(no subject)
Today had good intentions, I admit. I can’t help but think about how much better I could feel toward everything else if only I could feel good about me. I know I’m a person with some purpose in life but why can’t I be the one who shines on her day...? What’s wrong with me that makes me so wrong for her? Why do I feel so inadequate. I once heard “...live life, not measured up to anyone but your best self...”. I can be a better person, I know I can. I have been that better person before. So what’s the difference now? I wish most of all she would listen to me the way I need her to. I feel like I’m “old news” or an old towel, left up to try in the hot baking sun for the next time I’m needed to soak up her tears of loathed, displeased, and tainted self perception. Where is my towel to soak up my tears? Why do I even have tears at all? I believe I’m a good listener and I always look her in the face or in the eyes when I can. I show her I care and I do what I can do to help her; though most of the time she’s on her own, purposely forcing me away. Why? I don’t know. I always embraced moments like that, being thankful I have a friend who listens. Lately, she’s been hanging out with an old friend a lot. It makes me a little uncomfortable; him, being a guy and me, being her boyfriend. But, who can I talk to about that? Not her. I feel like I’m being too sensitive and I’m becoming too annoying to bare... because of her reaction to me bringing up the topic. So, when stuff like that happens who do I talk to? Not her. How can I? She doesn’t want to hear it. But, I need her to be that person I can say whatever I need to say to feel better about whatever. Overall, I just wish she could listen to me when I need her... makes me feel unimportant; not worth the time of day.