Between a Rock and a very, VERY Hard Place
I sit and I think about my attitude for the past 3 weeks. The one that started right before I got drug into that hellacious jury trial that took 9 days of my life away from me, but was intriguing to say the least.
Which attitude? You know the one I'm talking about. The "Screw everything" attitude I've been carrying. It wasn't a publicity stunt. I wasn't asking or begging for attention, but apparently, I got it nonetheless.
To what extent? To the extent of my coworkers asking if they could set me up with relatives and daughters. Ummm... NO! What part of "I want nothing to do with that" do you not understand?
But, at the same time, I got to thinking... Is it fair that I should hold a whole world accountable for what has happened to me due to a few people's actions? Not really, but does it make me want to forgo this outlook. A resounding "NOOOOOO!" comes to mind. Yes, it's unfair that I should be somewhat placid towards women that might honestly and genuinely be good. But, after all that's happened, why would I want to take another risk on getting trampled again?
There are three things in this world that I do not handle well. Praise. Rejection. and Hurt.
Praise I shy away from and put it on other people because I do not feel I am doing enough as it is to be deserving of it.
Rejection and Hurt are the 2 things I have had more of in the last 3 years than I think I've ever dealt with before combined. It's been one bad turn after another since I've been up here. In all honesty, anyone that's had to deal with that will understand that it makes a person very gunshy moving forward.
I am not saying that I have forsaken all hope for myself. Quite the contrary. But, it's going to take one hell of a special person to really make me change my stance at this time. I will remain distant and all friendly like until someone can actually prove to me that I am not getting set up like Pooh Bear stuck in Rabbit's hole because I ate too much honey and waiting for Sora to come along with a Keyblade and free me by ramming it up my Pooh hole. ((~LOL~ Sorry. That was a joke I came up with while watching my sister play Kingdom Hearts today)).
But, seriously. I can't see bearing myself so openly again when I will sit there and wait for the other shoe to drop and find out that someone I thought was a friend is actually fucking my girlfriend when I'm not around. That I won't be told so many things only to be passed over for another option. That they aren't some psycho that will camp out at a neighboring car wash and wait for me to come home and call all the time or be all tripped out about anything... I should start requesting full on essays or dissertations up front on why I should start seeing someone. Maybe that application I see fly through my Bulletins every few months or so aren't such a bad idea afterall.
I guess I miss a time when I actually knew where I stood with someone. There were no games being played and people where honest with their thoughts and feelings and had a spine to actually act on what they felt.
Just wishful thinking, I'm sure.
Which attitude? You know the one I'm talking about. The "Screw everything" attitude I've been carrying. It wasn't a publicity stunt. I wasn't asking or begging for attention, but apparently, I got it nonetheless.
To what extent? To the extent of my coworkers asking if they could set me up with relatives and daughters. Ummm... NO! What part of "I want nothing to do with that" do you not understand?
But, at the same time, I got to thinking... Is it fair that I should hold a whole world accountable for what has happened to me due to a few people's actions? Not really, but does it make me want to forgo this outlook. A resounding "NOOOOOO!" comes to mind. Yes, it's unfair that I should be somewhat placid towards women that might honestly and genuinely be good. But, after all that's happened, why would I want to take another risk on getting trampled again?
There are three things in this world that I do not handle well. Praise. Rejection. and Hurt.
Praise I shy away from and put it on other people because I do not feel I am doing enough as it is to be deserving of it.
Rejection and Hurt are the 2 things I have had more of in the last 3 years than I think I've ever dealt with before combined. It's been one bad turn after another since I've been up here. In all honesty, anyone that's had to deal with that will understand that it makes a person very gunshy moving forward.
I am not saying that I have forsaken all hope for myself. Quite the contrary. But, it's going to take one hell of a special person to really make me change my stance at this time. I will remain distant and all friendly like until someone can actually prove to me that I am not getting set up like Pooh Bear stuck in Rabbit's hole because I ate too much honey and waiting for Sora to come along with a Keyblade and free me by ramming it up my Pooh hole. ((~LOL~ Sorry. That was a joke I came up with while watching my sister play Kingdom Hearts today)).
But, seriously. I can't see bearing myself so openly again when I will sit there and wait for the other shoe to drop and find out that someone I thought was a friend is actually fucking my girlfriend when I'm not around. That I won't be told so many things only to be passed over for another option. That they aren't some psycho that will camp out at a neighboring car wash and wait for me to come home and call all the time or be all tripped out about anything... I should start requesting full on essays or dissertations up front on why I should start seeing someone. Maybe that application I see fly through my Bulletins every few months or so aren't such a bad idea afterall.
I guess I miss a time when I actually knew where I stood with someone. There were no games being played and people where honest with their thoughts and feelings and had a spine to actually act on what they felt.
Just wishful thinking, I'm sure.