I've been used, and You knew all the time ...
Judas Iscariot sat in a patch of moonlight in the garden of Gethsemane, his face turned upwards to the heavens. His mind churned with everything he had seen and done in the past few days; his stomach churned at the thought of what was to come when the sun rose. He knew that the treacherous Caiaphas had something far more sinister than simply throwing Jesus into jail planned; although what exactly, he didn’t know. He knew that Christ himself was aware of his fate, and was resigned to follow the path which had been laid for him. But what of Judas? Was he to remain a hapless pawn in all of this?
“My God, You are my only Lord,” he murmured. “Your will is divine and absolute. Whatever You command me to do, I shall do with no doubt in my heart. Just ... tell me why.”
He was met only by the silence of the night. With a sigh, he lay upon the ground to rest. He would rise with the sun in a few short hours and seek out the priests and pharisees, and deliver the Son of Man unto them as he had promised. As Christ knew, and God had decreed.
After morning had come, and Judas had led Caiaphas and his wretched lot to the garden, he kissed the cheek of Christ to identify him to his captors.
“Judas,” Christ asked softly, “must you betray me with a kiss?”
In that moment, the heart of Judas Iscariot shattered.
“My God, what have I done?” he asked silently. “What have You made me do?”
His only answer was the marching feet of the soldiers as they led the Son of Man away, and the shouts and cries of the Apostles as they ran Judas, now branded the Traitor, out of their sight.
A few hours later, when Judas entered the temple and threw down the silver pieces at the feet of Caiaphas, he cried, “Here is your blood money! Take it so that I may wash my hands of your treachery! O, God, see what I, Your humble servant, has done! See that I am not the Traitor they say me to be!”
But there was no answer from God, no absolution. There was only the mocking laughter of the priests.
“You are a fool, Judas Iscariot,” Caiaphas laughed. “The fate of Jesus Christ is sealed. We paid you good wages for just one little kiss. Now, be gone from this place, and take your money with you.”
And so Judas ran form the temple, leaving the silver pieces scattered at the feet of the priests. He ran through the streets and out of the city, wild with grief and anger. After a time, he collapsed in a field, dirt sticking to his sweat drenched body, heart pounding, feet bloodied by the rocky roads. He lay there for what seemed to be an eternity, sobbing into the ground.
“Do You see?” he choked out, slowly turning his head from earth to sky. “Do You see me, God? I, Your humble, faithful, loving servant, lie here in misery! Do You think I deserve this? For I have only done as my teacher, my brother, knew I would do - what You have set me to do.”
He found the strength to stand again, and though he was exhausted, he stood firm.
“Why, O Lord, have You done this to me? Did I anger You? Is this my punishment for some unknown sin? They call me the Traitor, but it is I am betrayed! By You, by Caiaphas, by all of them!”
Judas closed his eyes to the sun, slowing his breathing, forcing calm into his mind.
“Lord, if you are truly my God, show me what will come of this,” he murmured. “I only want to know.”
For a few moments, there was only silence, and Judas began to believe that God would never answer. But then his mind was flooded by images - Christ, beaten and bloody, being nailed to the crucifix; the remaining apostles going forth to spread His teachings; kings and peasants alike worshipping Jesus Christ, their Lord and Savior. Murder and bigotry carried out in His name. Judas, eternally condemned as the most vile and treacherous of men. When it was finished, he fell to his knees, tears coming forth once again.
“So I am to be damned on this earth for all time? For carrying out Your foul plan?” he finally murmured. “And what of my fate in Your divine realm, O God? Am I to be spat upon there as well?”
The silence which met his questions infuriated him, his fists clenching into the dirt.
“Why won’t You answer me, O Lord?” he screamed. “How can I be forgiven for the sins I have committed in Your name?”
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a tree standing at the top of a small hill at the edge of the field. Slowly, he stood and faced it.
“Is this what I must do, O Lord?” he asked, taking slow, staggering steps toward the tree. “Is this how I can wash my hands of the blood which rightly belongs on Yours?”
His pace increased until he was running full tilt to the hill, undoing the rope sash from around his waist and fashioning it into a noose. He climbed the tree until he found a sturdy enough branch, and tied the end of the rope to it.
“God, I beg You, let them see that I am no traitor,” he prayed, holding the noose in his hands. “I am innocent, O Lord, do You see this? Please, grant me forgiveness and eternal rest.”
Quickly, he slipped the noose over his head, tightening it around his neck. As he perched in the tree, doubt began to slip into his mind. What if God held him guilty? What if all of his words had fallen on deaf ears? What if the only way to exonerate himself was to tell his brothers the truth?
His stomach clenched, and he forced himself to remember that God was his only Lord, and only He could grant eternal forgiveness.
Judas knew there was no other way. He stood on the branch, feeling it bend beneath him, knowing it would soon break, delivering him into God’s hands.
“Adonai ro’i, lo echsar ...” he said softly, his heart pounding.
He only wished he could be sure that forgiveness waited for him.
“Bin’ot deshe yarbitseini ...”
But there could be no doubt in his heart, not now.
“Al mei m’nuchot y’nachaleini ...”
God would grant him peace.
“Naf’shi y’shovev -”
In the last moments of his life, Judas prayed He would.
“My God, You are my only Lord,” he murmured. “Your will is divine and absolute. Whatever You command me to do, I shall do with no doubt in my heart. Just ... tell me why.”
He was met only by the silence of the night. With a sigh, he lay upon the ground to rest. He would rise with the sun in a few short hours and seek out the priests and pharisees, and deliver the Son of Man unto them as he had promised. As Christ knew, and God had decreed.
After morning had come, and Judas had led Caiaphas and his wretched lot to the garden, he kissed the cheek of Christ to identify him to his captors.
“Judas,” Christ asked softly, “must you betray me with a kiss?”
In that moment, the heart of Judas Iscariot shattered.
“My God, what have I done?” he asked silently. “What have You made me do?”
His only answer was the marching feet of the soldiers as they led the Son of Man away, and the shouts and cries of the Apostles as they ran Judas, now branded the Traitor, out of their sight.
A few hours later, when Judas entered the temple and threw down the silver pieces at the feet of Caiaphas, he cried, “Here is your blood money! Take it so that I may wash my hands of your treachery! O, God, see what I, Your humble servant, has done! See that I am not the Traitor they say me to be!”
But there was no answer from God, no absolution. There was only the mocking laughter of the priests.
“You are a fool, Judas Iscariot,” Caiaphas laughed. “The fate of Jesus Christ is sealed. We paid you good wages for just one little kiss. Now, be gone from this place, and take your money with you.”
And so Judas ran form the temple, leaving the silver pieces scattered at the feet of the priests. He ran through the streets and out of the city, wild with grief and anger. After a time, he collapsed in a field, dirt sticking to his sweat drenched body, heart pounding, feet bloodied by the rocky roads. He lay there for what seemed to be an eternity, sobbing into the ground.
“Do You see?” he choked out, slowly turning his head from earth to sky. “Do You see me, God? I, Your humble, faithful, loving servant, lie here in misery! Do You think I deserve this? For I have only done as my teacher, my brother, knew I would do - what You have set me to do.”
He found the strength to stand again, and though he was exhausted, he stood firm.
“Why, O Lord, have You done this to me? Did I anger You? Is this my punishment for some unknown sin? They call me the Traitor, but it is I am betrayed! By You, by Caiaphas, by all of them!”
Judas closed his eyes to the sun, slowing his breathing, forcing calm into his mind.
“Lord, if you are truly my God, show me what will come of this,” he murmured. “I only want to know.”
For a few moments, there was only silence, and Judas began to believe that God would never answer. But then his mind was flooded by images - Christ, beaten and bloody, being nailed to the crucifix; the remaining apostles going forth to spread His teachings; kings and peasants alike worshipping Jesus Christ, their Lord and Savior. Murder and bigotry carried out in His name. Judas, eternally condemned as the most vile and treacherous of men. When it was finished, he fell to his knees, tears coming forth once again.
“So I am to be damned on this earth for all time? For carrying out Your foul plan?” he finally murmured. “And what of my fate in Your divine realm, O God? Am I to be spat upon there as well?”
The silence which met his questions infuriated him, his fists clenching into the dirt.
“Why won’t You answer me, O Lord?” he screamed. “How can I be forgiven for the sins I have committed in Your name?”
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a tree standing at the top of a small hill at the edge of the field. Slowly, he stood and faced it.
“Is this what I must do, O Lord?” he asked, taking slow, staggering steps toward the tree. “Is this how I can wash my hands of the blood which rightly belongs on Yours?”
His pace increased until he was running full tilt to the hill, undoing the rope sash from around his waist and fashioning it into a noose. He climbed the tree until he found a sturdy enough branch, and tied the end of the rope to it.
“God, I beg You, let them see that I am no traitor,” he prayed, holding the noose in his hands. “I am innocent, O Lord, do You see this? Please, grant me forgiveness and eternal rest.”
Quickly, he slipped the noose over his head, tightening it around his neck. As he perched in the tree, doubt began to slip into his mind. What if God held him guilty? What if all of his words had fallen on deaf ears? What if the only way to exonerate himself was to tell his brothers the truth?
His stomach clenched, and he forced himself to remember that God was his only Lord, and only He could grant eternal forgiveness.
Judas knew there was no other way. He stood on the branch, feeling it bend beneath him, knowing it would soon break, delivering him into God’s hands.
“Adonai ro’i, lo echsar ...” he said softly, his heart pounding.
He only wished he could be sure that forgiveness waited for him.
“Bin’ot deshe yarbitseini ...”
But there could be no doubt in his heart, not now.
“Al mei m’nuchot y’nachaleini ...”
God would grant him peace.
“Naf’shi y’shovev -”
In the last moments of his life, Judas prayed He would.