life's little realizations lately
I was listening, talking, processing, digesting a lot of things earlier and these are what I gathered so far. Note that they’re not necessarily new stuff to me; I’ve known them and have accepted them at some point before. I’m just human so I go against the flow. I’m stubborn and conflicted and basically a happy loser. Anyway…
(These are all connected to my non-existent lovelife so even if this is long [1560 words, you're warned], I know you would take time to at least skim through it. Come on, alam kong curious ka.)
~ There’s someone out there who’s right for you, who will fit you exactly in all ways imaginable. For several people, it will take a long time to find it. Thirty years of hell, said my sister as we were talking about relationships. That’s how long it took her to find the one who’s for her. Almost everyone thought it’s always been my fault, she added. She was right about the one for you, it’s just that through time, what other people didn’t realize was everything appeared as mistakes to them because the right fit has just not arrived for her. Her marriage now is not at all perfect but she knew this is already it and she did not regret waiting so long because what matters is she already got it.
~Women may still change their minds but men never do, no matter what you do. This may appear too sexist especially since we’re talking in the context of the difference of genders in pursuing someone or a relationship with someone. We all know that there are women out there who mean No when they said No, and men who are basically just pushovers only after a few provocations. =) Nonetheless, it rang true for situations we witnessed in the family. I even felt alluded to at one point. Yet another subtle poke of, “Nakita mo na?” =)
~ Being in a relationship is total hardwork. I refuse to elaborate anymore. This is a special time to be thankful that I may be single but at least, I am spared from that insane kind of relationship maintenance. And I can say it with not an iota of bitterness. I totally respect people who take this kind of risk though, as I mentioned before, “It gets pretty tiring, you know (unrequited feelings). And this, with a full wide view of friends who are suffering ridicule, losing money, losing time, damning family ties, sacrificing principles, all because they love and are being loved back. I should be feeling sorry for them at some point, but I’m not. Because they’re happy."
~ Be mindful if you’re breaking the Golden Rule. Do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you. I place this motto in such high esteem but I could have been breaking it in my own little ways. See, I did not like my friend getting all frustrated by all these women secretly hovering over her boyfriend, and the boyfriend, out of politeness, insensitivity and perhaps wanting to have some extra harmless action on the side, tolerating it a few times.
My friend has been unloading this same batch of stressors to me and only last night did I realize that I could be them. Like, wait, I am doing it to him, to them. For a little while there, I thought my friend was reaping all my karma, hahaha!!! Sorry dear.
Anyway, yeah, breaking the Golden Rule? Guilty. Although I cannot promise not to do it again because hell, sometimes, it’s simply too fun breaking it. =)
Someone asked me, “Are they still together?” and I cannot say anything because I do not know. I don’t know anything more than second-hand information. We haven’t talked about it, and I even told him during an emotional lull that it’s ironic to be upset about my reaction on something we didn’t even exchange thoughts on. The smug part of me thought it’s because nothing was really going on but now that I’m inching away from it, I just think that it’s one part of his life that I don’t have anything to do with in any way so I’m not in a position to know. I’m just part of the other side of his life, as I always have been, and that’s just it.
~ Free expression is always good for you. In the context of simply letting it known or felt, it’s good. I know that but I personally feel bad for every dramatic or emotion-laden post about him because I tend to put people’s opinion of me first. It’s plain wrong because it drives me to bring myself to a pathetic level, living up to what people think I am. In 2009, I will start saying, within bounds of decency, everything I want to express. I already realized it naman, that people will always have something to say, and knowing me, I will also have tons to say, so might as well bear with it.
A friend told me, You just expressed your feelings. Sinabi mo bang kinukuha mo sya? Hindi naman di ba? So walang mali dun.
Yeah, she’s true…which leads me to…
~ We could never be certain about everything but in specific situations, we can be. I meant this in connection to a confession that I do not know if I even want man-boy for me that’s why I’m doing all of this. For every action, there has to be something aspired for, otherwise, why do it at all?
It’s the selfish kind of love, I know. As of now, even if they are not affected (probably), I’m still shaking something (that’s probably good?) in his life. I know how much high-maintenance he is when it comes to relationships and he even said so himself. When I was still thinking as his friend, I already told him that. So I’m aware. I may love him enough but I still can’t see the “If I am the one, I will do it better” shit. No. I really don’t, and I really can’t. Simply put, and I used this analogy before when I still had feelings for someone else (kaya nga I’m freaked kasi baka ganito ako tlaga? Yay!), I said, “Di tulad ni Juan, hindi ko inaasam na mapunta sa akin yong bayabas, pero sa kabilang banda, masakit pa rin pala pag kukunin sya ng iba. Parang kung tatanungin ang pinakamaramot na bahagi ng pagkatao ko, gusto ko sana nandyan lang yung bayabas, walang gumagalaw.” (Naks, ang lalim di ba?)
~ Paranoia rocks. Now this is connected, in a skewed way, to breaking the Golden Rule being a fun hobby. Hahaha! No, I just mean that it rocks because it can alter lives and mess with feelings. I think it’s awesome that way.
It may be wrong but it rocks for partners who check on their significant other’s e-mail accounts or text messages because only by doing it can they achieve some level of security. I won’t do it, I’ve never done it to my previous boyfriends, but I cannot and do not blame people who do. We have different kinds of coping mechanisms. So girl, I totally understand. As you said, he willingly gave you those passwords before, as in without you even asking, so now, can he expect you not to check them? It’s perfectly fine, dear.
However, by letting the same matter sink in, I began thinking if his random silence could mean the girlfriend has access to his account and joyfully deletes most stuff I sent, leaving a few for him not to get suspicious. But then I recover because, well, I have to give them more credit than that. They’re supposedly mature because they’re old. Old enough.
Although if and only if he did allow it to happen, that would be a total turn off. It’s like, nothing could ever get his tongue but someone could grab and hide his balls in a little place called I’m not worthy of respect in this respect. Something like that. He’d be suddenly like 2 feet 2 inches tall to me. Then he would be all freaky owning up to being the bad guy. It’s just funny, you know.
Anyway, I admit I am judging again and that for all I know, he simply just wasn’t up to hitting back a reply -out of laziness, out of loyalty, out of a pledge of assurance for security, whatever- and he’s content sending me e-mails first instead. Or that I’ve been fussing over old news and issues, letting current people involved get away under my nose. Yeah, it could be. But let me turn you back to the category to which this is under. Paranoia! It rocks. And frankly, it applies to both sides, too .
Lastly…
~ Enjoy life. Let yourself glide. Learn to filter. Take each lesson as it comes, whether it hurts or not. Don’t dwell in the past. Re-channel, if needed (TJ told me this). There’s more to life than what you have and see now (again, from TJ) and there’s more to life than chasing down temporary highs (now, that’s from Stacey Orrico, hahaha). YOU ARE BETTER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE (it may only work well for people with low self-esteem like me).
I just put them in one because it’s almost 4 in the morning. Anyway, life is good. And a good life demands that I sleep now.
(These are all connected to my non-existent lovelife so even if this is long [1560 words, you're warned], I know you would take time to at least skim through it. Come on, alam kong curious ka.)
~ There’s someone out there who’s right for you, who will fit you exactly in all ways imaginable. For several people, it will take a long time to find it. Thirty years of hell, said my sister as we were talking about relationships. That’s how long it took her to find the one who’s for her. Almost everyone thought it’s always been my fault, she added. She was right about the one for you, it’s just that through time, what other people didn’t realize was everything appeared as mistakes to them because the right fit has just not arrived for her. Her marriage now is not at all perfect but she knew this is already it and she did not regret waiting so long because what matters is she already got it.
~Women may still change their minds but men never do, no matter what you do. This may appear too sexist especially since we’re talking in the context of the difference of genders in pursuing someone or a relationship with someone. We all know that there are women out there who mean No when they said No, and men who are basically just pushovers only after a few provocations. =) Nonetheless, it rang true for situations we witnessed in the family. I even felt alluded to at one point. Yet another subtle poke of, “Nakita mo na?” =)
~ Being in a relationship is total hardwork. I refuse to elaborate anymore. This is a special time to be thankful that I may be single but at least, I am spared from that insane kind of relationship maintenance. And I can say it with not an iota of bitterness. I totally respect people who take this kind of risk though, as I mentioned before, “It gets pretty tiring, you know (unrequited feelings). And this, with a full wide view of friends who are suffering ridicule, losing money, losing time, damning family ties, sacrificing principles, all because they love and are being loved back. I should be feeling sorry for them at some point, but I’m not. Because they’re happy."
~ Be mindful if you’re breaking the Golden Rule. Do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you. I place this motto in such high esteem but I could have been breaking it in my own little ways. See, I did not like my friend getting all frustrated by all these women secretly hovering over her boyfriend, and the boyfriend, out of politeness, insensitivity and perhaps wanting to have some extra harmless action on the side, tolerating it a few times.
My friend has been unloading this same batch of stressors to me and only last night did I realize that I could be them. Like, wait, I am doing it to him, to them. For a little while there, I thought my friend was reaping all my karma, hahaha!!! Sorry dear.
Anyway, yeah, breaking the Golden Rule? Guilty. Although I cannot promise not to do it again because hell, sometimes, it’s simply too fun breaking it. =)
Someone asked me, “Are they still together?” and I cannot say anything because I do not know. I don’t know anything more than second-hand information. We haven’t talked about it, and I even told him during an emotional lull that it’s ironic to be upset about my reaction on something we didn’t even exchange thoughts on. The smug part of me thought it’s because nothing was really going on but now that I’m inching away from it, I just think that it’s one part of his life that I don’t have anything to do with in any way so I’m not in a position to know. I’m just part of the other side of his life, as I always have been, and that’s just it.
~ Free expression is always good for you. In the context of simply letting it known or felt, it’s good. I know that but I personally feel bad for every dramatic or emotion-laden post about him because I tend to put people’s opinion of me first. It’s plain wrong because it drives me to bring myself to a pathetic level, living up to what people think I am. In 2009, I will start saying, within bounds of decency, everything I want to express. I already realized it naman, that people will always have something to say, and knowing me, I will also have tons to say, so might as well bear with it.
A friend told me, You just expressed your feelings. Sinabi mo bang kinukuha mo sya? Hindi naman di ba? So walang mali dun.
Yeah, she’s true…which leads me to…
~ We could never be certain about everything but in specific situations, we can be. I meant this in connection to a confession that I do not know if I even want man-boy for me that’s why I’m doing all of this. For every action, there has to be something aspired for, otherwise, why do it at all?
It’s the selfish kind of love, I know. As of now, even if they are not affected (probably), I’m still shaking something (that’s probably good?) in his life. I know how much high-maintenance he is when it comes to relationships and he even said so himself. When I was still thinking as his friend, I already told him that. So I’m aware. I may love him enough but I still can’t see the “If I am the one, I will do it better” shit. No. I really don’t, and I really can’t. Simply put, and I used this analogy before when I still had feelings for someone else (kaya nga I’m freaked kasi baka ganito ako tlaga? Yay!), I said, “Di tulad ni Juan, hindi ko inaasam na mapunta sa akin yong bayabas, pero sa kabilang banda, masakit pa rin pala pag kukunin sya ng iba. Parang kung tatanungin ang pinakamaramot na bahagi ng pagkatao ko, gusto ko sana nandyan lang yung bayabas, walang gumagalaw.” (Naks, ang lalim di ba?)
~ Paranoia rocks. Now this is connected, in a skewed way, to breaking the Golden Rule being a fun hobby. Hahaha! No, I just mean that it rocks because it can alter lives and mess with feelings. I think it’s awesome that way.
It may be wrong but it rocks for partners who check on their significant other’s e-mail accounts or text messages because only by doing it can they achieve some level of security. I won’t do it, I’ve never done it to my previous boyfriends, but I cannot and do not blame people who do. We have different kinds of coping mechanisms. So girl, I totally understand. As you said, he willingly gave you those passwords before, as in without you even asking, so now, can he expect you not to check them? It’s perfectly fine, dear.
However, by letting the same matter sink in, I began thinking if his random silence could mean the girlfriend has access to his account and joyfully deletes most stuff I sent, leaving a few for him not to get suspicious. But then I recover because, well, I have to give them more credit than that. They’re supposedly mature because they’re old. Old enough.
Although if and only if he did allow it to happen, that would be a total turn off. It’s like, nothing could ever get his tongue but someone could grab and hide his balls in a little place called I’m not worthy of respect in this respect. Something like that. He’d be suddenly like 2 feet 2 inches tall to me. Then he would be all freaky owning up to being the bad guy. It’s just funny, you know.
Anyway, I admit I am judging again and that for all I know, he simply just wasn’t up to hitting back a reply -out of laziness, out of loyalty, out of a pledge of assurance for security, whatever- and he’s content sending me e-mails first instead. Or that I’ve been fussing over old news and issues, letting current people involved get away under my nose. Yeah, it could be. But let me turn you back to the category to which this is under. Paranoia! It rocks. And frankly, it applies to both sides, too .
Lastly…
~ Enjoy life. Let yourself glide. Learn to filter. Take each lesson as it comes, whether it hurts or not. Don’t dwell in the past. Re-channel, if needed (TJ told me this). There’s more to life than what you have and see now (again, from TJ) and there’s more to life than chasing down temporary highs (now, that’s from Stacey Orrico, hahaha). YOU ARE BETTER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE (it may only work well for people with low self-esteem like me).
I just put them in one because it’s almost 4 in the morning. Anyway, life is good. And a good life demands that I sleep now.