Here I am, the only living boy in New York.
Just one of those maudlin, introspective days.
Summer is half over.
My grandmother is in the hospital and will be discharged to rehab/nursing.
I never feel like I'm quite enough to anyone.
I am feeling like less of a mama these days now that I see my children so much less. I know that in my heart I am a mama 100% but it is just what it is, just a feeling. Sometimes I like to sit in my feelings a bit before breaking them apart and examining them. But really it's just a tough juggle of choices - I am happier, but my kids may be unhappier. That challenges my intrinsic ideas about mamahood. And about personhood. It's sort of a grey area for me.
A long time ago, when my grandfather was dying and my grandmother was recovering from surgery, I offered to move to RI with my kids and be her primary caretaker. My grandfather and uncle decided that it would be better if my uncle did it, and he has been doing so ever since. My uncle seems a bit burned out by this job (and it is a bog job!) and has made some IMO insensitive comments in front of my grandmother. It bothers me and I wish I could do more for her, more for them.
I guess on this maudlin day I'm just doubting my ability to do family the way I believe it should be done (not that there is a right way, there is just a way I'd like it to be). I want to do more and be more for my grandmother, for my aunt and uncle, for my children, for me. I always want to do more.
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile."
Summer is half over.
My grandmother is in the hospital and will be discharged to rehab/nursing.
I never feel like I'm quite enough to anyone.
I am feeling like less of a mama these days now that I see my children so much less. I know that in my heart I am a mama 100% but it is just what it is, just a feeling. Sometimes I like to sit in my feelings a bit before breaking them apart and examining them. But really it's just a tough juggle of choices - I am happier, but my kids may be unhappier. That challenges my intrinsic ideas about mamahood. And about personhood. It's sort of a grey area for me.
A long time ago, when my grandfather was dying and my grandmother was recovering from surgery, I offered to move to RI with my kids and be her primary caretaker. My grandfather and uncle decided that it would be better if my uncle did it, and he has been doing so ever since. My uncle seems a bit burned out by this job (and it is a bog job!) and has made some IMO insensitive comments in front of my grandmother. It bothers me and I wish I could do more for her, more for them.
I guess on this maudlin day I'm just doubting my ability to do family the way I believe it should be done (not that there is a right way, there is just a way I'd like it to be). I want to do more and be more for my grandmother, for my aunt and uncle, for my children, for me. I always want to do more.
"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile."