Accepting My Black Dog
For the first time in my life, I'm okay. Like, genuinely and truly okay. And that's not in the sense that my life is great, far from it. It's more that things are going wrong, but I'm not letting them get me down. And that in and of itself is such massive progress, that I'm really proud of myself. Not only that, I'm feeling positive about the future. I feel as though I may have a future.
I know, that sounds silly, but seriously. Things have been so bad over the last year that I wasn't really making plans past the next day. My daily goals were "try to brush your teeth today" because most days I wouldn't even get out of bed. But I've been up every day for the last fortnight. I've been studying (deferred Tort exam is next Tuesday), I've been clearing the List, I've done stuff. I've taken a cue from carlyinrome and got my craft on too.
I'm not over this extended bad patch, but there is light at the end of the tunnel that's finally come into view. And whereas before I'd still be fighting an internal rage over being in the tunnel for so long, this time it's not there. I'm being reasonable with myself. I can't be angry at myself for my black dog any more than I could for a broken leg. Everyone has problems they have to deal with, this is mine. It doesn't make me a worse person than anyone else, it doesn't mean I'm weak or incapable. I'm just different, as we all are. And all I can ask of myself is that I do the best I can, acknowledging all the facets of my personality, including my depression. Because that's all it is, a facet of my personality that I work with. I may have depression, but depression does not have me.
Onwards and upwards friends. Onwards and upwards.
I know, that sounds silly, but seriously. Things have been so bad over the last year that I wasn't really making plans past the next day. My daily goals were "try to brush your teeth today" because most days I wouldn't even get out of bed. But I've been up every day for the last fortnight. I've been studying (deferred Tort exam is next Tuesday), I've been clearing the List, I've done stuff. I've taken a cue from carlyinrome and got my craft on too.
I'm not over this extended bad patch, but there is light at the end of the tunnel that's finally come into view. And whereas before I'd still be fighting an internal rage over being in the tunnel for so long, this time it's not there. I'm being reasonable with myself. I can't be angry at myself for my black dog any more than I could for a broken leg. Everyone has problems they have to deal with, this is mine. It doesn't make me a worse person than anyone else, it doesn't mean I'm weak or incapable. I'm just different, as we all are. And all I can ask of myself is that I do the best I can, acknowledging all the facets of my personality, including my depression. Because that's all it is, a facet of my personality that I work with. I may have depression, but depression does not have me.
Onwards and upwards friends. Onwards and upwards.