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I went to PA with stevenson yesterday.
im upped on klonopin
and the reality is setting in that i might be disabled for the rest of my life with dystonia and tardive dsykensia.
my temper is at the highest. I cant take anymore of this shit. pain, agony mentally and psychically.
if im not in pain my muscles are stiff. if my muscles arent stiff im having tremors. if I not having tremors im having panic attacks. if im not having panic attacks im numb and tingly. if im not numb and tingly, I have jaw tension, if im not having jaw tension ill probably have migrane headaces from the jaw tension, if I dont have jaw tension, im depressed, if Im not depressed im angry, and the cycle goes on.
I want to stab myself so fucking bad. the urge is so high. I am at my breaking point. all this work to get off medication for nothing only to find out im most likely going to be disabled. lol I dont know whats worse being a zombie on medication or being disabled with half of a brain.
For the first time in my life im seriously contemplating suicide. every time I look at a knife im so close to jabbing it through my neck. but I fail.
all my dreams are down the shitter for sure. girlfriend/marriage, job. nobody wants to be with someone whos disabled.
*sigh*
doctors...lol... my doctor ignores any symptopms ive been having asdf
now I know why people commt suicide its obvious yeah but no hope.at all.. dont know if I can make it another year...im off
all I do is want to be normal live a nomal life. now this.
I feel like fucjking shit bitching about what I have compared to other people....heh I dunno im going to try and start up a charity before I die. looking into it, hopefully before I go its ableto fget on its feet