Long time, no rant
Well, it's been a while since I wrote anything in here. To be honest, I forgot that I had this thing. A lot of shit has been going on. It's almost too much to deal with. Clay left on December 10th. He went to Seattle to get his car. He's coming back. I just don't know when. Him and I talk all the time. It's not a matter of communication. It's a matter of him not being here when I need him the most. I've went though some really tough shit this past 2 weeks, and I really needed him to help me get through it. Not that there arent other people that I can count on, because there are, but Clay is the one that I need during all this bullshit that I call my life. My life. HA. What a joke. I don't even feel like I'm alive anymore. I feel like I'm floating outside of myself, watching myself do all these things, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I know that I may be making a bad choice, but I do it anyways. When am I going to learn that everything comes with a cost? Here I sit, 2am, Thursday morning, and I'm a wreck. I'm anorexic, I'm lonely and I don't know when the man I love is coming home. I cry myself to sleep every night. Some days, I wish that I were never born. Then I wouldn't be feeling this pain that I'm feeling. I wouldn't feel like slicing open my body with razors just to know that I'm alive. I watch my cat sometimes and I'm amazed at how easy life is for her. In the morning, she wakes me with a meow, and follows me downstairs where she gets fresh food and water, then she goes back upstairs and sleeps in my bed for 5-6 hours. Then she comes back downstairs, goes to the bathroom, and goes back to bed. I wish my life was that simple. Instead, I have to worry about everything. Will I pass all my classes? Is Clay going to come home to me? Do I have enough money to pay my rent? Do I look fat in this outfit? Am I really as beautiful/sexy/hot/pretty/gorgeous/cute as all the guys who pass me seem to think? Does Clay love me? Did I make the right choice in aborting my baby girl? Will I be able to have children again? Am I living the right life for me? I just pray that Clay comes home soon. Because if he doesn't, I'm in for more pain and more trouble than I'll ever be ready for, especially now, when everything is being thrown at me all at once. So, in the words of my favorite song, Clay, "please, come home soon."