My query weary.....

[jtucktattoo]

So here is the query I am sending out. I have of course edited out the contact info, simply because anyone who needs to contact me already can, all others use LJ. This is just for your amusement. If you want to critique it feel free

Comments

[dpeterfreund]

There's some overkill here, way too much time spent on the initial set up that doesn't, in the end, have much bearing on the plot, and that title is going to scare anyone off. Additionally, there's no explanation why the story is named after some OTHER character when Deacon is the supposedly the main character.

So basically, someone coming to the story fresh gets: "Bad ass monster killer with dreadful backstory is hired by a vampire to kill someone and so then kills the vampire and then goes to meet the guy he's supposed to kill, you know, to let him know, and then finds out he's a loser but that he's also been set up and then he kills all those vampires and then..."

Um.... yeah. Then the story starts? There is a WAY less convoluted way to get into what the actual story is, and to explain why you are calling the book after some loser who, as written, we wonder if he survives the first chapter. Do they join forces? Is this a bad-ass/goofball buddy sory? Does he pretend to be Nyteblade because Nyte has the rep and Deacon has the know-how? Is this a Remington Steele kind of thing? There's no clue in the actual query.

By the way, the question is NOT a "rhetorical" one. A rhetorical question is when the answer is obvious. here, the fact that the answer is NOT obvious is the whole point. It's the whole point of the story -- why is someone doing this? Why is someone after him? who? etc.

Nevertheless, it still doesn't belong here.

Now, onto this:
"concisely written, action-packed, dark urban fantasy tale. It is set in a rich and varied supernatural world and contains a new origin for vampires I have never seen before."

No. Cut it ALL. It is not your place in the query to make qualitative comments about your own work. Additionally, all "I've never seen before" signals to an industry pro is that you aren't well-read. Let THEM decide that you have a really original vampire premise. The most I would put is "unusual origin for vampires" -- you want to get across "something a little different" -- because if they decide that it's something similar to something else (and you would be surprised what someone might consider similar to something else) you not only lose all credibility, but you're annoying them straight off the bat. The automatic response to this kind of claim is "oh yeah? Doubt it."

You're better off saying it's an action packed urban fantasy with an unusual vampire origin story.

Now, the title:
NYTEBLADE: DEACON CHALK OCCULT BOUNTY-HUNTER BOOK ONE

Is going to scare every agent for miles. Call it NYTEBLADE (if you can adequately explain why a book about Deacon is called that, otherwise, change the title, becuase the book MUST stand on its own) and then later, make some sort of comment about how you could easily envision writing more stories about Deacon Chalk, occult bounty hunter.

The query letter is NOT the place to name other titles, especially if the subtitle is seven words long. It's a waste of space and it's more than a little intimidating. Also, you don't need to offer every permutation of every chapter of your novel. They assume that if the full manuscript is available, sample chapters are also available.

[moonwolf23]

Sticks out tongue

Yeah I was thinking this, only not as well put.

sighs.

[sandy_williams]

Ah, you're right. It isn't a rhetorical question; just a question which confused me. :-)