near death experience
I never realized a panic attack could be a near death experience, or at least feel like one. I never thought I would feel so close to death just driving in the car on the way to dinner, happy and content, if a little hungry. I never knew I could have the worst experience of my life in 15 minutes of seemingly-normal time. I never knew that something like this could start happening to me without the person sitting 2 feet away from me even knowing. I didn't know I could be so close to death and survive. Sitting in the car, driving to dinner, music on, the love of my life 2 feet away, no violence whatsoever going on anywhere near us... And yet, this was the worst feeling in the world, the worst moment of my life. This was worse than rape or being robbed or getting the shit beat out of me, worse than dropping the motorcycle or suicidal depression or having my heart broken or falling out of a tree. This was worse than all of those things, combined. MUCH worse. I thought I was being taken against my will, and I could barely say a word because I was screaming in my head "NO NO NO! I'M NOT READY!"
First I was just out of it, but that was to be expected. I just said my usual stoned-ass prayer when I got in the car, and made sure Jordan was prepared for "a little babysitting" as per our usual ritual. In the car, I can't remember if we talked or anything. I remember checking facebook on my phone, seeing Matt's post suggesting today was a day to be thankful for everyone in your life, because of the UT shooting. I remember feel euphoric and thankful thinking about that, and contemplating telling Matt I was sorry for joking that he was gay. Then I began to feel carsick, so I put my phone away. I told Jordan, and recalled that my phone had never made me carsick before, which was strange. After about 5 minutes of driving we're on Mopac about to exit for 183 when my lips go numb. Really numb, really suddenly. Worse than with Ora-jel or cocaine, it was like at the dentist office, only it happened in about 1 second. I told Jordan and he thought that was strange. Then I start to fee tingly all over, and then this pressure starts to build up in my head really quickly, at first like a bad sinus cold. As the pressure increased I started to get really, really paranoid, which only increased with the pressure feeling. Once the feeling had overwhelmed my entire head and body I felt like I hadn't been breathing and took a breath. The past 2 minutes I had contemplated saying something, but all I could manage at this point was asking Jordan to slow down. I must not have sounded too weird because he didn't really take me seriously at first. "I'm only going 60." I said, "I know but... the flyover... it feels really fast..." *breath* "Please....." We get onto 183 and I am full on freaking out. All at once all these thoughts rush through my head 10,000 times... I'm having a seizure, I'm having a stroke, this feels like death because it IS death, I'm dying, I can't breathe unless I think about it, but I can barely think about it with all this pressure, oh my god I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I can't breathe, I'm having a stroke, this is what it feels like, of course that's why I just went numb, oh my god I'm going to die, I'm dying." Through all those thoughts, I managed to say "Oh my god" out loud, and Jordan finally noticed. He looked at my slowly, and asked, "Baby, are you okay?" I practically shouted "NO!" but it came out more like a sob. Then I got tears in my eyes, but they wouldn't fall because my eyes were so wide open. The pressure in my head was so great that I put my hands on my head, trying to see if I could physically feel the difference. I couldn't help but tug on my hair and rub my face, trying to relieve the pressure any way I could. I put my hands over my ears, then just held my head like I was going crazy. At that point Jordan could really tell I wasn't okay. He asked what was going on, and remarkably I could speak. I said, "I feel like I'm forgetting to breathe. I think I'm going to die. I'm so scared. I'm having a stroke! It just won't stop. Oh, god." He said, "Do you want me to pull over?" "YES." I practically shouted, the more "oh god"s. We finally made it into a parking lot and I felt like my heart was going to explode. Jordan said, "Are you having a panic attack?" I almost BURST with relief because I knew that instant that that's what was happening, and I was likely not having a stroke, or if I was, it was because of the panic attack, and not vice versa. I started to get a little relief from the pressure in my head, but I still had waves of severe paranoia of death. In the silence of the car turned off, I started to get waves of sound and light crashing over me, so I put on the radio to help drown it out. I realized that when I had something to concentrate on and occupy my thoughts that I had a little relief, so I found I good station with wordy music and tried to focus on what the words to the song were. Then suddenly my mouth went so dry than I thought if I swallowed that my throat would stick together and never open again. I told Jordan I needed some water and he drove to a gas station. Driving definitely made everything worse, but we got there pretty quickly and I still can't believe how fast he bought a bottle of water and got back to the car. I barely had time to change the radio station again and lock his door so that the devil walking on the street wouldn't murder me while he was gone. Once I had some water I felt a little better, but then I started babling about what was going on to Jordan. He kept driving to the restaurant and let me vent. I drank some more water and once we got there I was feeling like i just might be able to hold my shit together, barely. I was a little too talkative, but otherwise made it through dinner okay. I still had waves of fear crashing over me, but my hearing was somehow heightened and I just focused on the conversations around me and taking lots of small bites of food to keep me occupied. Looking back, I really don't know how I did it, considering the ride home was hell once again, and I could barely walk from the car to the front door. I also made Jordan stop to get me a milkshake, which helped a little. I didn't feel right again until I woke up this morning, though.
When I woke up, I felt like i had survived something huge, like falling off a mountain or a terrible car accident. I feel thankful to be alive, and like I've been given a 2nd chance.
First I was just out of it, but that was to be expected. I just said my usual stoned-ass prayer when I got in the car, and made sure Jordan was prepared for "a little babysitting" as per our usual ritual. In the car, I can't remember if we talked or anything. I remember checking facebook on my phone, seeing Matt's post suggesting today was a day to be thankful for everyone in your life, because of the UT shooting. I remember feel euphoric and thankful thinking about that, and contemplating telling Matt I was sorry for joking that he was gay. Then I began to feel carsick, so I put my phone away. I told Jordan, and recalled that my phone had never made me carsick before, which was strange. After about 5 minutes of driving we're on Mopac about to exit for 183 when my lips go numb. Really numb, really suddenly. Worse than with Ora-jel or cocaine, it was like at the dentist office, only it happened in about 1 second. I told Jordan and he thought that was strange. Then I start to fee tingly all over, and then this pressure starts to build up in my head really quickly, at first like a bad sinus cold. As the pressure increased I started to get really, really paranoid, which only increased with the pressure feeling. Once the feeling had overwhelmed my entire head and body I felt like I hadn't been breathing and took a breath. The past 2 minutes I had contemplated saying something, but all I could manage at this point was asking Jordan to slow down. I must not have sounded too weird because he didn't really take me seriously at first. "I'm only going 60." I said, "I know but... the flyover... it feels really fast..." *breath* "Please....." We get onto 183 and I am full on freaking out. All at once all these thoughts rush through my head 10,000 times... I'm having a seizure, I'm having a stroke, this feels like death because it IS death, I'm dying, I can't breathe unless I think about it, but I can barely think about it with all this pressure, oh my god I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I can't breathe, I'm having a stroke, this is what it feels like, of course that's why I just went numb, oh my god I'm going to die, I'm dying." Through all those thoughts, I managed to say "Oh my god" out loud, and Jordan finally noticed. He looked at my slowly, and asked, "Baby, are you okay?" I practically shouted "NO!" but it came out more like a sob. Then I got tears in my eyes, but they wouldn't fall because my eyes were so wide open. The pressure in my head was so great that I put my hands on my head, trying to see if I could physically feel the difference. I couldn't help but tug on my hair and rub my face, trying to relieve the pressure any way I could. I put my hands over my ears, then just held my head like I was going crazy. At that point Jordan could really tell I wasn't okay. He asked what was going on, and remarkably I could speak. I said, "I feel like I'm forgetting to breathe. I think I'm going to die. I'm so scared. I'm having a stroke! It just won't stop. Oh, god." He said, "Do you want me to pull over?" "YES." I practically shouted, the more "oh god"s. We finally made it into a parking lot and I felt like my heart was going to explode. Jordan said, "Are you having a panic attack?" I almost BURST with relief because I knew that instant that that's what was happening, and I was likely not having a stroke, or if I was, it was because of the panic attack, and not vice versa. I started to get a little relief from the pressure in my head, but I still had waves of severe paranoia of death. In the silence of the car turned off, I started to get waves of sound and light crashing over me, so I put on the radio to help drown it out. I realized that when I had something to concentrate on and occupy my thoughts that I had a little relief, so I found I good station with wordy music and tried to focus on what the words to the song were. Then suddenly my mouth went so dry than I thought if I swallowed that my throat would stick together and never open again. I told Jordan I needed some water and he drove to a gas station. Driving definitely made everything worse, but we got there pretty quickly and I still can't believe how fast he bought a bottle of water and got back to the car. I barely had time to change the radio station again and lock his door so that the devil walking on the street wouldn't murder me while he was gone. Once I had some water I felt a little better, but then I started babling about what was going on to Jordan. He kept driving to the restaurant and let me vent. I drank some more water and once we got there I was feeling like i just might be able to hold my shit together, barely. I was a little too talkative, but otherwise made it through dinner okay. I still had waves of fear crashing over me, but my hearing was somehow heightened and I just focused on the conversations around me and taking lots of small bites of food to keep me occupied. Looking back, I really don't know how I did it, considering the ride home was hell once again, and I could barely walk from the car to the front door. I also made Jordan stop to get me a milkshake, which helped a little. I didn't feel right again until I woke up this morning, though.
When I woke up, I felt like i had survived something huge, like falling off a mountain or a terrible car accident. I feel thankful to be alive, and like I've been given a 2nd chance.