Reflections
For the longest time, I truly did not want to update this. Most of you are probably thinking that after my grandpa died on November 9th, and my daddy died on December 15th, that I would be a bitter and evil bitch who hated her life. I'm not. When I got the phone call that dad was in the hospital I did not have enough information to know that he was going to die. But I felt it. I felt it in the way my mother spoke. I felt it in my heart. I knew it when Aunt Barbara called me while she was at work and I was in Brockport because she wanted me to see my dad right away. Her sister, Linda, was my dad's nurse in the ER. She fought very hard to keep him alive. When I talked to the doctor, we signed a DNR. I don't want to get into everything after that, if you want to know give me a call, but after that moment, we fought for my dad to die with dignity. When special doctors came in I questioned our choice. But Aunt Linda, Aunt Barbara and others helped me through it. After writing and reading the eulogy at my dad's memorial ceremony, I realized that since my dad's life was about fighting to get the best for other people, I had done my best by fighting to do what dad would've wanted. I was alright at that ceremony. I was just really tired and I hated being hugged by people I don't like, or more importantly, people who didn't like my dad. Now that I am back in Maryland, things with Jason and I are much better, and I am happier than I have been in a long time. It is still very hard to cope. Yesterday I cried a lot, and when I wasn't crying I was sad. I could barely do anything. I miss my dad so much, and I really despise people who hate their dads. I know dads can be assholes. God knows mine was too, but getting into a situation like this, or even when dad was just sick and not gone, helps you to realize the good that people do for you. And it sickens me that a lot of people have to wait until after someone is gone to realize that. It sickens me to think that people judge me for not doing anything yesterday. It's usually the same people that wonder how I can be so strong. It's by doing what's right, standing up for morals and values, and taking care of myself. Today I plan to work hard around the apartment. There is so much to do. Jason and I have our books for next semester arriving today, so I will probably even start to read. Jason has a four day weekend for the New Year, and on Tuesday or Wednesday I will be job searching. Judge if you want to, but could you really do more if your dad had passed away?
This is crazy, I know. Christmas was still all right. Second year in a row we didn't make it to Christmas Eve service. We went to church in the morning though. We went about the day... giving our gifts to the Glovers in the afternoon because they went to see Grandpa David in PA on Christmas day, then we saw Emily Elizabeth and took Marrisa and Kay-Anna with us. We went to Grandpa Solacks, ran some errands believe it or not, and went to Grandma Dotts' house. But when it was time to go back to Grandpa Solack's I couldn't do it. I am used to my father not being home on Christmas, since I haven't had a Christmas with him since 2003, and that was horrible because Aunt Karla had passed away in June, and none of the family really wanted to do anything. Poorly handled, if you ask me. But anyway, I started thinking about how I wouldnt be going to Buffalo the next day to see him, and it was quite obvious that Papa wasn't home on Christmas Eve. My mom and grandma amaze me though. Two new widows, and they went to Christmas Eve service together at 11pm. They've been helpful to each other so much.
So even though the pain is still really prominent in my life, Jason has been wonderful and I'll make it through. Both Papa and Dad are in a better place, and since God decided it was their time, I'm not going to argue. It doesn't help anyway. I'll just wait to see what the reason is, and in the meantime, I will keep busy in the apartment, and do what it takes to make my father and my papa proud. And I don't expect everyone to understand.
This is crazy, I know. Christmas was still all right. Second year in a row we didn't make it to Christmas Eve service. We went to church in the morning though. We went about the day... giving our gifts to the Glovers in the afternoon because they went to see Grandpa David in PA on Christmas day, then we saw Emily Elizabeth and took Marrisa and Kay-Anna with us. We went to Grandpa Solacks, ran some errands believe it or not, and went to Grandma Dotts' house. But when it was time to go back to Grandpa Solack's I couldn't do it. I am used to my father not being home on Christmas, since I haven't had a Christmas with him since 2003, and that was horrible because Aunt Karla had passed away in June, and none of the family really wanted to do anything. Poorly handled, if you ask me. But anyway, I started thinking about how I wouldnt be going to Buffalo the next day to see him, and it was quite obvious that Papa wasn't home on Christmas Eve. My mom and grandma amaze me though. Two new widows, and they went to Christmas Eve service together at 11pm. They've been helpful to each other so much.
So even though the pain is still really prominent in my life, Jason has been wonderful and I'll make it through. Both Papa and Dad are in a better place, and since God decided it was their time, I'm not going to argue. It doesn't help anyway. I'll just wait to see what the reason is, and in the meantime, I will keep busy in the apartment, and do what it takes to make my father and my papa proud. And I don't expect everyone to understand.