Consider The Past
A friend of mine in America was telling me just now about how she attended a wedding over the weekend. When she left, she said, she was crying. Not because of the wedding, nor the bridesmaid dresses (which were, apparently, nice). However, Caryn told me that she regretted seeing people she hadn't spoken to in four years, and then had to leave. All of which made me think about my own past.
Some people look back on their past fondly. Others wish they could return there. Personally, I hardly ever look back. In the five years I spent at school, I had few decent friends - I don't keep in contact with them. At college, during my BTEC days, I had many friends, and I keep in semi-contact with my best friend from that time, whom I've referenced on here occasionally as Spate (he of the "Your Mum" jokes). Ever since he got a new job in a daycare centre, we haven't been able to hang out as much, and all contact just sort of died, save the occasional "Your Mum" joke being sent back and forth. In general, my life hasn't been all too bad. I've done many things in my life I can be proud of, and others I'd rather forget. However, I find I would rather move on with my life, than get caught up in those memories.
Case in point - when I went to college, I fell in love with someone on my course, named Katherine. She didn't feel the same way, and I respected her enough to not push the issue. She eventually met a guy named Pete, and started to cut everyone else out of her life, even me. Hell, maybe especially me. Kate and Pete got married and had two children, the first of which had been a confirmed pregnancy during our last week of college. On that last day, Kate and I hardly spoke. We were, at one point, the only two people in our theatre space for a few hours. She played the piano and I worked on a dance routine for the Blues Brothers piece I had written. We spoke maybe ten words to each other. Although we were still cordial (she kept insisting I was her best friend) when the time came, she never said goodbye to me. To anyone, I think. These days, she only has contact with Spate, and he rarely speaks to her, because he's bad at maintaining friendships. The fact she never said goodbye annoyed a lot of people, who had been through hell with her over the course of two years. I was angry as hell at her for a long time, but one day I realised that it was beneath me to think of her with contempt.
The only thing Kate ever wanted was to have a family. A real family she had created. She had found a guy who loved her, and whom she loved back, and together they had two children. I realised that instead of being angry at her, maybe I should just be happy for her. That, however, cancelled itself out, and these days, I honestly feel nothing for her, one way or the other. She's just a part of my past now.
Do I have regrets about my past? Of course I do, I'm only human. However, I would rather learn from them and move on, instead of dwell on them.
One of the happiest times of my life was right out of my BTEC, when Les Tucker, the head of Performing Arts for the college asked me to direct a group of students for a semester - now, the role of director in a performing arts college is basically that of a teacher. I was being asked to write a show, and teach the kids what I could. Naturally, I jumped at the chance. I formed a few good friendships during that semester, one of which was with a girl named Julie Goodhew.
Julie was a sweet girl, and, as a guy, I'm not ashamed to say I was attracted to her. She had an amazing body, and was a wonderful person. She earned every top grade I gave her from her acting and singing abilities, and how she carried herself with her other students off-stage. In part, because of my gradings, she is now an Undergrad at one of Britains top Drama schools, in Wales. So, I was surprised when I got a message from her on my cel, saying she wanted to meet up for a drink when I got off work. Sure, she was attractive, but in most of the time I had known her, she had been my student, and I had never really entertained any notions about her and me in a sexual way. So, I gave her a call, and.....she had sent the message to the wrong Ben. As I later told my workmates, if it wasn't so funny, I would have been upset. However, it -was- funny. Still is.
When people say they mourn their pasts, I always get a little bit confused. As I said, I've done some good things with my life, and I enjoyed doing them. However, to get fixated on your past means negating to look ahead, to the future. And that, my friends, is where all the fun really lies.
Some people look back on their past fondly. Others wish they could return there. Personally, I hardly ever look back. In the five years I spent at school, I had few decent friends - I don't keep in contact with them. At college, during my BTEC days, I had many friends, and I keep in semi-contact with my best friend from that time, whom I've referenced on here occasionally as Spate (he of the "Your Mum" jokes). Ever since he got a new job in a daycare centre, we haven't been able to hang out as much, and all contact just sort of died, save the occasional "Your Mum" joke being sent back and forth. In general, my life hasn't been all too bad. I've done many things in my life I can be proud of, and others I'd rather forget. However, I find I would rather move on with my life, than get caught up in those memories.
Case in point - when I went to college, I fell in love with someone on my course, named Katherine. She didn't feel the same way, and I respected her enough to not push the issue. She eventually met a guy named Pete, and started to cut everyone else out of her life, even me. Hell, maybe especially me. Kate and Pete got married and had two children, the first of which had been a confirmed pregnancy during our last week of college. On that last day, Kate and I hardly spoke. We were, at one point, the only two people in our theatre space for a few hours. She played the piano and I worked on a dance routine for the Blues Brothers piece I had written. We spoke maybe ten words to each other. Although we were still cordial (she kept insisting I was her best friend) when the time came, she never said goodbye to me. To anyone, I think. These days, she only has contact with Spate, and he rarely speaks to her, because he's bad at maintaining friendships. The fact she never said goodbye annoyed a lot of people, who had been through hell with her over the course of two years. I was angry as hell at her for a long time, but one day I realised that it was beneath me to think of her with contempt.
The only thing Kate ever wanted was to have a family. A real family she had created. She had found a guy who loved her, and whom she loved back, and together they had two children. I realised that instead of being angry at her, maybe I should just be happy for her. That, however, cancelled itself out, and these days, I honestly feel nothing for her, one way or the other. She's just a part of my past now.
Do I have regrets about my past? Of course I do, I'm only human. However, I would rather learn from them and move on, instead of dwell on them.
One of the happiest times of my life was right out of my BTEC, when Les Tucker, the head of Performing Arts for the college asked me to direct a group of students for a semester - now, the role of director in a performing arts college is basically that of a teacher. I was being asked to write a show, and teach the kids what I could. Naturally, I jumped at the chance. I formed a few good friendships during that semester, one of which was with a girl named Julie Goodhew.
Julie was a sweet girl, and, as a guy, I'm not ashamed to say I was attracted to her. She had an amazing body, and was a wonderful person. She earned every top grade I gave her from her acting and singing abilities, and how she carried herself with her other students off-stage. In part, because of my gradings, she is now an Undergrad at one of Britains top Drama schools, in Wales. So, I was surprised when I got a message from her on my cel, saying she wanted to meet up for a drink when I got off work. Sure, she was attractive, but in most of the time I had known her, she had been my student, and I had never really entertained any notions about her and me in a sexual way. So, I gave her a call, and.....she had sent the message to the wrong Ben. As I later told my workmates, if it wasn't so funny, I would have been upset. However, it -was- funny. Still is.
When people say they mourn their pasts, I always get a little bit confused. As I said, I've done some good things with my life, and I enjoyed doing them. However, to get fixated on your past means negating to look ahead, to the future. And that, my friends, is where all the fun really lies.