fic for sun_ming
Title: There’s a skyline in Oklahoma
Rating: R
Threesome: Akamepi, plus a bit of Nakamaru/Kame/Koki and Toma/Yamapi/Ryo.
Summary: How do you love someone when you don't know what love is?
Warnings: ....does asexuality and general weirdness count?
Notes: 10.322 words. For sun_ming. Don't ask why I decided to work in three threesomes out of the five that were requested. Quite possibly I'm just insane.
There’s a skyline in Oklahoma
Kame doesn't know what love is.
He's not sure when he realized that he wasn't like everyone else he met. Maybe it was when he was ten and wrinkled his nose when he watched his older brother kissing a girl. Maybe it was when he was twelve and his best friend had a very public crush on Kame's next door neighbour, and Kame couldn't understand what he saw in her. Maybe it was when everyone in his class drooled after the new teacher, while Kame just thought she was nice and that she was a good teacher. Maybe it was when he watched porn movies in some guy's basement and found that he was the only one not affected by it at all.
He has watched his friends fall in love over and over, successfully and not so much so. He's watched romance movies with girls, but never understood why they sigh and lean against him every time the music swells and the hero kisses the pretty woman. He's been to weddings, finding himself puzzled over why someone would choose to be with just one person for the rest of their life.
Love is a mystery to him, it always has been, and it doesn't bother him much. It doesn't bother him, but he's curious.
He wants to know if he can fall in love too, just like everyone else.
--
Before he's old enough to have his own apartment, Kame shares a dorm room with Koki. It's a strange experience. After three weeks Kame concludes that Koki just isn't like a normal person. Which suits Kame just fine, seeing as he's hardly a normal person either. In the beginning they walk circles around each other, like cubs trying to measure another's strength, and there are a few arguments and a couple of fights before they decide that they're friends.
But that doesn't make Koki any less weird.
And he talks about girls a lot. So much that Kame starts to think he's just doing it to convince himself that he likes them. After a while, Kame tunes him out and keeps reading, chiming in with a "yeah" and a "uh-huh" every now and then. He doesn't listen at all, not until Koki flings himself down, half in Kame's lap, and makes him listen.
Actually, Kame doesn't really mind listening either, and he sure doesn't mind Koki's friendship. It makes it easier to talk to other people, and come along to parties, and get along with people. Kame has a tendency to want to stay in his room and read or study, but Koki is having none of it, and drags Kame out with him. "You need socializing," he states, and hangs off of Kame until they're asked if they're a couple. Kame snickers over how Koki's face turns beet red, and for the next few hours he's the one hanging off of Koki, just to mess with his head.
Even after they get other friends - Kame spends hours and hours talking to Jin and Koki goes out with Maru for ramen and cheap beer nearly every night - and move into apartments of their own, Kame still sticks with Koki. Everything's easy with him, and he doesn't have to explain anything. Koki accepts him as weird, and Kame accepts that Koki calls him that. It works out just fine.
Kame thinks he has lost Koki after coming back from hanging out with Yamapi for months, because all Koki can talk about is Maru. Not that Kame really minds; he likes Maru too, but hearing every single little detail about him is a bit much at three in the morning. "You look like an adoring puppy," he comments, and Koki smacks him before flopping down on Kame's couch.
It's just like old times, and Kame wonders just when he got old and jaded enough to be able to look back on his past and call it 'old times'.
--
Kame watches them from a distance, safely tucked away from the din of voices and boys running around being idiots. His eyes are hidden behind sunglasses, so he's free to look at whatever he wants. And he watches Toma with curiosity, trying to make sense of the way he wanders around the rooms in circles and squares and patterns that it seems like only he can see. Kame realizes what Toma's ultimate goal is, though.
It's Yamapi.
Pi, who's standing close to Ryo almost directly opposite Kame, talking quietly. Toma takes a few steps directly closer, then pauses. Steps closer, then pauses. To Kame, it's like a watching a dance that he never learned the steps to. It's fascinating, but strange. Kame's older now, but he still doesn't get all of this.
Yamapi doesn't notice Toma's advance, but Ryo does, and he nudges Pi, nodding in Toma's direction. Kame watches Toma freeze uncertainly and then the smile lighting up Pi's face. He watches Yamapi free himself from Ryo to run over and hug Toma, and he watches the darkness on Ryo's face. However, Pi seems oblivious to it and pulls Toma over, chattering. Because of the distance, Kame can't hear a word they're saying, but he recognizes a chattering Yamapi when he sees it, especially because it happens so rarely. No doubt it's caused by Toma's presence, and Kame realizes that Ryo understands that too.
Toma looks sheepish and still uncertain, but he holds Yamapi's hand and stands close to him. Seems unwilling to let go. Ryo's eyes narrow and he takes a step closer, his expression almost like a sneer from some predatory cat. Even with the distance, Kame can sense the tension between them. He wonders if Toma's angry because Ryo has taken his place, and if Ryo's jealous because Yamapi is giving someone else such obvious affection. He thinks that maybe Toma was the past and Ryo is the present, and it makes him wonder what - or who - Yamapi's future is.
He wants to stay and watch everything unfold, but he's interrupted by Koki, who grabs his hand and drags him along because they're performing next and watching his sort-of-friends' love lives shouldn't be high on Kame's list of priorities right now.
After the concert's over, there's no trace of Yamapi, Ryo or Toma. Kame looks around for them, but then forgets all about it until he heads down a different hallway than most of the others to get a jacket he forgot. He hears a noise, opens a door, and there they are.
Yamapi leans against a table, his shirt open and his hair ruffled, his cheeks red and his lips - his lips, Kame thinks, feeling dizzy - swollen, his tongue darting out to wet them every now and then. Kame is so busy staring at Pi that it takes him a while to notice the two on their knees in front of him. The view is obscured by a few chairs and well, by Toma and Ryo as well, but Kame is smart enough to understand what's going on, especially with how Yamapi closes his eyes and moans and mutters "yeah, that's it, go on".
As if he's glued in place, Kame stays where he is, watching. Toma gives Ryo a little shove and Ryo hisses back, Toma does it again and Ryo pushes him back so hard that Toma loses his balance, falling to the side and giving Kame a view of Pi's hip and thigh. Once Toma has moved up again, Yamapi grabs his hair, and Ryo's hair, tangles his fingers into it and yanks slightly. He's grinning as he tells them to behave. And they do. Kame doesn't understand why they're willing to share, but that's exactly what they do.
He feels slightly guilty for watching, especially when Yamapi grows a bit louder, leaning his head back with a groan when he comes, but it's impossible to move away. It's not that the sight turns him on, but it's fascinating nonetheless.
Toma gets to his feet seconds before Ryo, and kisses Yamapi first, before he moves out of the way to let Yamapi kiss Ryo as well. "You two as well," Yamapi mutters, and they do as they're told. The kiss is harsh, even Kame can see that, but they're still kissing, hands fisted in each other's rumpled shirts.
As he closes the door quietly - he doesn't think he wants to see the rest - Kame wonders if it's love, what they have, or if it's just about pride and fighting.
He's not all too surprised when he learns the news a month later; Ryo and Yamapi are broken up but still friends, Toma's dating some girl who's crazy about him. Kame concludes that it couldn't have been love.
--
Kame finds out that Koki and Maru are more than friends when he stumbles over them while they're on the floor kissing. For a second or two, he stares at them without comprehending what's going on - he's so used to seeing them both as just friends and friends of each other that thinking of them as something else seems half impossible.
But the signs are clearly there.
There's the flush on Maru's cheeks and the ruffled hair, there's the way Koki's arms are around him, almost possessively. There's the way they're so comfortable with sitting this close together, so close that Kame thinks it would be impossible to put even something as small as a CD between them. There's the way Koki's eyes linger on Maru, even after Kame barged in on them. There's the way Maru looks embarrassed but still comfortable, as if he's been waiting for an opportunity to spill the secret to someone. There's also a nearly nervous silence, because Kame doesn't know what to do and he's fairly sure he shouldn't have
"Uhm," Kame says, uselessly.
"Uhm," Koki replies, just as uselessly.
"Yeah, I think so too," Maru concludes, and pulls Kame down onto the floor to tickle him until they all forget the awkwardness.
Kame catches his breath and looks up at the two of them, tilting his head. "So that was why you were talking about him so much," he says to Koki, who flushes and mumbles an incoherent reply before dragging Kame up and squishing him as if he's a giant plushie. Kame flails, but he grins nonetheless.
--
For the past two months, Jin has tried to set Kame up with a variety of girls. Most of them have been cute, a fair few have been pretty, and a couple have been stunning. Some have been so stupid that Kame has been surprised they've managed to open a door and chew gum at the same time, while others have been so smart that Kame has felt like an utter idiot with them. Jin has sent him off on dates alone or come along on double dates, but for Kame it has always been just as awkward. Sure, he manages the talking just fine, and he can be a gentleman and be attentive and pay the girl a few compliments. He can even flirt if he has to, so he figures he doesn't do too badly.
But then the girls ask for his number, or they want to dance, or they try to hold his hand or cling or they lean in with hopes that he'll kiss them goodnight, and Kame nearly panics every time. He tenses up and becomes awkward and says or does the worst thing possible, and more often or not the girl in question will call Jin the next day and tell him that she doesn't want to see Kame ever again.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Jin finally asks, after what feels like failed date number one million.
"You don't understand, Jin," Kame says with exasperation in his voice, holding his hands up in front of him as if he wants to protect himself. "I... I don't like girls. I don't want to date them."
"So you like boys," Jin nods, like he's confirming something he has known for years.
Kame shakes his head, looking embarrassed. "No, I don't. Not that way, anyway."
The reply causes a puzzled expression on Jin's face. He's silent for a while, and then he grins. "So, what? You love kittens? 'Cause I gotta tell you... As cute as that sounds, the literal implication is more gross than anything else."
Kame starts to regret having started this particular topic of discussion in the first place. "Jin," he says, surprised over how weary he sounds.
Apparently Jin catches the change as well, because he's suddenly serious, and walks over to sit next to Kame, almost cautiously. "Do you really mean it? You don't like girls and you don't like boys? Not at all?"
Pause. The silence is nice at first, but then it becomes awkward. For several minutes, Kame tells himself over and over that he needs to say something. Now, damnit, say something. "I'veneverevenkissedanyone," he finally blurts out, and winces seconds afterwards because fuck, why did he say that?
"What does that have to do with anything? And it's not like it's a big deal. It's easy to get kissed. See, I'll show you," Jin says. And then he does.
Kame doesn't even comprehend what's happening until Jin's lips are pressing against his own; soft but firm, a little too dry just like Kame's own. He frowns and shifts slightly and bumps his nose into Jin's, then tries to move so this is less awkward and ends up stepping on Jin's foot.
Jin grimaces and pulls back, looking vaguely amused. "You weren't kidding. You're a terrible kisser."
"Well, you're not that good either," Kame retorts.
"I can prove to you that I'm not if you hadn't been acting like you have a stick shoved up your ass. That part comes after the kissing."
They bicker just to keep from talking about what really matters. Kame doesn't want to say it, and it seems like Jin doesn't really want to hear it. Quite frankly, Kame's relieved, and he spends the next four days avoiding Jin as much as he can.
It takes a few weeks before Jin asks again. Kame had hoped the topic would never come up for discussion again, but he knows that Jin wouldn't be able to let something so big just slide. However, he's still awkward, nervousness radiating off of him in a way that makes Kame take pity on him. "You can ask about it," he finally says, giving up trying to avoid it and sitting down next to Jin. Maybe it's not the best of times to be talking about this, between one photo shoot and the next, but it's a good a time as they're likely to get.
"I asked Pi," Jin begins, then falters. Kame just waits. "I asked Pi about it, and he said he wasn't surprised. Because you've never been interested in girls that way, or boys. But I... It's weird, isn't it?"
"Not any weirder than going on dates every week and sleeping around thoughtlessly."
Jin has the decency to look embarrassed, but he doesn't back down. "So it's like that, then? You're just not interested in anyone at all?"
Kame sighs and rubs his temples; this is giving him a headache. "Yeah, that's pretty much it. I don't get the point of it. I don't feel like I want to be close to anyone that way. I don't really mind dancing close to someone or hugging or I guess maybe even kissing, but... I wouldn't mind living without it either."
For a while, they're quiet. Kame ponders his own words, still trying to figure out why he is like this, why he's so different from everyone he knows. He knows boys who like girls, boys who like boys, girls who like boys and girls who like girls, but he doesn't like anyone and he has no idea why. Sometimes, he really wishes he had been born normal instead of this, this wordless nothing that he can't even begin to explain. It would've been better to be gay, he thinks. It would've been difficult, but at least he would've known who he was, what he was.
"But do you jerk off like other guys?"
Jin's question forces Kame out of his thoughts, and he stares blankly back at him and answers without thinking. "Not really, no."
"What do you mean, not really?"
Kame shifts and gets up; this is too awkward. But this is also Jin, and he knows that despite everything, Jin might be the only one he can talk about these things to. "I've tried it a few times because everyone were talking about it, but it wasn't really all that interesting to me."
"But you can get hard if you try it? You're not like, sick or anything?"
There's a pause in which they simply stare at each other, and Kame really wonders if Jin was born without tact or if he deliberately lost it somewhere along the line while he was growing up. He doesn't blush, but he shifts awkwardly from one foot to the other and then turns his head to watch Junno's photo shoot instead of looking at Jin. It's easier this way. "I can, yeah. If I really want to. I just...generally don't want to."
"You're the weirdest guy alive," Jin states and gets to his feet, patting Kame's shoulders twice before setting off to change for the next photo shoot.
And that's that.
--
"So, I heard you're terrible at kissing," Yamapi says by way of saying hello, and Jin half flees from the room. Which is a good thing; because otherwise Kame would kill him, and that would sure as hell reach the tabloids.
"I'm not terrible! He just caught me by surprise, that's all. You'd think that when a guy is going to kiss another guy, he would be polite enough to give a moment of warning," Kame says, defending himself. True, he doesn't really care about any of this all that much, but he doesn't want to get a reputation as a horrible kisser. Mostly because he's sure that would reach the tabloids as well, and then he'd have to answer countless questions about it, and it's just annoying.
Yamapi grins, in a way that makes Kame slightly uncomfortable. He takes a few steps closer to Kame, looking far too innocent to be innocent. "Like this, you mean?" he says, and waits about three seconds before he kisses Kame.
Who splutters and takes an abrupt step backwards, losing his balance and crashing down a small flight of stairs. He's bruised for weeks, and he still ends up with a reputation as a bad kisser.
Kame has a feeling that he just can't win.
--
"How does it work?" Kame asks Maru, wincing because it comes out more bluntly than he had intended. He's not too good at this stuff.
But Maru just laughs and glances over at Koki, messing about with Jin a few feet away. "Oh, it works just fine. It was a bit awkward at first, sure, but... When you like someone, you work to make it work. You know what I mean?"
Kame really doesn't.
He doesn't understand, but he sees the warmth in Maru's eyes whenever he looks at Koki, he sees the way Maru smiles more and the way Koki beams back at him. He sees the casual affection; how Koki leans against Maru, how Maru winds an arm around Koki, how they keep their heads close together when they talk, how they laugh in sync with each other. He sees it, but he doesn't understand.
"How about we show you how it works?" Koki asks out of the blue, grinning as he puts his arms around Maru and pulls him close.
Maru grimaces, reaching back to smack Koki's forehead. "We can't show him, pervert. No matter how much you'd like that. It'd just be weird, right, Kame?"
"I don't know," Kame replies, because he really doesn't know. "Maybe it'd be a good thing. Ne, Koki?"
He pretends he doesn't see Maru's expression, or hear the almost warning coughs, and he keeps his eyes locked with Koki's. Maybe this is a stupid idea, but he wants to go through with it nonetheless. He's pretty sure that it'll give him some answers, and quite possibly it could be fun as well. It's supposed to be fun, that much he has learned from listening to his friends' conversations and watching movies - both romantic ones and ones that are nothing but porn. Koki smiles slowly, and then laughs, before he lets go of Maru and hugs Kame instead, ruffling his hair. "It will be a good thing, I'm sure of it."
Except that it's not. Not in the beginning, at least. Kame feels a bit too sober and Maru looks too drunk, and Koki seems to not quite know where to direct his attention. Kame thinks about just going home and leaving them to be together, just the two of them, but then Maru shakes his head and reaches out, pulling Kame closer, half onto his lap. He just about has the time to see the amused expression on Koki's face before he finds himself kissing Maru, and even if it's more than a little clumsy, it still feels more natural and easy than with Jin or Yamapi. Funny, Kame thinks and closes his eyes, and wonders if this is what love is.
They stay on the couch with the TV still on and the lights turned down low, because moving into the bedroom and the bed would be too official, too strange. Kame lets Maru pull him down beneath him, and he links his arms around Maru's neck because he's fairly sure that's what he's supposed to do. Maru smiles against Kame's lips and tells him what to do, shows him that kissing can be good instead of awkward. It feels kind of strange to be this close to someone he's always considered to be just a friend, and it becomes even stranger when he suddenly has Maru's full weight on him. "When did you get so heavy?" Kame chokes out.
He gets soft laughter in return, and Maru's tongue tracing his lips. "It's not just me anymore."
Kame glances over Maru's shoulder and Koki waves back at him, grinning. "Don't worry, you'll be able to breathe. Suffocating you would be kinda bad, right? And besides, we're not that heavy."
"Uh huh. Whatever you say," Kame says, but he's smiling because this isn't as strange as he thought it would be. It's nothing earth-shattering either, but it's nice. Comforting. Kame thinks he could get used to this.
Koki tugs Maru's top up and off, and Kame runs his hands over Maru's chest tentatively. He has no idea what he's supposed to do, but Maru shows him again, telling him in a quiet voice what feels good and what's just plain uncomfortable. After a while, though, Maru's voice hitches and falters, and Kame looks up at him, wondering what he did wrong. "Don't worry," Maru mutters, and leans down to kiss him again. Kame can feel the slight rocking of his body, pressed flush against his own, and feels his skin heat up when he understands what's going on.
It's tempting to try to escape, but he doesn't, and instead he presses against Maru, drawing his nails lightly down his chest. "Stroke him," Koki mutters, and for a second Kame wonders who he's talking to. "Yeah, you," Koki continues and leans forwards enough to plant a kiss on Kame's forehead. Maru groans with the movement, but doesn't protest. Kame can understand why.
What he can't understand is how he's supposed to do what Koki asks. Apparently Maru senses his cluelessness, and takes Kame's hand, guiding him. "Y-you don't mind being in the middle, do you?" Kame stutters as he starts moving his hand; uncertainly at first and then with more confidence when it becomes clear that he's at least not doing anything that's painful for Maru.
"Who would mind being caught between you two?" Maru asks in return, linking his fingers with Kame before twisting around enough to kiss Koki, hungrily. Kame wonders if he should feel left out, especially seeing as he's still fully dressed (and without any plans for taking any of them off either), but then Maru turns to kiss him again, just as hungrily, and Kame feels the weight of them both on him. This time it's comforting instead of too heavy.
"Do you always do it...like that?" Kame asks curiously afterwards, when they've returned to watching the movie and drinking beer, lukewarm by now.
Koki raises an eyebrow and glances over at him. "You mean on the couch in the living room with one of our friends present? Yeah, sure, we always do it like that. Haven't you heard? Sex is always better when you're three instead of two."
"That's not what I meant, idiot."
"You mean does he always fuck me, right?" Maru cuts through their remarks before the bickering turns into fighting - Maru is good at that.
Kame nods. "Yeah, that's what I meant. I'm glad that not everyone around here is as stupid as a cardboard box."
Instead of retaliating, Koki just shifts closer to Maru, leaning against him. "We switch it around. Depends what we feel like right then and there."
"And that works?"
"Yeah, it does," Maru confirms. "It's not like either of us is the girl or anything like that, you know? We just... We don't plan anything. Whatever happens, happens. Sorry, that probably doesn't help you much, huh?"
Kame considers the information, and tries to make sense of it. Tries to understand what it's like to be in a relationship instead of just a friendship. He thinks he can see it, but he's not sure if it'll ever happen to him. But as long as he has this, he won't be alone. "Nah, not really, but that's okay. I think I get how it works now. Sort of."
"Yeah, you were always a bit slow," Koki chimes in from the other side of Maru, and Kame throws a pillow at him.
--
Kame doesn't mean to overhear it. That's what he tells himself, but he knows it's no excuse. He could get up and walk out, of course. It'd be easy to do it, and they'd never know. But on the other hand, no one knows he's hiding out in here to get a moment's peace and quiet, so they will never know anyway, unless he tells them himself. And he's not planning on doing that in a million years.
"I... I like you," Yamapi says, sounding like he can't quite believe what he's saying.
Jin just laughs. "Of course you like me, stupid. We're friends, aren't we?" Kame thinks that sometimes, Jin really is a tiny bit too oblivious for his own good.
From Pi's frustrated groan Kame can tell that he thinks the same thing. "No, you don't get it. I like you like you."
"Oh," Jin replies, and doesn't say anything else for a while. "I'm sorry, I... I like Kame."
On the other side of the wall, Kame blinks and nearly falls off the boxes he's sitting on. Of all the things Jin might've replied, he definitely hadn't thought that would be the one he went for. Hell, Kame has never really considered the possibility that someone he knows might actually have feelings for him.
But apparently, Yamapi has considered it. "I know," he says. "I knew that before you did. But I still thought you should know. About me, I mean."
"Yeah, I... Thanks," Jin says awkwardly, and then all Kame hears is quiet laughter and vague movement. He has no idea if they're fighting or hugging, but he's certainly hoping it's the latter.
--
Jin doesn't confess to Kame until several weeks later. He stammers and stutters and kicks the ground and shuffles and it's so painful to watch that Kame cuts him short.
"I know what you're trying to say. I heard you and Pi talking a while back."
Jin blinks at him stupidly. If it hadn't been such a strange situation, Kame would have laughed. Jin, however, does not look very amused. "You were eaves-dropping? That's pretty rude, you know."
"Look at it this way; I saved you the trouble of actually getting the words out of your mouth. 'Cause you weren't doing too well with that."
"Don't be such a bastard. I'm trying to ask you out here." Jin looks uncomfortable and embarrassed, and Kame is pretty sure that the two of them on a date would be nothing short of hilarious. But he still goes along with it. He's not quite sure why, if it's from curiosity or affection or if he simply doesn't want to hurt Jin. Maybe it's just the right thing to do. Maybe it's because he doesn't want to be alone for the rest of his life, and save for marrying a lesbian or adopting either kids or kittens, he thinks this might be the only way.
The first date really is hilarious; Jin shows up an hour late, the restaurant won't seat them, the food is horrible, they can't for the life of them find anything to talk about. After a couple of hours of tense silence and monosyllabic conversations, Kame sighs. "Call Yamapi and invite him over," he says, catching Jin by surprise.
"You... You want Pi here? With us? Isn't that a weird kind of a date?"
"In case you didn't notice, this is already a weird kind of a date."
Jin grins. "Good point."
Yamapi joins them twenty minutes later, and it makes everything far easier. He jokes and teases and they talk about work and travel and studies and movies and girls. Because Jin likes the ladies and they all know that, and Yamapi's more serious relationships have all been with girls and they all know that, and Kame... Kame thinks girls are pretty and he likes them as long as he can keep them as friends and they don't get too clingy and they all know that as well. They head over to a smaller back-alley takoyaki stand afterwards and hand feed each other just for the hell of it, drinking cheap beer and walking home in a winding sort of a way that makes Kame wonder if they'll ever reach either of their apartments.
"I think I like weird dates," Jin states at the end of the evening, his voice a semi-drunken slur, and he leans so heavily against Kame that they both lose their balance, nearly toppling over if it hadn't been for Yamapi catching them.
"Yeah, same here," Kame agrees and kisses them both; first Jin, then Yamapi, and then he laughs at their shocked expressions.
He might've had a little too much to drink.
--
One date turns into two, two dates turn into four, and four turns into Yamapi jerking Jin off in the bathroom of a club with Kame half keeping watch and half watching them. Five turns into Jin on his knees sucking Yamapi off, with Kame sitting on a table near by, not taking his eyes off either of them. Six turns into all three of them in Jin's apartment, kissing and stumbling their way to the bedroom. Kame tries to pull free, but he's caught and pulled with them. "You're part of this too," Jin breathes, and Kame gives in, at least somewhat.
He stays off to the side, watching more than he participates, but he moves in to kiss Yamapi or to stroke his hand down Jin's spine, and he's perfectly content with staying at a distance. It's all too clear that the two others think that it's weird, but he doesn't have any explanations to offer. All he can do is to try to give of himself, and push his limits for what he's comfortable with or interested in doing. He tries, he really does, and the second time he slips in next to Jin, wrapping an arm around him and kissing his neck, his tongue tracing the vein in Jin's neck. "You could at least strip, your jeans are too rough," Jin complains, but the way he covers Kame's hand with his own betrays that he doesn't mind it all that much as long as Kame's there.
The first and second time it's enough, and the third and the fourth, and by that time Kame thinks they've found something that works well enough. He likes watching, it interests him - as if he's watching a documentary about a fascinating subject he knows nothing about. Maybe it's a bit strange that he doesn't want to get closer, that he doesn't feel a big need to touch or kiss Jin or Yamapi, but he thinks they look better together than he would ever do with either of them anyway.
"Enough. I'm sick of this," Jin says abruptly and pulls away from Yamapi, sitting back on his heels to look at Kame, still standing in the middle of the room.
"Gee, thanks," Pi mutters. "You really know how to stroke a guy's ego."
"Shut up. I'm bored with you. I want him for a change." Jin points to Kame, who blinks back at him and takes a few steps away. He might be clueless at times, but he sees what's coming.
"No, Jin, I---"
Jin shakes his head and gets up, walking over to him. "Okay, listen. I dig being with you, with the both of you. But right now it's like... Like being a couple and having some weird observer every time we fuck. That's just not cool."
Yamapi sits up, tugging off his shirt. "He's has a pretty good point. It's starting to get weird, you know?"
Jin: "I'm not asking much here, ne? I just want to be close to you. At least once. C'mon. You can't expect this to work if you just watch all the time."
Yamapi: "And besides, I'm getting kind of sick of him too. You'd be doing me a favour."
Kame sighs and hides a smile. He's curious, sure, and it's nice to be wanted. And Jin's right - this thing, whatever it is, is fragile enough to break unless they all try, unless they are all willing to give. Kame nods, once, and then Jin's kissing him, so eager that they bang their heads together.
"You two fail," Yamapi comments and reaches forwards to drag them both down onto the bed.
Kame's not sure just how he ends up undressed in such a short time, but he shivers a little because he feels stripped of his defenses. Somehow, Yamapi sees the things that Jin can't, and leans back against the stack of pillows, pulling Kame with him; Kame's back against Pi's chest. "Don't worry," he says, wrapping his arms securely around Kame. "He might look like a sex-crazed monster, but he's pretty gentle unless you tell him otherwise."
"I do not look like a sex-crazed monster," Jin protests, but considering that he's kneeling on a bed, naked and hard and reaching for the lube, it's not really a valid objection.
But it makes Kame laugh enough to relax, and even if he's still nervous, he lets himself trust Jin enough to do this. It's far from perfect, but Kame never expected perfection. It hurts too much at first because even if Jin's trembling with the effort of being gentle and going slow, he's still not slow enough. Then the angles are awkward and Jin slams his head into Yamapi's, and Kame digs his nails into Jin's arms, and they spend half the time cursing each other and the other half of the time laughing because apparently, they all fail at this.
Kame hears the moans and feels the way Jin moves change, and he shifts to arch his back, trying to move against Jin. He has no idea what he's doing, but he's not stupid, and with the way Jin shudders and tenses, he figures he has done something right. What really surprises him, though, is how out of breath and trembly he is himself as well.
Yamapi runs a tongue slowly along Kame's neck and nips at his ear, smiling against it. "Can you handle some more?" he asks, but doesn't wait for Kame's answer before pushing into him, his hands on Kame's hips, keeping him steady.
"Fuck," Jin says, wide-eyed. "That might be the hottest thing I've ever seen."
Kame opens his mouth to retort, but instead he finds himself moaning, because even if sex doesn't interest him all that much, his body is not insensitive. He closes his eyes and moves his hands over Yamapi's, moving with him, against him, being caught between wanting more, always, and never wanting to feel this again.
There's a light touch of fingers over his lower stomach, and Kame looks down, startled, only to find Jin grinning up at him. "You can come, right?" he asks, and Kame is on the way to smack him, but then Jin starts sucking him, and Kame forgets all about the entire world outside of Yamapi and Jin and this bed, this room.
It takes a far longer time than it really should and more of Jin's stubbornness than anything else, but eventually they're stretched out on the bed, side by side, and Kame feels exhausted and aching in a whole different kind of way. "So that's what it's like," he muses, and wonders if it's all worth it. He looks over at Yamapi and then at Jin, and decides that it is, though he hopes it'll take less work next time.
Except that 'next time' equals Jin catching him by surprise and being far too rough for Kame's liking, and he refuses to apologize after his fist connects with Jin's nose, breaking it.
After that, Jin decides to stick to fucking Yamapi. For the most part.
Kame has to admit he's relieved, even if he doesn't say it out loud. He's pretty sure they get it even if he doesn't say it.
--
"Why are you willing to share?" Yamapi asks Jin one lazy Sunday morning, with his head on Jin's shoulder and his arm around Kame. They're all still half asleep, and Kame thinks it's too early for discussions. The sun is up, shining through the curtains, and everything feels warm and comfortable. Kame doesn't believe in perfection, but he thinks this comes pretty close.
Jin runs a hand through his hair, shrugs, smiles at them. "Because having something is better than having nothing. Because I like you both enough to share. Because I'm closer to that idiot with you between us," he replies. He sounds like he knows what he means, like he has weighed the good up with the bad and calculated that this works out fine.
"Your logic does not resemble earth logic," Yamapi says dryly.
"Neither does yours," Jin points out, and five seconds later the pillow fight breaks out.
Kame has to break them up by throwing a bucket of ice cold water over them, and he flees through the apartment howling with laughter when Jin and Pi chase after him, determined to get revenge.
--
Even if Kame doesn't understand love, doesn't care all that much about getting laid, he still plays his part well. He's an actor, after all, he might as well act as if he loves just like everyone else does. Even now he still goes on a few dates with girls, just enough to get the rumours going. Jin and Yamapi does the same, but none of them speak much of it - they've made a deal about how far they can go and they trust each other enough to not pry into the details of what's going on during the dates.
There's doramas and music videos and TV shows and photo shoots, and Kame plays a part through it all. He's oblivious to the way Jin's standing on the sideline, his eyes darkening over the way Kame is half molesting a fairly uncomfortable Junno. Kame doesn't think much of it - it's just make-believe, it's not real.
"You're being too over the top," Jin complains once Kame steps off the set.
Kame blinks. "What do you mean?"
"It doesn't work when you're trying to be so sexy. You come off looking like an idiot."
"Like you, you mean?" Kame smirks and changes his shirt for the group shots, leaving the top four buttons open because he knows that the photographers want.
"No, not like me. I'm never over the top and I really do look hot, unlike you," Jin snaps back. "And stop doing that stuff to Junno. He doesn't know how to handle it."
"You're making me sound like I'm five," Junno chimes in, walking over to join them for no good reason. Anyone else would have walked away, but Junno has a tendency to walk head-first into danger instead of staying away from it.
Kame can't help but laugh, and takes Junno's hand, swinging their linked hands like they really are five years old. "You're cute enough to pull it off."
Jin curses, and steps between them, pushing them apart forcefully.
"What's wrong with you?" Kame asks, genuinely surprised.
"I just think you're being stupid."
"And he's jealous," Junno adds helpfully.
"I'm not jealous," Jin says, but the way he grabs Kame's hand and drags him off to the make-up room to molest him thoroughly says otherwise. Kame's taken aback by the possessiveness, but it leaves him smiling. He kisses Jin, over and over; not so much because he feels a need to, but because he wants to show Jin that nobody can take him away.
--
It's not always easy, of course. Jin is jealous of Yamapi, Yamapi is jealous of Kame, and Kame just wants them all to get along. Maybe there's a reason why three people aren't supposed to be a couple. He suggests it a few times, that maybe Jin and Pi should just be together, because he wouldn't mind pull away from this and leave them alone, but after the fifth time he mentions it, they both shake him so bad and shout at him to shut the fuck up so loud that his ears are ringing for hours, so he doesn't suggest it again.
Kame thinks it's like this: They all care about each other in equal measures, but Jin loves Kame (Kame knows this because Jin has told him; whispered into his ear late at night) and Yamapi loves Jin (Kame knows this because Pi told him even if he refuses to tell Jin about it) and Kame doesn't think he loves either of them, not really, so he might as well tell himself that he loves them both. He doesn't say it out loud, however - the one time he tried the words sounded so wrong in his mouth that he grimaced.
"But how does it work?" Maru asks for the fifteenth time, the day after he find about the couple-that-isn't-a-couple. No one told him, but Jin forgot to lock a door, and according to Maru he'll never get the images out of his head ever again.
Kame shrugs and straightens his clothes again, needing less time to get presentable than the two others. "It's like you said. When you like someone, you work to make it work. It's not always easy, but... I like it this way. We like it this way."
Maru looks confused and more than a little skeptical, but he accepts it. Kame tries to explain it to him and Koki a few more times, but eventually he gives up and just lets it be. One thing he has learned is that relationships work better if they're not over-explained.
Three months pass before their first big fight, and Jin and Yamapi doesn't speak to each other for two weeks afterwards. Kame stays away from them both, almost hiding out in his own apartment. He tosses and turns in bed at night, and it takes him a few sleepless nights before he realizes that he can't sleep alone anymore, that he's forgotten how to be on his own. He talks to Jin while working, but it's short sentences, their eyes not meeting, and it doesn't feel real. He talks to Yamapi on the phone and eats lunch with him a couple of times, but it's tense because Jin's not there to joke and fill the void where Yamapi's sentences end and Kame's begin.
So he grabs Jin's hand and pulls him over to Yamapi's apartment, and barges in without even knocking. "Kiss and make up or do whatever it is you're supposed to do to stop fighting, because I hate this," he says and shoves Jin towards Pi.
They both look grumpy, but then Kame adds a "please" and they both sigh heavily, at the exact same time. Kame can see the hint of a smile on Yamapi's face and seconds later Jin bursts out laughing, throws his arms around Pi and squeezes him hard. Yamapi protests loudly and bites Jin's nose, and then they're back to normal.
As normal as normal gets for the three of them, which isn't really saying much. Kame doesn't particularly care. He figures normal is overrated anyway.
--
Jin doesn't tell them about his plans until three days before he's leaving, for good. it comes out of the blue, and Kame doesn't believe him at first, until Jin marches him up to the managers and gets them to confirm it. They don't look happy, and Kame can understand why. He sees the implications for his career and his public life first, then the implications for Jin's life, and then the implications for the two that will be left behind. Kame doesn't sleep for the next two nights, and looks pale and sickly on the last day before Jin's flight.
"But I don't want you to leave," Kame says, not really caring if he sounds selfish. When it comes to Jin, he'll be as selfish as he wants to be.
Jin isn't that easily moved, though. "I know you don't. And Pi doesn't either, right?"
Yamapi's still standing by the door, arms crossed and a scowl on his face, his eyes never leaving Jin's. "No, I don't. I don't see why you think it's a good idea to move to Los Angeles permanently. You'll be away from your family and friends, and you'll be away from us. You'll be on your own, Jin. Can you really handle that?"
There's a small shadow over Jin's face, but he nods nonetheless and slams his suitcase shut. "Yes, I can."
Neither of them dare to ask why, even if it's all they really want to know. Kame knows Jin well enough to know that he has his reasons, but that he'll refuse to explain them. Sometimes, Jin's like a wild cat - you can try to put him in a cage and keep him as a pet, but he's impossible to tame. He wants his freedom, and he'll find it - for himself and for all of them - in any way he can.
At the airport, Kame doesn't cry, but he still feels sad. He has no idea when he'll see Jin again, or what will happen now. He hugs Jin tightly, but refuses to say goodbye. Yamapi hangs back at first, but then Kame waves him over, and Yamapi joins them. It's strange how well a three-way hug can work.
None of them say goodbye. There are lingering glances and hands that don't want to let go and invisible bonds that don't want to be broken, but there are no goodbyes. Kame knows it's because they wouldn't have been able to let Jin go if he said goodbye.
--
They get along fairly well after Jin leaves. Better than Kame would have thought, in fact. Kame wonders if that was partly why Jin left, to make sure that everything would be okay without him. It's a strange kind of logic, but in Jin's head it probably makes perfect sense.
The first month or so, Kame stays away from Yamapi. Not because he doesn't want to see him, but more because he needs to spend some time on his own again, after being surrounded by people for so long. He goes home and visits his family, he goes on a vacation to Okinawa all on his own, spending endless days wandering and reading and thinking. He comes back to Tokyo to find Kat-tun more or less broken up, and he thinks he should be protesting it, but in fact it's sort of a relief. It wouldn't be the same without Jin, and they all know it. Maybe they could've kept going for a couple of years, but it would be like fighting a losing battle all along, and they know how to quit while they're ahead.
He stays in touch with all of them - more with Koki and Maru than with Junno and Ueda - even if he doesn't really have a reason to anymore. Koki and Maru move in together and he spends a week with them, remembering what it's like to laugh and play and have fun. Somehow, it's still far less complicated to be around them than it is to be with Jin and Yamapi. It makes Kame think that maybe he's more emotionally involved with Jin and Yamapi than he thinks. But he likes the simplicity of Maru and Koki's company all the same. It feels nice to be able to just enjoy himself.
Yamapi calls him several times. Every Saturday, three times, at noon and two PM and four PM. Kame doesn't take the call until the fifth Saturday. "You don't give up easily, do you?" he asks, smiling because he likes that he know he won't be alone without Jin.
"I miss you," Yamapi says.
And just like that, they move in together.
It's weird the first weeks. Yamapi seems to work with a different rhythm than Kame, as if his body is set to a different kind of music, and it's difficult to get used to. Kame sleeps on the couch at first because it seems to be wrong to share a bed without Jin. Yamapi makes breakfast and slips out before Kame wakes up, works different hours and goes to different parties, and he's often asleep when Kame gets home. But he leaves little post-it notes on the fridge, and he sends Kame text messages, and sometimes Kame buys Yamapi's favorite breakfasts as he's going home at night, leaving it for Pi to find in the morning. And slowly, day by day, they settle.
"I wish you were here too," Kame tells Jin during a phone call late at night when Pi's fast asleep.
Jin sighs, and Kame can imagine the look on frustration on his face. "Go easy on him, Kame. He's trying, okay? You should try too, and it'll be okay. You'll be fine without me."
"No, we won't," Kame says quietly, but he does what Jin tells him nonetheless, and goes to climb into bed next to Yamapi. Pi stirs and opens his eyes, and smiles sleepily at Kame before pulling him down for a lazy kiss.
Then he lets Kame decide how close he wants to get, but reaches out to take his hand. "Are you going to stay with me now?"
Kame feels like he can hear all the things Yamapi isn't saying. I know that I'm not Jin, and that we both want him to be here, but he's not and all we have is each other. All I have is you, so please don't leave me.
He smiles and moves closer, draping an arm tentatively over Pi's stomach. "Yeah," he confirms. "I'm going to stay with you now."
He hopes that Yamapi can hear what he's not saying as well. You're all that I have too.
--
Three years later they meet up in USA. Kame takes the plane with Yamapi and sleeps through most of the flight with his head on Pi's shoulder, exhausted from months of working too hard and sleeping too little. When he finally wakes up, Yamapi grins and tells him that he kept the entire plane awake with his snoring, but Kame doesn't believe him.
Jin waits for them in LA. Long, shaggy hair, dark sunglasses, torn jeans, t-shirt so big it nearly slips off his shoulder. He takes the sunglasses off when he sees them, beams, and tries to jump them both at the same time. They end up in a laughing pile on the floor, and all Kame can feel is a strong happiness over being together again, all three of them. It's like it was always supposed to be this way, and like a piece of their puzzle has been missing these past few years.
"So, what do you wanna do?" Jin asks in English, and Yamapi hits him over the head.
"You're with us now, speak Japanese."
"But you're in the US, you should be speaking English," Jin retaliates, sticking his tongue out and elbowing Yamapi's stomach in return.
Kame decides to step between them, before they start punching each other as a way of showing they're happy to be together again. "How about we speak Japanese and you speak in whatever language you feel like speaking in?" he asks, smiling as he curls one arm around Jin's waist and one around Pi's.
Jin grumbles. "How about Spanish?"
"Do you actually speak Spanish?" Kame asks. He knows it's a bad idea to contribute to the insanity, but sometimes it's nice to be a bit crazy.
"Well, sort of. There's 'hola, chica' and 'ay caramba' and... Do I need to know anything else?"
"You're an idiot," Yamapi says, and Kame can't hold either of them back as they storm down the crowded hallway. Instead he chases after them, thinking that if he can't beat them, he might as well join them.
They discuss - Pi thinks they're arguing, but Kame and Jin both smack him to prove him wrong - what to do for a while, before Jin decides he wants to show them USA, the real deal, and not just warm streets and dance clubs in LA. He rents a car, and they bicker about who gets to drive before Jin points out that he's the only one with a valid driver's licence. Kame and Yamapi bicker some more about who gets to sit in the front seat, and finally decides it by a game of jan-ken-pon. Yamapi loses, and climbs into the back seat, shoving Jin and Kame's bags out of the way and falling asleep after ten minutes of driving.
Kame is surprised over how easy it is to be together again. After such a long time apart, after getting used to being (mostly) just with Yamapi, it should be awkward. But for now it's simply comfortable. Like everything has fallen back into its rightful place.
Kame spends most of the first day talking quietly with Jin, telling each other about what has happened over the last years even if they already know all about it. There's been mails, letters, phone calls, but it's not the same as being able to turn his head and look at Jin, or reach out and touch his hand. They drive through the first night, and then Jin sleeps while Yamapi drives. Then Kame drives, and the three of them sing along to the CDs Jin has brought along - they don't have to be worried about the lyrics or hitting the right notes and it's so fun and carefree that Kame wishes he never had to go back. It's a strange sensation because he enjoys his work, no matter what kind of stress it brings. He hasn't understood until now just how much it meant for him to have Jin there with him, every step of the way.
It's the third night on the road before they actually stop to stay at a roadside motel for the night. Kame sees the nervous glances that Jin and Yamapi exchange, and understands why they've waited, drawn it out. None of them really know what they are anymore, what it means to be together again, and Kame also thinks it means more to the two of them than it does to him. Not that it's not important to him, but he figures they should focus on just being together instead of trying to find a name for what they are.
"Don't just stand there," he says to Yamapi, and trips him and pushes him at the same time, making him fall down on the large bed. There's a single bed off towards the other end of the room, and Kame sees Jin glancing towards it. He shakes his head and catches Jin's wrist, tugging him towards the bed too. "Let's just... Uhm." Kame suddenly remembers that he's not good at this thing, and he shrugs awkwardly. Jin grins and nods, though, taking the hint.
"Yeah, let's just. That works for me."
Just like way back when, Kame stays a bit in the background, because that feels more comfortable. He wouldn't know what to do with himself if he was suddenly trapped in the middle, and he's glad that Jin and Yamapi has come to accept it. After one night of disaster where Jin ended up with a black eye and Pi ended up with a fractured wrist, they pretty much had to accept it. Kame has never been able to explain it to either of them, but he doesn't think he has to anymore. By now they're all just used to it; it's like this is whe way it's supposed to be even if Kame's sure that it's not quite right.
"Kame," Jin mutters, and Kame moves forwards, feeling like he's being pulled by invisible strings. His head feels light and he presses kisses along Jin's shoulder, feeling him move, watching Yamapi's face over Jin's shoulder, listening to the little moans and gasps and the fleeting words that pass between them. Even if it's far from the first time he sees it, he still doesn't understand all the details of this dance, but he likes it nonetheless.
They're less awkward and stilted after that, and sleep in run-down motels every night, sometimes staying in the same place for a few days because none of them want to get out of bed. Kame remembers what it's like to sleep with Jin's arm around him again, what it's like to wake up to Jin's hoarse moans as Yamapi sucks him off, what it's like to fight with them both over the shower and the sink when they finally get up, what it's like to buy three different kinds of breakfasts and stealing from each other and drinking coffee so strong and hot that it burns his throat.
It's like living the life of a dream he never knew he had.
Jin refused to bring a map, but a large sign one night tells them that they're in Oklahoma. Kame doesn't know anything about it (he knows New York and Los Angeles and not much else), and neither do the others, but it hardly matters. They're heading nowhere anyway. As evening falls, Jin drives the car up a hill and stops, going out to climb onto the hood of the car. Kame shakes Pi awake and follows, sitting down in the middle, for once.
The sun is setting and all they can see is a dark skyline with the occasional lights of a house or five. There's a light breeze through the trees behind them, and the road stretches on endlessly. Kame is sure he has never smelled air so fresh. That is, until Jin lights up a cigarette and blows the smoke in Kame's face.
He just rolls his eyes in return and snatches the cigarette, passing it on to Yamapi afterwards. After talking and singing all day long, they don't feel the need to say anything. Kame is still surprised over the fact that they can simply shut up in each other's company and still be comfortable. He has learned by now that finding this kind of a relationship isn't easy. Finding peace isn't easy, but this is a peace so pure that he wonders if this is really a dream. "Pinch me," he says to Jin, who looks at him blankly and then kisses him instead, nipping at his lower lip. Kame winces, but he still smiles. This is definitely reality.
"Are we going any further today?" Yamapi asks, practical as always. "I really doubt we're going to find a place to stay around here. Unless you want to sleep in a barn."
Jin scoffs. "The weather's nice and there's no one but cows around. We can just sleep here," he says, and lies back on the hood of the car.
Kame hesitates, but then he shrugs and follows Jin's example, pulling Yamapi down with him. "So. Oklahoma, huh?"
"Apparently," Jin mutters, flicking the cigarette butt onto the gravel road before turning his head, smooching Kame's cheek. His hair tickles Kame's skin, and it's so hot that his t-shirt sticks to his skin, and Kame feels like every little sensation is amplified ten times over. He wonders if it's the magic of Oklahoma, or if it's the magic of Jin.
Kame still isn't too sure he understands just what love is. But in moments like these (Jin's arm around his waist, Yamapi's head against his shoulder), he thinks that maybe he can feel it. And he thinks that maybe that's all that matters.
~fin~
Rating: R
Threesome: Akamepi, plus a bit of Nakamaru/Kame/Koki and Toma/Yamapi/Ryo.
Summary: How do you love someone when you don't know what love is?
Warnings: ....does asexuality and general weirdness count?
Notes: 10.322 words. For sun_ming. Don't ask why I decided to work in three threesomes out of the five that were requested. Quite possibly I'm just insane.
There’s a skyline in Oklahoma
Kame doesn't know what love is.
He's not sure when he realized that he wasn't like everyone else he met. Maybe it was when he was ten and wrinkled his nose when he watched his older brother kissing a girl. Maybe it was when he was twelve and his best friend had a very public crush on Kame's next door neighbour, and Kame couldn't understand what he saw in her. Maybe it was when everyone in his class drooled after the new teacher, while Kame just thought she was nice and that she was a good teacher. Maybe it was when he watched porn movies in some guy's basement and found that he was the only one not affected by it at all.
He has watched his friends fall in love over and over, successfully and not so much so. He's watched romance movies with girls, but never understood why they sigh and lean against him every time the music swells and the hero kisses the pretty woman. He's been to weddings, finding himself puzzled over why someone would choose to be with just one person for the rest of their life.
Love is a mystery to him, it always has been, and it doesn't bother him much. It doesn't bother him, but he's curious.
He wants to know if he can fall in love too, just like everyone else.
--
Before he's old enough to have his own apartment, Kame shares a dorm room with Koki. It's a strange experience. After three weeks Kame concludes that Koki just isn't like a normal person. Which suits Kame just fine, seeing as he's hardly a normal person either. In the beginning they walk circles around each other, like cubs trying to measure another's strength, and there are a few arguments and a couple of fights before they decide that they're friends.
But that doesn't make Koki any less weird.
And he talks about girls a lot. So much that Kame starts to think he's just doing it to convince himself that he likes them. After a while, Kame tunes him out and keeps reading, chiming in with a "yeah" and a "uh-huh" every now and then. He doesn't listen at all, not until Koki flings himself down, half in Kame's lap, and makes him listen.
Actually, Kame doesn't really mind listening either, and he sure doesn't mind Koki's friendship. It makes it easier to talk to other people, and come along to parties, and get along with people. Kame has a tendency to want to stay in his room and read or study, but Koki is having none of it, and drags Kame out with him. "You need socializing," he states, and hangs off of Kame until they're asked if they're a couple. Kame snickers over how Koki's face turns beet red, and for the next few hours he's the one hanging off of Koki, just to mess with his head.
Even after they get other friends - Kame spends hours and hours talking to Jin and Koki goes out with Maru for ramen and cheap beer nearly every night - and move into apartments of their own, Kame still sticks with Koki. Everything's easy with him, and he doesn't have to explain anything. Koki accepts him as weird, and Kame accepts that Koki calls him that. It works out just fine.
Kame thinks he has lost Koki after coming back from hanging out with Yamapi for months, because all Koki can talk about is Maru. Not that Kame really minds; he likes Maru too, but hearing every single little detail about him is a bit much at three in the morning. "You look like an adoring puppy," he comments, and Koki smacks him before flopping down on Kame's couch.
It's just like old times, and Kame wonders just when he got old and jaded enough to be able to look back on his past and call it 'old times'.
--
Kame watches them from a distance, safely tucked away from the din of voices and boys running around being idiots. His eyes are hidden behind sunglasses, so he's free to look at whatever he wants. And he watches Toma with curiosity, trying to make sense of the way he wanders around the rooms in circles and squares and patterns that it seems like only he can see. Kame realizes what Toma's ultimate goal is, though.
It's Yamapi.
Pi, who's standing close to Ryo almost directly opposite Kame, talking quietly. Toma takes a few steps directly closer, then pauses. Steps closer, then pauses. To Kame, it's like a watching a dance that he never learned the steps to. It's fascinating, but strange. Kame's older now, but he still doesn't get all of this.
Yamapi doesn't notice Toma's advance, but Ryo does, and he nudges Pi, nodding in Toma's direction. Kame watches Toma freeze uncertainly and then the smile lighting up Pi's face. He watches Yamapi free himself from Ryo to run over and hug Toma, and he watches the darkness on Ryo's face. However, Pi seems oblivious to it and pulls Toma over, chattering. Because of the distance, Kame can't hear a word they're saying, but he recognizes a chattering Yamapi when he sees it, especially because it happens so rarely. No doubt it's caused by Toma's presence, and Kame realizes that Ryo understands that too.
Toma looks sheepish and still uncertain, but he holds Yamapi's hand and stands close to him. Seems unwilling to let go. Ryo's eyes narrow and he takes a step closer, his expression almost like a sneer from some predatory cat. Even with the distance, Kame can sense the tension between them. He wonders if Toma's angry because Ryo has taken his place, and if Ryo's jealous because Yamapi is giving someone else such obvious affection. He thinks that maybe Toma was the past and Ryo is the present, and it makes him wonder what - or who - Yamapi's future is.
He wants to stay and watch everything unfold, but he's interrupted by Koki, who grabs his hand and drags him along because they're performing next and watching his sort-of-friends' love lives shouldn't be high on Kame's list of priorities right now.
After the concert's over, there's no trace of Yamapi, Ryo or Toma. Kame looks around for them, but then forgets all about it until he heads down a different hallway than most of the others to get a jacket he forgot. He hears a noise, opens a door, and there they are.
Yamapi leans against a table, his shirt open and his hair ruffled, his cheeks red and his lips - his lips, Kame thinks, feeling dizzy - swollen, his tongue darting out to wet them every now and then. Kame is so busy staring at Pi that it takes him a while to notice the two on their knees in front of him. The view is obscured by a few chairs and well, by Toma and Ryo as well, but Kame is smart enough to understand what's going on, especially with how Yamapi closes his eyes and moans and mutters "yeah, that's it, go on".
As if he's glued in place, Kame stays where he is, watching. Toma gives Ryo a little shove and Ryo hisses back, Toma does it again and Ryo pushes him back so hard that Toma loses his balance, falling to the side and giving Kame a view of Pi's hip and thigh. Once Toma has moved up again, Yamapi grabs his hair, and Ryo's hair, tangles his fingers into it and yanks slightly. He's grinning as he tells them to behave. And they do. Kame doesn't understand why they're willing to share, but that's exactly what they do.
He feels slightly guilty for watching, especially when Yamapi grows a bit louder, leaning his head back with a groan when he comes, but it's impossible to move away. It's not that the sight turns him on, but it's fascinating nonetheless.
Toma gets to his feet seconds before Ryo, and kisses Yamapi first, before he moves out of the way to let Yamapi kiss Ryo as well. "You two as well," Yamapi mutters, and they do as they're told. The kiss is harsh, even Kame can see that, but they're still kissing, hands fisted in each other's rumpled shirts.
As he closes the door quietly - he doesn't think he wants to see the rest - Kame wonders if it's love, what they have, or if it's just about pride and fighting.
He's not all too surprised when he learns the news a month later; Ryo and Yamapi are broken up but still friends, Toma's dating some girl who's crazy about him. Kame concludes that it couldn't have been love.
--
Kame finds out that Koki and Maru are more than friends when he stumbles over them while they're on the floor kissing. For a second or two, he stares at them without comprehending what's going on - he's so used to seeing them both as just friends and friends of each other that thinking of them as something else seems half impossible.
But the signs are clearly there.
There's the flush on Maru's cheeks and the ruffled hair, there's the way Koki's arms are around him, almost possessively. There's the way they're so comfortable with sitting this close together, so close that Kame thinks it would be impossible to put even something as small as a CD between them. There's the way Koki's eyes linger on Maru, even after Kame barged in on them. There's the way Maru looks embarrassed but still comfortable, as if he's been waiting for an opportunity to spill the secret to someone. There's also a nearly nervous silence, because Kame doesn't know what to do and he's fairly sure he shouldn't have
"Uhm," Kame says, uselessly.
"Uhm," Koki replies, just as uselessly.
"Yeah, I think so too," Maru concludes, and pulls Kame down onto the floor to tickle him until they all forget the awkwardness.
Kame catches his breath and looks up at the two of them, tilting his head. "So that was why you were talking about him so much," he says to Koki, who flushes and mumbles an incoherent reply before dragging Kame up and squishing him as if he's a giant plushie. Kame flails, but he grins nonetheless.
--
For the past two months, Jin has tried to set Kame up with a variety of girls. Most of them have been cute, a fair few have been pretty, and a couple have been stunning. Some have been so stupid that Kame has been surprised they've managed to open a door and chew gum at the same time, while others have been so smart that Kame has felt like an utter idiot with them. Jin has sent him off on dates alone or come along on double dates, but for Kame it has always been just as awkward. Sure, he manages the talking just fine, and he can be a gentleman and be attentive and pay the girl a few compliments. He can even flirt if he has to, so he figures he doesn't do too badly.
But then the girls ask for his number, or they want to dance, or they try to hold his hand or cling or they lean in with hopes that he'll kiss them goodnight, and Kame nearly panics every time. He tenses up and becomes awkward and says or does the worst thing possible, and more often or not the girl in question will call Jin the next day and tell him that she doesn't want to see Kame ever again.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Jin finally asks, after what feels like failed date number one million.
"You don't understand, Jin," Kame says with exasperation in his voice, holding his hands up in front of him as if he wants to protect himself. "I... I don't like girls. I don't want to date them."
"So you like boys," Jin nods, like he's confirming something he has known for years.
Kame shakes his head, looking embarrassed. "No, I don't. Not that way, anyway."
The reply causes a puzzled expression on Jin's face. He's silent for a while, and then he grins. "So, what? You love kittens? 'Cause I gotta tell you... As cute as that sounds, the literal implication is more gross than anything else."
Kame starts to regret having started this particular topic of discussion in the first place. "Jin," he says, surprised over how weary he sounds.
Apparently Jin catches the change as well, because he's suddenly serious, and walks over to sit next to Kame, almost cautiously. "Do you really mean it? You don't like girls and you don't like boys? Not at all?"
Pause. The silence is nice at first, but then it becomes awkward. For several minutes, Kame tells himself over and over that he needs to say something. Now, damnit, say something. "I'veneverevenkissedanyone," he finally blurts out, and winces seconds afterwards because fuck, why did he say that?
"What does that have to do with anything? And it's not like it's a big deal. It's easy to get kissed. See, I'll show you," Jin says. And then he does.
Kame doesn't even comprehend what's happening until Jin's lips are pressing against his own; soft but firm, a little too dry just like Kame's own. He frowns and shifts slightly and bumps his nose into Jin's, then tries to move so this is less awkward and ends up stepping on Jin's foot.
Jin grimaces and pulls back, looking vaguely amused. "You weren't kidding. You're a terrible kisser."
"Well, you're not that good either," Kame retorts.
"I can prove to you that I'm not if you hadn't been acting like you have a stick shoved up your ass. That part comes after the kissing."
They bicker just to keep from talking about what really matters. Kame doesn't want to say it, and it seems like Jin doesn't really want to hear it. Quite frankly, Kame's relieved, and he spends the next four days avoiding Jin as much as he can.
It takes a few weeks before Jin asks again. Kame had hoped the topic would never come up for discussion again, but he knows that Jin wouldn't be able to let something so big just slide. However, he's still awkward, nervousness radiating off of him in a way that makes Kame take pity on him. "You can ask about it," he finally says, giving up trying to avoid it and sitting down next to Jin. Maybe it's not the best of times to be talking about this, between one photo shoot and the next, but it's a good a time as they're likely to get.
"I asked Pi," Jin begins, then falters. Kame just waits. "I asked Pi about it, and he said he wasn't surprised. Because you've never been interested in girls that way, or boys. But I... It's weird, isn't it?"
"Not any weirder than going on dates every week and sleeping around thoughtlessly."
Jin has the decency to look embarrassed, but he doesn't back down. "So it's like that, then? You're just not interested in anyone at all?"
Kame sighs and rubs his temples; this is giving him a headache. "Yeah, that's pretty much it. I don't get the point of it. I don't feel like I want to be close to anyone that way. I don't really mind dancing close to someone or hugging or I guess maybe even kissing, but... I wouldn't mind living without it either."
For a while, they're quiet. Kame ponders his own words, still trying to figure out why he is like this, why he's so different from everyone he knows. He knows boys who like girls, boys who like boys, girls who like boys and girls who like girls, but he doesn't like anyone and he has no idea why. Sometimes, he really wishes he had been born normal instead of this, this wordless nothing that he can't even begin to explain. It would've been better to be gay, he thinks. It would've been difficult, but at least he would've known who he was, what he was.
"But do you jerk off like other guys?"
Jin's question forces Kame out of his thoughts, and he stares blankly back at him and answers without thinking. "Not really, no."
"What do you mean, not really?"
Kame shifts and gets up; this is too awkward. But this is also Jin, and he knows that despite everything, Jin might be the only one he can talk about these things to. "I've tried it a few times because everyone were talking about it, but it wasn't really all that interesting to me."
"But you can get hard if you try it? You're not like, sick or anything?"
There's a pause in which they simply stare at each other, and Kame really wonders if Jin was born without tact or if he deliberately lost it somewhere along the line while he was growing up. He doesn't blush, but he shifts awkwardly from one foot to the other and then turns his head to watch Junno's photo shoot instead of looking at Jin. It's easier this way. "I can, yeah. If I really want to. I just...generally don't want to."
"You're the weirdest guy alive," Jin states and gets to his feet, patting Kame's shoulders twice before setting off to change for the next photo shoot.
And that's that.
--
"So, I heard you're terrible at kissing," Yamapi says by way of saying hello, and Jin half flees from the room. Which is a good thing; because otherwise Kame would kill him, and that would sure as hell reach the tabloids.
"I'm not terrible! He just caught me by surprise, that's all. You'd think that when a guy is going to kiss another guy, he would be polite enough to give a moment of warning," Kame says, defending himself. True, he doesn't really care about any of this all that much, but he doesn't want to get a reputation as a horrible kisser. Mostly because he's sure that would reach the tabloids as well, and then he'd have to answer countless questions about it, and it's just annoying.
Yamapi grins, in a way that makes Kame slightly uncomfortable. He takes a few steps closer to Kame, looking far too innocent to be innocent. "Like this, you mean?" he says, and waits about three seconds before he kisses Kame.
Who splutters and takes an abrupt step backwards, losing his balance and crashing down a small flight of stairs. He's bruised for weeks, and he still ends up with a reputation as a bad kisser.
Kame has a feeling that he just can't win.
--
"How does it work?" Kame asks Maru, wincing because it comes out more bluntly than he had intended. He's not too good at this stuff.
But Maru just laughs and glances over at Koki, messing about with Jin a few feet away. "Oh, it works just fine. It was a bit awkward at first, sure, but... When you like someone, you work to make it work. You know what I mean?"
Kame really doesn't.
He doesn't understand, but he sees the warmth in Maru's eyes whenever he looks at Koki, he sees the way Maru smiles more and the way Koki beams back at him. He sees the casual affection; how Koki leans against Maru, how Maru winds an arm around Koki, how they keep their heads close together when they talk, how they laugh in sync with each other. He sees it, but he doesn't understand.
"How about we show you how it works?" Koki asks out of the blue, grinning as he puts his arms around Maru and pulls him close.
Maru grimaces, reaching back to smack Koki's forehead. "We can't show him, pervert. No matter how much you'd like that. It'd just be weird, right, Kame?"
"I don't know," Kame replies, because he really doesn't know. "Maybe it'd be a good thing. Ne, Koki?"
He pretends he doesn't see Maru's expression, or hear the almost warning coughs, and he keeps his eyes locked with Koki's. Maybe this is a stupid idea, but he wants to go through with it nonetheless. He's pretty sure that it'll give him some answers, and quite possibly it could be fun as well. It's supposed to be fun, that much he has learned from listening to his friends' conversations and watching movies - both romantic ones and ones that are nothing but porn. Koki smiles slowly, and then laughs, before he lets go of Maru and hugs Kame instead, ruffling his hair. "It will be a good thing, I'm sure of it."
Except that it's not. Not in the beginning, at least. Kame feels a bit too sober and Maru looks too drunk, and Koki seems to not quite know where to direct his attention. Kame thinks about just going home and leaving them to be together, just the two of them, but then Maru shakes his head and reaches out, pulling Kame closer, half onto his lap. He just about has the time to see the amused expression on Koki's face before he finds himself kissing Maru, and even if it's more than a little clumsy, it still feels more natural and easy than with Jin or Yamapi. Funny, Kame thinks and closes his eyes, and wonders if this is what love is.
They stay on the couch with the TV still on and the lights turned down low, because moving into the bedroom and the bed would be too official, too strange. Kame lets Maru pull him down beneath him, and he links his arms around Maru's neck because he's fairly sure that's what he's supposed to do. Maru smiles against Kame's lips and tells him what to do, shows him that kissing can be good instead of awkward. It feels kind of strange to be this close to someone he's always considered to be just a friend, and it becomes even stranger when he suddenly has Maru's full weight on him. "When did you get so heavy?" Kame chokes out.
He gets soft laughter in return, and Maru's tongue tracing his lips. "It's not just me anymore."
Kame glances over Maru's shoulder and Koki waves back at him, grinning. "Don't worry, you'll be able to breathe. Suffocating you would be kinda bad, right? And besides, we're not that heavy."
"Uh huh. Whatever you say," Kame says, but he's smiling because this isn't as strange as he thought it would be. It's nothing earth-shattering either, but it's nice. Comforting. Kame thinks he could get used to this.
Koki tugs Maru's top up and off, and Kame runs his hands over Maru's chest tentatively. He has no idea what he's supposed to do, but Maru shows him again, telling him in a quiet voice what feels good and what's just plain uncomfortable. After a while, though, Maru's voice hitches and falters, and Kame looks up at him, wondering what he did wrong. "Don't worry," Maru mutters, and leans down to kiss him again. Kame can feel the slight rocking of his body, pressed flush against his own, and feels his skin heat up when he understands what's going on.
It's tempting to try to escape, but he doesn't, and instead he presses against Maru, drawing his nails lightly down his chest. "Stroke him," Koki mutters, and for a second Kame wonders who he's talking to. "Yeah, you," Koki continues and leans forwards enough to plant a kiss on Kame's forehead. Maru groans with the movement, but doesn't protest. Kame can understand why.
What he can't understand is how he's supposed to do what Koki asks. Apparently Maru senses his cluelessness, and takes Kame's hand, guiding him. "Y-you don't mind being in the middle, do you?" Kame stutters as he starts moving his hand; uncertainly at first and then with more confidence when it becomes clear that he's at least not doing anything that's painful for Maru.
"Who would mind being caught between you two?" Maru asks in return, linking his fingers with Kame before twisting around enough to kiss Koki, hungrily. Kame wonders if he should feel left out, especially seeing as he's still fully dressed (and without any plans for taking any of them off either), but then Maru turns to kiss him again, just as hungrily, and Kame feels the weight of them both on him. This time it's comforting instead of too heavy.
"Do you always do it...like that?" Kame asks curiously afterwards, when they've returned to watching the movie and drinking beer, lukewarm by now.
Koki raises an eyebrow and glances over at him. "You mean on the couch in the living room with one of our friends present? Yeah, sure, we always do it like that. Haven't you heard? Sex is always better when you're three instead of two."
"That's not what I meant, idiot."
"You mean does he always fuck me, right?" Maru cuts through their remarks before the bickering turns into fighting - Maru is good at that.
Kame nods. "Yeah, that's what I meant. I'm glad that not everyone around here is as stupid as a cardboard box."
Instead of retaliating, Koki just shifts closer to Maru, leaning against him. "We switch it around. Depends what we feel like right then and there."
"And that works?"
"Yeah, it does," Maru confirms. "It's not like either of us is the girl or anything like that, you know? We just... We don't plan anything. Whatever happens, happens. Sorry, that probably doesn't help you much, huh?"
Kame considers the information, and tries to make sense of it. Tries to understand what it's like to be in a relationship instead of just a friendship. He thinks he can see it, but he's not sure if it'll ever happen to him. But as long as he has this, he won't be alone. "Nah, not really, but that's okay. I think I get how it works now. Sort of."
"Yeah, you were always a bit slow," Koki chimes in from the other side of Maru, and Kame throws a pillow at him.
--
Kame doesn't mean to overhear it. That's what he tells himself, but he knows it's no excuse. He could get up and walk out, of course. It'd be easy to do it, and they'd never know. But on the other hand, no one knows he's hiding out in here to get a moment's peace and quiet, so they will never know anyway, unless he tells them himself. And he's not planning on doing that in a million years.
"I... I like you," Yamapi says, sounding like he can't quite believe what he's saying.
Jin just laughs. "Of course you like me, stupid. We're friends, aren't we?" Kame thinks that sometimes, Jin really is a tiny bit too oblivious for his own good.
From Pi's frustrated groan Kame can tell that he thinks the same thing. "No, you don't get it. I like you like you."
"Oh," Jin replies, and doesn't say anything else for a while. "I'm sorry, I... I like Kame."
On the other side of the wall, Kame blinks and nearly falls off the boxes he's sitting on. Of all the things Jin might've replied, he definitely hadn't thought that would be the one he went for. Hell, Kame has never really considered the possibility that someone he knows might actually have feelings for him.
But apparently, Yamapi has considered it. "I know," he says. "I knew that before you did. But I still thought you should know. About me, I mean."
"Yeah, I... Thanks," Jin says awkwardly, and then all Kame hears is quiet laughter and vague movement. He has no idea if they're fighting or hugging, but he's certainly hoping it's the latter.
--
Jin doesn't confess to Kame until several weeks later. He stammers and stutters and kicks the ground and shuffles and it's so painful to watch that Kame cuts him short.
"I know what you're trying to say. I heard you and Pi talking a while back."
Jin blinks at him stupidly. If it hadn't been such a strange situation, Kame would have laughed. Jin, however, does not look very amused. "You were eaves-dropping? That's pretty rude, you know."
"Look at it this way; I saved you the trouble of actually getting the words out of your mouth. 'Cause you weren't doing too well with that."
"Don't be such a bastard. I'm trying to ask you out here." Jin looks uncomfortable and embarrassed, and Kame is pretty sure that the two of them on a date would be nothing short of hilarious. But he still goes along with it. He's not quite sure why, if it's from curiosity or affection or if he simply doesn't want to hurt Jin. Maybe it's just the right thing to do. Maybe it's because he doesn't want to be alone for the rest of his life, and save for marrying a lesbian or adopting either kids or kittens, he thinks this might be the only way.
The first date really is hilarious; Jin shows up an hour late, the restaurant won't seat them, the food is horrible, they can't for the life of them find anything to talk about. After a couple of hours of tense silence and monosyllabic conversations, Kame sighs. "Call Yamapi and invite him over," he says, catching Jin by surprise.
"You... You want Pi here? With us? Isn't that a weird kind of a date?"
"In case you didn't notice, this is already a weird kind of a date."
Jin grins. "Good point."
Yamapi joins them twenty minutes later, and it makes everything far easier. He jokes and teases and they talk about work and travel and studies and movies and girls. Because Jin likes the ladies and they all know that, and Yamapi's more serious relationships have all been with girls and they all know that, and Kame... Kame thinks girls are pretty and he likes them as long as he can keep them as friends and they don't get too clingy and they all know that as well. They head over to a smaller back-alley takoyaki stand afterwards and hand feed each other just for the hell of it, drinking cheap beer and walking home in a winding sort of a way that makes Kame wonder if they'll ever reach either of their apartments.
"I think I like weird dates," Jin states at the end of the evening, his voice a semi-drunken slur, and he leans so heavily against Kame that they both lose their balance, nearly toppling over if it hadn't been for Yamapi catching them.
"Yeah, same here," Kame agrees and kisses them both; first Jin, then Yamapi, and then he laughs at their shocked expressions.
He might've had a little too much to drink.
--
One date turns into two, two dates turn into four, and four turns into Yamapi jerking Jin off in the bathroom of a club with Kame half keeping watch and half watching them. Five turns into Jin on his knees sucking Yamapi off, with Kame sitting on a table near by, not taking his eyes off either of them. Six turns into all three of them in Jin's apartment, kissing and stumbling their way to the bedroom. Kame tries to pull free, but he's caught and pulled with them. "You're part of this too," Jin breathes, and Kame gives in, at least somewhat.
He stays off to the side, watching more than he participates, but he moves in to kiss Yamapi or to stroke his hand down Jin's spine, and he's perfectly content with staying at a distance. It's all too clear that the two others think that it's weird, but he doesn't have any explanations to offer. All he can do is to try to give of himself, and push his limits for what he's comfortable with or interested in doing. He tries, he really does, and the second time he slips in next to Jin, wrapping an arm around him and kissing his neck, his tongue tracing the vein in Jin's neck. "You could at least strip, your jeans are too rough," Jin complains, but the way he covers Kame's hand with his own betrays that he doesn't mind it all that much as long as Kame's there.
The first and second time it's enough, and the third and the fourth, and by that time Kame thinks they've found something that works well enough. He likes watching, it interests him - as if he's watching a documentary about a fascinating subject he knows nothing about. Maybe it's a bit strange that he doesn't want to get closer, that he doesn't feel a big need to touch or kiss Jin or Yamapi, but he thinks they look better together than he would ever do with either of them anyway.
"Enough. I'm sick of this," Jin says abruptly and pulls away from Yamapi, sitting back on his heels to look at Kame, still standing in the middle of the room.
"Gee, thanks," Pi mutters. "You really know how to stroke a guy's ego."
"Shut up. I'm bored with you. I want him for a change." Jin points to Kame, who blinks back at him and takes a few steps away. He might be clueless at times, but he sees what's coming.
"No, Jin, I---"
Jin shakes his head and gets up, walking over to him. "Okay, listen. I dig being with you, with the both of you. But right now it's like... Like being a couple and having some weird observer every time we fuck. That's just not cool."
Yamapi sits up, tugging off his shirt. "He's has a pretty good point. It's starting to get weird, you know?"
Jin: "I'm not asking much here, ne? I just want to be close to you. At least once. C'mon. You can't expect this to work if you just watch all the time."
Yamapi: "And besides, I'm getting kind of sick of him too. You'd be doing me a favour."
Kame sighs and hides a smile. He's curious, sure, and it's nice to be wanted. And Jin's right - this thing, whatever it is, is fragile enough to break unless they all try, unless they are all willing to give. Kame nods, once, and then Jin's kissing him, so eager that they bang their heads together.
"You two fail," Yamapi comments and reaches forwards to drag them both down onto the bed.
Kame's not sure just how he ends up undressed in such a short time, but he shivers a little because he feels stripped of his defenses. Somehow, Yamapi sees the things that Jin can't, and leans back against the stack of pillows, pulling Kame with him; Kame's back against Pi's chest. "Don't worry," he says, wrapping his arms securely around Kame. "He might look like a sex-crazed monster, but he's pretty gentle unless you tell him otherwise."
"I do not look like a sex-crazed monster," Jin protests, but considering that he's kneeling on a bed, naked and hard and reaching for the lube, it's not really a valid objection.
But it makes Kame laugh enough to relax, and even if he's still nervous, he lets himself trust Jin enough to do this. It's far from perfect, but Kame never expected perfection. It hurts too much at first because even if Jin's trembling with the effort of being gentle and going slow, he's still not slow enough. Then the angles are awkward and Jin slams his head into Yamapi's, and Kame digs his nails into Jin's arms, and they spend half the time cursing each other and the other half of the time laughing because apparently, they all fail at this.
Kame hears the moans and feels the way Jin moves change, and he shifts to arch his back, trying to move against Jin. He has no idea what he's doing, but he's not stupid, and with the way Jin shudders and tenses, he figures he has done something right. What really surprises him, though, is how out of breath and trembly he is himself as well.
Yamapi runs a tongue slowly along Kame's neck and nips at his ear, smiling against it. "Can you handle some more?" he asks, but doesn't wait for Kame's answer before pushing into him, his hands on Kame's hips, keeping him steady.
"Fuck," Jin says, wide-eyed. "That might be the hottest thing I've ever seen."
Kame opens his mouth to retort, but instead he finds himself moaning, because even if sex doesn't interest him all that much, his body is not insensitive. He closes his eyes and moves his hands over Yamapi's, moving with him, against him, being caught between wanting more, always, and never wanting to feel this again.
There's a light touch of fingers over his lower stomach, and Kame looks down, startled, only to find Jin grinning up at him. "You can come, right?" he asks, and Kame is on the way to smack him, but then Jin starts sucking him, and Kame forgets all about the entire world outside of Yamapi and Jin and this bed, this room.
It takes a far longer time than it really should and more of Jin's stubbornness than anything else, but eventually they're stretched out on the bed, side by side, and Kame feels exhausted and aching in a whole different kind of way. "So that's what it's like," he muses, and wonders if it's all worth it. He looks over at Yamapi and then at Jin, and decides that it is, though he hopes it'll take less work next time.
Except that 'next time' equals Jin catching him by surprise and being far too rough for Kame's liking, and he refuses to apologize after his fist connects with Jin's nose, breaking it.
After that, Jin decides to stick to fucking Yamapi. For the most part.
Kame has to admit he's relieved, even if he doesn't say it out loud. He's pretty sure they get it even if he doesn't say it.
--
"Why are you willing to share?" Yamapi asks Jin one lazy Sunday morning, with his head on Jin's shoulder and his arm around Kame. They're all still half asleep, and Kame thinks it's too early for discussions. The sun is up, shining through the curtains, and everything feels warm and comfortable. Kame doesn't believe in perfection, but he thinks this comes pretty close.
Jin runs a hand through his hair, shrugs, smiles at them. "Because having something is better than having nothing. Because I like you both enough to share. Because I'm closer to that idiot with you between us," he replies. He sounds like he knows what he means, like he has weighed the good up with the bad and calculated that this works out fine.
"Your logic does not resemble earth logic," Yamapi says dryly.
"Neither does yours," Jin points out, and five seconds later the pillow fight breaks out.
Kame has to break them up by throwing a bucket of ice cold water over them, and he flees through the apartment howling with laughter when Jin and Pi chase after him, determined to get revenge.
--
Even if Kame doesn't understand love, doesn't care all that much about getting laid, he still plays his part well. He's an actor, after all, he might as well act as if he loves just like everyone else does. Even now he still goes on a few dates with girls, just enough to get the rumours going. Jin and Yamapi does the same, but none of them speak much of it - they've made a deal about how far they can go and they trust each other enough to not pry into the details of what's going on during the dates.
There's doramas and music videos and TV shows and photo shoots, and Kame plays a part through it all. He's oblivious to the way Jin's standing on the sideline, his eyes darkening over the way Kame is half molesting a fairly uncomfortable Junno. Kame doesn't think much of it - it's just make-believe, it's not real.
"You're being too over the top," Jin complains once Kame steps off the set.
Kame blinks. "What do you mean?"
"It doesn't work when you're trying to be so sexy. You come off looking like an idiot."
"Like you, you mean?" Kame smirks and changes his shirt for the group shots, leaving the top four buttons open because he knows that the photographers want.
"No, not like me. I'm never over the top and I really do look hot, unlike you," Jin snaps back. "And stop doing that stuff to Junno. He doesn't know how to handle it."
"You're making me sound like I'm five," Junno chimes in, walking over to join them for no good reason. Anyone else would have walked away, but Junno has a tendency to walk head-first into danger instead of staying away from it.
Kame can't help but laugh, and takes Junno's hand, swinging their linked hands like they really are five years old. "You're cute enough to pull it off."
Jin curses, and steps between them, pushing them apart forcefully.
"What's wrong with you?" Kame asks, genuinely surprised.
"I just think you're being stupid."
"And he's jealous," Junno adds helpfully.
"I'm not jealous," Jin says, but the way he grabs Kame's hand and drags him off to the make-up room to molest him thoroughly says otherwise. Kame's taken aback by the possessiveness, but it leaves him smiling. He kisses Jin, over and over; not so much because he feels a need to, but because he wants to show Jin that nobody can take him away.
--
It's not always easy, of course. Jin is jealous of Yamapi, Yamapi is jealous of Kame, and Kame just wants them all to get along. Maybe there's a reason why three people aren't supposed to be a couple. He suggests it a few times, that maybe Jin and Pi should just be together, because he wouldn't mind pull away from this and leave them alone, but after the fifth time he mentions it, they both shake him so bad and shout at him to shut the fuck up so loud that his ears are ringing for hours, so he doesn't suggest it again.
Kame thinks it's like this: They all care about each other in equal measures, but Jin loves Kame (Kame knows this because Jin has told him; whispered into his ear late at night) and Yamapi loves Jin (Kame knows this because Pi told him even if he refuses to tell Jin about it) and Kame doesn't think he loves either of them, not really, so he might as well tell himself that he loves them both. He doesn't say it out loud, however - the one time he tried the words sounded so wrong in his mouth that he grimaced.
"But how does it work?" Maru asks for the fifteenth time, the day after he find about the couple-that-isn't-a-couple. No one told him, but Jin forgot to lock a door, and according to Maru he'll never get the images out of his head ever again.
Kame shrugs and straightens his clothes again, needing less time to get presentable than the two others. "It's like you said. When you like someone, you work to make it work. It's not always easy, but... I like it this way. We like it this way."
Maru looks confused and more than a little skeptical, but he accepts it. Kame tries to explain it to him and Koki a few more times, but eventually he gives up and just lets it be. One thing he has learned is that relationships work better if they're not over-explained.
Three months pass before their first big fight, and Jin and Yamapi doesn't speak to each other for two weeks afterwards. Kame stays away from them both, almost hiding out in his own apartment. He tosses and turns in bed at night, and it takes him a few sleepless nights before he realizes that he can't sleep alone anymore, that he's forgotten how to be on his own. He talks to Jin while working, but it's short sentences, their eyes not meeting, and it doesn't feel real. He talks to Yamapi on the phone and eats lunch with him a couple of times, but it's tense because Jin's not there to joke and fill the void where Yamapi's sentences end and Kame's begin.
So he grabs Jin's hand and pulls him over to Yamapi's apartment, and barges in without even knocking. "Kiss and make up or do whatever it is you're supposed to do to stop fighting, because I hate this," he says and shoves Jin towards Pi.
They both look grumpy, but then Kame adds a "please" and they both sigh heavily, at the exact same time. Kame can see the hint of a smile on Yamapi's face and seconds later Jin bursts out laughing, throws his arms around Pi and squeezes him hard. Yamapi protests loudly and bites Jin's nose, and then they're back to normal.
As normal as normal gets for the three of them, which isn't really saying much. Kame doesn't particularly care. He figures normal is overrated anyway.
--
Jin doesn't tell them about his plans until three days before he's leaving, for good. it comes out of the blue, and Kame doesn't believe him at first, until Jin marches him up to the managers and gets them to confirm it. They don't look happy, and Kame can understand why. He sees the implications for his career and his public life first, then the implications for Jin's life, and then the implications for the two that will be left behind. Kame doesn't sleep for the next two nights, and looks pale and sickly on the last day before Jin's flight.
"But I don't want you to leave," Kame says, not really caring if he sounds selfish. When it comes to Jin, he'll be as selfish as he wants to be.
Jin isn't that easily moved, though. "I know you don't. And Pi doesn't either, right?"
Yamapi's still standing by the door, arms crossed and a scowl on his face, his eyes never leaving Jin's. "No, I don't. I don't see why you think it's a good idea to move to Los Angeles permanently. You'll be away from your family and friends, and you'll be away from us. You'll be on your own, Jin. Can you really handle that?"
There's a small shadow over Jin's face, but he nods nonetheless and slams his suitcase shut. "Yes, I can."
Neither of them dare to ask why, even if it's all they really want to know. Kame knows Jin well enough to know that he has his reasons, but that he'll refuse to explain them. Sometimes, Jin's like a wild cat - you can try to put him in a cage and keep him as a pet, but he's impossible to tame. He wants his freedom, and he'll find it - for himself and for all of them - in any way he can.
At the airport, Kame doesn't cry, but he still feels sad. He has no idea when he'll see Jin again, or what will happen now. He hugs Jin tightly, but refuses to say goodbye. Yamapi hangs back at first, but then Kame waves him over, and Yamapi joins them. It's strange how well a three-way hug can work.
None of them say goodbye. There are lingering glances and hands that don't want to let go and invisible bonds that don't want to be broken, but there are no goodbyes. Kame knows it's because they wouldn't have been able to let Jin go if he said goodbye.
--
They get along fairly well after Jin leaves. Better than Kame would have thought, in fact. Kame wonders if that was partly why Jin left, to make sure that everything would be okay without him. It's a strange kind of logic, but in Jin's head it probably makes perfect sense.
The first month or so, Kame stays away from Yamapi. Not because he doesn't want to see him, but more because he needs to spend some time on his own again, after being surrounded by people for so long. He goes home and visits his family, he goes on a vacation to Okinawa all on his own, spending endless days wandering and reading and thinking. He comes back to Tokyo to find Kat-tun more or less broken up, and he thinks he should be protesting it, but in fact it's sort of a relief. It wouldn't be the same without Jin, and they all know it. Maybe they could've kept going for a couple of years, but it would be like fighting a losing battle all along, and they know how to quit while they're ahead.
He stays in touch with all of them - more with Koki and Maru than with Junno and Ueda - even if he doesn't really have a reason to anymore. Koki and Maru move in together and he spends a week with them, remembering what it's like to laugh and play and have fun. Somehow, it's still far less complicated to be around them than it is to be with Jin and Yamapi. It makes Kame think that maybe he's more emotionally involved with Jin and Yamapi than he thinks. But he likes the simplicity of Maru and Koki's company all the same. It feels nice to be able to just enjoy himself.
Yamapi calls him several times. Every Saturday, three times, at noon and two PM and four PM. Kame doesn't take the call until the fifth Saturday. "You don't give up easily, do you?" he asks, smiling because he likes that he know he won't be alone without Jin.
"I miss you," Yamapi says.
And just like that, they move in together.
It's weird the first weeks. Yamapi seems to work with a different rhythm than Kame, as if his body is set to a different kind of music, and it's difficult to get used to. Kame sleeps on the couch at first because it seems to be wrong to share a bed without Jin. Yamapi makes breakfast and slips out before Kame wakes up, works different hours and goes to different parties, and he's often asleep when Kame gets home. But he leaves little post-it notes on the fridge, and he sends Kame text messages, and sometimes Kame buys Yamapi's favorite breakfasts as he's going home at night, leaving it for Pi to find in the morning. And slowly, day by day, they settle.
"I wish you were here too," Kame tells Jin during a phone call late at night when Pi's fast asleep.
Jin sighs, and Kame can imagine the look on frustration on his face. "Go easy on him, Kame. He's trying, okay? You should try too, and it'll be okay. You'll be fine without me."
"No, we won't," Kame says quietly, but he does what Jin tells him nonetheless, and goes to climb into bed next to Yamapi. Pi stirs and opens his eyes, and smiles sleepily at Kame before pulling him down for a lazy kiss.
Then he lets Kame decide how close he wants to get, but reaches out to take his hand. "Are you going to stay with me now?"
Kame feels like he can hear all the things Yamapi isn't saying. I know that I'm not Jin, and that we both want him to be here, but he's not and all we have is each other. All I have is you, so please don't leave me.
He smiles and moves closer, draping an arm tentatively over Pi's stomach. "Yeah," he confirms. "I'm going to stay with you now."
He hopes that Yamapi can hear what he's not saying as well. You're all that I have too.
--
Three years later they meet up in USA. Kame takes the plane with Yamapi and sleeps through most of the flight with his head on Pi's shoulder, exhausted from months of working too hard and sleeping too little. When he finally wakes up, Yamapi grins and tells him that he kept the entire plane awake with his snoring, but Kame doesn't believe him.
Jin waits for them in LA. Long, shaggy hair, dark sunglasses, torn jeans, t-shirt so big it nearly slips off his shoulder. He takes the sunglasses off when he sees them, beams, and tries to jump them both at the same time. They end up in a laughing pile on the floor, and all Kame can feel is a strong happiness over being together again, all three of them. It's like it was always supposed to be this way, and like a piece of their puzzle has been missing these past few years.
"So, what do you wanna do?" Jin asks in English, and Yamapi hits him over the head.
"You're with us now, speak Japanese."
"But you're in the US, you should be speaking English," Jin retaliates, sticking his tongue out and elbowing Yamapi's stomach in return.
Kame decides to step between them, before they start punching each other as a way of showing they're happy to be together again. "How about we speak Japanese and you speak in whatever language you feel like speaking in?" he asks, smiling as he curls one arm around Jin's waist and one around Pi's.
Jin grumbles. "How about Spanish?"
"Do you actually speak Spanish?" Kame asks. He knows it's a bad idea to contribute to the insanity, but sometimes it's nice to be a bit crazy.
"Well, sort of. There's 'hola, chica' and 'ay caramba' and... Do I need to know anything else?"
"You're an idiot," Yamapi says, and Kame can't hold either of them back as they storm down the crowded hallway. Instead he chases after them, thinking that if he can't beat them, he might as well join them.
They discuss - Pi thinks they're arguing, but Kame and Jin both smack him to prove him wrong - what to do for a while, before Jin decides he wants to show them USA, the real deal, and not just warm streets and dance clubs in LA. He rents a car, and they bicker about who gets to drive before Jin points out that he's the only one with a valid driver's licence. Kame and Yamapi bicker some more about who gets to sit in the front seat, and finally decides it by a game of jan-ken-pon. Yamapi loses, and climbs into the back seat, shoving Jin and Kame's bags out of the way and falling asleep after ten minutes of driving.
Kame is surprised over how easy it is to be together again. After such a long time apart, after getting used to being (mostly) just with Yamapi, it should be awkward. But for now it's simply comfortable. Like everything has fallen back into its rightful place.
Kame spends most of the first day talking quietly with Jin, telling each other about what has happened over the last years even if they already know all about it. There's been mails, letters, phone calls, but it's not the same as being able to turn his head and look at Jin, or reach out and touch his hand. They drive through the first night, and then Jin sleeps while Yamapi drives. Then Kame drives, and the three of them sing along to the CDs Jin has brought along - they don't have to be worried about the lyrics or hitting the right notes and it's so fun and carefree that Kame wishes he never had to go back. It's a strange sensation because he enjoys his work, no matter what kind of stress it brings. He hasn't understood until now just how much it meant for him to have Jin there with him, every step of the way.
It's the third night on the road before they actually stop to stay at a roadside motel for the night. Kame sees the nervous glances that Jin and Yamapi exchange, and understands why they've waited, drawn it out. None of them really know what they are anymore, what it means to be together again, and Kame also thinks it means more to the two of them than it does to him. Not that it's not important to him, but he figures they should focus on just being together instead of trying to find a name for what they are.
"Don't just stand there," he says to Yamapi, and trips him and pushes him at the same time, making him fall down on the large bed. There's a single bed off towards the other end of the room, and Kame sees Jin glancing towards it. He shakes his head and catches Jin's wrist, tugging him towards the bed too. "Let's just... Uhm." Kame suddenly remembers that he's not good at this thing, and he shrugs awkwardly. Jin grins and nods, though, taking the hint.
"Yeah, let's just. That works for me."
Just like way back when, Kame stays a bit in the background, because that feels more comfortable. He wouldn't know what to do with himself if he was suddenly trapped in the middle, and he's glad that Jin and Yamapi has come to accept it. After one night of disaster where Jin ended up with a black eye and Pi ended up with a fractured wrist, they pretty much had to accept it. Kame has never been able to explain it to either of them, but he doesn't think he has to anymore. By now they're all just used to it; it's like this is whe way it's supposed to be even if Kame's sure that it's not quite right.
"Kame," Jin mutters, and Kame moves forwards, feeling like he's being pulled by invisible strings. His head feels light and he presses kisses along Jin's shoulder, feeling him move, watching Yamapi's face over Jin's shoulder, listening to the little moans and gasps and the fleeting words that pass between them. Even if it's far from the first time he sees it, he still doesn't understand all the details of this dance, but he likes it nonetheless.
They're less awkward and stilted after that, and sleep in run-down motels every night, sometimes staying in the same place for a few days because none of them want to get out of bed. Kame remembers what it's like to sleep with Jin's arm around him again, what it's like to wake up to Jin's hoarse moans as Yamapi sucks him off, what it's like to fight with them both over the shower and the sink when they finally get up, what it's like to buy three different kinds of breakfasts and stealing from each other and drinking coffee so strong and hot that it burns his throat.
It's like living the life of a dream he never knew he had.
Jin refused to bring a map, but a large sign one night tells them that they're in Oklahoma. Kame doesn't know anything about it (he knows New York and Los Angeles and not much else), and neither do the others, but it hardly matters. They're heading nowhere anyway. As evening falls, Jin drives the car up a hill and stops, going out to climb onto the hood of the car. Kame shakes Pi awake and follows, sitting down in the middle, for once.
The sun is setting and all they can see is a dark skyline with the occasional lights of a house or five. There's a light breeze through the trees behind them, and the road stretches on endlessly. Kame is sure he has never smelled air so fresh. That is, until Jin lights up a cigarette and blows the smoke in Kame's face.
He just rolls his eyes in return and snatches the cigarette, passing it on to Yamapi afterwards. After talking and singing all day long, they don't feel the need to say anything. Kame is still surprised over the fact that they can simply shut up in each other's company and still be comfortable. He has learned by now that finding this kind of a relationship isn't easy. Finding peace isn't easy, but this is a peace so pure that he wonders if this is really a dream. "Pinch me," he says to Jin, who looks at him blankly and then kisses him instead, nipping at his lower lip. Kame winces, but he still smiles. This is definitely reality.
"Are we going any further today?" Yamapi asks, practical as always. "I really doubt we're going to find a place to stay around here. Unless you want to sleep in a barn."
Jin scoffs. "The weather's nice and there's no one but cows around. We can just sleep here," he says, and lies back on the hood of the car.
Kame hesitates, but then he shrugs and follows Jin's example, pulling Yamapi down with him. "So. Oklahoma, huh?"
"Apparently," Jin mutters, flicking the cigarette butt onto the gravel road before turning his head, smooching Kame's cheek. His hair tickles Kame's skin, and it's so hot that his t-shirt sticks to his skin, and Kame feels like every little sensation is amplified ten times over. He wonders if it's the magic of Oklahoma, or if it's the magic of Jin.
Kame still isn't too sure he understands just what love is. But in moments like these (Jin's arm around his waist, Yamapi's head against his shoulder), he thinks that maybe he can feel it. And he thinks that maybe that's all that matters.
~fin~