Blues From A Gun
Title: Blues From A Gun
Characters: Jude/Max
Fandom: Across the Universe
Rating: R
Table: 1
Prompt: 76, Gun
Author's Note: This is entirely a product of imagination, and I do not own Jude Feeny, Max Carrigan, or any of the other characters depicted in the film Across the Universe.
Dear Jude,
I'm sitting here writing to you in the shadow of a village that my unit had to destroy. Right now, I'm smelling the smoke from the fires we set, and trying to forget what the stench of dead bodies is like. I'm trying to forget that I'm even here.
I hate having to do things like that. There were little kids in that village, and women. I didn't want to take any lives, but it's one of the reasons I'm here. Any of the people there would have done the same thing to me and the other guys in my unit if we hadn't stopped them.
One of the little kids tried to do that. He came at us with a gun. A gun. This tiny little boy who couldn't have been more than ten years old was pointing a gun at us and trying to shoot. We were just damn lucky that it locked and wouldn't fire.
It's kind of amazing how people can have that much hate for us just because we're a different color than they are and have different beliefs. I never would have expected to see that much hatred and focus on a little kid's face.
That's a scary sight, Jude. Things like that are going to haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. Can you stand being with a guy who can see that kind of thing whenever he closes his eyes at night? Can you cope with the nightmares I know I'll be having when I get back home?
I know I will, because I have them here. I can't shake some of the things I see in the daytime when it's night and I'm trying to lose myself in sleep. Sometimes, everything I've seen and done comes back even more potently when I"m asleep.
I'm just glad you're not having to live through this nightmare. You deserve better than this -- and honestly, I think you deserve to be with a man who doesn't have this weighing on his mind and his soul. But you've got me, and I hope you still want me.
There's no way I can make you understand just what it's like to live through this. Sometimes I wonder if I will. Every night when I go to sleep, I wonder if it'll be my last night on this Earth, if tomorrow I'll be blown away and come home to you in a body bag.
I don't want to think that way, but over here, it's inevitable. We lose people out of the unit every day -- and not always from the fighting. One guy shot himself because he couldn't live with what he was doing. And another died from some kind of fever.
That's what I live with every day, and I don't want it touching you. You're the one thing that's good and pure in my life, and I'm holding on to you with all the strength that I have left in me. You're the only thing that keeps me going, knowing that I'm coming home to you one day.
Every time I look at my gun, I can't help wondering if this is one of the things that's going to end this war and being me home to you sooner -- of if it's part of what will keep this going on indefinitely, until I've been gone so long that you're not waiting for me any more.
I know that's not going to happen. You'll never give up on me, just like I'll never give up on you. But there are times when it's getting harder and harder to believe that you'll be able to wait for somebody who might be years coming back to you.
I don't want to think like that, Jude. I don't want to get the blues every time I look at my gun. I can't afford to do that; I have to stay in a positive frame of mind. And I have to be at peace with the fact that I carry a gun and use it. Sometimes it's all that keeps me alive.
And I intend to stay alive. I intend to come home to you, even if I'm more messed up than I was when I left. I'm not going to let this damned war keep us apart forever. I will come home, and I will spend the rest of my life loving you.
Nothing's going to keep me away from you. At least, that's what I tell myself. There's so many times when I can't help wondering if my life is going to be ended over here, by a land mine or a bomb or one of those little kids coming at me with a loaded gun.
That's the last thing I see in my mind's eye when I lay down to go to sleep now. I can't help wondering if some kid will attack us when I'm sleeping, and if I'll never know what killed me because I won't wake up in time to stop it.
I need to stop thinking like that. I'm not going to die over here. I'm going to make it through this war intact, and I'm going to come home to you. We're going to spend the rest of our lives together. I promised you that, and I mean to keep that promise.
But I still sleep with my gun under my pillow, ready to shoot at the least little thing. I think it's going to take me a long time to get past that. There's been too many things in this war that are going to stick with me for a long, long time. Maybe for the rest of my life.
That doesn't matter, though. As long as I can come home to you and spend my life with you, then I'll be a happy man. I'm counting the hours that I'm away from you, and living for the day when you'll be back in my arms and all this will just be a memory.
Love always,
Max
Characters: Jude/Max
Fandom: Across the Universe
Rating: R
Table: 1
Prompt: 76, Gun
Author's Note: This is entirely a product of imagination, and I do not own Jude Feeny, Max Carrigan, or any of the other characters depicted in the film Across the Universe.
Dear Jude,
I'm sitting here writing to you in the shadow of a village that my unit had to destroy. Right now, I'm smelling the smoke from the fires we set, and trying to forget what the stench of dead bodies is like. I'm trying to forget that I'm even here.
I hate having to do things like that. There were little kids in that village, and women. I didn't want to take any lives, but it's one of the reasons I'm here. Any of the people there would have done the same thing to me and the other guys in my unit if we hadn't stopped them.
One of the little kids tried to do that. He came at us with a gun. A gun. This tiny little boy who couldn't have been more than ten years old was pointing a gun at us and trying to shoot. We were just damn lucky that it locked and wouldn't fire.
It's kind of amazing how people can have that much hate for us just because we're a different color than they are and have different beliefs. I never would have expected to see that much hatred and focus on a little kid's face.
That's a scary sight, Jude. Things like that are going to haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. Can you stand being with a guy who can see that kind of thing whenever he closes his eyes at night? Can you cope with the nightmares I know I'll be having when I get back home?
I know I will, because I have them here. I can't shake some of the things I see in the daytime when it's night and I'm trying to lose myself in sleep. Sometimes, everything I've seen and done comes back even more potently when I"m asleep.
I'm just glad you're not having to live through this nightmare. You deserve better than this -- and honestly, I think you deserve to be with a man who doesn't have this weighing on his mind and his soul. But you've got me, and I hope you still want me.
There's no way I can make you understand just what it's like to live through this. Sometimes I wonder if I will. Every night when I go to sleep, I wonder if it'll be my last night on this Earth, if tomorrow I'll be blown away and come home to you in a body bag.
I don't want to think that way, but over here, it's inevitable. We lose people out of the unit every day -- and not always from the fighting. One guy shot himself because he couldn't live with what he was doing. And another died from some kind of fever.
That's what I live with every day, and I don't want it touching you. You're the one thing that's good and pure in my life, and I'm holding on to you with all the strength that I have left in me. You're the only thing that keeps me going, knowing that I'm coming home to you one day.
Every time I look at my gun, I can't help wondering if this is one of the things that's going to end this war and being me home to you sooner -- of if it's part of what will keep this going on indefinitely, until I've been gone so long that you're not waiting for me any more.
I know that's not going to happen. You'll never give up on me, just like I'll never give up on you. But there are times when it's getting harder and harder to believe that you'll be able to wait for somebody who might be years coming back to you.
I don't want to think like that, Jude. I don't want to get the blues every time I look at my gun. I can't afford to do that; I have to stay in a positive frame of mind. And I have to be at peace with the fact that I carry a gun and use it. Sometimes it's all that keeps me alive.
And I intend to stay alive. I intend to come home to you, even if I'm more messed up than I was when I left. I'm not going to let this damned war keep us apart forever. I will come home, and I will spend the rest of my life loving you.
Nothing's going to keep me away from you. At least, that's what I tell myself. There's so many times when I can't help wondering if my life is going to be ended over here, by a land mine or a bomb or one of those little kids coming at me with a loaded gun.
That's the last thing I see in my mind's eye when I lay down to go to sleep now. I can't help wondering if some kid will attack us when I'm sleeping, and if I'll never know what killed me because I won't wake up in time to stop it.
I need to stop thinking like that. I'm not going to die over here. I'm going to make it through this war intact, and I'm going to come home to you. We're going to spend the rest of our lives together. I promised you that, and I mean to keep that promise.
But I still sleep with my gun under my pillow, ready to shoot at the least little thing. I think it's going to take me a long time to get past that. There's been too many things in this war that are going to stick with me for a long, long time. Maybe for the rest of my life.
That doesn't matter, though. As long as I can come home to you and spend my life with you, then I'll be a happy man. I'm counting the hours that I'm away from you, and living for the day when you'll be back in my arms and all this will just be a memory.
Love always,
Max