(no subject)
I keep going back and forth between having feelings of euphoria, and feelings of apathy. Towards life in general, to be specific. It's mostly when I think of college- I have one of two feelings: I'm either a.) really excited and can't wait, and just really want to get going with that part of my life, or b.) incredibly nervous, and scared, that this is my last year of high school, and can no longer hide behind other people, and finally have to be my own person. Contributing to the latter, is when I look at colleges, I feel so inadequate. I seem to keep thinking, "well, what if I don't get in? That's a huge problem, isn't it?" Although, other times I feel really confident that I could get in to all the schools I apply to. I was looking at Wisc. River Falls' website last night and my dad came in and asked me why I was looking at River Falls, and I said "Safety." That was the first time I considered that I will definitely need a safety school, and suddenly got terrified of the prospect of not getting into Eau Claire.
I also don't really like my personality right now. I've become really competetive and defensive lately, and even though I hate to blame other people for my ugly personality, I will say also that I do not respond well to being provoked. Let's just say there's a certain (supposed) best friend who has been giving me a whole lot of crap lately that has pushed me to my boiling point, and I really can't take a whole lot more. I suggest also that she alter her attitude, and stop being so cocky.
But I've also been really self concious. Not physically, (although, let's not say that I'm totally confident there either,) but just in general. I feel like my friends suddenly aren't interested in anything I have to say, and would much rather talk to other people, and have realized that I'm either really boring, or kind of annoying. I feel totally inadequate to the people surrounding me, and have no idea how to overcome it. I don't ever want to be better than everyone else, because I feel like I would have a hard time keeping a level head- I've seen this happen to other people, and I think it's possibly the ugliest thing ever- but to at least feel like I'm being measured on the same scale as other people. One such person in my life always makes me feel a lot worse about myself when I'm in her presence. I can always tell that she feels bored when she's with only me, and has a habit of putting many many people before her best friend. And let's be honest, who likes when that happens?
There's only one friend that I feel I can always always be myself around, and I love her a lot, and she's an amazing friend, so I'm really glad that I can just be with her a lot, and that's when I've been feeling my happiest these days. I also have been seeing a lot more of a good friend of mine this year so far, and I'm really excited, because if we just did more stuff together, we would definitely be best friends. So those are some people who are keeping my afloat right now. I also am somewhat excited about newspaper is shaping up so far this year. I'm not really that wild about the fact that I will have to work with some specific people on the editorial staff, but hopefully, I won't keep feeling like the least important editor.
Oh, so therapeutic.
I also don't really like my personality right now. I've become really competetive and defensive lately, and even though I hate to blame other people for my ugly personality, I will say also that I do not respond well to being provoked. Let's just say there's a certain (supposed) best friend who has been giving me a whole lot of crap lately that has pushed me to my boiling point, and I really can't take a whole lot more. I suggest also that she alter her attitude, and stop being so cocky.
But I've also been really self concious. Not physically, (although, let's not say that I'm totally confident there either,) but just in general. I feel like my friends suddenly aren't interested in anything I have to say, and would much rather talk to other people, and have realized that I'm either really boring, or kind of annoying. I feel totally inadequate to the people surrounding me, and have no idea how to overcome it. I don't ever want to be better than everyone else, because I feel like I would have a hard time keeping a level head- I've seen this happen to other people, and I think it's possibly the ugliest thing ever- but to at least feel like I'm being measured on the same scale as other people. One such person in my life always makes me feel a lot worse about myself when I'm in her presence. I can always tell that she feels bored when she's with only me, and has a habit of putting many many people before her best friend. And let's be honest, who likes when that happens?
There's only one friend that I feel I can always always be myself around, and I love her a lot, and she's an amazing friend, so I'm really glad that I can just be with her a lot, and that's when I've been feeling my happiest these days. I also have been seeing a lot more of a good friend of mine this year so far, and I'm really excited, because if we just did more stuff together, we would definitely be best friends. So those are some people who are keeping my afloat right now. I also am somewhat excited about newspaper is shaping up so far this year. I'm not really that wild about the fact that I will have to work with some specific people on the editorial staff, but hopefully, I won't keep feeling like the least important editor.
Oh, so therapeutic.