One year later.
May 2011
May 2012
I'm a senior now. Even though it may not be obvious, my appearance somehow seems different. Not how I look, but how I am.
End of sophomore year, I was still a child and was living inside the college bubble, as happy as can be.
End of junior year, I'm scared that my lack of realistic visions of my world for the past three years has caused me problems for the future. It's concerning...
If I decide to confront the realistic world, the pressure and constant stress of living up to its standards will eventually crush me, at some point in the year. If I don't, I will be happy living out my last year in college, but happy at a cost. The cost of not preparing well enough for my future. It's scary and I only hope I can acquire enough strength to face it. Then again, I can't be the only one who has played through college, living in our fantasy world where money is endless, alcohol flows freely, and our friends are all around us, always.
Today I just realized I might have just seen a couple of my senior friends for the last time. The reality of it shocked me when they gave me one last final hug. I've gotten used to spending my college life with these people, I can't imagine adjusting to their absence. I can't believe they'll be gone and I can't believe it is time for me to take their place. I am overwhelmed by the rapid passing of time, just completely baffled. I don't feel like the teenager I used to be, but I also feel like it was just a short while ago that I would have immature fights on the internet. And it was just a short while ago when I made the horrific choice of cutting my hair so short I looked like a boy. And just a short while ago that I shed tears over my first bad college grade because I cared. All my mistakes, all my bad life choices. There is nothing to regret except that time made me learn too quickly, made me grow up too fast, made me see clearly past the fog of delusions put upon us by the comfortable college life.
Sometimes I refuse to acknowledge the world outside because denial of everything in reality has made it unbearable to to even think about it. As far as I'm concerned, my childhood isn't over; college is the 20-year old's version of a fairytale land where everything is wonderful, nothing is bad, and happy endings are in abundance. My childhood will not be over until one year later...but I'll get to it.
Right now, I just want to let myself be happy a little while longer.