How I was 4 weeks ago...churning, hurting, scampering
So here's how I was....
So 4 weeks ago or so after the final dissolution of my relationship I was churning, and hurting, adn antsy, and scared. I was scampering for activity, bridge-companionship, distraction. My heart was alternately thumping a dirge and screeching a panic...I was overwroght with emotion and hurt and feelings of rejection, even though I initiated the break. Intellectually I knew it was the right thing, in fact knew it was something that should have been done so very long ago, but the heart doesn't always listen to the head, and if your heart is like mine, it seldom wants to let go even when things are deteriorating all around.
Then a very close friend and confidant reminded me...
He reminded me to take a deep breath and smile because the universe has a lot of good things in store for you.
Then in the more clear moments of reflection...
I realized the duality and polarity that has always existed in some form or another in my relationships.
I thought about the patterns of my life and how they've played out perfectly with those around me and how I've handed them their role to play and they've handed me theirs.
I thought about how I've always played two roles on the opposite sides of the same coin and even though we've moved the furniture around...it's still the same damn house I'm living in.
I thought about the irrestistable attraction I have for these scenarios that attract me like a moth to a flame...and like that moth I think I am seeing the light of heaven as I fly headlong into a death spiral that's got my heart and head burning and aching from the pain of it all.
I thought about the heady stuff that has me bound up and enraptured and why its so hard to let go.
I thought about how much I've wanted...maybe needed to be adored and worshipped and how unfullfilled that ultimately was to the deeper parts of me that knows that there is something more.
I thought about how deep the pain and hurt and rejection feels when I'm thrust by my own hands down into the bottom of that hole that is the other side of that same coin beautiful worshipful coin and how easily I let someone else take the blame for putting me there.
I thought about how I can possibly climb up out of that hole when I've dug myself so deep that I can hardly breathe sometimes.
I thought about how I am grasping at anything to help me breathe and stop hurting and stop churning and looking to things outside myself to provide the surrogate strength that seems to escape me right now.
I thought about how sometimes my own misguided thoughts are my enemies and I'm trying to drown them out with the words and voices of those more wise than I am.
I thought about how the deeper part of me knows I will get through this and that the universe does indeed have a lot of good things in store for me.
Thank you for giving me your message from the universe...it hit me in that spot...you know the one.
So 4 weeks ago or so after the final dissolution of my relationship I was churning, and hurting, adn antsy, and scared. I was scampering for activity, bridge-companionship, distraction. My heart was alternately thumping a dirge and screeching a panic...I was overwroght with emotion and hurt and feelings of rejection, even though I initiated the break. Intellectually I knew it was the right thing, in fact knew it was something that should have been done so very long ago, but the heart doesn't always listen to the head, and if your heart is like mine, it seldom wants to let go even when things are deteriorating all around.
Then a very close friend and confidant reminded me...
He reminded me to take a deep breath and smile because the universe has a lot of good things in store for you.
Then in the more clear moments of reflection...
I realized the duality and polarity that has always existed in some form or another in my relationships.
I thought about the patterns of my life and how they've played out perfectly with those around me and how I've handed them their role to play and they've handed me theirs.
I thought about how I've always played two roles on the opposite sides of the same coin and even though we've moved the furniture around...it's still the same damn house I'm living in.
I thought about the irrestistable attraction I have for these scenarios that attract me like a moth to a flame...and like that moth I think I am seeing the light of heaven as I fly headlong into a death spiral that's got my heart and head burning and aching from the pain of it all.
I thought about the heady stuff that has me bound up and enraptured and why its so hard to let go.
I thought about how much I've wanted...maybe needed to be adored and worshipped and how unfullfilled that ultimately was to the deeper parts of me that knows that there is something more.
I thought about how deep the pain and hurt and rejection feels when I'm thrust by my own hands down into the bottom of that hole that is the other side of that same coin beautiful worshipful coin and how easily I let someone else take the blame for putting me there.
I thought about how I can possibly climb up out of that hole when I've dug myself so deep that I can hardly breathe sometimes.
I thought about how I am grasping at anything to help me breathe and stop hurting and stop churning and looking to things outside myself to provide the surrogate strength that seems to escape me right now.
I thought about how sometimes my own misguided thoughts are my enemies and I'm trying to drown them out with the words and voices of those more wise than I am.
I thought about how the deeper part of me knows I will get through this and that the universe does indeed have a lot of good things in store for me.
Thank you for giving me your message from the universe...it hit me in that spot...you know the one.