(no subject)
Once again, outgunned and outmanned by none other than myself. The judge finds himself in a pickle here, not knowing what the unholy fuck is going on in his own head, and manages to drag others down into the swirling poop-pit of his mind. I think I just think too much - I've been going over things in my head about having a girlfriend. It's pretty stupid to think of it like that, but there it is: I've just been trying to figure out where I fit here in this "we" Kim and I made for ourselves, and I keep feeling like someone trying to sleep on a bed that's just a bit too small. I feel like every inch I give to make her more comfortable just keeps me trying harder to stop myself from falling off.
Of course, it's nothing really like that. I'm once again being a confused, immature, and paranoid little boy. Kim and I talked some about her moving out, which just made me reflexively gag on my own words. I know it'd upset her and I don't want her to leave, but sometimes I just feel fucking trapped. She tells me that I keep feeling like this and it probably means I'm just not ready for the kind of relationship we have. Too much, too fast I guess. I don't know what the fuck to say or do, really. I feel like I'm going to lose no matter what. If she moves out, I won't see her enough (for either of us), and I just know things will go bad. If we stay living together, I feel like I'm never going to be able to control myself enough not to feel like I'm caged.
And I'm not caged. Kim doesn't tell me what to do or not do, or anything like that. The thing that bothers me is that I keep coming away with the feeling that the whole root of this problem is the fact that I can't just fucking grow up and let go of wanting everything all the time. If she moved out, would I be happier? It'd just be different, I think. I wonder if that's just my problem - I'm too addicted to change, and it's going to cause me to push away something I truly love.
Maybe if I just sleep on it, or something. I hear that's how you fix problems - sleeping. That's what all the stories say, anyway.
Anjin-san off.
Of course, it's nothing really like that. I'm once again being a confused, immature, and paranoid little boy. Kim and I talked some about her moving out, which just made me reflexively gag on my own words. I know it'd upset her and I don't want her to leave, but sometimes I just feel fucking trapped. She tells me that I keep feeling like this and it probably means I'm just not ready for the kind of relationship we have. Too much, too fast I guess. I don't know what the fuck to say or do, really. I feel like I'm going to lose no matter what. If she moves out, I won't see her enough (for either of us), and I just know things will go bad. If we stay living together, I feel like I'm never going to be able to control myself enough not to feel like I'm caged.
And I'm not caged. Kim doesn't tell me what to do or not do, or anything like that. The thing that bothers me is that I keep coming away with the feeling that the whole root of this problem is the fact that I can't just fucking grow up and let go of wanting everything all the time. If she moved out, would I be happier? It'd just be different, I think. I wonder if that's just my problem - I'm too addicted to change, and it's going to cause me to push away something I truly love.
Maybe if I just sleep on it, or something. I hear that's how you fix problems - sleeping. That's what all the stories say, anyway.
Anjin-san off.