Another day
Trying to get by without blowing my head off. I guess you just have to go with the flow.
I want to mean something after I die...I dont want to be that person who just was "that person" I want to do something with my life that actually makes a difference.
I came to the conclusion im a weirdo and need to deal with being weird in order to survive.
I know I said I would post about whatever was down there v but I just dont feel like doing it.
Looking back on my life my attitude torwards people really hasnt changed that much. I have a very hard time trusting people because of past experiences and I doubt ill ever change because of them.
The best part of my life will be when I have my own apartment and finally get out of this house. No matter how hard , I need to get out of this house - this enviroment, its killing me slowly. Physically and mentally. This city is so retarded, its changed so much in the past years I just want to puke on every being that walks the streets.
Today has been a very manic depressive day and so will this post, too.
I just realized something. I havent been truly happy one day in my life. I never realized that.until now Im always anxious or depressed; even on a great day. Not until now I am beginning to realize the "cycles". I wish I didnt have to be so secretive with everyone just to get through my day, just one day where I can be happy - normal. I PERFECTED being happy, in a freakish sort of way. At least thats one thing I can be proud of.
Just..trying to do some research on what foods to eat to help fight the depression. At the moment I have some omega-3 capsules,might start taking a dose.
You know I really love INKOS White Tea. So far ive tried, regular, blueberry, apricot, and as of today - Honeydew. Its a lot sweeter than the others. Just thinking about snapple makes me want to puke compared to inkos. They value your health and from what ive seen, its organic (maybe not all but still.) Snapple has wayyy too much sugar for my liking, not a "natural" taste like inkos.
If I had a choice to choose if I was going to be depressed or anxious all the time I dont know which one id pick. Anxiety is more of a.... pain in the ass kinda for me because I cant think straight and my heartbeat races then eventually I end up having a panic attack. While being depressed im calm but concentrate on the subject(s) at hand and find a reason why I shouldnt live. Since im on the subject I should be looking into coping issues more too. Mostly when out in public since I dont see myself taking big deep breaths in the middle of a supermarket or try and stop myself from hyperventilating in a library or some shit. At home its fine and dandy but in public..nope..would never see myself doing anything physical to calm myself down.
Now im content. But only for a little bit. Its going to spiral down into some anxiety then depression in about 30 minutes, talk , go to sleep and wake up and take Kpins. Ive found caffeine is great for battling depression in low doses. Higher doses tend to make me more agitated and anxious. Love INKOS...
So in an hour im going to take my seroquel. Oh that too. I cant stand seroquel. If im depressed or anxious when taking it my emotions just get harder to stand and makes things worse. Worst thing is I cant cry on the stuff. I cant wait to finally taper off this 25mg and rid this crap from my body.
Hmm trying to get all my thoughts down...(this has been over an hour since I started, note: this hasnt been continuous writing ive been adding things)
Time 7:27. Im going to school finally, making up some english courses and math so I can be eligble for the Paramedics Program at my local community. Sort of excited about that, though itll take a year before I can actually take the Paramedics Program at least im working towards it.
Need to find a job. But seems like nobodys hiring due to the crappy economy we have here in the USA.
Done for now. Maybe ill post later tonight, who knows.
I want to mean something after I die...I dont want to be that person who just was "that person" I want to do something with my life that actually makes a difference.
I came to the conclusion im a weirdo and need to deal with being weird in order to survive.
I know I said I would post about whatever was down there v but I just dont feel like doing it.
Looking back on my life my attitude torwards people really hasnt changed that much. I have a very hard time trusting people because of past experiences and I doubt ill ever change because of them.
The best part of my life will be when I have my own apartment and finally get out of this house. No matter how hard , I need to get out of this house - this enviroment, its killing me slowly. Physically and mentally. This city is so retarded, its changed so much in the past years I just want to puke on every being that walks the streets.
Today has been a very manic depressive day and so will this post, too.
I just realized something. I havent been truly happy one day in my life. I never realized that.until now Im always anxious or depressed; even on a great day. Not until now I am beginning to realize the "cycles". I wish I didnt have to be so secretive with everyone just to get through my day, just one day where I can be happy - normal. I PERFECTED being happy, in a freakish sort of way. At least thats one thing I can be proud of.
Just..trying to do some research on what foods to eat to help fight the depression. At the moment I have some omega-3 capsules,might start taking a dose.
You know I really love INKOS White Tea. So far ive tried, regular, blueberry, apricot, and as of today - Honeydew. Its a lot sweeter than the others. Just thinking about snapple makes me want to puke compared to inkos. They value your health and from what ive seen, its organic (maybe not all but still.) Snapple has wayyy too much sugar for my liking, not a "natural" taste like inkos.
If I had a choice to choose if I was going to be depressed or anxious all the time I dont know which one id pick. Anxiety is more of a.... pain in the ass kinda for me because I cant think straight and my heartbeat races then eventually I end up having a panic attack. While being depressed im calm but concentrate on the subject(s) at hand and find a reason why I shouldnt live. Since im on the subject I should be looking into coping issues more too. Mostly when out in public since I dont see myself taking big deep breaths in the middle of a supermarket or try and stop myself from hyperventilating in a library or some shit. At home its fine and dandy but in public..nope..would never see myself doing anything physical to calm myself down.
Now im content. But only for a little bit. Its going to spiral down into some anxiety then depression in about 30 minutes, talk , go to sleep and wake up and take Kpins. Ive found caffeine is great for battling depression in low doses. Higher doses tend to make me more agitated and anxious. Love INKOS...
So in an hour im going to take my seroquel. Oh that too. I cant stand seroquel. If im depressed or anxious when taking it my emotions just get harder to stand and makes things worse. Worst thing is I cant cry on the stuff. I cant wait to finally taper off this 25mg and rid this crap from my body.
Hmm trying to get all my thoughts down...(this has been over an hour since I started, note: this hasnt been continuous writing ive been adding things)
Time 7:27. Im going to school finally, making up some english courses and math so I can be eligble for the Paramedics Program at my local community. Sort of excited about that, though itll take a year before I can actually take the Paramedics Program at least im working towards it.
Need to find a job. But seems like nobodys hiring due to the crappy economy we have here in the USA.
Done for now. Maybe ill post later tonight, who knows.