Shut up and fuck me
IS it possible to feel alone even when you're surrounded by the people that make you happy? For some reason I feel lonely. I don't know if it's the summer blues or some chemical imbalance. All I know is that I feel lonely...I feel stuck. I need some kind of inspiration...I need to be "motivated" again and I'm sitting here and the minutes soon become days quickly passing me by. I can't even stand being at home...becuase then I'm trapped with these thoughts and I find myself wanting to just shut off my thinking but it's here and it will only leave if I confront what's bothering me and change the way I think.
One of my best friends just came back from Mexico and Rach and I hung out with her today at the "Bean" and it was so nice but...I felt...alone. I can't relate to her experience of traveling to another country and having this life altering experience. Rach can becuase she has traveled to Israel and Ireland and all that stuff. I've gone to...The Philippines and yeah well that was a different time in my life. I wasn't even close to thinking about how that vacation could alter the rest of my life. I want to go somewhere. I want to leave just for a bit. Not just for a "vacation" but to step out of my box. This box that is no longer comfortable. Isn't that a weird thought? Your comfort zone no longer being comfortable? Heh. I have a million and one excuses as to why I "CAN'T" leave the country...to just pick up a bag of clothes and just leave. Financial reasons and fear. But it's that same fear that makes me curious about what's out there. What if MY life is supposed to begin SOMEHWERE ELSE? With SOMEONE else.
And then I thought about the term "Soul Mate" for the past few days. I was watching Good Will Hunting and there's this part where Robin Williams asks Matt Damon if he has a soul mate...and Matt looks at him funny and asks what the hell he means by that and Robin said "A soul mate...someone who challenges you...someone who touches your soul..." Do I have that in "him"? Isn't a "successful/happy" relationship one that is beyond just going out and having a good time? Yeah I need someone in my life who challenges me...someone who looks beyond what they "want" and more at their potential. Because that's what I want in myself. I need someone to push me...and who pushes themself.
But what am I talking about? I'm in love with a man who hates labels. And oddly enough he's "in love with me" too.
I've come to a point where even love isn't enough. It's not enough. I need more. So I'm sitting here and thoughts and options are racing through my head.
Only I can make it happen.
BUT WHY THE FUCK DO I STILL FEEL LONELY!?!?!
One of my best friends just came back from Mexico and Rach and I hung out with her today at the "Bean" and it was so nice but...I felt...alone. I can't relate to her experience of traveling to another country and having this life altering experience. Rach can becuase she has traveled to Israel and Ireland and all that stuff. I've gone to...The Philippines and yeah well that was a different time in my life. I wasn't even close to thinking about how that vacation could alter the rest of my life. I want to go somewhere. I want to leave just for a bit. Not just for a "vacation" but to step out of my box. This box that is no longer comfortable. Isn't that a weird thought? Your comfort zone no longer being comfortable? Heh. I have a million and one excuses as to why I "CAN'T" leave the country...to just pick up a bag of clothes and just leave. Financial reasons and fear. But it's that same fear that makes me curious about what's out there. What if MY life is supposed to begin SOMEHWERE ELSE? With SOMEONE else.
And then I thought about the term "Soul Mate" for the past few days. I was watching Good Will Hunting and there's this part where Robin Williams asks Matt Damon if he has a soul mate...and Matt looks at him funny and asks what the hell he means by that and Robin said "A soul mate...someone who challenges you...someone who touches your soul..." Do I have that in "him"? Isn't a "successful/happy" relationship one that is beyond just going out and having a good time? Yeah I need someone in my life who challenges me...someone who looks beyond what they "want" and more at their potential. Because that's what I want in myself. I need someone to push me...and who pushes themself.
But what am I talking about? I'm in love with a man who hates labels. And oddly enough he's "in love with me" too.
I've come to a point where even love isn't enough. It's not enough. I need more. So I'm sitting here and thoughts and options are racing through my head.
Only I can make it happen.
BUT WHY THE FUCK DO I STILL FEEL LONELY!?!?!