(no subject)
My body is tired of being sick. Mostly I'm tired of my body being sick.
As if having bi-polar disorder wasn't bad enough I have two chronic illnesses as well as a slew of medical problems that come and go.
My back is definitely the most obnoxious. I cannot sleep through most nights without the aid of a pillow under the backs of my knees and a fairly firm mattress. Sometimes when I wake up I cannot get out of bed for long periods of time, so I have to set my alarm early. I cannot walk upstairs carrying anything that weighs over 10 pounds, easily. If I want to do something physical like rock-climb, I have to prepare myself mentally to be in huge pain for the next few days. I never thought that I would have to endure pain to have fun.
The disks in my lower back are dehydrated. L3 - L4 and L4 - L5 are pretty doomed. L5 - S1 has already been removed. I can hardly even entertain the idea of surgery again. It was horrific. I lay in a state of half awake/half asleep for fifteen straight hours in the hospital, alone, after my surgery. I had a pain medication pump that was monitored so I could release medication every 7 minutes. If I fell asleep I would wake up 10 minutes later because I hadn't pressed my button. I am allergic to narcotic pain killers, everything except valium, which isn't a pain killer it's a muscle relaxant.
This pain alone makes me miserable twenty-four/seven.
Fortunately I have other things to distract me. Like my endometriosis. I always had really heavy periods and bad cramps and never knew that it was likely caused by endometriosis (which affects some ridiculous percent of women). I had to have my uterus surgically examined, and spots of endometriosis burnt off. The long term treatment for endometriosis (at least the only one that doesn't DEFINITELY cause you to not be able to have children) is taking a birth control pill every day for a year. That means no periods for a year (which is awesome).
Unfortunately the more birth control you put in your body the less your body wants to have sex. My libido is depressed, just like me. Oh, and taking the extra hormone makes me a hambeast.
And if physically I wasn't fucked up enough I'll always have my bi-polar to remind me that I cannot be normal.
There are two types of medication for bi-polar, one set makes you gain anywhere between 5 and 25 pounds. I am already a hambeast without that, thank you. The other type can actually cause you to LOSE weight (bonus!) but makes birth control work roughly 70% of the time, making the treatment for my endometriosis basically useless all together. Oh, and most of those weight lowering bi-polar treatments are also seizure treatments, so one of the side effects is seizures.
I want to be able to have fun again. I want to be able to play frisbee, go sledding, hell I want to walk up stairs pain free. I just don't know if I could stand having surgery. I am terrified that another disk will just rupture, anyway. It would be nice to feel like I'm pretty, but without bi-polar treatment, and with the treatment for my endometriosis causing me to gain weight, it's hard to feel beautiful.
Thank God for Van's encouragement and support, but it's hard for me to see that my boyfriend sometimes holds himself back because I cannot always do the things that he wants to do.
:( This post is pretty sad, I hope all of you are healthy.
As if having bi-polar disorder wasn't bad enough I have two chronic illnesses as well as a slew of medical problems that come and go.
My back is definitely the most obnoxious. I cannot sleep through most nights without the aid of a pillow under the backs of my knees and a fairly firm mattress. Sometimes when I wake up I cannot get out of bed for long periods of time, so I have to set my alarm early. I cannot walk upstairs carrying anything that weighs over 10 pounds, easily. If I want to do something physical like rock-climb, I have to prepare myself mentally to be in huge pain for the next few days. I never thought that I would have to endure pain to have fun.
The disks in my lower back are dehydrated. L3 - L4 and L4 - L5 are pretty doomed. L5 - S1 has already been removed. I can hardly even entertain the idea of surgery again. It was horrific. I lay in a state of half awake/half asleep for fifteen straight hours in the hospital, alone, after my surgery. I had a pain medication pump that was monitored so I could release medication every 7 minutes. If I fell asleep I would wake up 10 minutes later because I hadn't pressed my button. I am allergic to narcotic pain killers, everything except valium, which isn't a pain killer it's a muscle relaxant.
This pain alone makes me miserable twenty-four/seven.
Fortunately I have other things to distract me. Like my endometriosis. I always had really heavy periods and bad cramps and never knew that it was likely caused by endometriosis (which affects some ridiculous percent of women). I had to have my uterus surgically examined, and spots of endometriosis burnt off. The long term treatment for endometriosis (at least the only one that doesn't DEFINITELY cause you to not be able to have children) is taking a birth control pill every day for a year. That means no periods for a year (which is awesome).
Unfortunately the more birth control you put in your body the less your body wants to have sex. My libido is depressed, just like me. Oh, and taking the extra hormone makes me a hambeast.
And if physically I wasn't fucked up enough I'll always have my bi-polar to remind me that I cannot be normal.
There are two types of medication for bi-polar, one set makes you gain anywhere between 5 and 25 pounds. I am already a hambeast without that, thank you. The other type can actually cause you to LOSE weight (bonus!) but makes birth control work roughly 70% of the time, making the treatment for my endometriosis basically useless all together. Oh, and most of those weight lowering bi-polar treatments are also seizure treatments, so one of the side effects is seizures.
I want to be able to have fun again. I want to be able to play frisbee, go sledding, hell I want to walk up stairs pain free. I just don't know if I could stand having surgery. I am terrified that another disk will just rupture, anyway. It would be nice to feel like I'm pretty, but without bi-polar treatment, and with the treatment for my endometriosis causing me to gain weight, it's hard to feel beautiful.
Thank God for Van's encouragement and support, but it's hard for me to see that my boyfriend sometimes holds himself back because I cannot always do the things that he wants to do.
:( This post is pretty sad, I hope all of you are healthy.