Take me to the pain....
To The Pain. One of the most profound CDs for myself. It won't speak to everyone, but there are many songs on that disc that tell my life story. It is why I spend so much time listening to it when I can.
Lately, I haven't had that sort of time.
It's been 2 weeks since I've logged in here much less said anything. I guess it's time for another update.
What's new with J? Damn good question... Damn good. Where do I begin?
I think I've reached a limit. In the miniscule time I actually have to myself, I have spent time thinking. Many of you were more or less concerned about my drinking (some have known longer than others). Well, that's been cut back substantially. I can no longer afford the discombobulation it affords me because of how I've started approaching work and my life as a whole at this time.
My stance on women: Fuck all of them. Yes... I am not the assertive type. I am not a dog. I don't hound you to fuck you. Hell, I'm almost of firm belief that I've outgrown sex in general. That being said, I don't hate you. But, now I guess I have just taken a new stance. Attention or not, I am not heeding it. I am not returning it. And in an all around stance right now, I don't even want it. I will remain cordial, but even though I am 30, well past any normal person having started a real family, even if only in marriage, I cannot afford the time and patience to get to know someone again. I know it sounds like I'm turning gay... Believe me, I am not. The thought of harry ballsacks and assholes isn't exactly my cup of tea. But, neither are the headgames, little games, constant judgement and scrutiny. I don't have the time or energy to make someone happy all of the time like I used to. My career is coming first because I want to move on from it, so until I feel confident that I have been doing my best job in my current position, I don't feel I can move on. Also, I want to think about school again. Those things mean that I have little time for anything else and honestly, that's okay with me. In having someone around at work now that we're fully staffed, I guess I find that loneliness is preferable to constant attention. Of course, those that know me are rolling your eyes (like I am) and thinking "Yay. The next flavour of the week". And it might be. It might not. But, for that stance to change, a few things will need to happen. Namely, effort and being completely transcendent where after hearing the first paragraph spouted from your mouth, I haven't already found things wrong that will ultimately lead me to say the following (as I've taken to recently): "I do not want to waste your time or mine". So yeah... That's the mindset for this moment.
On to more current events. After having a rather good laugh about this whole Carr thing and his imaginary connection to JonBenet and the resounding cluster fuck that followed in Boulder, I have been selected as an actual juror in a rather nasty case. I am batting a thousand for my summoned for jury duty/actually becoming a juror ratio and I happened to get my jury cherry popped in a rather viscious way. This case is guaranteed to last 10 days in court minimum and after the 1st day (today), I can see why that is. There's a lot. Missing pieces that neither side seem to catch or question that I think about as a possible factor... Things contradicting, even within testimony.... You name it... This will be like finding a needle within a stack of needles (line borrowed from Saving Private Ryan). I will admit that it's interesting though, even if I find that having to do this is still very inconvenient. It throws a kink in many other plans I've made, but it's a welcome distraction from the norm in a way. And on top of that, I can honestly say that in 1 day, I think I've taken more notes than I ever did in an entire semester of class. I only hope that my sanity with the judicial system and intelligence can stand up to the challenge.
I miss certain people in my life and I wish I had more time for them. They would be very welcome right now as well...
I guess that's about it.
Lately, I haven't had that sort of time.
It's been 2 weeks since I've logged in here much less said anything. I guess it's time for another update.
What's new with J? Damn good question... Damn good. Where do I begin?
I think I've reached a limit. In the miniscule time I actually have to myself, I have spent time thinking. Many of you were more or less concerned about my drinking (some have known longer than others). Well, that's been cut back substantially. I can no longer afford the discombobulation it affords me because of how I've started approaching work and my life as a whole at this time.
My stance on women: Fuck all of them. Yes... I am not the assertive type. I am not a dog. I don't hound you to fuck you. Hell, I'm almost of firm belief that I've outgrown sex in general. That being said, I don't hate you. But, now I guess I have just taken a new stance. Attention or not, I am not heeding it. I am not returning it. And in an all around stance right now, I don't even want it. I will remain cordial, but even though I am 30, well past any normal person having started a real family, even if only in marriage, I cannot afford the time and patience to get to know someone again. I know it sounds like I'm turning gay... Believe me, I am not. The thought of harry ballsacks and assholes isn't exactly my cup of tea. But, neither are the headgames, little games, constant judgement and scrutiny. I don't have the time or energy to make someone happy all of the time like I used to. My career is coming first because I want to move on from it, so until I feel confident that I have been doing my best job in my current position, I don't feel I can move on. Also, I want to think about school again. Those things mean that I have little time for anything else and honestly, that's okay with me. In having someone around at work now that we're fully staffed, I guess I find that loneliness is preferable to constant attention. Of course, those that know me are rolling your eyes (like I am) and thinking "Yay. The next flavour of the week". And it might be. It might not. But, for that stance to change, a few things will need to happen. Namely, effort and being completely transcendent where after hearing the first paragraph spouted from your mouth, I haven't already found things wrong that will ultimately lead me to say the following (as I've taken to recently): "I do not want to waste your time or mine". So yeah... That's the mindset for this moment.
On to more current events. After having a rather good laugh about this whole Carr thing and his imaginary connection to JonBenet and the resounding cluster fuck that followed in Boulder, I have been selected as an actual juror in a rather nasty case. I am batting a thousand for my summoned for jury duty/actually becoming a juror ratio and I happened to get my jury cherry popped in a rather viscious way. This case is guaranteed to last 10 days in court minimum and after the 1st day (today), I can see why that is. There's a lot. Missing pieces that neither side seem to catch or question that I think about as a possible factor... Things contradicting, even within testimony.... You name it... This will be like finding a needle within a stack of needles (line borrowed from Saving Private Ryan). I will admit that it's interesting though, even if I find that having to do this is still very inconvenient. It throws a kink in many other plans I've made, but it's a welcome distraction from the norm in a way. And on top of that, I can honestly say that in 1 day, I think I've taken more notes than I ever did in an entire semester of class. I only hope that my sanity with the judicial system and intelligence can stand up to the challenge.
I miss certain people in my life and I wish I had more time for them. They would be very welcome right now as well...
I guess that's about it.