Twenty-One Days: Days 7 to 9
Day Seven: In which Jared and Jensen share some information about themselves
Jensen wanted to take photographs of puffins. So the following morning saw The Yellow Rose puttering out to the Eastern Isles in search of the sad eyed clown birds. Jared warned Jensen that they hadn’t seen a single puffin on the last nature trip the Ariana had taken, but the photographer just shrugged and told Jared they could go somewhere else if necessary.
Both Jared and Jensen were quiet on the journey out, but not with the awkward silence of yesterday’s journey. Jensen prepared his camera, while Jared guided the small boat around the rocky isles looking for the shy birds. Every now and then, they commented on the sights and sounds, but the quiet was companionable. It stayed quiet once they had found a small colony of puffins on Nournour. This time, Jensen stayed in The Yellow Rose whilst Jared tried his best to get the boat in as close as possible. There was a small beach on the island but the easiest access to the birds was from the sea, so Jared risked the glossy paintwork on the bow to bring The Yellow Rose as close into the rocks as he possibly could.
And then Jared watched.
Jensen worked efficiently, but thoughtfully. A small frown would appear on his brow in concentration, a small pink slither of tongue would appear between his lips, and Jared would be mesmerised. Jensen would then glance over and smile, the crinkles around his eyes fanning out, emphasising the sunlight reflecting in his gold-green eyes and Jared would be captivated. Jensen twisted and contorted his limbs to select the shot that represented his own view of the world - Jared knew from his viewing of Jensen’s pictures that his view was different from any other - and Jared was fascinated. Jensen was graceful as he moved about the boat and hung over the sides, rare in someone unused to being on the sea, and Jared felt a deep molten warmth in his belly. It wasn’t just Jensen’s beauty that had Jared enthralled. There was a joy exuding from every cell in Jensen’s body and an energy that could only come from someone who was utterly contented in who he was and in what he was doing.
Far from the angst and guilt of the day before, Jared felt relaxed and chilled. The sun was shining yet again, and the sea breeze kept the heat pleasant. The puffins were playful and funny, in their worried bustling; their comic antics keeping both men amused. Thoughts of Julian were pushed well back in his mind, and Jared just let it all be. He had debated with himself long and hard the night before, without really coming to any conclusion. However, he realise that he needed to stop being so hard on himself. He had a boyfriend - well, he had been dating and sleeping with someone for the last five weeks, but although it was the longest relationship he had ever had, it wasn’t exactly indicative of a high level of commitment. As long as he didn’t do anything that threatened his own integrity (he wasn’t that guy anymore), he could live with it. Maybe this thing with Jensen would turn into something more. Maybe it would be brief and temporary as Jensen was only going to be on the islands for another two weeks. But whatever it was, whatever happened, he would do what was right by Julian. There could be no harm in a fleeting flirtation. He still didn’t know what he wanted to do with his future, whether that was with or without Julian. And there was still a suspicion that his relationship with Jensen could be something more than ephemeral, but Jared was determined not to think too hard about that - it was too presumptuous.
So Jared just enjoyed being with a man who was kind on the eyes and whose passion for his work was evident in his every move.
Lunch was thick doorstep ham and cheese sandwiches and an apple. The two men ate whilst watching a group of seals haul themselves up from the sea onto the sun drenched rocks where the puffins had been bobbing to and fro.
“It’s a privilege, isn’t it?” Jensen uttered as they sipped at the coffee Jared had made on his small hob. Jared lifted an eyebrow. “Being here, having this opportunity. Not many people get to work in an environment like this.”
Jared agreed wholeheartedly. He was basically sat in his office - a small pleasure launch, rocking gently in the sapphire blue sea, the green, grey and white of the islands spread around him. But for all that beauty and calm, there were disadvantages to living on the Scillies.
“It’s not all sunshine,” Jared said in response.
Jensen leant back and stretched out his long legs, a tiny strip of white skin showing as his tee-shirt rode up. Jared tried very hard, but without success, not to notice.
“So what are the problems?” Jensen asked, looking directly and intensely at Jared. “Can’t see any downsides from here!”
Jared hummed.
“Well, the weather isn’t always this good,” he started. “Although it’s certainly better than the mainland.”
“I guess living in small community can get a bit tiresome…” Jensen encouraged Jared to continue.
“S’alright in the summer - lots of tourists, different faces. In the winter it’s basically just the islanders and a few hardy holiday makers. It can be a bit grim. And when the weather sets in… well, it can feel a little claustrophobic. I keep a freezer full in case the Gry Maritha can’t get in, and the planes are stopped.”
“Everybody knows your business?” Jensen asked, with a smirk.
“Don’t even try keeping secrets here,” Jared chuckled. “I think one of the reasons why I was made so welcome was because I gave plenty of meat to the gossipers - still do.”
“Really? What are they saying about you now?” Jensen asked curiously.
“Well, mostly they are talking about you, and how much time they think you’re spending with me. I have this reputation… bit of a man whore, you know. I’m afraid they are weaving you into my story now.”
Jensen frowned.
“But you have a boyfriend? Isn’t that causing trouble for you?”
Jared grimaced.
“I can’t imagine he’s happy about it, but it’s difficult to tell. He always seems cool about stuff. But it’s kind of a new thing - him and me. He knows my rep, though.”
“How’d you get together?”
“The council decided they needed a third police officer. He came last autumn. Not exactly a large gay community here, you know. I don’t usually date islanders - nowhere to go if things turn to shit. But he was relentless. I’m pretty sure he was warned off though. It didn’t stop him.”
“He wore you down,” Jensen grinned, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes.
“Kind’a,” Jared shrugged. “But he’s a good guy, and…” Jared drifted into silence for a while. “I don’t know. Maybe because I’m getting older, but I’m beginning to want more than just a quick fuck. I know, I know, the good citizens of St Mary’s will die of surprise hearing that, but if I am going to stay then…”
“You think you are going to have to settle, if you want to stay here. Doesn’t seem fair on the good guy police officer,” Jensen tipped his head to one side as he spoke. Jared felt uncomfortable under his serious regard. “Is that some of the reason why you’re thinking of leaving?”
“Maybe, partly. What the hell do I know? It’s all a confused mess in here,” Jared tapped his head.
“So why are you scared of commitment?” Jensen pushed.
“I’m not, or at least I don’t think I am. Just haven’t wanted it. There’s an endless stream of young beautiful things coming to the islands. I like sex. It’s a no brainer. Never needed anything more.”
“Until, maybe, now.”
“Getting older, as I said.”
Jensen got up and put his cup in the small sink. Then he turned to pick up his camera. Jared watched him again. It seemed like there was never a minute when he wasn’t watching him.
“What about you?” He suspected that Jensen must be single. Jared didn’t think that Jensen seemed to be the type of person who would mess around with other men if he had someone at home but, then, he didn’t really know Jensen that well.
“Had a partner - for ten years. He left along with the regular wages,” Jensen shook his head at Jared’s exclamation. “It’s okay. Bit of a shock. Well, a massive shock really. Wasn’t the most exciting relationship in the world, but still, wasn’t expecting that. Better to have found out he was bastard now than at my retirement party. Been a few hook-ups since. But… well… not really into that too much. I guess I’m the commitment, settling type.” He grinned at Jared.
“That won’t be easy if you’re travelling the world for your art,” Jared concluded.
“No, but the photography takes priority at the moment,” Jensen agreed.
“So your pass at me the other day was desperation due to a long dry spell?” Jared chuckled.
“Not quite,” Jensen answered swiftly, but he coloured and looked down at the floor briefly before looking back up through his lashes at Jared.
They stared at each other for a few moments.
Breath caught in his throat, Jared felt his chest constrict, his heart swell. The want, want, want that he had been dampening all morning, started rising from his core. He shifted uncomfortably, but knew that Jensen had noticed. There was a very dark gleam in his eyes that signalled his intent and made Jared instantly hard.
But neither of them were that kind of guy.
Jensen took a deep breath and turned back to the islands, and the puffins.
Jared gave himself a mental telling off and then got busy finding little jobs on the Yellow Rose.
***
A few moments later and the tension had died away to something more manageable. Jensen offered his spare camera to Jared and started giving him hints on good picture taking. The afternoon, therefore, passed swiftly and in a friendly manner, the cameras offering a workable barrier between them, and allowing them to put the sexual tension on hold.
There was a brief moment of indecision before they parted at the bottom of the climb to The Garrison. A moment of almost and nearly. But Jared’s long legs counted out his strides back to his cottage in Porth Loo, and he tried desperately to school his thoughts away from the ‘what ifs’.
There weren’t any plans for the next day. Jensen had a meeting with his contacts at the council and the Duchy to show them his work so far, so planned to work on St Mary’s, perhaps to walk out to Penninis Head in the afternoon and take some shots from there. So, knowing he had a free day, and after much searching of his conscience, Jared made a phone call and arranged a lunch date.
Day Eight: The day of two dates
Julian grinned as soon as he saw Jared and made his way through the tables until he stood right by Jared.
“Good table,” he said and then bent to kiss Jared.
“I’ve been here for hours, waiting until it came free,” Jared joked. The terrace out the back of The Atlantic was small but had an unparalleled view of the harbour on St. Marys and across the bay to Porth Loo. From there, Jared could see his own little cottage, his Uncle busy on the Ariana out in the harbour, and the broad white stern of the Scillonian. Even this early in the season, the tables out here were in demand, hence the joke. He hadn’t waited for long, but had been incredibly lucky to find the corner table free as he strolled in for his date with Julian.
“I can’t drink,” Julian said. “Doug’s gone off sick, so I’ll have to go back on shift this afternoon. Got about an hour! Sorry.”
“That’s a shame,” Jared said. “Was kind of hoping that I could persuade you to come out on the boat with me this afternoon.”
Julian’s pale face registered disappointment.
“Sorry. Another time,” came his answer. “So how have things been?”
“Good,” Jared said.
“You’ve been out early and getting back late,” Julian prompted as he looked over the menu.
“Yeah, Jensen likes the light of early morning and just before sunset. It’s some photographer thing,” Jared answered trying to appear nonchalant. The sharp look he received in return suggested that he wasn’t fooling Julian so he did the best thing possible, and tried to change the subject.
He listened attentively to Julian’s stories of missing goats, graffiti on the public toilet doors, and complaints of too much noise from The Bishop and Wolf. He laughed in all the right places, and Julian seemed to relax. But something was missing.
Julian, like Jensen, was doing a job he enjoyed. He liked helping people and preferred the more mundane aspects of police work on the Scillies to the more crime filled towns and cities on the mainland. But compared to Jensen’s life and energy, there was a flatness and dullness about Julian. Jared hated himself for comparing the two men - it wasn’t fair on either of them, but it particularly was unfair to Julian, who hadn’t done anything wrong. Jensen was right about one thing. Staying with Julian was ‘settling’ or whatever term Jensen used to describe it. And, maybe it was the root of all of Jared’s dissatisfaction. He was pretty confident he was outgrowing his promiscuity but hadn’t been able to find an alternative within the community of Scilly. Julian was, perhaps, his only choice. He liked the man. He really did. Perhaps he could learn to love him even. But Julian didn’t make his pulse race in the way that Jensen did, and Jared was the type to need some excitement in his life even if he had sequestered himself away on one of the quietest places on earth.
He sat through the meal, slowly coming to the conclusion that he had to break things up with Julian. Perhaps then he could start straightening his muddled thoughts, and finally find some peace. He was aware that Jensen’s presence might make that difficult for the next couple of weeks, but he couldn’t justify stringing Julian along anymore.
A questioning tone finally drew him back into the present.
“Sorry,” he mumbled.
“You do know what they are saying about you and that photographer,” Julian asked again, pale eyes searching. Shit, Julian had obviously run out of the minutiae of crime fighting in Hugh Town.
“I can guess,” Jared answered.
“You are spending hours with him every day, beyond the scrutiny of anyone,” Julian pressed, obviously not wanting to drop the subject this time.
“Yeah, well, they started talking ‘bout me when I first got here and haven’t stopped since. Not everything is true,” Jared responded.
“Is this?”
“Is what?” Jared countered.
“You and Jensen,” Julian said firmly.
“I am not fucking Jensen,” Jared said accurately. He felt anger beginning to rise. This was a new experience for him. He’d never had a relationship long enough for someone to accuse him of being unfaithful, and he had worked very hard not to give in to his lust for the photographer. He felt a little aggrieved.
“Do you want to?” Julian asked, his face impassive.
“Why are you listening to these petty gossipers,” Jared spoke loudly allowing his irritation to show. Julian looked uncomfortably about him. Some attention was now being shown to them. Jared shut his mouth and stared out at the sea.
“It’s okay if you do. I know your history, Jared, and I am not stupid. It took me long enough to get you to agree to go out with me in the first place, so I am pretty aware this isn’t some great love affair of the century for you. He’s not around for long, if you need to scratch some itch…”
Jared shifted his gaze back to the other man in surprise.
“Are you offering me..? What? What are you saying, Julian?” he blustered.
“Look, I like you, Jared. Really like you. In fact I think I am in love with you. But you have spent your whole life like a butterfly fluttering from man to man. I don’t expect for you to change overnight. And I’m just saying… I want you to know, if you want Jensen, then that’s fine. Because at the end of the season - hell, even in a couple of week’s time - he’ll be gone, and I’ll still be here. Maybe, eventually, you’ll grow to feel the same way about me as I feel about you, but until then, I’ll accept a more open relationship.” There was a hint of a pleading tone by the end of his speech but Jared couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
“Do you think so little of yourself that you’re prepared to make an offer like that?” Jared asked utterly bewildered. “Do you honestly think I am the kind of person that would do that to you? I think you are belittling us both in that case.”
Julian was beginning to frown, realising that he had taken a misstep.
“I am not fucking Jensen Ackles,” Jared reiterated.
“But you want to,” Julian didn’t know when to back down.
Jared just stared at him.
“Yes,” he said honestly. “I want to. But that doesn’t mean I will. Just because I’ve slept around in the past doesn’t mean I’m going to be faithless now. I do understand loyalty, and what it means to be in a relationship even if I haven’t ever done it before.”
Allowing his anger to cool, Jared watched as a shadow of distress passed across Julian’s features.
“I’m sorry,” the policeman offered after a few moments of silence. “I just… I wanted… I guess I just wanted to find a way of keeping you. I’ve seen him, and I can see why you’re drawn to him. I can’t compete against him. But I will be here after the summer, and he’ll be gone, and… I just… I suppose I thought…”
“There is no way I would keep you dangling while I chased after every bit of tail that passed my fancy. No way,” Jared said firmly.
“Where does this leave us, then?”
“Honestly? I dunno,” Jared said. He threw some notes on the table, as he rose. No wonder, Julian had seemed cool with the time he was spending with Jensen if he was thinking along these lines. Jared just wanted to tell Julian to fuck off, that it was over, but he didn’t want to do it while he was still angry. He opted to give them both some time.
“Look. I need some space - do some thinking. I don’t know what I want at the moment, Julian, and there’s all sorts of shit in my head, only some of which is you and Jensen. I promise I won’t do anything without talking to you first. But you need to take some time too - what do you really want? Do you really want to wait around as second best? I’ll give you a call.”
“Are you going to him?” Julian asked, eyes wide.
“No,” Jared stated. “Not like you think. But neither am I going to stop working with him.”
Jared left without looking behind him, feeling dry-mouthed and sick to his stomach.
***
He ambled without purpose around the town until he found himself stalking through the allotments heading up towards Penninis Head. It had been a long time since anyone had questioned his integrity, whatever they thought of his sexual morals, and he felt nauseous thinking anyone could think he was the kind of man who would sleep around behind a boyfriend’s back, particularly since he had worked very hard to resist the temptations that Jensen could offer. Distressed and unhappy, he wound his way around the bay until he was climbing up to the head.
The wind was stiffer, and colder on the headland. He walked towards the lighthouse, then beyond it to the cliff edge, hair blowing in the breeze. The headland wasn’t particularly high but the giant piles of stone made it an impressive place. The Scillies were still enjoying good weather but Jared had been up here when the pounding Atlantic waves crashed right over the headland. It was exhilarating then. It was another one of Jared’s favourite places, somewhere he came when he needed to be reminded that there are greater forces in the world than his own petty issues. There were a couple of other places on the islands that gave him different kinds of comfort, but this was the place he needed when he needed taking out of himself. He found his favourite rock and climbed it. From the top he could see back towards Hugh Town, and forwards to the wide open sea. Some of his distress faded, but his mind started turning over and over.
He sat for a long time, looking at the view and looking at nothing in particular, trying to make sense of what was in his head. Perhaps it would be better if he did leave. He didn’t have to return to Texas if he didn’t want to. He could go anywhere.
Jared had no idea how long he had been sitting there when, suddenly, a movement caught his eye. Disengaging from his thoughts he looked down to find Jensen, in a pair of blue jeans and another of his band tee-shirts, camera slung about his neck, smiling back at him.
“I’ve been standing here for ten minutes,” he called up. “Where’d your mind drift off to, eh, Padalecki?”
Jared had forgotten Jensen’s plans to come up to the Head today, so the sight of him, after such a tumultuous afternoon, caused a sudden wave of emotion. He swallowed hard and blinked away his tears.
“What’s up?” Jensen asked instantly sobering. Jared shook his head, but scrambled down the rock. Jensen was all concern, hand beginning to reach out as Jared made the short leap to the springy, grassy turf. Jared shook his head again, still unable to speak.
“Hope you don’t mind, but I’ve been taking shots of you all this while.” A small, gentle smile played about Jensen’s lips. “You looked magnificent up there, like some pagan king surveying his kingdom!”
The absurdity finally brought Jared back to himself.
“I wanna get some shots of the cliffs but from below. You got any time to show me how to get down there without breaking my neck?”
***
They stayed out on the head until the sky started to darken. Jensen didn’t ask any more questions but Jared was aware of the quick, sharp looks of concern that Jensen threw his way. Jared guided Jensen around the rocks, carried one of his bags, and on one memorable occasion held his feet as Jensen hung over a rocky ledge. The man’s dedication to his art was monumental, and quite a bit risky too.
On their way back to Hugh Town, Jensen invited Jared to dinner.
“I’ve booked a table at Star Castle,” he said. “I’m pretty sure they’ll be happy to accommodate you.”
Jared started to refuse. It wasn’t cheap to eat at the Castle and Jared wasn’t flushed with funds.
“It’s on me,” Jensen interrupted. “Or rather, it’s on the Duchy. No strings. Just a couple of mates, yeah?”
Mates? Really?
But Jared found himself agreeing to go anyway.
***
“How did the meeting go?” Jared asked, trying to cover his embarrassment. Jensen had met him on the steps to Star Castle Hotel and Restaurant with such a look of approval that Jared had instantly coloured up. He knew he looked good - he’d bought his suit from Penzance for one of the recent weddings - and its dark grey material fitted him well - but Jensen’s eyes were like fire as they devoured his form. There was nothing ambiguous in his look, but, gratifyingly, as Jared still hadn’t quite come to terms with his lunch time conversation with Julian, he didn’t touch. Jared was pretty sure that Jensen wanted to though, and appreciated the effort. Jensen looked equally as good. His lighter suit was cut very well and fitted him like a glove.
“It was good. They liked what I’ve done so far,” Jensen smiled, eyes still tracking across Jared’s broad shoulders. They walked through the gateway, and up the tunnel weaving their way in past the thick stone walls, to find the front door of the residence.
Star Castle was a Tudor fortification built on the pinnacle of The Garrison. It overlooked Hugh Town and the harbour, and was shaped like an eight pointed star. The beautifully proportioned house, swallowed by heavy bastions, was now, incongruously, one of the best hotels on the islands. The food was always very good, although Jared rarely had the funds to afford to eat there often.
The head waiter listened politely as Jensen explained Jared’s unexpected presence. Jared didn’t recognise him which wasn’t surprising because a lot of the hotels had to recruit additional staff in the summer, and most of them came from the Mainland or even further afield. However, Lisa Mumford, Jamie’s young wife, was also working and her eyes went wide when she saw Jared, then flicked between him and Jensen. They were taken to their table in the corner of the restaurant accompanied by stares. Feeling more and more awkward by the minute, Jared started to wonder if he had made a mistake in accepting Jensen’s offer. It wouldn’t take long for word to get around the community. It was one thing for Jared to be spending time with the photographer during the day - that could be explained away as work - but another to turn up for dinner, dressed in suits.
With the perspicacity that Jared admired, Jensen seemed to pick up on Jared’s uneasiness, and he turned down the flirting and admiring glances. Ordering a bottle of the house red, they washed down the first course with fine wine and made plans for the following days. Lisa finally stopped trying to listen in on the conversation, when it appeared that the meal was nothing more than a business meeting and then Jared could finally relax.
“Sorry, I didn’t think.” Jensen finally said as they were waiting for their main course. “I guess this could cause some trouble for you.”
He looked so dreadfully sincere, that Jared took pity.
“Not your responsibility. I could have said no,” Jared answered smoothly, the warmth of the wine comforting his somewhat bruised nerves. “It’s not like this is a date, or anything.”
“No,” Jensen returned unconvinced. “But it sure looks like it could be!” He picked at the lapels of his suit as if that explained everything.
“Doesn’t matter anyway,” Jared then continued. “I can do what I bloody well please and everyone else can go hang themselves.”
With a look of surprise, Jensen leaned back in his chair.
“Are you okay?” he asked, with the same concern he had shown on Penninis Head a few hours earlier. Jared was about to answer, when his steak, and Jensen’s fish arrived. He forked a couple of mouthfuls in before finally finding himself answering. And once he had started he couldn’t stop. Jensen slowly continued eating but listened attentively as Jared explained about his lunch time date with Julian, about the offer Julian had made to him, about how he felt about that offer.
By the time Jared had finished, Jensen was looking at him very seriously.
“You seem more upset because he assumed you’d be fucking around, than about the possible end of your relationship,” he finally said in answer to Jared’s outpouring.
Jared opened his mouth to speak, but then shut it again. Jensen was right, as usual.
“I’m not that man, not anymore,” he finally answered.
“It’s been how many years since you left Texas? And you are still defining yourself by what you were then, or rather defining yourself as not being what you were then, if you catch my drift. UT, the mistakes you made there were the result of circumstances. You were betrayed by the people you thought should love you the best, and you were naturally angry and confused and hurt. And you were very young, Jared. Everyone makes mistakes, doesn’t mean that you are any less an honourable man. Give yourself a break,” Jensen focussed on Jared’s face, his eyes almost dark green in the dim light of the room. “Everyone I have spoken to has good words about you. How much you help around the community, how much of an asset you are. So much so that it’s like they’re trying to sell you to me… I’ve seen with my own eyes how happy you make people, how thoughtful and kind you are. You are a good man. Not because you made mistakes but because this is what you naturally are. Leave Texas behind you - stop letting it dictate your own sense of self-worth. And don’t let the gossip and some small minded man make you doubt yourself either. You are a good man.”
“Studied psychology alongside that accountancy degree, did you?” Jared retorted, but a little gingerly. Jensen’s words had made him fill so full, so exposed.
Jensen smirked. “You can tell me to piss off, if you think I am overstepping my boundaries here. But I hate anything that wipes that gorgeous smile off your face.”
“He was right to be worried,” Jared finally responded. “Julian was right. I really, really want you.” Jensen’s eyes darkened further and he pulled his bottom lip behind his teeth. Jared couldn’t tear his eyes away from the sight, as his heart rate quickened and fire started to course through his veins. His dick hardened in his pants.
“But you’ve not made a single move to do anything about it,” Jensen explained, his voice catching. “Which makes you an honourable, good man.”
Swallowing hard, Jared nodded.
“And I am going to be a monstrous douchebag now, and invite you back to my place, because, shit, Jare, I fucking want you too. But you are going to very politely and regretfully (I hope) turn me down because I am being quite inappropriate considering everything you’ve told me, and I’m not trying to make things more difficult for you, because, hell, that’s not fair, but I think you’re worth fighting for and if I have to fight dirty then I will do it.”
“Fuck, Jensen. Just lay it all out there, why don’t you?” Jared was beginning to sweat as his body temperature soared. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Lisa showing signs of interest again - hardly surprising considering the intensity of the conversation between them. He turned his attention back to his steak, going cold on the plate.
“I spent years not saying what I really thought,” Jensen answered quietly. “I have a new motto now - nothing ventured, nothing gained.”
“It’s an old motto,” Jared retorted trying to regain some equilibrium. He ventured his own quick glance back up to Jensen’s face, to find the other man smiling faintly, the heat beginning to fade.
“Not for me,” Jensen raised an eyebrow.
“Thank you,” Jared continued. “I would very much like to come home with you and indulge in all sorts of enjoyable pursuits but I have this complicated boyfriend situation at the moment and I am very sure that, whilst it might be fucking amazing, it would definitely be a mistake at this time. So thank you, but no.”
Jensen’s smile became broader, until it formed itself into a grin. He looked like a five year old.
“See, a good man,” he affirmed. “Well, if you change your mind…” and he sounded so artlessly like he had a few days ago when they were on St Martins that Jared had to grin back. “Ah, there’s those beautiful dimples…”
“Fuck off,” Jared spat back but with no real heat and Jensen burst out laughing. The last of the tension dissipated, and the meal resumed amidst light hearted flirting and banter.
Jared only felt a mild twinge of regret as they parted at the Castle gates later that evening, and then again later as he tugged at his dick in the shower thinking about the darkness in Jensen’s lust shot eyes.
He had said no tonight. He needed to get things straight with Julian, because he was pretty sure he would find saying no again impossible.
Day Nine: Jared starts to make things right
“Are you really sure about this?” Jared looked askance at Jensen.
There were clouds rolling quickly across the gradually lightening sky. They were thick and heavy, but with breaks that allowed Jared to see the pale violet of the sky behind. It looked as though it might rain at some point but it wasn’t the possible downpour that concerned Jared. The wind had picked up too, and was driving in from the west, straight across the thousands of miles of open Atlantic.
Jensen was dressed up in all weather gear, with heavy duty bags to protect his cameras, his face peering out under a black beanie. He looked excited and mischievous.
“You scared, Padalecki?” he taunted.
Rolling his eyes, Jared grabbed one of Jensen’s bags, then left him to clamber into the Yellow Rose by himself. It wasn’t easy, even in the relative shelter of the quay, due to the restless swell of the sea, and Jensen nearly overbalanced. Jared watched him, amused, as the other man cussed a little.
“It’s not that rough, is it?” Jensen asked, as the boat rocked again.
“I wouldn’t be going out if I thought it might be dangerous. It’s just a bit choppy, that’s all, and we’ll be in fairly protected waters for most of the way. Hope you don’t get seasick!”
Jensen grimaced. “Never spent a lot of time on boats so haven’t a clue. Got a bucket, just in case?” Jensen grinned, and then grinned wider when Jared smiled back, with the full force of his dimples.
“Try not to fall over board!” Jared warned. But the warning was unnecessary. The journey across to Bryher was definitely choppy, and they both laughed as the boat hit the waves hard, forcing a spray of water to arch over the boat and drench them, but in the shelter of the islands, the tossing of the boat was merely a fun-fair ride. The Yellow Rose’s engine pushed hard though, roaring over the sound of the waves whacking against the hull.
Bryher lay on the other side of the channel from Tresco, and through the gloom of the dawn, Jared was able to see New Grimsby on the other island. The quay, that Jared was aiming for, was a strange temporary looking affair, although it had been in existence since before Jared had ever arrived in the Isles - a relic of a philanthropic eighties TV programme. The tide was just far enough in for Jared to pull the Yellow Rose in, and would be fine for returning home although she would spend a fair amount of the day beached.
Jared looked up at the hills that made up the spine of the island and then up at the stormy sky.
“Best head over to Hell Bay first,” Jared said. “It’s pretty exposed over there, and the weather looks like its closing in further.”
Jensen squinted up at the mutinous looking clouds. He raised his eyebrows in question.
Laughing loudly, Jared tugged his companion off the boat. “It’s going to be an adventure,” he said with a smile.
***
And an adventure it was. Once they had reached the highest rise of the hills, the wind fought with them in earnest, blowing directly into their faces as they struggled to make their way down to the bay. The far side of Bryher faced the Atlantic and was notorious for being beaten by the sea. Hell Bay, their destination, wasn’t named after Lucifer’s kingdom for nothing. At his first sighting, Jensen just gawped. There were no cliffs to speak off, but the shore was rocky, and the sea simply swarmed over the grey stone, a frothing, seething chaos. The waves battered the rocks, throwing water high into the air, the air thundering with the sound of it. Coupled with the strong winds, it was breathtaking - literally.
They spent a long time getting Jensen into suitable places for good shots of the bay. Jensen proved to be a liability, always wanting to get closer, and not often listening to Jared’s yells of concern. Jared knew how easy it would be for one wave to sweep Jensen into the sea and toss him around the rocks like a ragdoll. Jensen seemed to have no comprehension of the dangers, scrambling against the gales to get ever nearer the mountainous waves. Jared screamed himself hoarse, and on one memorable occasion nearly toppled into the water himself. He blamed his soaked jeans on Jensen, vociferously and loudly. Jensen just laughed at Jared’s misfortunes, eyes dancing with exhilaration.
Their return to the sheltered side of the island was shocking with the sudden silence and relative warmth once they were out of the worst of the raging wind.
“That was amazing,” Jensen cried loudly, voice still unused to quiet after the howling of the wind and the roaring of the sea. Jared looked at him. His soft spikes of hair were stiff with salt water, his cheeks were reddened from the scouring of the wind, his eyes full of merriment and his smile broad. Jared thought he had never seen anything more beautiful.
They strolled down the concrete pathway back to the gentler side of the island, and spent some time wandering through narrow pathways between the small square fields until the rain, which had threatened to drown them all day became so heavy that it became untenable. They decamped to the boat, still beached up to wait for the tide.
The return journey was rougher as the storm gained traction. Jensen retreated to the cabin when Jared’s face become longer and more serious, as the Yellow Rose struggled to get out of the Tresco channel, engine screaming as she worked hard against the colossal waves.
The adventure ended as they reached the peace of St Mary’s harbour.
It was the best day Jared had had for some time, and even though he had barely thought for one moment except to wonder at the power of nature, and to ensure Jensen didn’t suffer for his impetuosity and curiosity, he arrived back home at least one of his issues resolved.
***
“I’m sorry,” Jared said again.
Julian glared at him, washed out eyes almost popping, and tears beginning to rise. Jared shifted uncomfortably on the bench desperately willing Julian to finally accept what Jared was saying and just go home.
“But…” Julian began to speak, but Jared had listened over and over to Julian’s arguments. He raised a hand.
“I’m sorry, but no. I am not going to change my mind. This isn’t about Jensen. It’s about you and me, and you and me will just not work. You are not what I want, and I think you know that I am not ever going to be right for you. So please, I’m sorry, but this is ending.”
Jared got up, and was immediately buffeted by the wind. It had stopped raining, so Jared had asked Julian to meet him at Porthcressa. The Beach was protected from most of the storm by the mass of The Garrison, and provided a neutral location for what Jared had to do.
Julian tentatively stretched out a hand, as if he meant to stop Jared, but dropped it when Jared took a step back. Jared shook his head then turned before Julian could start up his persuasions again, striding away from the beach back into town.
He felt like shit as he made his way home, but ultimately he slept more soundly than he had for over week, happy in the knowledge that he had done the right thing.
Back to the Masterpost Next
Jensen wanted to take photographs of puffins. So the following morning saw The Yellow Rose puttering out to the Eastern Isles in search of the sad eyed clown birds. Jared warned Jensen that they hadn’t seen a single puffin on the last nature trip the Ariana had taken, but the photographer just shrugged and told Jared they could go somewhere else if necessary.
Both Jared and Jensen were quiet on the journey out, but not with the awkward silence of yesterday’s journey. Jensen prepared his camera, while Jared guided the small boat around the rocky isles looking for the shy birds. Every now and then, they commented on the sights and sounds, but the quiet was companionable. It stayed quiet once they had found a small colony of puffins on Nournour. This time, Jensen stayed in The Yellow Rose whilst Jared tried his best to get the boat in as close as possible. There was a small beach on the island but the easiest access to the birds was from the sea, so Jared risked the glossy paintwork on the bow to bring The Yellow Rose as close into the rocks as he possibly could.
And then Jared watched.
Jensen worked efficiently, but thoughtfully. A small frown would appear on his brow in concentration, a small pink slither of tongue would appear between his lips, and Jared would be mesmerised. Jensen would then glance over and smile, the crinkles around his eyes fanning out, emphasising the sunlight reflecting in his gold-green eyes and Jared would be captivated. Jensen twisted and contorted his limbs to select the shot that represented his own view of the world - Jared knew from his viewing of Jensen’s pictures that his view was different from any other - and Jared was fascinated. Jensen was graceful as he moved about the boat and hung over the sides, rare in someone unused to being on the sea, and Jared felt a deep molten warmth in his belly. It wasn’t just Jensen’s beauty that had Jared enthralled. There was a joy exuding from every cell in Jensen’s body and an energy that could only come from someone who was utterly contented in who he was and in what he was doing.
Far from the angst and guilt of the day before, Jared felt relaxed and chilled. The sun was shining yet again, and the sea breeze kept the heat pleasant. The puffins were playful and funny, in their worried bustling; their comic antics keeping both men amused. Thoughts of Julian were pushed well back in his mind, and Jared just let it all be. He had debated with himself long and hard the night before, without really coming to any conclusion. However, he realise that he needed to stop being so hard on himself. He had a boyfriend - well, he had been dating and sleeping with someone for the last five weeks, but although it was the longest relationship he had ever had, it wasn’t exactly indicative of a high level of commitment. As long as he didn’t do anything that threatened his own integrity (he wasn’t that guy anymore), he could live with it. Maybe this thing with Jensen would turn into something more. Maybe it would be brief and temporary as Jensen was only going to be on the islands for another two weeks. But whatever it was, whatever happened, he would do what was right by Julian. There could be no harm in a fleeting flirtation. He still didn’t know what he wanted to do with his future, whether that was with or without Julian. And there was still a suspicion that his relationship with Jensen could be something more than ephemeral, but Jared was determined not to think too hard about that - it was too presumptuous.
So Jared just enjoyed being with a man who was kind on the eyes and whose passion for his work was evident in his every move.
Lunch was thick doorstep ham and cheese sandwiches and an apple. The two men ate whilst watching a group of seals haul themselves up from the sea onto the sun drenched rocks where the puffins had been bobbing to and fro.
“It’s a privilege, isn’t it?” Jensen uttered as they sipped at the coffee Jared had made on his small hob. Jared lifted an eyebrow. “Being here, having this opportunity. Not many people get to work in an environment like this.”
Jared agreed wholeheartedly. He was basically sat in his office - a small pleasure launch, rocking gently in the sapphire blue sea, the green, grey and white of the islands spread around him. But for all that beauty and calm, there were disadvantages to living on the Scillies.
“It’s not all sunshine,” Jared said in response.
Jensen leant back and stretched out his long legs, a tiny strip of white skin showing as his tee-shirt rode up. Jared tried very hard, but without success, not to notice.
“So what are the problems?” Jensen asked, looking directly and intensely at Jared. “Can’t see any downsides from here!”
Jared hummed.
“Well, the weather isn’t always this good,” he started. “Although it’s certainly better than the mainland.”
“I guess living in small community can get a bit tiresome…” Jensen encouraged Jared to continue.
“S’alright in the summer - lots of tourists, different faces. In the winter it’s basically just the islanders and a few hardy holiday makers. It can be a bit grim. And when the weather sets in… well, it can feel a little claustrophobic. I keep a freezer full in case the Gry Maritha can’t get in, and the planes are stopped.”
“Everybody knows your business?” Jensen asked, with a smirk.
“Don’t even try keeping secrets here,” Jared chuckled. “I think one of the reasons why I was made so welcome was because I gave plenty of meat to the gossipers - still do.”
“Really? What are they saying about you now?” Jensen asked curiously.
“Well, mostly they are talking about you, and how much time they think you’re spending with me. I have this reputation… bit of a man whore, you know. I’m afraid they are weaving you into my story now.”
Jensen frowned.
“But you have a boyfriend? Isn’t that causing trouble for you?”
Jared grimaced.
“I can’t imagine he’s happy about it, but it’s difficult to tell. He always seems cool about stuff. But it’s kind of a new thing - him and me. He knows my rep, though.”
“How’d you get together?”
“The council decided they needed a third police officer. He came last autumn. Not exactly a large gay community here, you know. I don’t usually date islanders - nowhere to go if things turn to shit. But he was relentless. I’m pretty sure he was warned off though. It didn’t stop him.”
“He wore you down,” Jensen grinned, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes.
“Kind’a,” Jared shrugged. “But he’s a good guy, and…” Jared drifted into silence for a while. “I don’t know. Maybe because I’m getting older, but I’m beginning to want more than just a quick fuck. I know, I know, the good citizens of St Mary’s will die of surprise hearing that, but if I am going to stay then…”
“You think you are going to have to settle, if you want to stay here. Doesn’t seem fair on the good guy police officer,” Jensen tipped his head to one side as he spoke. Jared felt uncomfortable under his serious regard. “Is that some of the reason why you’re thinking of leaving?”
“Maybe, partly. What the hell do I know? It’s all a confused mess in here,” Jared tapped his head.
“So why are you scared of commitment?” Jensen pushed.
“I’m not, or at least I don’t think I am. Just haven’t wanted it. There’s an endless stream of young beautiful things coming to the islands. I like sex. It’s a no brainer. Never needed anything more.”
“Until, maybe, now.”
“Getting older, as I said.”
Jensen got up and put his cup in the small sink. Then he turned to pick up his camera. Jared watched him again. It seemed like there was never a minute when he wasn’t watching him.
“What about you?” He suspected that Jensen must be single. Jared didn’t think that Jensen seemed to be the type of person who would mess around with other men if he had someone at home but, then, he didn’t really know Jensen that well.
“Had a partner - for ten years. He left along with the regular wages,” Jensen shook his head at Jared’s exclamation. “It’s okay. Bit of a shock. Well, a massive shock really. Wasn’t the most exciting relationship in the world, but still, wasn’t expecting that. Better to have found out he was bastard now than at my retirement party. Been a few hook-ups since. But… well… not really into that too much. I guess I’m the commitment, settling type.” He grinned at Jared.
“That won’t be easy if you’re travelling the world for your art,” Jared concluded.
“No, but the photography takes priority at the moment,” Jensen agreed.
“So your pass at me the other day was desperation due to a long dry spell?” Jared chuckled.
“Not quite,” Jensen answered swiftly, but he coloured and looked down at the floor briefly before looking back up through his lashes at Jared.
They stared at each other for a few moments.
Breath caught in his throat, Jared felt his chest constrict, his heart swell. The want, want, want that he had been dampening all morning, started rising from his core. He shifted uncomfortably, but knew that Jensen had noticed. There was a very dark gleam in his eyes that signalled his intent and made Jared instantly hard.
But neither of them were that kind of guy.
Jensen took a deep breath and turned back to the islands, and the puffins.
Jared gave himself a mental telling off and then got busy finding little jobs on the Yellow Rose.
***
A few moments later and the tension had died away to something more manageable. Jensen offered his spare camera to Jared and started giving him hints on good picture taking. The afternoon, therefore, passed swiftly and in a friendly manner, the cameras offering a workable barrier between them, and allowing them to put the sexual tension on hold.
There was a brief moment of indecision before they parted at the bottom of the climb to The Garrison. A moment of almost and nearly. But Jared’s long legs counted out his strides back to his cottage in Porth Loo, and he tried desperately to school his thoughts away from the ‘what ifs’.
There weren’t any plans for the next day. Jensen had a meeting with his contacts at the council and the Duchy to show them his work so far, so planned to work on St Mary’s, perhaps to walk out to Penninis Head in the afternoon and take some shots from there. So, knowing he had a free day, and after much searching of his conscience, Jared made a phone call and arranged a lunch date.
Day Eight: The day of two dates
Julian grinned as soon as he saw Jared and made his way through the tables until he stood right by Jared.
“Good table,” he said and then bent to kiss Jared.
“I’ve been here for hours, waiting until it came free,” Jared joked. The terrace out the back of The Atlantic was small but had an unparalleled view of the harbour on St. Marys and across the bay to Porth Loo. From there, Jared could see his own little cottage, his Uncle busy on the Ariana out in the harbour, and the broad white stern of the Scillonian. Even this early in the season, the tables out here were in demand, hence the joke. He hadn’t waited for long, but had been incredibly lucky to find the corner table free as he strolled in for his date with Julian.
“I can’t drink,” Julian said. “Doug’s gone off sick, so I’ll have to go back on shift this afternoon. Got about an hour! Sorry.”
“That’s a shame,” Jared said. “Was kind of hoping that I could persuade you to come out on the boat with me this afternoon.”
Julian’s pale face registered disappointment.
“Sorry. Another time,” came his answer. “So how have things been?”
“Good,” Jared said.
“You’ve been out early and getting back late,” Julian prompted as he looked over the menu.
“Yeah, Jensen likes the light of early morning and just before sunset. It’s some photographer thing,” Jared answered trying to appear nonchalant. The sharp look he received in return suggested that he wasn’t fooling Julian so he did the best thing possible, and tried to change the subject.
He listened attentively to Julian’s stories of missing goats, graffiti on the public toilet doors, and complaints of too much noise from The Bishop and Wolf. He laughed in all the right places, and Julian seemed to relax. But something was missing.
Julian, like Jensen, was doing a job he enjoyed. He liked helping people and preferred the more mundane aspects of police work on the Scillies to the more crime filled towns and cities on the mainland. But compared to Jensen’s life and energy, there was a flatness and dullness about Julian. Jared hated himself for comparing the two men - it wasn’t fair on either of them, but it particularly was unfair to Julian, who hadn’t done anything wrong. Jensen was right about one thing. Staying with Julian was ‘settling’ or whatever term Jensen used to describe it. And, maybe it was the root of all of Jared’s dissatisfaction. He was pretty confident he was outgrowing his promiscuity but hadn’t been able to find an alternative within the community of Scilly. Julian was, perhaps, his only choice. He liked the man. He really did. Perhaps he could learn to love him even. But Julian didn’t make his pulse race in the way that Jensen did, and Jared was the type to need some excitement in his life even if he had sequestered himself away on one of the quietest places on earth.
He sat through the meal, slowly coming to the conclusion that he had to break things up with Julian. Perhaps then he could start straightening his muddled thoughts, and finally find some peace. He was aware that Jensen’s presence might make that difficult for the next couple of weeks, but he couldn’t justify stringing Julian along anymore.
A questioning tone finally drew him back into the present.
“Sorry,” he mumbled.
“You do know what they are saying about you and that photographer,” Julian asked again, pale eyes searching. Shit, Julian had obviously run out of the minutiae of crime fighting in Hugh Town.
“I can guess,” Jared answered.
“You are spending hours with him every day, beyond the scrutiny of anyone,” Julian pressed, obviously not wanting to drop the subject this time.
“Yeah, well, they started talking ‘bout me when I first got here and haven’t stopped since. Not everything is true,” Jared responded.
“Is this?”
“Is what?” Jared countered.
“You and Jensen,” Julian said firmly.
“I am not fucking Jensen,” Jared said accurately. He felt anger beginning to rise. This was a new experience for him. He’d never had a relationship long enough for someone to accuse him of being unfaithful, and he had worked very hard not to give in to his lust for the photographer. He felt a little aggrieved.
“Do you want to?” Julian asked, his face impassive.
“Why are you listening to these petty gossipers,” Jared spoke loudly allowing his irritation to show. Julian looked uncomfortably about him. Some attention was now being shown to them. Jared shut his mouth and stared out at the sea.
“It’s okay if you do. I know your history, Jared, and I am not stupid. It took me long enough to get you to agree to go out with me in the first place, so I am pretty aware this isn’t some great love affair of the century for you. He’s not around for long, if you need to scratch some itch…”
Jared shifted his gaze back to the other man in surprise.
“Are you offering me..? What? What are you saying, Julian?” he blustered.
“Look, I like you, Jared. Really like you. In fact I think I am in love with you. But you have spent your whole life like a butterfly fluttering from man to man. I don’t expect for you to change overnight. And I’m just saying… I want you to know, if you want Jensen, then that’s fine. Because at the end of the season - hell, even in a couple of week’s time - he’ll be gone, and I’ll still be here. Maybe, eventually, you’ll grow to feel the same way about me as I feel about you, but until then, I’ll accept a more open relationship.” There was a hint of a pleading tone by the end of his speech but Jared couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
“Do you think so little of yourself that you’re prepared to make an offer like that?” Jared asked utterly bewildered. “Do you honestly think I am the kind of person that would do that to you? I think you are belittling us both in that case.”
Julian was beginning to frown, realising that he had taken a misstep.
“I am not fucking Jensen Ackles,” Jared reiterated.
“But you want to,” Julian didn’t know when to back down.
Jared just stared at him.
“Yes,” he said honestly. “I want to. But that doesn’t mean I will. Just because I’ve slept around in the past doesn’t mean I’m going to be faithless now. I do understand loyalty, and what it means to be in a relationship even if I haven’t ever done it before.”
Allowing his anger to cool, Jared watched as a shadow of distress passed across Julian’s features.
“I’m sorry,” the policeman offered after a few moments of silence. “I just… I wanted… I guess I just wanted to find a way of keeping you. I’ve seen him, and I can see why you’re drawn to him. I can’t compete against him. But I will be here after the summer, and he’ll be gone, and… I just… I suppose I thought…”
“There is no way I would keep you dangling while I chased after every bit of tail that passed my fancy. No way,” Jared said firmly.
“Where does this leave us, then?”
“Honestly? I dunno,” Jared said. He threw some notes on the table, as he rose. No wonder, Julian had seemed cool with the time he was spending with Jensen if he was thinking along these lines. Jared just wanted to tell Julian to fuck off, that it was over, but he didn’t want to do it while he was still angry. He opted to give them both some time.
“Look. I need some space - do some thinking. I don’t know what I want at the moment, Julian, and there’s all sorts of shit in my head, only some of which is you and Jensen. I promise I won’t do anything without talking to you first. But you need to take some time too - what do you really want? Do you really want to wait around as second best? I’ll give you a call.”
“Are you going to him?” Julian asked, eyes wide.
“No,” Jared stated. “Not like you think. But neither am I going to stop working with him.”
Jared left without looking behind him, feeling dry-mouthed and sick to his stomach.
***
He ambled without purpose around the town until he found himself stalking through the allotments heading up towards Penninis Head. It had been a long time since anyone had questioned his integrity, whatever they thought of his sexual morals, and he felt nauseous thinking anyone could think he was the kind of man who would sleep around behind a boyfriend’s back, particularly since he had worked very hard to resist the temptations that Jensen could offer. Distressed and unhappy, he wound his way around the bay until he was climbing up to the head.
The wind was stiffer, and colder on the headland. He walked towards the lighthouse, then beyond it to the cliff edge, hair blowing in the breeze. The headland wasn’t particularly high but the giant piles of stone made it an impressive place. The Scillies were still enjoying good weather but Jared had been up here when the pounding Atlantic waves crashed right over the headland. It was exhilarating then. It was another one of Jared’s favourite places, somewhere he came when he needed to be reminded that there are greater forces in the world than his own petty issues. There were a couple of other places on the islands that gave him different kinds of comfort, but this was the place he needed when he needed taking out of himself. He found his favourite rock and climbed it. From the top he could see back towards Hugh Town, and forwards to the wide open sea. Some of his distress faded, but his mind started turning over and over.
He sat for a long time, looking at the view and looking at nothing in particular, trying to make sense of what was in his head. Perhaps it would be better if he did leave. He didn’t have to return to Texas if he didn’t want to. He could go anywhere.
Jared had no idea how long he had been sitting there when, suddenly, a movement caught his eye. Disengaging from his thoughts he looked down to find Jensen, in a pair of blue jeans and another of his band tee-shirts, camera slung about his neck, smiling back at him.
“I’ve been standing here for ten minutes,” he called up. “Where’d your mind drift off to, eh, Padalecki?”
Jared had forgotten Jensen’s plans to come up to the Head today, so the sight of him, after such a tumultuous afternoon, caused a sudden wave of emotion. He swallowed hard and blinked away his tears.
“What’s up?” Jensen asked instantly sobering. Jared shook his head, but scrambled down the rock. Jensen was all concern, hand beginning to reach out as Jared made the short leap to the springy, grassy turf. Jared shook his head again, still unable to speak.
“Hope you don’t mind, but I’ve been taking shots of you all this while.” A small, gentle smile played about Jensen’s lips. “You looked magnificent up there, like some pagan king surveying his kingdom!”
The absurdity finally brought Jared back to himself.
“I wanna get some shots of the cliffs but from below. You got any time to show me how to get down there without breaking my neck?”
***
They stayed out on the head until the sky started to darken. Jensen didn’t ask any more questions but Jared was aware of the quick, sharp looks of concern that Jensen threw his way. Jared guided Jensen around the rocks, carried one of his bags, and on one memorable occasion held his feet as Jensen hung over a rocky ledge. The man’s dedication to his art was monumental, and quite a bit risky too.
On their way back to Hugh Town, Jensen invited Jared to dinner.
“I’ve booked a table at Star Castle,” he said. “I’m pretty sure they’ll be happy to accommodate you.”
Jared started to refuse. It wasn’t cheap to eat at the Castle and Jared wasn’t flushed with funds.
“It’s on me,” Jensen interrupted. “Or rather, it’s on the Duchy. No strings. Just a couple of mates, yeah?”
Mates? Really?
But Jared found himself agreeing to go anyway.
***
“How did the meeting go?” Jared asked, trying to cover his embarrassment. Jensen had met him on the steps to Star Castle Hotel and Restaurant with such a look of approval that Jared had instantly coloured up. He knew he looked good - he’d bought his suit from Penzance for one of the recent weddings - and its dark grey material fitted him well - but Jensen’s eyes were like fire as they devoured his form. There was nothing ambiguous in his look, but, gratifyingly, as Jared still hadn’t quite come to terms with his lunch time conversation with Julian, he didn’t touch. Jared was pretty sure that Jensen wanted to though, and appreciated the effort. Jensen looked equally as good. His lighter suit was cut very well and fitted him like a glove.
“It was good. They liked what I’ve done so far,” Jensen smiled, eyes still tracking across Jared’s broad shoulders. They walked through the gateway, and up the tunnel weaving their way in past the thick stone walls, to find the front door of the residence.
Star Castle was a Tudor fortification built on the pinnacle of The Garrison. It overlooked Hugh Town and the harbour, and was shaped like an eight pointed star. The beautifully proportioned house, swallowed by heavy bastions, was now, incongruously, one of the best hotels on the islands. The food was always very good, although Jared rarely had the funds to afford to eat there often.
The head waiter listened politely as Jensen explained Jared’s unexpected presence. Jared didn’t recognise him which wasn’t surprising because a lot of the hotels had to recruit additional staff in the summer, and most of them came from the Mainland or even further afield. However, Lisa Mumford, Jamie’s young wife, was also working and her eyes went wide when she saw Jared, then flicked between him and Jensen. They were taken to their table in the corner of the restaurant accompanied by stares. Feeling more and more awkward by the minute, Jared started to wonder if he had made a mistake in accepting Jensen’s offer. It wouldn’t take long for word to get around the community. It was one thing for Jared to be spending time with the photographer during the day - that could be explained away as work - but another to turn up for dinner, dressed in suits.
With the perspicacity that Jared admired, Jensen seemed to pick up on Jared’s uneasiness, and he turned down the flirting and admiring glances. Ordering a bottle of the house red, they washed down the first course with fine wine and made plans for the following days. Lisa finally stopped trying to listen in on the conversation, when it appeared that the meal was nothing more than a business meeting and then Jared could finally relax.
“Sorry, I didn’t think.” Jensen finally said as they were waiting for their main course. “I guess this could cause some trouble for you.”
He looked so dreadfully sincere, that Jared took pity.
“Not your responsibility. I could have said no,” Jared answered smoothly, the warmth of the wine comforting his somewhat bruised nerves. “It’s not like this is a date, or anything.”
“No,” Jensen returned unconvinced. “But it sure looks like it could be!” He picked at the lapels of his suit as if that explained everything.
“Doesn’t matter anyway,” Jared then continued. “I can do what I bloody well please and everyone else can go hang themselves.”
With a look of surprise, Jensen leaned back in his chair.
“Are you okay?” he asked, with the same concern he had shown on Penninis Head a few hours earlier. Jared was about to answer, when his steak, and Jensen’s fish arrived. He forked a couple of mouthfuls in before finally finding himself answering. And once he had started he couldn’t stop. Jensen slowly continued eating but listened attentively as Jared explained about his lunch time date with Julian, about the offer Julian had made to him, about how he felt about that offer.
By the time Jared had finished, Jensen was looking at him very seriously.
“You seem more upset because he assumed you’d be fucking around, than about the possible end of your relationship,” he finally said in answer to Jared’s outpouring.
Jared opened his mouth to speak, but then shut it again. Jensen was right, as usual.
“I’m not that man, not anymore,” he finally answered.
“It’s been how many years since you left Texas? And you are still defining yourself by what you were then, or rather defining yourself as not being what you were then, if you catch my drift. UT, the mistakes you made there were the result of circumstances. You were betrayed by the people you thought should love you the best, and you were naturally angry and confused and hurt. And you were very young, Jared. Everyone makes mistakes, doesn’t mean that you are any less an honourable man. Give yourself a break,” Jensen focussed on Jared’s face, his eyes almost dark green in the dim light of the room. “Everyone I have spoken to has good words about you. How much you help around the community, how much of an asset you are. So much so that it’s like they’re trying to sell you to me… I’ve seen with my own eyes how happy you make people, how thoughtful and kind you are. You are a good man. Not because you made mistakes but because this is what you naturally are. Leave Texas behind you - stop letting it dictate your own sense of self-worth. And don’t let the gossip and some small minded man make you doubt yourself either. You are a good man.”
“Studied psychology alongside that accountancy degree, did you?” Jared retorted, but a little gingerly. Jensen’s words had made him fill so full, so exposed.
Jensen smirked. “You can tell me to piss off, if you think I am overstepping my boundaries here. But I hate anything that wipes that gorgeous smile off your face.”
“He was right to be worried,” Jared finally responded. “Julian was right. I really, really want you.” Jensen’s eyes darkened further and he pulled his bottom lip behind his teeth. Jared couldn’t tear his eyes away from the sight, as his heart rate quickened and fire started to course through his veins. His dick hardened in his pants.
“But you’ve not made a single move to do anything about it,” Jensen explained, his voice catching. “Which makes you an honourable, good man.”
Swallowing hard, Jared nodded.
“And I am going to be a monstrous douchebag now, and invite you back to my place, because, shit, Jare, I fucking want you too. But you are going to very politely and regretfully (I hope) turn me down because I am being quite inappropriate considering everything you’ve told me, and I’m not trying to make things more difficult for you, because, hell, that’s not fair, but I think you’re worth fighting for and if I have to fight dirty then I will do it.”
“Fuck, Jensen. Just lay it all out there, why don’t you?” Jared was beginning to sweat as his body temperature soared. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Lisa showing signs of interest again - hardly surprising considering the intensity of the conversation between them. He turned his attention back to his steak, going cold on the plate.
“I spent years not saying what I really thought,” Jensen answered quietly. “I have a new motto now - nothing ventured, nothing gained.”
“It’s an old motto,” Jared retorted trying to regain some equilibrium. He ventured his own quick glance back up to Jensen’s face, to find the other man smiling faintly, the heat beginning to fade.
“Not for me,” Jensen raised an eyebrow.
“Thank you,” Jared continued. “I would very much like to come home with you and indulge in all sorts of enjoyable pursuits but I have this complicated boyfriend situation at the moment and I am very sure that, whilst it might be fucking amazing, it would definitely be a mistake at this time. So thank you, but no.”
Jensen’s smile became broader, until it formed itself into a grin. He looked like a five year old.
“See, a good man,” he affirmed. “Well, if you change your mind…” and he sounded so artlessly like he had a few days ago when they were on St Martins that Jared had to grin back. “Ah, there’s those beautiful dimples…”
“Fuck off,” Jared spat back but with no real heat and Jensen burst out laughing. The last of the tension dissipated, and the meal resumed amidst light hearted flirting and banter.
Jared only felt a mild twinge of regret as they parted at the Castle gates later that evening, and then again later as he tugged at his dick in the shower thinking about the darkness in Jensen’s lust shot eyes.
He had said no tonight. He needed to get things straight with Julian, because he was pretty sure he would find saying no again impossible.
Day Nine: Jared starts to make things right
“Are you really sure about this?” Jared looked askance at Jensen.
There were clouds rolling quickly across the gradually lightening sky. They were thick and heavy, but with breaks that allowed Jared to see the pale violet of the sky behind. It looked as though it might rain at some point but it wasn’t the possible downpour that concerned Jared. The wind had picked up too, and was driving in from the west, straight across the thousands of miles of open Atlantic.
Jensen was dressed up in all weather gear, with heavy duty bags to protect his cameras, his face peering out under a black beanie. He looked excited and mischievous.
“You scared, Padalecki?” he taunted.
Rolling his eyes, Jared grabbed one of Jensen’s bags, then left him to clamber into the Yellow Rose by himself. It wasn’t easy, even in the relative shelter of the quay, due to the restless swell of the sea, and Jensen nearly overbalanced. Jared watched him, amused, as the other man cussed a little.
“It’s not that rough, is it?” Jensen asked, as the boat rocked again.
“I wouldn’t be going out if I thought it might be dangerous. It’s just a bit choppy, that’s all, and we’ll be in fairly protected waters for most of the way. Hope you don’t get seasick!”
Jensen grimaced. “Never spent a lot of time on boats so haven’t a clue. Got a bucket, just in case?” Jensen grinned, and then grinned wider when Jared smiled back, with the full force of his dimples.
“Try not to fall over board!” Jared warned. But the warning was unnecessary. The journey across to Bryher was definitely choppy, and they both laughed as the boat hit the waves hard, forcing a spray of water to arch over the boat and drench them, but in the shelter of the islands, the tossing of the boat was merely a fun-fair ride. The Yellow Rose’s engine pushed hard though, roaring over the sound of the waves whacking against the hull.
Bryher lay on the other side of the channel from Tresco, and through the gloom of the dawn, Jared was able to see New Grimsby on the other island. The quay, that Jared was aiming for, was a strange temporary looking affair, although it had been in existence since before Jared had ever arrived in the Isles - a relic of a philanthropic eighties TV programme. The tide was just far enough in for Jared to pull the Yellow Rose in, and would be fine for returning home although she would spend a fair amount of the day beached.
Jared looked up at the hills that made up the spine of the island and then up at the stormy sky.
“Best head over to Hell Bay first,” Jared said. “It’s pretty exposed over there, and the weather looks like its closing in further.”
Jensen squinted up at the mutinous looking clouds. He raised his eyebrows in question.
Laughing loudly, Jared tugged his companion off the boat. “It’s going to be an adventure,” he said with a smile.
***
And an adventure it was. Once they had reached the highest rise of the hills, the wind fought with them in earnest, blowing directly into their faces as they struggled to make their way down to the bay. The far side of Bryher faced the Atlantic and was notorious for being beaten by the sea. Hell Bay, their destination, wasn’t named after Lucifer’s kingdom for nothing. At his first sighting, Jensen just gawped. There were no cliffs to speak off, but the shore was rocky, and the sea simply swarmed over the grey stone, a frothing, seething chaos. The waves battered the rocks, throwing water high into the air, the air thundering with the sound of it. Coupled with the strong winds, it was breathtaking - literally.
They spent a long time getting Jensen into suitable places for good shots of the bay. Jensen proved to be a liability, always wanting to get closer, and not often listening to Jared’s yells of concern. Jared knew how easy it would be for one wave to sweep Jensen into the sea and toss him around the rocks like a ragdoll. Jensen seemed to have no comprehension of the dangers, scrambling against the gales to get ever nearer the mountainous waves. Jared screamed himself hoarse, and on one memorable occasion nearly toppled into the water himself. He blamed his soaked jeans on Jensen, vociferously and loudly. Jensen just laughed at Jared’s misfortunes, eyes dancing with exhilaration.
Their return to the sheltered side of the island was shocking with the sudden silence and relative warmth once they were out of the worst of the raging wind.
“That was amazing,” Jensen cried loudly, voice still unused to quiet after the howling of the wind and the roaring of the sea. Jared looked at him. His soft spikes of hair were stiff with salt water, his cheeks were reddened from the scouring of the wind, his eyes full of merriment and his smile broad. Jared thought he had never seen anything more beautiful.
They strolled down the concrete pathway back to the gentler side of the island, and spent some time wandering through narrow pathways between the small square fields until the rain, which had threatened to drown them all day became so heavy that it became untenable. They decamped to the boat, still beached up to wait for the tide.
The return journey was rougher as the storm gained traction. Jensen retreated to the cabin when Jared’s face become longer and more serious, as the Yellow Rose struggled to get out of the Tresco channel, engine screaming as she worked hard against the colossal waves.
The adventure ended as they reached the peace of St Mary’s harbour.
It was the best day Jared had had for some time, and even though he had barely thought for one moment except to wonder at the power of nature, and to ensure Jensen didn’t suffer for his impetuosity and curiosity, he arrived back home at least one of his issues resolved.
***
“I’m sorry,” Jared said again.
Julian glared at him, washed out eyes almost popping, and tears beginning to rise. Jared shifted uncomfortably on the bench desperately willing Julian to finally accept what Jared was saying and just go home.
“But…” Julian began to speak, but Jared had listened over and over to Julian’s arguments. He raised a hand.
“I’m sorry, but no. I am not going to change my mind. This isn’t about Jensen. It’s about you and me, and you and me will just not work. You are not what I want, and I think you know that I am not ever going to be right for you. So please, I’m sorry, but this is ending.”
Jared got up, and was immediately buffeted by the wind. It had stopped raining, so Jared had asked Julian to meet him at Porthcressa. The Beach was protected from most of the storm by the mass of The Garrison, and provided a neutral location for what Jared had to do.
Julian tentatively stretched out a hand, as if he meant to stop Jared, but dropped it when Jared took a step back. Jared shook his head then turned before Julian could start up his persuasions again, striding away from the beach back into town.
He felt like shit as he made his way home, but ultimately he slept more soundly than he had for over week, happy in the knowledge that he had done the right thing.
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