Geez
It's been awhile, livejournal. Let me tell you what I've been up to.
I think...that I may start posting more often. Maybe it will help with some of my issues. Some of my many, many, many issues.
I have anger issues. It's not an issue of being angry at anyone in particular (well, sometimes my dear mother). I just feel this violent rage build up at times. I'm never outwardly angry. In fact, I like to think of myself as easily approachable...unfortunately, I'm also a door-mat. Back before my mother went crazy and I lost all respect for her, I really looked up to her and her ability to GET SHIT DONE. I mean, it really just hit me last night...I'm useless a lot of the time. Sure, I'm helpful and loyal and hard-working, but I lack the ability to GET SHIT DONE. I take back what I said about not being angry at anyone in particular...I'm angry with myself. I feel a failure ninety percent of the time, and when I don't, I spend my time wondering why. It's a vicious cycle, I suppose.
Just like tonight...I spent Thanksgiving with Mandy. Mandy is...it's hard to say what Mandy is. I had romantic feelings for her for quite awhile, I think, and finally accepted that, more or less, during my freshmen year of college. After about a year or so of pining, I finally decided I was being an idiot and figured I would just watch from the sidelines and be there for her in every way I could. While the feelings I have for her won't go away, I'm not pining, and I'm not wasting my time hoping that her feelings will change. EVEN IF she somehow miraculously returned them, I wouldn't be able to accept them. I love her, probably more than I've loved anyone. I really...can't describe...what I feel for her. She's brought me out of so many dark places and done so much for me, so...no matter how many times I'm hurt by her, I can't forget that. It's just...this last little while...I just want acknowledgment. I want to know that I'm at least one-tenth of what she's worth to me, to her. No matter how far I reach out, though, it's just...ack. She's so stoic with me now. She used to talk to me. She used to open up to me. We used to laugh and I felt like I belonged...or something. I just don't know what I am to her anymore. Am I still her best friend or am I now the 'girl down the street that you went to high school with'.
Anyway, she invited me to Thanksgiving with her because I had a terrible day the day before and spent the entire day at the hospital with my grandmother. Since our Thanksgiving plans moved up a day, she invited me with her parents. I was fine. There were no worries. I was spending Thanksgiving with my best friend who I thought I wasn't going to see for another month. BUT...as things usually turn out, my brain just tried to attack me after awhile. She just invited me because she felt sorry for me. She didn't invite me because she wanted to. She didn't really care that she wouldn't be able to see me for awhile. What if every visit is like that? What if she never wants to see me but I'm forcing her to see me? These are the directions my head goes. It used to be ok, though, back then, because I would have the confirmation from her. She would tell me everything was ok, she knew I needed that confirmation....that I needed...that I had to know what her intentions were. After so many years of being fucked over by so many people, I couldn't accept...still can't accept...that people outside of the people obligated to care about me, DO CARE. I'm a wreck. LOL
She has this lovable douche-bag/asshole boyfriend (THAT MAKES SO MUCH FUCKING SENSE DOESN'T IT) that she wants to marry now, and that's a bit upsetting, because while he is lovable, he is also a douche-bag/asshole. I just...I hate the thought that she's could spend the rest of her life with him....She always talks about how much she hates her cousin's husband, and how he is useless and immature and all of these other things...I just don't want to have to think that about her husband as well. There are only two people I am jealous of when it comes to her...Alex, the LDBA (lovable douche-bag/asshole), and Sarah, my arch-nemesis. Sarah is seriously so similar to me it is uncanny valley. She doesn't LOOK like me, but a lot of her mannerisms and things are similar...I don't think she's as fucked up mentally, but you know. I'm not going to get started on that.
Anyway, that's what I wanted to talk about tonight, but...
I also want to say...Rachel, you're amazing. I've never...I know I give you a hard time because I'm so stubborn, but I'm not used to having someone so genuinely interested in me. You've actually made an effort to get to know me in ways that no one else has, and I'm truly thankful for that bond we have.
Nathan, I really appreciate everything you've done for me and for the comfort and the love you've shown me in my sad moments, and for being there for me to share my happiness with. I also really enjoy watching LESBIANS PLAYING MAHJONG, THAT MOTHER-FUCKING CAKE!, and soon...HAPPI BARSUDEI...and, fuck yeah Sora no Woto!
Emma. Thank you for worrying about me and caring about me. It makes me happy that I'm important enough to you for you to care that much. I've really enjoyed our time together, and I hope there will be much more of it. I also really enjoy talking about GOOD ingredients and making fun of various Food Network chefs and TV shows.
Liz. Liz Liz Liz Liz. I LOVE YOU. You're crazy and you brighten up my day just by talking to me. Also, we both have the best taste in music ever. I'm glad that I met you, and I'm glad that we've been able to get along so well...and it's nice to have someone that likes nearly every sort of music I throw at them. You know how much music means to me, so it's really great.
I just wanted you four (I'd post many more people, but I have a feeling you're the only ones that will read this) to know how thankful I am for each one of you. I love you guys, and I hope you had an amazing Thanksgiving.
ALSO.
I am thankful for Imogen, and music in general. I would be the least interesting person in the world if it wasn't for music. Maybe I'm at least the third least interesting person now. LOL
OK IT'S GETTING CORNY TIME TO STOP.
I think...that I may start posting more often. Maybe it will help with some of my issues. Some of my many, many, many issues.
I have anger issues. It's not an issue of being angry at anyone in particular (well, sometimes my dear mother). I just feel this violent rage build up at times. I'm never outwardly angry. In fact, I like to think of myself as easily approachable...unfortunately, I'm also a door-mat. Back before my mother went crazy and I lost all respect for her, I really looked up to her and her ability to GET SHIT DONE. I mean, it really just hit me last night...I'm useless a lot of the time. Sure, I'm helpful and loyal and hard-working, but I lack the ability to GET SHIT DONE. I take back what I said about not being angry at anyone in particular...I'm angry with myself. I feel a failure ninety percent of the time, and when I don't, I spend my time wondering why. It's a vicious cycle, I suppose.
Just like tonight...I spent Thanksgiving with Mandy. Mandy is...it's hard to say what Mandy is. I had romantic feelings for her for quite awhile, I think, and finally accepted that, more or less, during my freshmen year of college. After about a year or so of pining, I finally decided I was being an idiot and figured I would just watch from the sidelines and be there for her in every way I could. While the feelings I have for her won't go away, I'm not pining, and I'm not wasting my time hoping that her feelings will change. EVEN IF she somehow miraculously returned them, I wouldn't be able to accept them. I love her, probably more than I've loved anyone. I really...can't describe...what I feel for her. She's brought me out of so many dark places and done so much for me, so...no matter how many times I'm hurt by her, I can't forget that. It's just...this last little while...I just want acknowledgment. I want to know that I'm at least one-tenth of what she's worth to me, to her. No matter how far I reach out, though, it's just...ack. She's so stoic with me now. She used to talk to me. She used to open up to me. We used to laugh and I felt like I belonged...or something. I just don't know what I am to her anymore. Am I still her best friend or am I now the 'girl down the street that you went to high school with'.
Anyway, she invited me to Thanksgiving with her because I had a terrible day the day before and spent the entire day at the hospital with my grandmother. Since our Thanksgiving plans moved up a day, she invited me with her parents. I was fine. There were no worries. I was spending Thanksgiving with my best friend who I thought I wasn't going to see for another month. BUT...as things usually turn out, my brain just tried to attack me after awhile. She just invited me because she felt sorry for me. She didn't invite me because she wanted to. She didn't really care that she wouldn't be able to see me for awhile. What if every visit is like that? What if she never wants to see me but I'm forcing her to see me? These are the directions my head goes. It used to be ok, though, back then, because I would have the confirmation from her. She would tell me everything was ok, she knew I needed that confirmation....that I needed...that I had to know what her intentions were. After so many years of being fucked over by so many people, I couldn't accept...still can't accept...that people outside of the people obligated to care about me, DO CARE. I'm a wreck. LOL
She has this lovable douche-bag/asshole boyfriend (THAT MAKES SO MUCH FUCKING SENSE DOESN'T IT) that she wants to marry now, and that's a bit upsetting, because while he is lovable, he is also a douche-bag/asshole. I just...I hate the thought that she's could spend the rest of her life with him....She always talks about how much she hates her cousin's husband, and how he is useless and immature and all of these other things...I just don't want to have to think that about her husband as well. There are only two people I am jealous of when it comes to her...Alex, the LDBA (lovable douche-bag/asshole), and Sarah, my arch-nemesis. Sarah is seriously so similar to me it is uncanny valley. She doesn't LOOK like me, but a lot of her mannerisms and things are similar...I don't think she's as fucked up mentally, but you know. I'm not going to get started on that.
Anyway, that's what I wanted to talk about tonight, but...
I also want to say...Rachel, you're amazing. I've never...I know I give you a hard time because I'm so stubborn, but I'm not used to having someone so genuinely interested in me. You've actually made an effort to get to know me in ways that no one else has, and I'm truly thankful for that bond we have.
Nathan, I really appreciate everything you've done for me and for the comfort and the love you've shown me in my sad moments, and for being there for me to share my happiness with. I also really enjoy watching LESBIANS PLAYING MAHJONG, THAT MOTHER-FUCKING CAKE!, and soon...HAPPI BARSUDEI...and, fuck yeah Sora no Woto!
Emma. Thank you for worrying about me and caring about me. It makes me happy that I'm important enough to you for you to care that much. I've really enjoyed our time together, and I hope there will be much more of it. I also really enjoy talking about GOOD ingredients and making fun of various Food Network chefs and TV shows.
Liz. Liz Liz Liz Liz. I LOVE YOU. You're crazy and you brighten up my day just by talking to me. Also, we both have the best taste in music ever. I'm glad that I met you, and I'm glad that we've been able to get along so well...and it's nice to have someone that likes nearly every sort of music I throw at them. You know how much music means to me, so it's really great.
I just wanted you four (I'd post many more people, but I have a feeling you're the only ones that will read this) to know how thankful I am for each one of you. I love you guys, and I hope you had an amazing Thanksgiving.
ALSO.
I am thankful for Imogen, and music in general. I would be the least interesting person in the world if it wasn't for music. Maybe I'm at least the third least interesting person now. LOL
OK IT'S GETTING CORNY TIME TO STOP.