[JP] Peter McWilliams quote
[Set after THIS. Sam = likely_evil, Alec = smart_alec494. Dean Winchester, pity party of one.]
“Many people weigh the guilt they will feel against the pleasure of the forbidden action they want to take.”
The cold air outside the motel room washed over him like a cold shower, cutting through his clothes and biting against his skin. It was coming around to the tail end of fall in Nebraska, and the temperatures were starting to dip below the point where you could just make a quick run out to the car without freezing your ass off. Dean was a bit beyond the point of caring, though. Stepping out into the cold was meant to clear his head, try and get him back on track, because he was starting to wonder so far off it at the moment, that he was starting to fear he was going to do something stupid.
When Sam first died, Dean was more than ready to make a deal. It wasn’t even a question of whether or not he should. He was going to. He was halfway to the crossroads before Bobby caught wise of what he considered impending stupidity, and cut him off. There was always this feeling in the pit of his stomach that he didn’t do the right thing-that he should have let Bobby talk him out of it. John had sold his soul to save him, why couldn’t he do the same to save Sam? After all-ten years was a lifetime for a hunter. Hell, even without the deal he would probably die before that anyway. All that mattered was getting his brother back. And Bobby wouldn’t let him do it.
And now he had his brother back. He should be happy. Demon or not, it was still Sam. It was still someone he needed to take care of, someone he could look out for. Plus, this Sam-he was so young. It was like having the Sam he took care of growing up, and he-he had a purpose again. He was happy to take that purpose. Even with Alec to train, it still wasn’t the same. Alec still knew how to handle himself in a fight if need be. Sam-Sam was a clean slate. He got to start over again and do it right this time. Protect his brother. That was his job.
Didn’t stop the reminders of how he failed the first time from coming back to bite him in the ass.
Sam wasn’t trying to make him feel bad; he was just trying to make him understand. He wanted him to see how their father had helped him, and Dean saw that. But he also saw the pain that he had put his brother through. He also saw how his brother had suffered for Dean’s failure to keep him safe, and how John had to do what Dean couldn’t. How John had to save Sam when Dean couldn’t.
His eyes scanned the trunk, searching for the bag that he had come out there for to begin with. If he had been thinking clearly, he would have remembered that Sam’s bag was in the backseat, not the trunk, but instead of taking the breath to think clearly, and figure that out, he started throwing things around, letting out his frustration through the physical action, and after a few minutes of coming up empty, he threw the bag back into the bed of the trunk, slammed the trunk closed, and buried his face in his hands. He could feel the stress piling into his shoulders, the anger threatening to explode under the impossibility of this situation. He couldn’t take care of anything. Why was he kidding himself into thinking he could protect Sam now when he couldn’t do it before?
He turned, pacing away slightly before turning around again and slamming his fist down onto the trunk, feeling some of the anger dissipate, but still having that bitter feeling in the pit of his stomach twisting with the fear that he was never going to be able to protect the people he cared about.
He should have told Bobby to go to hell and made the damn deal. That would have been him doing his damn job, and he wouldn’t be sitting here now, fighting to get his brother back.
689 words
RP for smart_alec494
“Many people weigh the guilt they will feel against the pleasure of the forbidden action they want to take.”
The cold air outside the motel room washed over him like a cold shower, cutting through his clothes and biting against his skin. It was coming around to the tail end of fall in Nebraska, and the temperatures were starting to dip below the point where you could just make a quick run out to the car without freezing your ass off. Dean was a bit beyond the point of caring, though. Stepping out into the cold was meant to clear his head, try and get him back on track, because he was starting to wonder so far off it at the moment, that he was starting to fear he was going to do something stupid.
When Sam first died, Dean was more than ready to make a deal. It wasn’t even a question of whether or not he should. He was going to. He was halfway to the crossroads before Bobby caught wise of what he considered impending stupidity, and cut him off. There was always this feeling in the pit of his stomach that he didn’t do the right thing-that he should have let Bobby talk him out of it. John had sold his soul to save him, why couldn’t he do the same to save Sam? After all-ten years was a lifetime for a hunter. Hell, even without the deal he would probably die before that anyway. All that mattered was getting his brother back. And Bobby wouldn’t let him do it.
And now he had his brother back. He should be happy. Demon or not, it was still Sam. It was still someone he needed to take care of, someone he could look out for. Plus, this Sam-he was so young. It was like having the Sam he took care of growing up, and he-he had a purpose again. He was happy to take that purpose. Even with Alec to train, it still wasn’t the same. Alec still knew how to handle himself in a fight if need be. Sam-Sam was a clean slate. He got to start over again and do it right this time. Protect his brother. That was his job.
Didn’t stop the reminders of how he failed the first time from coming back to bite him in the ass.
Sam wasn’t trying to make him feel bad; he was just trying to make him understand. He wanted him to see how their father had helped him, and Dean saw that. But he also saw the pain that he had put his brother through. He also saw how his brother had suffered for Dean’s failure to keep him safe, and how John had to do what Dean couldn’t. How John had to save Sam when Dean couldn’t.
His eyes scanned the trunk, searching for the bag that he had come out there for to begin with. If he had been thinking clearly, he would have remembered that Sam’s bag was in the backseat, not the trunk, but instead of taking the breath to think clearly, and figure that out, he started throwing things around, letting out his frustration through the physical action, and after a few minutes of coming up empty, he threw the bag back into the bed of the trunk, slammed the trunk closed, and buried his face in his hands. He could feel the stress piling into his shoulders, the anger threatening to explode under the impossibility of this situation. He couldn’t take care of anything. Why was he kidding himself into thinking he could protect Sam now when he couldn’t do it before?
He turned, pacing away slightly before turning around again and slamming his fist down onto the trunk, feeling some of the anger dissipate, but still having that bitter feeling in the pit of his stomach twisting with the fear that he was never going to be able to protect the people he cared about.
He should have told Bobby to go to hell and made the damn deal. That would have been him doing his damn job, and he wouldn’t be sitting here now, fighting to get his brother back.
689 words
RP for smart_alec494