shit

[jtone]

sometimes i feel like I'll never be good enough. and it's not about sex. it's about love and trust and passion and emotions and feeling deprived of it. i don't want to be misunderstood by the one i love, i want to be trusted and loved by her. does it mean something different to her than it does to me? i feel like it's spoiled for her now. perhaps she feels the act is less emotional now for her. eventhough i have soo many, too many of them inside me that get rejected too often. i just wish that finally i could show her what's important to me to get through, even if it's not important to her. i'm not saying things should be that way, but i just wish they were. i wonder if she understands that, or even anybody understands that. i miss feeling important and trusted. i know i'm loved but i wish i could feel it in the ways that make me feel loved more. maybe i wish too much... or there's a lesson; all great things must come to an end. i know we have small problems that people can work out, we just haven't completed yet, but i need her so much. i miss the emotion of worryless love, complete trust, and certainty *spelling* of a long term future... why can't i just know the answers? why do i feel so lost now, like my purpose has drifted away? i miss that feeling of being ontop of things and in control of my decisions. now i have to go with the flow so i don't get caught slipping away from the mainstream of life. somebody please tell me what the fuck is up with me.

ps. i love jenny boone:)