(no subject)
Well a lot of things have happened since I last posted, but I'm mostly just posting because I just have a whole mess of emotions right now that I don't quite know how to deal with.
First of all, my grandma died on New Year's Day. When I found out my mom's mother had died, I cried instantly. I was walking to church because my parents were at the hospital with her, which they told me in a note, but didn't disclose everything. Just as I was about to get there, my dad pulled up right beside me, parked, and told me that grandma had died. I just started sobbing without realizing that I could ever be that sad. I went down to sunday school and apparently I looked sad because someone told Jessica to go look for her dad, and take me with, but he whispered something in her ear. As soon as we got out of the room, I started crying again like before. We went outside, and I told her what had happened, and she assumed it was my dad's mom, but I informed her that it was my other grandma, the one who had cancer. You may think that knowing she had cancer must have made me less shocked, but it didn't seem to work out that way. I never expected it to happen that day. My granddad died shortly after that, and they had a joint memorial service.
So when grandma Royce died, I felt guilty for not having that violent reaction. I heard my dad on the phone the night before talking about a memorial service, so I knew it was just a matter of days. So perhaps I was just less surprised. Tianna and Lizzie were at my house, because they slept over, I imagine it was awkward for them, but they left soon after. My mom and I went out to the nursing home where she had lived the past couple of years, except for her recent stint in the hospital. I decided that I would go out there because even though she had already died, I always regret not making someone take me out to see my granddad after my grandma died. I figured I would probably feel the same about this. I still hadn't cried yet, but when we were in the car, I started to feel sad, and then one of my favorite songs came on the radio, and I just started sobbing into my hands. I couldn't contain it, so I let it all loose. I keep my composure mostly the rest of the car ride, but cried again several times when I got there and saw her body, and her room, and all the pictures she had of her whole family. My brother asked me "when was the last time you saw her? Her birthday party?" but I just started crying, because I hadn't seen her since the summer when she was in the hospital. I realized that with the exception of my cousin Alison who lives in Hawaii, I was the cousin who saw her the least recently. I think I cried mostly because I felt guilty. After that I figured I was done crying.
This morning, after I'd had a really nice sleepover with Tianna, Jessica, Lizzie, Jane, and Mari, and I was feeling fine, and not sad really at all. Someone mentioned something about how I was probably not going to have a productive day, and I said "well, I'm going to Kinko's..." and Mari and Jane both laughed and asked why, and I said, I was going with my aunt. And they asked why, and I said, to blow up some pictures. And they asked of what, and I said of my grandma. All the while they are clearly making fun of me, and don't think any thing's wrong, and so they asked why, and I said it was because she just died, which they didn't know. I don't know what kind of person laughs when someone tells them that, but at least Mari did. I can't tell if Jane did, and then I just sobbed uncontrollably into my lap again. I think it made them feel bad because they didn't realize, but I still think that that's the shittiest reaction to that kind of news. I felt really awkward, because I hadn't talked about it with anyone really, unless they were just saying that they were really sorry, and even then it was kind of hard to keep my composure. I don't know what's going on right now, but I've just been highly emotional this past week.
Last tuesday, I got epically drunk, and even though I was saying a lot of things (a lot of which, I don't remember, and am told I would probably be embarrassed by) that were really hilarious or annoying, at one point I mentioned that my grandma was going to die soon, and how I wasn't okay with it, and I just started crying. And then I started talking about how every time I think about my grandparents funeral, I feel sad, and I always felt bad for my cousin Max, because he didn't understand. I talked for awhile about some other deep stuff, and tianna let me cry to her, but I just don't understand all of the crying lately.
Another thing that's completely unrelated to any of that is the fact that I can't get a boy out of my head. I'm not going to mention who it is, because it's the same person it always is, and I know it's getting annoying by now that I'm extremely passive about this crush towards him. And this crush? Doesn't make any sense. We haven't really been friends for a couple of years. Yes, we're still friends, but we don't talk like we used to. We would always joke around a lot, but I felt like I always got good conversations out of him. I hardly ever see him anymore, because he hardly ever comes home. Until Christmas the last time I had seen him was this summer in New Orleans. Maybe I just really miss having him as a friend, because as I said, he's hilarious, and I really think he was a great friend to have, but even still, I don't think he values our friendship nearly as much as I do, if at all. I would be lying if I said I thought that he valued it all, really. So this guy who I hardly ever see, hardly ever talk to, doesn't feel the same way about me at all, why on earth is he the person I'm hung up on? I'll never know. I don't know why I had to pick him. He's so much more evolved from the person he was when I was friends with him. I'm sure he has a ton of pretty girl friends, and for some reason girls always seem to like him, so I get jealous for no reason. He's not mine. I don't have the right to be jealous. I guess I don't want to tell him any of this, because he'd probably feel guilty for not reciprocating my feelings, which has happened before. Or maybe even he wouldn't, I don't know which would be worse. And since that has happened before, I don't want to be embarrassed again by that. I just need somewhere to write out how I feel about it, and not get interrupted, and not feel guilty about saying the same thing for the thousandth time, because apparently I can't fool anyone any more when I say I don't like him, because I'm that transparent.
Doesn't help that Stout has shit for cute boys.
First of all, my grandma died on New Year's Day. When I found out my mom's mother had died, I cried instantly. I was walking to church because my parents were at the hospital with her, which they told me in a note, but didn't disclose everything. Just as I was about to get there, my dad pulled up right beside me, parked, and told me that grandma had died. I just started sobbing without realizing that I could ever be that sad. I went down to sunday school and apparently I looked sad because someone told Jessica to go look for her dad, and take me with, but he whispered something in her ear. As soon as we got out of the room, I started crying again like before. We went outside, and I told her what had happened, and she assumed it was my dad's mom, but I informed her that it was my other grandma, the one who had cancer. You may think that knowing she had cancer must have made me less shocked, but it didn't seem to work out that way. I never expected it to happen that day. My granddad died shortly after that, and they had a joint memorial service.
So when grandma Royce died, I felt guilty for not having that violent reaction. I heard my dad on the phone the night before talking about a memorial service, so I knew it was just a matter of days. So perhaps I was just less surprised. Tianna and Lizzie were at my house, because they slept over, I imagine it was awkward for them, but they left soon after. My mom and I went out to the nursing home where she had lived the past couple of years, except for her recent stint in the hospital. I decided that I would go out there because even though she had already died, I always regret not making someone take me out to see my granddad after my grandma died. I figured I would probably feel the same about this. I still hadn't cried yet, but when we were in the car, I started to feel sad, and then one of my favorite songs came on the radio, and I just started sobbing into my hands. I couldn't contain it, so I let it all loose. I keep my composure mostly the rest of the car ride, but cried again several times when I got there and saw her body, and her room, and all the pictures she had of her whole family. My brother asked me "when was the last time you saw her? Her birthday party?" but I just started crying, because I hadn't seen her since the summer when she was in the hospital. I realized that with the exception of my cousin Alison who lives in Hawaii, I was the cousin who saw her the least recently. I think I cried mostly because I felt guilty. After that I figured I was done crying.
This morning, after I'd had a really nice sleepover with Tianna, Jessica, Lizzie, Jane, and Mari, and I was feeling fine, and not sad really at all. Someone mentioned something about how I was probably not going to have a productive day, and I said "well, I'm going to Kinko's..." and Mari and Jane both laughed and asked why, and I said, I was going with my aunt. And they asked why, and I said, to blow up some pictures. And they asked of what, and I said of my grandma. All the while they are clearly making fun of me, and don't think any thing's wrong, and so they asked why, and I said it was because she just died, which they didn't know. I don't know what kind of person laughs when someone tells them that, but at least Mari did. I can't tell if Jane did, and then I just sobbed uncontrollably into my lap again. I think it made them feel bad because they didn't realize, but I still think that that's the shittiest reaction to that kind of news. I felt really awkward, because I hadn't talked about it with anyone really, unless they were just saying that they were really sorry, and even then it was kind of hard to keep my composure. I don't know what's going on right now, but I've just been highly emotional this past week.
Last tuesday, I got epically drunk, and even though I was saying a lot of things (a lot of which, I don't remember, and am told I would probably be embarrassed by) that were really hilarious or annoying, at one point I mentioned that my grandma was going to die soon, and how I wasn't okay with it, and I just started crying. And then I started talking about how every time I think about my grandparents funeral, I feel sad, and I always felt bad for my cousin Max, because he didn't understand. I talked for awhile about some other deep stuff, and tianna let me cry to her, but I just don't understand all of the crying lately.
Another thing that's completely unrelated to any of that is the fact that I can't get a boy out of my head. I'm not going to mention who it is, because it's the same person it always is, and I know it's getting annoying by now that I'm extremely passive about this crush towards him. And this crush? Doesn't make any sense. We haven't really been friends for a couple of years. Yes, we're still friends, but we don't talk like we used to. We would always joke around a lot, but I felt like I always got good conversations out of him. I hardly ever see him anymore, because he hardly ever comes home. Until Christmas the last time I had seen him was this summer in New Orleans. Maybe I just really miss having him as a friend, because as I said, he's hilarious, and I really think he was a great friend to have, but even still, I don't think he values our friendship nearly as much as I do, if at all. I would be lying if I said I thought that he valued it all, really. So this guy who I hardly ever see, hardly ever talk to, doesn't feel the same way about me at all, why on earth is he the person I'm hung up on? I'll never know. I don't know why I had to pick him. He's so much more evolved from the person he was when I was friends with him. I'm sure he has a ton of pretty girl friends, and for some reason girls always seem to like him, so I get jealous for no reason. He's not mine. I don't have the right to be jealous. I guess I don't want to tell him any of this, because he'd probably feel guilty for not reciprocating my feelings, which has happened before. Or maybe even he wouldn't, I don't know which would be worse. And since that has happened before, I don't want to be embarrassed again by that. I just need somewhere to write out how I feel about it, and not get interrupted, and not feel guilty about saying the same thing for the thousandth time, because apparently I can't fool anyone any more when I say I don't like him, because I'm that transparent.
Doesn't help that Stout has shit for cute boys.