Dilemma

[jttttttt]

Ok,so I have a dilemma. My boyfriend's ex-wife is coming to town next weekend and I don't know that I want to meet her. They were together for 7 years and we've only been dating for 4 months. Is it acceptable for me to be too "busy" to meet her? Maybe I should take an emergency trip out of town? The very thought makes me want to vomit from anxiety

Comments

Wanting to vomit from anxiety

[spk1121]

Personally, I don't blame you one bit. Meeting his family at this point would be nerve-racking enough, let alone an ex! Not just an ex-girlfriend, but the ex-wife! I'm glad they still get along, but I can't imagine that would anything but awkward for you. Maybe if you had been going out for a year or so, you might be interested in knowing more about his other relationships. As it is, you're just getting to know him!

I guess I would address the situation depending on your comfort level with Terence. If you feel like you can be straightforward with him and tell him the thought of meeting the ex makes you extremely anxious, I would do that and hope he respects your feelings. If you think that might cause more trouble than it's worth, make up some kind of excuse. Since I've never met him, I don't know what kind of guy he is and how he might react to such things. Hopefully, you have a fairly good idea by now of how he might be.

You see how this could be disturbing... And he says that all of his friends hate his ex-wife.
Disturbing, indeed! Hope it gets figured out. :(

Post-weekend

[squealnakedcatj]

I know I'm late to be commenting, so what was the outcome? I have to agree with SPK, that it's totally obviously awkward for you. Did you end up meeting her? What is curious to me is how long was he divorced from his wife before he got back into a relationship? I find it hard to understand how divorced people can "still be best friends." My parents are divorced and are polite to each other, but certainly far from friends. If you're not comfortable getting into this discussion with me, I will respect that too. Just curious and I care about you and want things to go well for you in your relationship =D

Re: Post-weekend

[jttttttt]

So I ended up semi-gracefully bowing out of the meeting. I was "busy". I did meet her just briefly from my car window. Just as I left work Sunday afternoon, I pulled up to a stoplight and who should be in the car next to me? My BF and his ex-wife. So we rolled down windows and made polite introductions. He told me to call him when I got home. I did and he asked me to come grill out just the 3 of us. So I said, no I have plans already with someone else. And that was that. They have been seperated for almost 5 years now. The divorce was finalized last summer. I have no idea how they stay just friends. Maybe because they got married for the wrong reasons. They had been together for 4 years and he came to her and said, my visa expires on Friday and then they went and got married on their lunch break. He explained to me that because they had experienced so much together it seemed natural that they should get married. But then I guess they started have relationship problems. They went to marriage counseling to try and make it work. He has dated a few girls inbetween the wife and me. I'm not sure if this issue ever came up with them. He has mentioned that his friendship with her bothers her boyfriends. I just felt that I would be extremely uncomfortable because he is always telling these exciting stories about the past and then inevitably she was with him on the exciting adventure. Example: I was taking a picture of a baby elephant and all of a sudden a hear a crashing and then Eva yells, Run! Elephant! and then it's an exciting story about how he and eva ran away from the elephant. Or about the time when they lived in Isreal for 6 months and all the escapades they had there. So I really wasn't looking forward to getting to listen to the two of them remininsce together about the exciting adventures they had together, while I wonder if I will ever have exciting adventures to talk about with him in 10 years, or if he will just be another boyfriend. It boils down to insecurity in where I stand in this relationship honestly. Oh yeah, and jealousy too.

Trust

[squealnakedcatj]

Thanks for being so open. I have never been in a similar relationship situation, but I feel very sympathetic to your role. I guess I'm curious, like SPK wondered, are you comfortbale enough to discuss with him directly your feelings of being uncomfortbable with Eva or with how he is still best friends with her and how it affects your own relationship - negatively?

"My visa expires this week, let's get hitched" certainly is not a proper foundation, in and of itself, for a marriage. I don't have all the details, so I don't think I should be criticizing too much here, but I'm surprised he didn't think about the marriage/green card issue earlier, like "Hmmm, my visa will expire in 14 months and I've been friends with Eva for almost 3 years now. Is she someone I would want to marry or should I be actually dating someone?"

I think it would be really tough to feel you are in competition with a guy's ex-wife, even though he may not be looking at it that way at all and may feels it's "just fine" the way it is. If he is serious about you, then he has to respect your feelings on the subject and be willing to compromise or at least discuss the situation further.

Even if they had only been best friends for 9+ years, and never married, like if he was already a US Citizen, STILL I think any woman in a relationship with him would feel challenged by Eva, A) since they have had such a long, rich history together and, more significantly, B) as a direct result of the way he views his relationships and is apparently oblivious to the feeling of "competition" he himself is creating by regularly talking about Eva and that "former life" with her.

It makes sense to want to avoid her. I wonder, is he willing to change how he deals with her, how often they see each other to give YOU the focus of his attention and such? If not, then it seems your options for sanity are either to let him know you cannot continue your relationship like this or to accept Eva's big role in his life and befriend her, especially if she is willing to do so and does not feel threatened herself by him being in a serious relationship with another woman.

I don't pretend that what I have to say are THE answers or ultimatums, just my own thoughts, friendly take-it-or-leave-it advice and sympathy for your challenging relationship situation.

Also, haven't seen you in a while. I won't be at SPK's Game Night next Saturday, but hope to see you at the next one or some other time I come down to visit Indy :D