Adulthood...you're never really ready for it
What is the one thing that never leaves you no matter how much older you get? What is the one thing that doesn't discriminate against nationality, religion, financial status, gender and education level?
STRESS!
Dang, I'm stressed and I know I put it on myself. Well most of it...OK DAMNIT ALL OF IT!
Just recently I've been worried about making the "wrong impression" at the internship. My supervisor is kind of a stickler on things as she should be and there's a guy I work with that is a one man show who I kinda dread working with (which is why I haven't yet). I want to make the best impression on everyone and be able to network...and the more I "learn" and the more I become enmeshed in this internship, the more that reality is slapping me in the face. I truly wonder if I'm going to make it in the radio industry. I'm constantly comparing myself to others around me who want to be in the business as well. There's this flaw I have, this insecurity where I feel like I have to follow a certain path...everyone else's path but my own. I have to remind myself on the regular that my path is fine and that good things will come of it. I need to realize that my path is the only path right for me. I'm different from the next person and that doesn't mean I'm doing things the wrong way. It's just hard to stay motivated, I guess that's with everything. We all have those moments...
But of course I am grateful for the position that I'm in when it comes to my career path. I have an internship with the station I ultimately want to work for, I'm working with the right people who will be mentors in the process, I'm on the radio at Palomar and I'm continuing to further my education in this field. I know I have it good right now, it's the anxious part of me that doesn't see that at times.
I know I know, it's the journey, not the destination...
I need sleep. I'm sleep deprived which is also my fault. I feel like I need to re-evaluate a lot of things in my life right now. Mainly PRIORITIZE my life. I feel there's never enough time for anything. Dang...it's gonna be a busy week. This weekend going to the bay area to attend my cousin's wedding. Should be fun seeing family I haven't seen in a while and also celebrating something as beautiful as two people coming together in front of family, friends and the Lord. I LOVE weddings...I ALWAYS CRY at weddings...ASK MY BEST FRIEND. Heh, I cried more than Mik's mom I think. I think when I get married I'll cry during the entire ceremony as well...especially when I read my own vows. Crazy.
Marriage...wow. It seems like more of a reality the older I get. Well not exactly "my reality" although I do hope one day I get married...but it's just weird how your life switches and you start thinking about a lot more "adult" things as you get older. It feels like just last week I was still thinking like a "teenager" and now I'm thinking about the day I'm going to settle down, the day I have a CAREER, the day I'm going to literally have to stand on my own financially and have a million things I'm indebted to hahahaa (DAMNIT!), the day I'm going to be responsible of MY OWN OFFSPRING, and hopefully not for a loooooooooooooooooooooong time the day I will be "responsible" for my parents...adulthood...you're never really ready for it...it just sorta happens.
So yesterday I talked to Daron for a bit. He told me he couldn't make it out to Rach's party last night because he made plans. I asked him if he had a date or something to which he responded "Yeah actually I do. I've been seeing someone for a while now. Nothing serious though...she knows I'm leaving." I don't know WHY exactly but I felt weird when he told me that. The guy I do the internship with told me "If you're getting dick already...who cares about your fucking ex?" It's true...I have Jeff and I'm grateful to have him in my life...I'm totally over Daron but it created an "odd" feeling within me when I found out he was seeing someone...so soon. Ok yeah yeah I started dating Jeff with a snap of my fingers (so it seems) but it's weird having it the other way around. But then again in all actuality it has been several months since Daron and I have been together so I shouldn't be surprised or shocked or...hurt.
SO when I wrote all this in my journal...I sat with it for a bit...and then I got over it. Hahahaa. I'm happy for him. Even if "it's not serious" I do want him to be happy. I do want him to have fun and enjoy himself and if that's what he's doing then I'm glad. And that's that. Heh.
I said this in my last entry but I will say it with more conviction this time: I WILL and NEED to find just 2 days to myself where I'm not working, I'm not at the internship, I'm not at the radio station...where I'm getting my shit done...or at least "rolling". Hmmm...I'll look at my calander again and see when I can do that...it needs to happen soon. I do look forward to the wedding now because it'll be like a mini-getaway. Unless my family gets on my ass for: 1. gaining weight 2. and "aren't you still on your liquid diet? why are you eating?" Why is EVERYONE in my fucking family so FUCKING FOCUSED on my body? Dang, it's really anxiety provoking. I hate it when certain family members are just all up in my physical self. Which is another HUGE stressor that becomes more and more difficult for me to talk about with anyone...my "self image/ED" is getting to me again...it always is but lately it has been consuming. I can't talk about it...nothing comes out. Thoughts just consume me and beat me mercilessly. Ugh.
Fuck it, I'm not perfect. I'm sick of wishing I was. Fuck I have hard days...does that make me a horrible person incapable of being genuinely happy? Because I have "issues" does that mean I'm a bad friend? Am I being self centered again? Ha. It's times like these where I begin to question my "ability to be a good friend". I wonder, with certain people, if I'm enough. I wonder that with almost all aspects of my life.
I need another vacation. But this time a vacation OUT of CA...I have a stressball the size of a Samoan's fist in my stomach. My thought process is off right now. I guess I'm just venting and rambling at the moment. I need to get so much shit off my chest but it won't come out...I don't know where to start...even though this entry is hella long it doesn't even encompass CLOSE to how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking.
Being on your period...you don't know if you need to take a shit or if you're just having cramps.
That's it, I need to sleep!
This adult thing...it's kinda hard.
STRESS!
Dang, I'm stressed and I know I put it on myself. Well most of it...OK DAMNIT ALL OF IT!
Just recently I've been worried about making the "wrong impression" at the internship. My supervisor is kind of a stickler on things as she should be and there's a guy I work with that is a one man show who I kinda dread working with (which is why I haven't yet). I want to make the best impression on everyone and be able to network...and the more I "learn" and the more I become enmeshed in this internship, the more that reality is slapping me in the face. I truly wonder if I'm going to make it in the radio industry. I'm constantly comparing myself to others around me who want to be in the business as well. There's this flaw I have, this insecurity where I feel like I have to follow a certain path...everyone else's path but my own. I have to remind myself on the regular that my path is fine and that good things will come of it. I need to realize that my path is the only path right for me. I'm different from the next person and that doesn't mean I'm doing things the wrong way. It's just hard to stay motivated, I guess that's with everything. We all have those moments...
But of course I am grateful for the position that I'm in when it comes to my career path. I have an internship with the station I ultimately want to work for, I'm working with the right people who will be mentors in the process, I'm on the radio at Palomar and I'm continuing to further my education in this field. I know I have it good right now, it's the anxious part of me that doesn't see that at times.
I know I know, it's the journey, not the destination...
I need sleep. I'm sleep deprived which is also my fault. I feel like I need to re-evaluate a lot of things in my life right now. Mainly PRIORITIZE my life. I feel there's never enough time for anything. Dang...it's gonna be a busy week. This weekend going to the bay area to attend my cousin's wedding. Should be fun seeing family I haven't seen in a while and also celebrating something as beautiful as two people coming together in front of family, friends and the Lord. I LOVE weddings...I ALWAYS CRY at weddings...ASK MY BEST FRIEND. Heh, I cried more than Mik's mom I think. I think when I get married I'll cry during the entire ceremony as well...especially when I read my own vows. Crazy.
Marriage...wow. It seems like more of a reality the older I get. Well not exactly "my reality" although I do hope one day I get married...but it's just weird how your life switches and you start thinking about a lot more "adult" things as you get older. It feels like just last week I was still thinking like a "teenager" and now I'm thinking about the day I'm going to settle down, the day I have a CAREER, the day I'm going to literally have to stand on my own financially and have a million things I'm indebted to hahahaa (DAMNIT!), the day I'm going to be responsible of MY OWN OFFSPRING, and hopefully not for a loooooooooooooooooooooong time the day I will be "responsible" for my parents...adulthood...you're never really ready for it...it just sorta happens.
So yesterday I talked to Daron for a bit. He told me he couldn't make it out to Rach's party last night because he made plans. I asked him if he had a date or something to which he responded "Yeah actually I do. I've been seeing someone for a while now. Nothing serious though...she knows I'm leaving." I don't know WHY exactly but I felt weird when he told me that. The guy I do the internship with told me "If you're getting dick already...who cares about your fucking ex?" It's true...I have Jeff and I'm grateful to have him in my life...I'm totally over Daron but it created an "odd" feeling within me when I found out he was seeing someone...so soon. Ok yeah yeah I started dating Jeff with a snap of my fingers (so it seems) but it's weird having it the other way around. But then again in all actuality it has been several months since Daron and I have been together so I shouldn't be surprised or shocked or...hurt.
SO when I wrote all this in my journal...I sat with it for a bit...and then I got over it. Hahahaa. I'm happy for him. Even if "it's not serious" I do want him to be happy. I do want him to have fun and enjoy himself and if that's what he's doing then I'm glad. And that's that. Heh.
I said this in my last entry but I will say it with more conviction this time: I WILL and NEED to find just 2 days to myself where I'm not working, I'm not at the internship, I'm not at the radio station...where I'm getting my shit done...or at least "rolling". Hmmm...I'll look at my calander again and see when I can do that...it needs to happen soon. I do look forward to the wedding now because it'll be like a mini-getaway. Unless my family gets on my ass for: 1. gaining weight 2. and "aren't you still on your liquid diet? why are you eating?" Why is EVERYONE in my fucking family so FUCKING FOCUSED on my body? Dang, it's really anxiety provoking. I hate it when certain family members are just all up in my physical self. Which is another HUGE stressor that becomes more and more difficult for me to talk about with anyone...my "self image/ED" is getting to me again...it always is but lately it has been consuming. I can't talk about it...nothing comes out. Thoughts just consume me and beat me mercilessly. Ugh.
Fuck it, I'm not perfect. I'm sick of wishing I was. Fuck I have hard days...does that make me a horrible person incapable of being genuinely happy? Because I have "issues" does that mean I'm a bad friend? Am I being self centered again? Ha. It's times like these where I begin to question my "ability to be a good friend". I wonder, with certain people, if I'm enough. I wonder that with almost all aspects of my life.
I need another vacation. But this time a vacation OUT of CA...I have a stressball the size of a Samoan's fist in my stomach. My thought process is off right now. I guess I'm just venting and rambling at the moment. I need to get so much shit off my chest but it won't come out...I don't know where to start...even though this entry is hella long it doesn't even encompass CLOSE to how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking.
Being on your period...you don't know if you need to take a shit or if you're just having cramps.
That's it, I need to sleep!
This adult thing...it's kinda hard.