly terrifying.
>>Money. Money is always on my mind. It's always a concern. So whether or not my boyfriend tells me "we have money for ___" I do not know what he means. I hate having no money suddenly bite me in the fucking ass. I need to KNOW the DETAILS. I can't just say "okay" when I'm feeling "AHHHHHHHHHHH" <- obviously not okay. I hate stressing out about money all the time, but I can't help it, and unless I know where both my and his money are going, coming, etc at regular intervals, I will go nuts. It is one stress I would appreciate going away now and again.
>>Unorganized, visually chaotic, messy, dirty, unkempt, urgh-EVERYTHING! I cannot stand to live in filth, but I am also stubborn and do not wish to clean up after others. It was true living with my family my whole life, and it remains true now living with my boyfriend. Do I mind cleaning the counters every night? No. Do I mind taking out a bag of trash? No. Do I mind doing dishes? No. What's the problem then, you ask? Me having to do it everyday, all the time, over and over and over again. I expect a certain degree of cleanliness from people, such as: if you drop something or knock something over, pick it up. No, not later, Now. That way things don't pile up to stress me out later. Basically, if you make a mess, clean it up. Sounds simple right? And it should be. But sometimes it just isn't. And I hate asking, no, I LOATHE it. I don't want to feel like someone's mother telling them to do chores. It doesn't matter how nice I try to ask either, because somehow my tone is taken the wrong way, or I instantly stressed the person or put unwanted pressure on them and made them unhappy. What usually happens then, you ask? Oh, I stay stressed out and do it myself. I only seem to try to bring things up or talk every once in a while, and a whole quarrel breaks out over it. But I have talked with my boyfriend a few times about this sort of thing, and I will continue to ask for his help in cleaning when I would appreciate his help in doing so. I have come to learn that what is common sense to me, may not be common sense to someone else. We all learn differently, we all hold different knowledges. Cooperation and Communication are very important. And also, misunderstandings can be trying on mood and patience, seriously.
>>This is the slot where I would reiterate how I've been depressed, hate myself, my body, gained weight, etc, but I think I'll skip it and just get off my ass and exercise.
>>I need to find an outlet for my anger other than self harm or violence. I cannot be infuriated and be trapped with nothing to do about what's bothering me. Let's hope I find it before I explode. LJ may have just helped me with that, even if only a little
Thanks LJ, I'm glad I've got some of those things in my head that were driving me crazy out.
-JML
p.s. I will post happier things next time.