faith, ...why have you forsaken me

[judy_o_green]

so journal,

do you want to listen?

i'll go:

i'm x

and i've been so overwhelmed by everything lately
i hope my friendships haven't been suffering too much

my family sure doesn't hear from me
i don't know what to say

my friends that rely on the phone to get ahold of me...
i'm having difficulty returning their calls

i don't have updates
i don't know what they want to hear

and then i have to face the extraction part of the phonecall where i'm just done.
i have nothin' left
and still apparently i'm wanted on the line.
i'm thinking its that human connection

oh friends,
please, i'm just having a hard time
let me come back to you soon.

i hate the word pressure
but its what is really impacting my life terribly
all this budgeting of my time really turns into nothing
and so, nothing, gets done

i'm getting stuck over the silliest details
and i'm embarrassed

i talk about all of you all the time
definitely, too much

even when i don't have contact, you are always in my thoughts
i associate everything back to the connections i have with all of you
but i'm still writing letters

write back

it ...its really great when you do

without going too much into the school-shit
its hard
again, time budgeting
and then all this reading
and all these people who go to class with me have jobs
i don't
i don't want one of course
but i'm really ... sigh

will i really be able to learn all this stuff?
will i actually be able to move from the apartment into my own place soon?

what then will become of me?
i'm afraid that ...maybe it will be really bad

i don't know how to unravel all this mess i put myself in

i try to stay out of the drama that keeps unfolding around me
that is usually pretty cool
everyone keeps me out of it

all i have to convey is feeling
and that is a difficult translation

i've been feeling jealous lately

jealousy
oh, it is so awfully ugly
i don't want it to manifest out loud

i can't shut up
but i'm still able to keep it inside
because it isn't fair
and more of it is not well-founded
but i am being eaten up inside

sex

no
that is not a topic

my heart

no
that is not one either

i sleep so much
i would be happy to just sleep
let all this pass me by

i don't know what i want to do about the summer courses i might be taking

maybe just one
and then some stuff through the brookline community ed. place
those are interesting

the new england institute of art might also be a good place for me to take a few bullshit classes and ace them. that way i'll buoy my transcript.
i can't believe its B's that I'm aiming for

I've been exchanging emails with one of my instructors/nearly-profs and she just has this way of writing that i think i'm only trying to emulate
my language is carried above and around and eventually i try to obscure the point i am making.
even here. how can i be direct when i have so much i wanna hide?

i don't want drama on here.

clearly.

well, i think its pretty clear.

i'm all this ickky kind of conflicted
and i've become this clingy mess because it seems to be a way i understand.
it is not a healthy way to conduct myself.

i have pets
i miss them

a lot
i've started collecting milktops
they used to like playing with them.
i hope they still do
i want them back
but i don't have the ability to take them back yet

my life is this blurb
this kind of reading between the lines
and that is the only way i seem to be able to write with any satisfaction

i'm embarrassed by the fact,
that i think i'll have to go to the writing center in order to create a good paper

why can't i wake up?

why am i mired like this.

i'm not good enough
and yet, i'm the best person i know.

stupid.

i am comfortable feeling a little hell burning inside.
it give me something tangible to latch onto.
i don't know who i am
i know some of the whats

who am i?
why don't other people care about this in themselves?
it hurts me that there are so many people not like me

that is supposed to be one of the wonderful things about the world

but i find more and more i am just scared
i have to be
my experiences are silly

i am jealous of everything you do that i don't
i have this safe little life
it hurts me to think about it

like, how can i accomplish anything worthwhile?

i hate money
i love having it
i don't have any

i don't want to exist the way i am
but i believe i've done well carving out the niche
but its all deliberate
and i don't
sigh
i don't know anything real

more and more people don't want to talk about this stuff

i find i am getting bossier
and that shames me

i don't know anything
just everything

but that is stupid
i have worry
and that makes me want to save people from themselves

all that time alone

all that time alone
taught me to think out a lot of stuff
apparently its in ways other people don't

not that i am entirely a consequentialist
but i am afraid of their hurting themselves

we are supposed to hurt ourselves
we are supposed to dig our own graves

we are not supposed to do anything

dear journal,

its inside that is so bad

i feel sick with weight
i want to fast
but i get hungry

i have ideas
i discover some truth
and then i decide its opposite is also true
i'm getting tied up by the relativism of everything

and i believe in that ism
where it concerns myself
where is concerns understands of the world

silly scientists
you are just as bad as those oracles

you build projections and belief upon a system that you believe to be true

and it is true
but then, it isn't
because it can't be

because the truth seems to be that both everything and nothing are simultaneously true
and false
incorrections and paradigms that will come up

and
i'm afraid of americans

i'm afraid of people who will do me harm because they don't know me
because their drive is insanity
or drug-related
or they derive pleasure from the screams of a young girl

i ...

mean people
i want to be mean

but i've seen them
those little horrors of children in action my whole life
the kids raised by neglect
and stupidity

the family unit, though i don't care much about it, seems to be important to raising good caring people.
people who don't hurt animals
people who don't want to make little girls cry.

why do they get to get away with it?
fuck Thoreau.

my fist should be where the fucking argument ends
i want to teach them all lessons with evisceration

i want to shock and maim

no wonder i am so good
no wonder i am so miserable

i keep it all inside

no wonder i am so confused

take me away
i am hurt

i can't even be sure that i think or feel these things.
there is nothing that proves it.
maybe they are just the ideas i came up with upon how i wish to be

i am created

so i am nothing

i can be deconstructed into all these parts of behavior
all these explanations can explain me away like a dandelion weed
if only my depressions were so easily spread

i should have been a doctor
i should have learned that compassion is nothing when one can accomplish
picking apart the human body
leaving the rest to the rest
to their crying families
to their silly sad-for-themselves psyche

who is anyone to want to know me?

i don't really remember anymore

i don't take for granted
i take them, my friends, as granted

i love them
i love you

or at least i do what i think that means

dear journal.

this isn't supposed to solve anything

there is no you
there is only me
(wink)

but still
i can't find me either

i just see you on the monitor

i'm losing my faith

i follow the signs
no, they reaffirm my belief
but faith

faith

i'm going to think on that.