Zen Sarcasm!
There may be some repeats..... eh well :-p
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings'.
27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness'.
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.
37. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
38. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
39. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
40. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
41. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
42. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
43. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
44. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
45. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
46. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
47. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
48. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
49. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
50. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
51. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
52. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
53. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
54. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
55. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
56. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
57. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings'.
27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness'.
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.
37. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
38. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
39. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
40. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
41. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
42. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
43. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
44. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
45. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
46. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
47. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
48. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
49. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
50. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
51. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
52. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
53. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
54. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
55. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
56. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
57. Never miss a good chance to shut up.