Work Bathroom
I work from 8am to 5pm (or thereabouts) on Monday through Friday (or thereabouts). So occasionally it happens that I would have to use the restroom during hours of work. Now, there is no place like home, when it comes to the bathroom. That's just the facts. You're comfortable, you can catch up on reading, be yourself ya know. Take your sweet ass (sorry for the pun) time. You can use all the toilet paper or wet wipes (Will Smith) that you want. But even at work eventually you have to use the bathroom, which can be embarrassing but some people are clueless on the etiquette as I witnessed today.
Now, I'm not a "regular guy" by any means. When I have to go I have to go. So today was no different. I left my desk and took the walk. I say "the walk" because when you walk to the restroom everyone knows where you're going. They can just tell. There's not THAT much to do around here when you're not at your desk. So I walk into the bathroom the head toward the urinals. After all, that's why I was there. The urinals. If you catch my drift. (Another bad pun) I observed the oddest thing. There was a man who was waiting to use the toilets, which were both occupied. So I begin thinking...that's just strange.
Now, it's weird enough to seeing anyone leaving a stall, or urinal that you're about to use anyway. I think we are all afraid of some nasty airborne penis disease floating from one zipper to the next in the restroom, and can even be more worried about the one when we sit down in the stall. But can you imagine that awkwardness when it's not someone you know? Or someone you don't know, but you will see again? Imagine that guy waiting, and then finally the man using the toilet comes out. Now, do you make eye contact? Do you high five? Do you say, "Hey man, I feel like a new woman?" Do you say anything? Of course, the answer to all of those in my book is no. It's a hell no. All you need is that guy saying to his co-worker friend as the waiting man walked past; "Hey Peter, that guy was waiting for the stall when I came out, shit man (sorry, another pun) I feel bad for him I had some bad sushi." Now forever Peter will think that the waiting man is crazy, or at best disgusting. Now, its VERY possible that they would all have a training together and just imagine that conversation in a crowded room. The waiting man says, "Hey is that seat taken?" (lol) I would hardly be able to contain my excitement for such an open invitation to comment.
I just got back again from the urinal. (To much water and diet coke) I know. I'm beginning to think I should stop eating and drinking any fluids during work hours. However, I go and use the urinal, and right behind me walking in the door is this rather large man, who shall remain nameless. I unzip my pants and begin taking the horse for a walk as they say. And this man, with a bit of a different routine begins his. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH", he says as he begins to urinate. Then soon the head tilt comes. He tilts his head back, and puts his hands on his waist. This man is in charge of the situation. Like hes staring at his kids on a balcony who just threw the ice cream over the edge. First of all, why is he talking? Do not make a sound man. Youre going to make me laugh, and if I laugh, I might miss. I dont want to miss.
Now I like to believe I grew up the right way, my father teaching me the correct way to take care of such common bodily needs. I keep my hands where they need to be in order to aim correctly. I mean this guy is flopping around with what I hope is 100% accuracy because if my shoe gets wet I'm going to throw down. Needless to say, WITH AUTHORITY he's taking care of his business, and I pinch it, zip up, wash up, and leave as quick as possible. Now, we've all seen what happens to a firehouse when water is flowing out of it and no one is there to control it. It jumps around with no aim and accuracy. I don't need that piss on my pants. I'm out.
Man, I am just amazed at the people which I work with. So remember that as you head into your work bathroom. Never wait. Ever. Never make eye contact. Never ever say anything. Control yourself. Take ownership of your aim men, or youll find yourself up shits creek if you leak on me.
Until next time...
-J-
Now, I'm not a "regular guy" by any means. When I have to go I have to go. So today was no different. I left my desk and took the walk. I say "the walk" because when you walk to the restroom everyone knows where you're going. They can just tell. There's not THAT much to do around here when you're not at your desk. So I walk into the bathroom the head toward the urinals. After all, that's why I was there. The urinals. If you catch my drift. (Another bad pun) I observed the oddest thing. There was a man who was waiting to use the toilets, which were both occupied. So I begin thinking...that's just strange.
Now, it's weird enough to seeing anyone leaving a stall, or urinal that you're about to use anyway. I think we are all afraid of some nasty airborne penis disease floating from one zipper to the next in the restroom, and can even be more worried about the one when we sit down in the stall. But can you imagine that awkwardness when it's not someone you know? Or someone you don't know, but you will see again? Imagine that guy waiting, and then finally the man using the toilet comes out. Now, do you make eye contact? Do you high five? Do you say, "Hey man, I feel like a new woman?" Do you say anything? Of course, the answer to all of those in my book is no. It's a hell no. All you need is that guy saying to his co-worker friend as the waiting man walked past; "Hey Peter, that guy was waiting for the stall when I came out, shit man (sorry, another pun) I feel bad for him I had some bad sushi." Now forever Peter will think that the waiting man is crazy, or at best disgusting. Now, its VERY possible that they would all have a training together and just imagine that conversation in a crowded room. The waiting man says, "Hey is that seat taken?" (lol) I would hardly be able to contain my excitement for such an open invitation to comment.
I just got back again from the urinal. (To much water and diet coke) I know. I'm beginning to think I should stop eating and drinking any fluids during work hours. However, I go and use the urinal, and right behind me walking in the door is this rather large man, who shall remain nameless. I unzip my pants and begin taking the horse for a walk as they say. And this man, with a bit of a different routine begins his. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH", he says as he begins to urinate. Then soon the head tilt comes. He tilts his head back, and puts his hands on his waist. This man is in charge of the situation. Like hes staring at his kids on a balcony who just threw the ice cream over the edge. First of all, why is he talking? Do not make a sound man. Youre going to make me laugh, and if I laugh, I might miss. I dont want to miss.
Now I like to believe I grew up the right way, my father teaching me the correct way to take care of such common bodily needs. I keep my hands where they need to be in order to aim correctly. I mean this guy is flopping around with what I hope is 100% accuracy because if my shoe gets wet I'm going to throw down. Needless to say, WITH AUTHORITY he's taking care of his business, and I pinch it, zip up, wash up, and leave as quick as possible. Now, we've all seen what happens to a firehouse when water is flowing out of it and no one is there to control it. It jumps around with no aim and accuracy. I don't need that piss on my pants. I'm out.
Man, I am just amazed at the people which I work with. So remember that as you head into your work bathroom. Never wait. Ever. Never make eye contact. Never ever say anything. Control yourself. Take ownership of your aim men, or youll find yourself up shits creek if you leak on me.
Until next time...
-J-