"PARANOID FATHERS"
i dont understand it, i just dont understand it. you tell me, what can be risky about going to the movies one last time with my frnds b4 i leave Ontario for ever??? other than the normal threats... about normal movies... i have been to movies b4 he never brought this one up...
i really really dont understand it... i mean what is this an opportunity not to let me go to the movies?
at first i thought he was joking, so i ignored him, playing the normal routine of being annoyin... but then he was serious: you are not going to the movies. it is such a bizzare idea that i cant even remember the words he used to articulate it.
there i was, innocent me, taking pride in the freedom my parents have given me.. it was just my nature that kept me at home, not them... maybe before but not this year. and that was because of my ma... she sided with me. but i am not to have that today, she simple said i donno... ask your dad.
why am i deprived of seeing my frnds for the last time, isnt it clear that i might regret this for the rest of my life... that this might have a lasting impact on me.. that my fathers paranoia might cause me to break open this shell by force and do something extreme... or is it obvious that i am too much of a coward to do anything like that...
is that it... am i being taken for granted? because i dont understand the reasoning behind this... i dont believe i am above the rest of the human race that goes to movies to see friends. and i dont believe that i am that precious that i must be kept hidden from the reality of the world, even the pleasures of it... yet there he is always telling me i have to go out there ... BS
wat risk, someone help me to understand... why is my father under the constant assumption that people are out there to get me?? is that true, am i just being foolish to ignore that... i dont understand, for me not to understand is bad... i dont like it. i hate making it look like my father is wrong... but isnt he I MEAN COME ON!
i know i'll regret this for ever, not just because i am not seeing you guys but also because this is a major thing that i am being deprived of, it will hurt my pride... i believed myself to be a girl who will not ever be stopped from doing wat she wants... i dint realize that the resistance is right here in my family... is this a "welcome to the real world: you cannot do everything" lesson...? but i dont think i can handle that... i cannot handle being pressured.. i wasnt brought up that way..
ironic isnt it... i am forced to consider the probability of an actual risk in my going out tonight just because my mom refused to see that my dad is being absurd... she usually does see, she is the one who has never let me be pressured by my father into not doing things...
i dont understand it.
i know i'll regret it but its too late to do anything, most of you arnt even home... i just dont have it in me to fight my parents for something this minor... yet is it minor? or maybe i M just a coward, a passive coward... NO! i m not... but i still cant do anything.. i cant CALL coz they're expecting an important phone call... he said i can use the phone after 5ish... which is reaonable i suppose...
OMG i am a coward... why am i so understandin? why cant i hurt their feelings and not feel bad about it... i am on the brink of tears right now, as i hear my brother and my mom laughing and chatting upstairs... and it hurts that they dont understand... why? i would understand if i was in her place... it IS the last time i can see my frnds after all... and dint my mom go on and on about how frnds in highschool are the ones you dont forget??? BS... was it all BS?
i know i am being repetitive but i dont understand...
and i hate myself for what i am going to do... i am going to sulk and then after a day.. maybe today itself i will forget about it... coz i cant hold a grudge...
my ego tells me to yell and scream and get outta the house, but i wont do that... coz that will spoil my 15 ish or so days to come, because them three folks is all i am going to be able to see... in the plane, in a motel, and in an apartment we'll probably rent... then when i will have a bad 1st day of school... i am gonna miss you guyz and cry because i wasnt allowed to see you for the last time...
or maybe i would have forgotten everything by then, because thats how i am, i forget and forgive... even against my current wishes.
i feel weak and helpless... and i overreacting to this?