If anyone's going to be online tonight...
I could really use to talk to people. Even if it's just for five minutes. Cause I'm quite distressed. I think I've calmed down enough to write it down now. But I can just start crying again. So write this down, and take a shower so I can try to relax and soothe my muscles.
I suppose I've talked about my Dad before. I remember a post about hating him about a year and a half ago. Well, I'm not that far from that feeling again. He and I are both stubborn. And have a tendency to speak before thinking. But I have gotten better about it. Just not today. But let's start at the beginning, shall we?
This morning I was ready to go to work, when I noticed a huge scrape on my car. It covers most of the left side. Huge and white. At first I was just shocked, then angry. As I was riding to work, I turned the radio on loud so it would drown out my thoughts until I was rational again. It's just a car, after all. Somebody must have used a knife or keys on it. The paint on that line is all gone and it stops just under my mirror. As the left side was facing the public road, it was easy to do in the cover of night. I parked my car last night after work, and nothing was wrong then. It just can't be from a car of cyclist, since there is no damage done to the mirror or any other part of my car. Just that scrape.
I talked about it at work, to gather other ideas. Maybe I was just wrong or had been daydreaming... but no, the scrape was still there in the afternoon. If I get it officially fixed, it's going to cost me a fortune. Even if my insurance company will pay - which they should, no matter what - I will have to start paying more my insurance. So it is going to cost me. Just to be sure, I've reported it to the police now. The things you can do online these days...
As I had to fill my gas tank, I figured I could quickly drop by my parents and let them know/show them. I was lucky, my brother was still at work. He thinks he can fix it relatively easy. I'm hoping he can, but just to be sure, I will go see an expert in the next few days. I don't want to be responsible if his very good intended help will only ruin things more.
So then I headed for my parents. They were having dinner already, and my Dad was on the phone. So my Mom comes outside, looks at my car and feels bad for me. Gives me advice on what to do and not to worry. These things just happen. Then my Dad comes outside. He takes a look, wonders what happened, then asks where I had my car parked and starts yelling. I'm like, wtf, what's this all about? So my gut reaction takes over and I yell back. Basically, what he said is that I should never have parked my car there. That this was bound to happen sooner or later. Cyclist come out from the side road and just ride on towards my car... and he already told me a thousand times but I just wouldn't listen. I'm sorry, but those are outrageous accusations. What he meant that it was my own stupid fault. But I fail to see it his way. I'm parking my car in an official parking spot. In front of the door, because it was raining last night and other spaces were already taking. Other traffic can easily use the road without coming even close to my car. Plus, this is not done by other traffic, I'm sure of that much. It was done deliberately. Probably some youngsters (sorry, that's not proven, and a clear prejudice, but it probably is the truth) who vandalised my car. How would that be *my* fault? And why yell to me about that? It's still *my* car, and therefor my problem and my money. I was already feeling bad enough about it. But he just it worse by his accusations.
I did tell (might have been yelling still, but not too loud anymore) him he has to stop putting the guilt on me every single time again. This is not my fault and I do not want to be blamed by my own father. What I needed at that point was his support and advice. I'm still a rookie to real life... Instead, I got totally crushed. And my mom was in the middle of it all. So I just stalked outside again, not being able to bear his sight any longer. I did tell my mom that I wished he'd take his worries out in another way. We are too often his victim in that way. And that I'd had enough of it. So she started crying, and that triggered me. So we comforted each other for a bit, before my Dad got bitchy again and 'ordered' my mom to go back to dinner. So I just left, not wanting to hurt her more than has already happened today. I do hope she's okay now. Maybe she'll call later, I don't dare. The changes that he'll answer or can be heard on the background... and my brother should come online again later.
But all of that happened in the space of only ten minutes. And it has really shaken me up. I've cried for a good hour afterwards, while managing somehow to have my own dinner. But this is the umpteenth time that my Dad hurts me in this way, and I'm tired of it. He's my Dad, and I care for him in that way. But as a human being, I just don't want to know him any longer. So I've decided to make being around him easier for the next while. At least until he apoligises - which he never does, *ever*. I am simply going to ignore him. He'll just have to feel for himself what he's doing to others. The worst I did was calling him strongheaded pighead, which he is. And telling him just what he's like. I will only apologise for hurt I've caused, but not for the truth of my words.
And all of this makes me very happy and relieved that I have my own place now. I no longer have share a roof with him, especially when he's like that. I am seriously scared of him then. He has never hurt me physically (okay, apart from that one time... but I was whiny kid that day) or anyone else that I know of. But he's large, and strong enough and not in control of himself when he's angry. I can rush of to the safety of my apartment. But what will he say to my mom, or excuse her off? I really feel bad for my mom now. She's facing a fighting daughter and husband... I can't imagine anything worse for a mother.
But to come back to the subject, anyone available for a chat tonight? I'm going to take a quick shower now, so my face won't be as puffed and red anymore. Please? I need some distraction.