Shana Tova.
My hair right now is a mane. I love it when it is a mane and I am a lion.
I went to Gay Day at Disneyland. I got there exceedingly late (9:00 pm) because of my sickness/laziness/having to pick up Danny Pierce. But it was still enjoyable. I wore a red shirt, and was at first the tiniest bit self-conscious. But then when I saw all the people in red, walking around Disneyland, just having a nice time together, I began to feel proud.
It wasn't what I was expecting. It wasn't a "We're here, we're queer, get used to is" sort of affair. It was just a bunch of ordinary people, able to express themselves freely. Normally you would NEVER see gay people displaying affection in Disneyland. You rarely see it at all in public. But on that day, I saw lovers feeling free enough to hold each other during the fireworks, cuddle in line together, hold hands while walking through New Orleans Square, and it was absolutely gorgeous.
That night I didn't get to bed until 6 in the morning. It's the first time in I can't remember how long that I just found myself driving around strange streets with friends. Drinking that terrible Denny's coffee that I love at 4 in the morning. Laughing. Not being restricted by schedules and "I'm tired, we should go to bed." It made me feel so good (better in a way than I had felt in a long time), that I decided it would be good to do more things of this nature.
That is why the next day when Tyler went to go tutoring, I didn't wait at home like I usually do, even though I was tired and my body was telling me to be lazy. Before I knew it, I was at Ryan's appartment. I was still a bit reserved. That's why when the bong came out, I was hesitant. I didn't want to smoke pot. I wanted to watch Rome.
Or did I?
What did I want?
So as everyone else took a hit, I decided that I would too. You'll thank yourself, I said. Because when's the last time you let loose?
And so several hours passed: Ryan, Stephen, Danina, Sam, and I all giggly and munchy on the couches. I was still not feeling quite right, but I was feeling good because I was trying.
Sam left at 11.
Soon the other three were asleep.
And I was alone.
I did not want to sleep. I knew that this was my night to sort things out. I haven't known why I've been hurting so much, been so unstable. But I was sick and tired of letting it run my life. I wanted, needed to resolve myself, get myself in line.
So while I was sorting out my strategy I watched some TV. Then I went into Ryan's room where his labtop was. And though I haven't in so long, I forced myself to write. A private entry, because I was afraid. But at least it was something. And I forced the words out of my fingertips as hard as they could go, and when they couldn't come out any more, I stopped.
That's when Danny came home.
(Backstory: Ryan and Stephen share an appartment. Danina has been living with them for the last month. Danny got kicked out of his house last week, and has since been staying with them.)
Secretly I knew that that's what I had waited for all along. For Danny. For him to come and us to flirt together. And when he came home, I was overjoyed.
But I didn't go to him right away.
His ex-girlfriend called him. He talked with her for a very long time; a conversation that sounded hauntingly familiar, back from my days with Daniel. And I laid on Ryan's bed, a bed that Danny and I had shared one time before. I lit the candles, and I felt like I was inside of a jack-o-lantern, or a snug dark corner of the world where nothing could hurt me.
I laid there staring at the flickering candlelight for a very long time. This would be the point recently where I would feel overwhelmingly lonely and depressed. Hopeless. I might have a panic attack. I would feel weak and afraid and desperate.
But I didn't this time. I laid there serenely, and I didn't feel afraid or lost or lonely. I felt warm. And every time I felt my thoughts start to turn to those familiar pathways, I stopped myself.
I thought about my whole life while Danny talked and agonized with his ex-lover in the other room. I thought about every aspect of it, what makes me happy, what makes me sad, why. I thought until there was nothing else to come to terms with, nothing else to fix.
Then I fell asleep, grasping the down quilt. I was utterly comfortable.
I woke up to Danny. He took off his pants and shirt and laid down next to me.
I had never seen him without his shirt before.
We cuddled together, talked about his conversation with his lady. I wanted to help, I felt genuinely bad for him, as if I had been there myself. The words didn't come expertly, but I held his hand and tried my best.
He felt better, then we feigned falling asleep even though neither one of us wanted to any more.
I starred at his lips while his eyes were closed. I wanted to kiss them badly. I even planned it out. But I didn't. I was scared of him. Even with his eyes closed, his body at rest, he held power over me.
He held me close and I let my hand wander over his chest. I adore men's chests and I love to feel them. Danny's chest was so strong, and then sloped down to his stomach in such an appealing way.
I was trying to be subtle, touching him for my own guilty pleasure, not with any intent.
But when I heard his breathing become more shallow, and I raised my eyes sligtly to see his lips parted and wanting, I couldn't help myself. I began to play. Seeing where my hands would entice quickening of breath, slowing. Slight gasps. Near-silent groans which said so clearly "touch me MORE".
Soon his hand was on me, our breath echoed each other. We pressed hard into each other.
I touched him there, and he was so deliciously swollen like I've missed. Just from my touching his chest! He ran his fingers gingerly over my breasts, then withdrew them. He was afraid of me. But he wanted me.
At length he opened his eyes and I looked straight into them. My cheeks burned when I did this. I wanted to turn away, but I didn't.
"You're a vampire," he said, softly.
"No, I'm not," I feigned.
"Yes you are."
"Do you want me to be?"
"Yes."
I smiled, and in a flash was on top of him.
We didn't have sex. Our clothes did not come off. But we played. I pounded against him, he threw me down and put his hand over me throat.
"You're crazy," he said. "I love the way you look at me."
We fell asleep together. It was the first night in months that I spent without Tyler. The last time had been with Danny, in the same bed. Before the hospital, before going crazy, seemingly so long ago. At the beginning of summer maybe? And that time I had felt guilty the whole time. My mind was all "TylerTylerTyler." In the nine months Tyler and I have been together, we have spent probably less than a week apart. I have gone to bed with him in my bed every night. But that night, when I fell asleep with Danny, I was glad to finally feel free again. Not that Tyler is smothering, but I don't think it's my pesonality to go to bed at the same time and in the same place every night. I was glad to feel a different sized and shaped body next to me. I was glad at everything. I felt great.
When I saw Tyler the next day, I kissed him. I held him. I missed him, I did. I told him what happened with Danny. He was a tiny bit jealous, nothing more. That night I felt overwhelmed by my love for him. I looked into his eyes, and they're so beautiful. They are so pure and soft like no one else's I've ever seen. I felt my heart spilling light everywhere. I felt cheesy, but absolutely happy at the same time. I love Tyler more than I've ever loved anyone before. He makes me happy. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't know what I would do without him.
That night when I was laying alone in the candlelight, it dawned on me how close I really am to that dream I've always wanted. I found someone better than I ever thought I could. The possibilities of affairs are rampant. I have great friends who really care about me. I've reached a point in my acting when I finally think I can truely begin. My life is good. The only thing missing right now is me. I've been so weak, so fragile and haven't known why, I still don't really know why. But I have faith at this point that everything will not only be alright, but that my life is going to take me to rich beautiful places, starting soon.
All that's left is my fear. I am afraid. Here is the most honest entry I've written in a long time. The most thorough. And yet I can still feel in my chest my self holding back. But I know I'm there! And I miss myself! I love things about my life now, but I miss that free spirit who was so open with herself and so unafraid to be completely honest and take risks and try everything and follow her passions and find beauty in everything. I miss it, but it's there. It's me. I'm just weak. But I've always prevailed through everything I've been through. I won't let this destroy me.
I don't know everything that I want anymore.
But I do know I want to be honest like I was, and to be unafraid of that honesty.
I want to act, but not be ruled by the fear that I'm not good enough or the egotism that I'm too good.
I want love and passion. I want Tyler to stay with me for as long as possible and to be able to look into his sweet eyes. I want to fuck Danny and write poetry with him. I want to feel confident again, confident enough to approach Iris without feeling so self-conscious. I want to kiss her.
I want to continue to be barefoot.
I want to write again!!!!!!!!
I want to feel at home in the grass and the leaves and trees.
I want to be comfortable when I'm alone.
I want to open up my chest and let everything spill out and have it be silken and golden and sharp and wine. I want to dig my nails into skin, and not be afraid to let my eyes shine genuinely.
I want to be able to live on the stage, to command the audience, and bring profound life to a character.
I want to dance.
I want to stop getting upset over things that don't matter.
I WANT TO BE HONEST TO THE CORE.
I want to forgive Daniel.
I want to stop passing judgements and being so critical.
I want to feel the world pulsing in me.
I want to learn so many languages.
I want Tyler to do me up the butt. (HAHAHAHA)
I feel so good just from writing this. It's more me than I've been in a long time.
And as for the improv class. I decided on that night not to go, because it always makes me feel so anxious and self-depricating. So I didn't go.
When Tyler came back from class, he told me the teacher asked about me. He called me a shining light in the class, said that my environment work was the best he'd seen in years, and that he wants to help me break through this psychological block I seem to have on the class.
I didn't know this, and Tyler didn't know this, but Anond (that's the teacher) had called us before class. He said he was going to be late and he wanted Tyler and I to start the class.
And all that made all the difference. That's all I wanted. I wanted respect. I wanted to be seen. So I've decided I'm going to give the class another shot.
"And you like Disneyland?" Danny had said while he was ontop of me, his hand on my throat.
"Uh huh," I smiled.
"They shouldn't let people like you into Disneyland."
I went to Gay Day at Disneyland. I got there exceedingly late (9:00 pm) because of my sickness/laziness/having to pick up Danny Pierce. But it was still enjoyable. I wore a red shirt, and was at first the tiniest bit self-conscious. But then when I saw all the people in red, walking around Disneyland, just having a nice time together, I began to feel proud.
It wasn't what I was expecting. It wasn't a "We're here, we're queer, get used to is" sort of affair. It was just a bunch of ordinary people, able to express themselves freely. Normally you would NEVER see gay people displaying affection in Disneyland. You rarely see it at all in public. But on that day, I saw lovers feeling free enough to hold each other during the fireworks, cuddle in line together, hold hands while walking through New Orleans Square, and it was absolutely gorgeous.
That night I didn't get to bed until 6 in the morning. It's the first time in I can't remember how long that I just found myself driving around strange streets with friends. Drinking that terrible Denny's coffee that I love at 4 in the morning. Laughing. Not being restricted by schedules and "I'm tired, we should go to bed." It made me feel so good (better in a way than I had felt in a long time), that I decided it would be good to do more things of this nature.
That is why the next day when Tyler went to go tutoring, I didn't wait at home like I usually do, even though I was tired and my body was telling me to be lazy. Before I knew it, I was at Ryan's appartment. I was still a bit reserved. That's why when the bong came out, I was hesitant. I didn't want to smoke pot. I wanted to watch Rome.
Or did I?
What did I want?
So as everyone else took a hit, I decided that I would too. You'll thank yourself, I said. Because when's the last time you let loose?
And so several hours passed: Ryan, Stephen, Danina, Sam, and I all giggly and munchy on the couches. I was still not feeling quite right, but I was feeling good because I was trying.
Sam left at 11.
Soon the other three were asleep.
And I was alone.
I did not want to sleep. I knew that this was my night to sort things out. I haven't known why I've been hurting so much, been so unstable. But I was sick and tired of letting it run my life. I wanted, needed to resolve myself, get myself in line.
So while I was sorting out my strategy I watched some TV. Then I went into Ryan's room where his labtop was. And though I haven't in so long, I forced myself to write. A private entry, because I was afraid. But at least it was something. And I forced the words out of my fingertips as hard as they could go, and when they couldn't come out any more, I stopped.
That's when Danny came home.
(Backstory: Ryan and Stephen share an appartment. Danina has been living with them for the last month. Danny got kicked out of his house last week, and has since been staying with them.)
Secretly I knew that that's what I had waited for all along. For Danny. For him to come and us to flirt together. And when he came home, I was overjoyed.
But I didn't go to him right away.
His ex-girlfriend called him. He talked with her for a very long time; a conversation that sounded hauntingly familiar, back from my days with Daniel. And I laid on Ryan's bed, a bed that Danny and I had shared one time before. I lit the candles, and I felt like I was inside of a jack-o-lantern, or a snug dark corner of the world where nothing could hurt me.
I laid there staring at the flickering candlelight for a very long time. This would be the point recently where I would feel overwhelmingly lonely and depressed. Hopeless. I might have a panic attack. I would feel weak and afraid and desperate.
But I didn't this time. I laid there serenely, and I didn't feel afraid or lost or lonely. I felt warm. And every time I felt my thoughts start to turn to those familiar pathways, I stopped myself.
I thought about my whole life while Danny talked and agonized with his ex-lover in the other room. I thought about every aspect of it, what makes me happy, what makes me sad, why. I thought until there was nothing else to come to terms with, nothing else to fix.
Then I fell asleep, grasping the down quilt. I was utterly comfortable.
I woke up to Danny. He took off his pants and shirt and laid down next to me.
I had never seen him without his shirt before.
We cuddled together, talked about his conversation with his lady. I wanted to help, I felt genuinely bad for him, as if I had been there myself. The words didn't come expertly, but I held his hand and tried my best.
He felt better, then we feigned falling asleep even though neither one of us wanted to any more.
I starred at his lips while his eyes were closed. I wanted to kiss them badly. I even planned it out. But I didn't. I was scared of him. Even with his eyes closed, his body at rest, he held power over me.
He held me close and I let my hand wander over his chest. I adore men's chests and I love to feel them. Danny's chest was so strong, and then sloped down to his stomach in such an appealing way.
I was trying to be subtle, touching him for my own guilty pleasure, not with any intent.
But when I heard his breathing become more shallow, and I raised my eyes sligtly to see his lips parted and wanting, I couldn't help myself. I began to play. Seeing where my hands would entice quickening of breath, slowing. Slight gasps. Near-silent groans which said so clearly "touch me MORE".
Soon his hand was on me, our breath echoed each other. We pressed hard into each other.
I touched him there, and he was so deliciously swollen like I've missed. Just from my touching his chest! He ran his fingers gingerly over my breasts, then withdrew them. He was afraid of me. But he wanted me.
At length he opened his eyes and I looked straight into them. My cheeks burned when I did this. I wanted to turn away, but I didn't.
"You're a vampire," he said, softly.
"No, I'm not," I feigned.
"Yes you are."
"Do you want me to be?"
"Yes."
I smiled, and in a flash was on top of him.
We didn't have sex. Our clothes did not come off. But we played. I pounded against him, he threw me down and put his hand over me throat.
"You're crazy," he said. "I love the way you look at me."
We fell asleep together. It was the first night in months that I spent without Tyler. The last time had been with Danny, in the same bed. Before the hospital, before going crazy, seemingly so long ago. At the beginning of summer maybe? And that time I had felt guilty the whole time. My mind was all "TylerTylerTyler." In the nine months Tyler and I have been together, we have spent probably less than a week apart. I have gone to bed with him in my bed every night. But that night, when I fell asleep with Danny, I was glad to finally feel free again. Not that Tyler is smothering, but I don't think it's my pesonality to go to bed at the same time and in the same place every night. I was glad to feel a different sized and shaped body next to me. I was glad at everything. I felt great.
When I saw Tyler the next day, I kissed him. I held him. I missed him, I did. I told him what happened with Danny. He was a tiny bit jealous, nothing more. That night I felt overwhelmed by my love for him. I looked into his eyes, and they're so beautiful. They are so pure and soft like no one else's I've ever seen. I felt my heart spilling light everywhere. I felt cheesy, but absolutely happy at the same time. I love Tyler more than I've ever loved anyone before. He makes me happy. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't know what I would do without him.
That night when I was laying alone in the candlelight, it dawned on me how close I really am to that dream I've always wanted. I found someone better than I ever thought I could. The possibilities of affairs are rampant. I have great friends who really care about me. I've reached a point in my acting when I finally think I can truely begin. My life is good. The only thing missing right now is me. I've been so weak, so fragile and haven't known why, I still don't really know why. But I have faith at this point that everything will not only be alright, but that my life is going to take me to rich beautiful places, starting soon.
All that's left is my fear. I am afraid. Here is the most honest entry I've written in a long time. The most thorough. And yet I can still feel in my chest my self holding back. But I know I'm there! And I miss myself! I love things about my life now, but I miss that free spirit who was so open with herself and so unafraid to be completely honest and take risks and try everything and follow her passions and find beauty in everything. I miss it, but it's there. It's me. I'm just weak. But I've always prevailed through everything I've been through. I won't let this destroy me.
I don't know everything that I want anymore.
But I do know I want to be honest like I was, and to be unafraid of that honesty.
I want to act, but not be ruled by the fear that I'm not good enough or the egotism that I'm too good.
I want love and passion. I want Tyler to stay with me for as long as possible and to be able to look into his sweet eyes. I want to fuck Danny and write poetry with him. I want to feel confident again, confident enough to approach Iris without feeling so self-conscious. I want to kiss her.
I want to continue to be barefoot.
I want to write again!!!!!!!!
I want to feel at home in the grass and the leaves and trees.
I want to be comfortable when I'm alone.
I want to open up my chest and let everything spill out and have it be silken and golden and sharp and wine. I want to dig my nails into skin, and not be afraid to let my eyes shine genuinely.
I want to be able to live on the stage, to command the audience, and bring profound life to a character.
I want to dance.
I want to stop getting upset over things that don't matter.
I WANT TO BE HONEST TO THE CORE.
I want to forgive Daniel.
I want to stop passing judgements and being so critical.
I want to feel the world pulsing in me.
I want to learn so many languages.
I want Tyler to do me up the butt. (HAHAHAHA)
I feel so good just from writing this. It's more me than I've been in a long time.
And as for the improv class. I decided on that night not to go, because it always makes me feel so anxious and self-depricating. So I didn't go.
When Tyler came back from class, he told me the teacher asked about me. He called me a shining light in the class, said that my environment work was the best he'd seen in years, and that he wants to help me break through this psychological block I seem to have on the class.
I didn't know this, and Tyler didn't know this, but Anond (that's the teacher) had called us before class. He said he was going to be late and he wanted Tyler and I to start the class.
And all that made all the difference. That's all I wanted. I wanted respect. I wanted to be seen. So I've decided I'm going to give the class another shot.
"And you like Disneyland?" Danny had said while he was ontop of me, his hand on my throat.
"Uh huh," I smiled.
"They shouldn't let people like you into Disneyland."