Entry #108: Nobody Does It Better
so let me tell you about my day.
as some of you know, i'm carless right now. so at around 12:30 i called dave (of dave's taxi) to get a ride into town, from which point i would walk to the house of this girl i'm seeing. you know, the usual. i ride into town, make the walk, call her up.
"hey, it's all good, right?"
"yeah, nobody's home, just come in."
well, if you say so. i let myself in. now, males will know the drill here: her mother and father weren't home, but depending on how things work out, as a guy you're generally kinda leery of leaving your stuff out, in case you have to make a quick exit. on this day i have a bag with all of my work clothes in it and my work timberlands, which i would usually throw in her closet. for some reason, on this day, i leave it in her bathroom.
fast forward, i'm in her bedroom, things are happening, i'm half-naked. door opens downstairs. oh shit. the girl throws on a pair of jeans and runs downstairs, trying to run damage control (and prevent whoever it is from discovering that i'm there). i can hear her coming up the stairs, her dad's behind her...
"what time do you have to work tomorrow?"
and then, quieter...
"is there a guy in your bedroom?"
and then the door flies the fuck open and i see her father (who i've never met before). all six feet of him, thickly built guy with a goatee and an expression on his face that is turning to rage by the millisecond.
"you FUCKING COCKSUCKER!"
grabs me by the shirt. i'm scared, i'm about to get hit in the face but god bless her fucking soul she grabs him and distracts him. he's still got a fistful of my shirt, however, so i do the only thing i can. i wriggle out of the shirt and run.
i run like hell.
down the stairs, through the door, and down the street, stark fucking naked, and i get about a hundred yards down the road before i realize what a bad idea it is for me to stand in the middle of the road ass naked with a very angry father hunting me down. i charge across the street and through a trailer park, where i'm met with a dilemma. i am
1) carless
2) naked, leading me to be
3) without a cell phone
fuck. i'm trying to figure out the best way to go about things, ducking from trailer to trailer, when i come to the conclusion that the best thing i can do is knock on someone's door and pray that they don't kick me out. luckily, as i'm sprinting to try this out i spot the figure of a man resting comfortably in his chair by a window. desperately trying to get out of public view, i knock on the window. the guy comes to.
"what?"
"sir can i use your phone and maybe borrow some clothes please?"
"son, i just got out of the hospital for pneumonia, i'm half crippled..."
"sir i'll figure everything out if you just let me in the house right now please i'll explain everything."
"... well, come in through the porch."
which i do, entering this man's living room.
"wow, you don't have any clothes at all, do you?"
"no, no i don't. do you have a phone?"
"what happened to you?"
i relay my entire story to this man, who says simply, "well, i guess you had to make a quick escape." this dude is at least sixty-five, probably closer to eighty, with big blue blocker glasses and a washed-out face and about a hundred pounds overweight. he was in his chair, a cane resting on one armrest and a walker sitting in front of him.
god bless him.
he got me a phone, which i used to call billy.
"hello?"
"dude can you get me a pair of clothes?"
"what?... where are you?"
"i'm at some guy's house on the brook road, i'm scared to death, can you just hurry up and get here?"
in the background, i can hear billy telling his mom the whole thing, and his mother saying "well what does he need clothes for?" and just generally asking a bunch of questions that i'd never be able to tell her the answer to. billy gets back on the phone, in his car.
"dude are you like... completely naked?"
"yeah. totally naked."
"... ew. ask the guy for a towel or something."
good call. "sir, do you have like... a towel or something i can borrow?"
"yeah, check the bathroom... and you might want to hurry up, because my wife and daughter will be here in a few minutes."
"i'm WORKING on it, sir."
i'll admit it. i was tweaking. my heart rate was at about seven million and... ahh. i gave billy directions, he came and got me, i told him the whole story and he laughed a lot and said, "at least it wasn't some perverted old woman."
"i think it'd be worse if it was a perverted old man."
"... touche."
... so that was my day.
as some of you know, i'm carless right now. so at around 12:30 i called dave (of dave's taxi) to get a ride into town, from which point i would walk to the house of this girl i'm seeing. you know, the usual. i ride into town, make the walk, call her up.
"hey, it's all good, right?"
"yeah, nobody's home, just come in."
well, if you say so. i let myself in. now, males will know the drill here: her mother and father weren't home, but depending on how things work out, as a guy you're generally kinda leery of leaving your stuff out, in case you have to make a quick exit. on this day i have a bag with all of my work clothes in it and my work timberlands, which i would usually throw in her closet. for some reason, on this day, i leave it in her bathroom.
fast forward, i'm in her bedroom, things are happening, i'm half-naked. door opens downstairs. oh shit. the girl throws on a pair of jeans and runs downstairs, trying to run damage control (and prevent whoever it is from discovering that i'm there). i can hear her coming up the stairs, her dad's behind her...
"what time do you have to work tomorrow?"
and then, quieter...
"is there a guy in your bedroom?"
and then the door flies the fuck open and i see her father (who i've never met before). all six feet of him, thickly built guy with a goatee and an expression on his face that is turning to rage by the millisecond.
"you FUCKING COCKSUCKER!"
grabs me by the shirt. i'm scared, i'm about to get hit in the face but god bless her fucking soul she grabs him and distracts him. he's still got a fistful of my shirt, however, so i do the only thing i can. i wriggle out of the shirt and run.
i run like hell.
down the stairs, through the door, and down the street, stark fucking naked, and i get about a hundred yards down the road before i realize what a bad idea it is for me to stand in the middle of the road ass naked with a very angry father hunting me down. i charge across the street and through a trailer park, where i'm met with a dilemma. i am
1) carless
2) naked, leading me to be
3) without a cell phone
fuck. i'm trying to figure out the best way to go about things, ducking from trailer to trailer, when i come to the conclusion that the best thing i can do is knock on someone's door and pray that they don't kick me out. luckily, as i'm sprinting to try this out i spot the figure of a man resting comfortably in his chair by a window. desperately trying to get out of public view, i knock on the window. the guy comes to.
"what?"
"sir can i use your phone and maybe borrow some clothes please?"
"son, i just got out of the hospital for pneumonia, i'm half crippled..."
"sir i'll figure everything out if you just let me in the house right now please i'll explain everything."
"... well, come in through the porch."
which i do, entering this man's living room.
"wow, you don't have any clothes at all, do you?"
"no, no i don't. do you have a phone?"
"what happened to you?"
i relay my entire story to this man, who says simply, "well, i guess you had to make a quick escape." this dude is at least sixty-five, probably closer to eighty, with big blue blocker glasses and a washed-out face and about a hundred pounds overweight. he was in his chair, a cane resting on one armrest and a walker sitting in front of him.
god bless him.
he got me a phone, which i used to call billy.
"hello?"
"dude can you get me a pair of clothes?"
"what?... where are you?"
"i'm at some guy's house on the brook road, i'm scared to death, can you just hurry up and get here?"
in the background, i can hear billy telling his mom the whole thing, and his mother saying "well what does he need clothes for?" and just generally asking a bunch of questions that i'd never be able to tell her the answer to. billy gets back on the phone, in his car.
"dude are you like... completely naked?"
"yeah. totally naked."
"... ew. ask the guy for a towel or something."
good call. "sir, do you have like... a towel or something i can borrow?"
"yeah, check the bathroom... and you might want to hurry up, because my wife and daughter will be here in a few minutes."
"i'm WORKING on it, sir."
i'll admit it. i was tweaking. my heart rate was at about seven million and... ahh. i gave billy directions, he came and got me, i told him the whole story and he laughed a lot and said, "at least it wasn't some perverted old woman."
"i think it'd be worse if it was a perverted old man."
"... touche."
... so that was my day.