That would make 3 for the night...sheesh!
It’s kinda boring not having MySpace to look at to pass time…ugh! I could go on You Tube which is ANOTHER huge addiction of mine…but I’m not really feeling it at the moment…
I’m getting sleepy, I hope that when I get home I can just fall asleep and get through my day. I’m SUPER excited though. ARI’S COMING TO VISIT ME FOR THE WEEKEND! That my friend is what I call SISTERHOOD! She knows I’ve been having a rough time and her and Amber have been such a great source of support and comfort for me the past couple of days. They know me more than anyone I know. Amber has known me and Jeff since we STARTED dating and I feel she knows the circumstances of our relationship a lot better than my other friends. Ari has known me since the 5th grade and has been my girl through it all. My elementary crushes, my first love break up, all the stupid shit I did during college and the ups and downs after I graduated from UCI, to my FIRST break up with Jeff and now my SECOND break up with Jeff. She knows me inside and out and regardless of what is going on in her life, she always makes time for me…she is the epitome of loyalty. We don’t talk as much as we use to but she’s awesome and I love how our conversations pick up where they left off. She ALWAYS has the best words to put things into perspective…she has a great sense of “reality” and the right amount of hope when she gives me advice or words of consolement.
I just didn’t want to be alone this weekend. I haven’t told my brother or my mom about the breakup and I don’t know when I’ll tell them either. It’s too hard to explain things to my mom without her assuming or making allegations. Besides she’d either do one of 2 things: 1. Tell me I should never love a man so much or show him I love him so much and 2. That he doesn’t want a girl whose family is poor or a girl who doesn’t know how to handle money; maybe he was sick and tired of spending money on you too. IF Jeff and I were to “get back together again” she would doubt the credibility of it all since this IS THE SECOND time! So I rather not go through that at the moment and when I have confirmation that we are definitely ending things then in my own time, I will tell my family.
So Ari will be here to keep me company and give me that girlfriend quality time that I so desperately need (I think she needs it too!). Its times like these that I truly value my friends and I see just how loved I am. Jeff told me yesterday, or whenever we broke up, that he just wants me to love myself and to know that so many people love me and want to see me succeed. And I know…and it’s a work in progress. There are days where I’m literally floating on “cloud 9” and I just feel so good about myself…and then there are those days where I doubt and I question. Who doesn’t do that though? Isn’t “working on yourself and loving yourself” a lifelong process?
I wonder if I took him for granted. I wonder if I took advantage of how comfortable I was in our relationship. I wonder if we really were “stuck” and not moving forward. I wonder if I did something wrong or I didn’t do enough of something to make it stronger…
And then I think: We had our challenges but the good far outweighed the bad. Our "issues" weren't anything that couldn't be resolved or works in progress TOGETHER. But I can’t blame myself and I can’t blame him. It was what it was. And what it was was love. And now…it’s over. And I can’t do anything about it but let God direct me on the path I need to go and if that doesn’t involve Jeff…then I guess Jeff and I weren’t in His plans…and one day…I’ll be ok with that.
I’m getting sleepy, I hope that when I get home I can just fall asleep and get through my day. I’m SUPER excited though. ARI’S COMING TO VISIT ME FOR THE WEEKEND! That my friend is what I call SISTERHOOD! She knows I’ve been having a rough time and her and Amber have been such a great source of support and comfort for me the past couple of days. They know me more than anyone I know. Amber has known me and Jeff since we STARTED dating and I feel she knows the circumstances of our relationship a lot better than my other friends. Ari has known me since the 5th grade and has been my girl through it all. My elementary crushes, my first love break up, all the stupid shit I did during college and the ups and downs after I graduated from UCI, to my FIRST break up with Jeff and now my SECOND break up with Jeff. She knows me inside and out and regardless of what is going on in her life, she always makes time for me…she is the epitome of loyalty. We don’t talk as much as we use to but she’s awesome and I love how our conversations pick up where they left off. She ALWAYS has the best words to put things into perspective…she has a great sense of “reality” and the right amount of hope when she gives me advice or words of consolement.
I just didn’t want to be alone this weekend. I haven’t told my brother or my mom about the breakup and I don’t know when I’ll tell them either. It’s too hard to explain things to my mom without her assuming or making allegations. Besides she’d either do one of 2 things: 1. Tell me I should never love a man so much or show him I love him so much and 2. That he doesn’t want a girl whose family is poor or a girl who doesn’t know how to handle money; maybe he was sick and tired of spending money on you too. IF Jeff and I were to “get back together again” she would doubt the credibility of it all since this IS THE SECOND time! So I rather not go through that at the moment and when I have confirmation that we are definitely ending things then in my own time, I will tell my family.
So Ari will be here to keep me company and give me that girlfriend quality time that I so desperately need (I think she needs it too!). Its times like these that I truly value my friends and I see just how loved I am. Jeff told me yesterday, or whenever we broke up, that he just wants me to love myself and to know that so many people love me and want to see me succeed. And I know…and it’s a work in progress. There are days where I’m literally floating on “cloud 9” and I just feel so good about myself…and then there are those days where I doubt and I question. Who doesn’t do that though? Isn’t “working on yourself and loving yourself” a lifelong process?
I wonder if I took him for granted. I wonder if I took advantage of how comfortable I was in our relationship. I wonder if we really were “stuck” and not moving forward. I wonder if I did something wrong or I didn’t do enough of something to make it stronger…
And then I think: We had our challenges but the good far outweighed the bad. Our "issues" weren't anything that couldn't be resolved or works in progress TOGETHER. But I can’t blame myself and I can’t blame him. It was what it was. And what it was was love. And now…it’s over. And I can’t do anything about it but let God direct me on the path I need to go and if that doesn’t involve Jeff…then I guess Jeff and I weren’t in His plans…and one day…I’ll be ok with that.